Original subtitles

So, then, the hypotenuse of any right triangle can be found by squaring each

leg, summing those totals, and then what?

Mike Sieber?

Yes, ma 'am?

I'm waiting for an answer to my question.

Oh.

False.

This isn't a true -false question.

Oh, right.

D, none of the above.

I'd like you to stay after school today. We'll go over the material you've

missed. Oh, gee, I can't. Coach Lubbock has me staying after his class today.

Tomorrow will be fine.

No can do. I got detention in history.

All right. Thursday, then?

Look, to tell you the truth, Mrs. Salinger, my whole week is kind of

But I do have a couple of days open next week, though.

Well, class, a visit from Mr. DeWitt.

This is an honor indeed.

Stop sucking up, Gallinger. I'm in no mood.

Where's Mike Seaver?

Out in the hallway, mister, and I mean now.

Next week will probably be booked up, too.

Mr. Seaver. Uh, sir, if you just give me a chance, I can explain. I hope so.

Um, I had no idea something as serious as this would happen, and I will pay for

all of the damages.

What the gull darn are you talking about?

Uh, what are you talking about?

You first.

Well, um, I was just kind of apologizing for going to school here.

Too late for that.

I want you to explain how a boy who is known as the school screwball A boy who

has spent more time sitting outside my office than my secretary.

Explain how this boy gets picked by the student nominating committee to be one

of the candidates for student body president.

In student body government?

It's a mockery. What will people think? A total embarrassment. Absolutely. Not

only for me, but for this whole school, too.

That?

We're nowhere near the end.

We're nowhere near the best. She's ready to begin.

Carol,

can't you just be happy for your brother?

Seaver should be nominated for student body president, it should be me.

Now, honey, are you sure those aren't just your hurt feelings talking?

Absolutely not.

Carol, obviously the nominating committee saw beneath Mike's surface.

And what did they see?

Well, qualities of, um... Um... Jason, what did they see?

This is your point, honey.

Isn't there just one... in this house with a scintilla of objectivity, a

of judgment, a basic sense of fairness and decency... My

guess would be no.

When word gets out that I have been nominated, people are going to start

accusing me of being a hard -working, responsible young adult.

Gee, this is worse than we thought.

You know, Steve, you're turning into a regular Michael J. Fox.

Hey, look, I have not worked since kindergarten on my party animal image to

it all flushed down the toilet.

Mike, why don't you just drop out?

I can't drop out. My name is already on the ballot.

If I drop out now, I'll be a weenie on top of everything else.

What a stupid suggestion.

Oh, yeah? I wasn't talking about dropping out of the elections. I was

about dropping out of school.

Now who's stupid?

Speaking.

Who's this?

The Schwartz twins?

I have both of you on the line?

Well, Bone, you're out. And Cindy Bauer, too? The Bone is back in.

Well, who told you ladies that I was a candidate?

Well, I haven't actually decided if... What?

You would?

All of you?

Well, I'm...

I'm moved.

Okay, you too. Bye -bye.

The Schwartz twins say that they are willing to do anything to help us out

my campaign.

Yeah!

Okay, this brings us to the candidates for student body president.

Our first candidate...

is quarterback of the varsity football team, three -time member of the honor

roll, and recipient of the Perfect Attendance Award, Robert Jordan.

His opponent, Lord knows why, is Mike

Seaver.

We'll hear first from Mr.

Seaver.

Watch your language, mister.

Thank you, thank you. And I mean that very, very sincerely, Mr. DeWitt.

want to be your student body president is it the fame the money the power it's

the power just kidding now what can i tell you people you all know

me you know what i'm all about and you know what i stand for i ask you to

overlook all that and vote for me anyway

Mr. Jordan.

Thank you, Mr. DeWitt.

Ladies and gentlemen, fellow Hooters.

Way to go out there, Mikey.

Thank you. Did you get a load of this guy? He's handing out campaign tags at

candy bars.

Yeah.

All good reasons.

What we can ill afford to turn over the student council to someone who's logged

more time in detention.

than most of us have in our regular classes.

And look who he's chosen for his running mate, Richard Stabone, known to one and

all as... I

bet

Mike Seaver thinks it's pretty funny he could be your president.

What he doesn't realize, though, is that if he is elected, the joke will be on

all of us.

You don't have to take my word for it.

Who would know him better than his own sister?

My colleague from the Honor Society, Carol Seaver.

Carol, who are you supporting in this election?

Uh, well, I haven't decided yet.

Right, sorry, Carol. Didn't mean to put you on the spot like that.

Anyway, my point is, how bad a candidate can you be if your own sister won't

even vote for you?

Why did you do that to me?

I thought you wanted your brother to lose.

That's right. I wanted him totally humiliated, but I didn't want to hurt

feelings.

If I wouldn't have known you care, I would have supported Mike.

I just feel terrible.

I'll support him now if you want.

I'm a traitor.

It doesn't matter that he doesn't stand a chance. It doesn't matter that the

only reason he's on the ballot is because Jordan had a few friends on the

nominating committee.

I don't care. I love you.

What did you just say?

I love you.

No, the important part.

The only reason Mike's on the ballot is because Jordan had a few friends on the

nominating committee.

Why? Well, he needed an opponent who looked popular, but who no one takes

seriously. The perfect loser.

Really?

Thanks, Bob.

The Computer Club. will be tallying this year's election electronically, so be

sure you don't fold, spindle, or mutilate your ballot.

Assembly, this way.

Uh, hold on a second, please.

Um, now even though some people may think that I am a bozo, I am in this

election because I am a hooter through and through.

boner to be my running mate at some kind of joke.

That's right.

I won the coin toss fair and square.

Right, Mikey?

Hi,

Benny. Hi, Mom.

So how did I do on tonight's newscast?

You missed my newscast.

Are you kidding?

No, Ben and I were right on the edge of our chairs. Right, Ben?

Too late, Dad. I already told her the truth.

Why'd you have to pick now to tell the truth?

Honey, I wanted to watch. I honestly did.

Oh, it's okay, sweetheart. You had your hands full making dinner.

Yeah, well, we're eating out tonight.

Oh? Yeah, well, Mike commandeered the kitchen for the campaign.

You're changing the subject. Yes, I am. Just in time, too.

Yeah, he's got Eddie and Boner in there, they're making signs, planning

strategy. You won't believe the way he's committed to this election.

All right, all right, I want you to get 600 copies of this made, and by tomorrow

morning we're going to have one stuffed into every locker.

Right. Right, okay.

And you said I couldn't do 25 of them.

I lick my... What?

Ben, you misspelled like on every one of these.

So you can't use them?

Very humorous.

I'll fix them. All right, just don't watch TV when you do it, huh, Ben?

So this is Seaver for President Headquarters?

Yeah. Hey, Mom.

Well, Mr.

Candidate, we're going to go for some takeout down at the Choo Choo Lemieux

Look, before you leave, Mom, do you think you could take a look at this?

Sure, Mike. What is it? Well, the elections are tomorrow, and each

to read a speech over the PA system. So I thought maybe you could take a look at

it and tell me if it's okay.

Sure.

I'm Mike Seaver, your candidate for student body president.

A lot of you think of me as the guy in the back of the classroom who makes rude

noises with my armpit.

Well, okay, maybe I've done that. Maybe I'm not a genius or anything, and maybe

I'm not a jock.

But that doesn't mean I don't care about Dewey High.

Ask my friends.

They'll tell you how much I care about our school and about them.

Hey, I'm just one of you guys. And if you think somebody just like you might

a good job as student body president, I ask for your vote today.

Thank you.

No good, huh?

Mike, I wouldn't change a word of this.

Except maybe armpit.

I was kind of thinking about that, but that's kind of how I'm best known.

Oh, I wish I was still in high school.

So do I.

Bye. See you, Mike. Bye -bye. Have fun.

All right.

Rude noises with my armpit.

Weird noises with my armpit.

Much better.

Mike?

Look, Carol, I really don't have time to talk to you right now. Come on, I've

been waiting for you to be alone since I got home.

Why? Well, to apologize for embarrassing you today. See, I was just mad that

somebody as pathetically inadequate as you would be nominated for student body

president. Look, Carol, when does the apology start?

Look, I said I was sorry.

Hey, look, maybe you don't think I stand a chance, but the nominating committee

sure did.

The nominating committee?

Mike, you should know... No, no, look, you should know that I am not some kind

of joke just because people are laughing at me.

With me.

You know what I mean.

Mike, if you think you can win, you're really stupid.

I mean... Hey, look, look, the nominating committee disagreed, and a

those guys happen to be friends of Jordan's.

Well, now I'm stupid, Carol.

Voting is now taking place in all home rooms.

Get out and vote.

Now be...

Thank you.

Ah, fun. Look, you got any more returns in? Yeah. All right, all right. Give

them to me slow. Okay.

Freshman returns so far.

Would you give me that?

Jordan, 191.

Seaver, 56.

Mike, you sure?

Yeah, yeah. That's what it says.

Read the other one.

Pee -wee Herman 64.

Yeah, I didn't even know he was running.

Go see if you can get any more returns, huh? Sure.

Mike, Mike, Mike, would you like to hear my victory cheer?

Maybe later.

Maybe Carol's right.

I mean, maybe there's no place in politics for a guy who comes to class

toilet seat cover around his neck.

Then it's a pretty sad day for America, Michael.

Sophomore class total, Jordan 115, Stephen 106.

Hey, this is good, Mikey.

Yeah, peewee dropped out.

Yeah, I'm still way behind.

All right, boy, go see what else you can get, huh, buddy? Okay.

Hey, how come I got to do all the stupid grunt work?

Well, you said you wanted to be vice president, right?

Oh, right.

Don't you give up yet, Michael.

Yeah, right.

Hey, Mikey, you okay?

Like, this is no big deal. I mean, who wants to be student body president

anyway? You know, the only reason that I'm even in this election is because...

Look, this whole thing is just a joke.

You guys ain't gonna believe this one.

Junior class total.

Jordan, 64.

Siva, 198.

Hey, look at this, Mickey.

You are only ten votes down from Jordan.

I get the senior tally.

Oh, man, I could actually do this. I might win this one.

Attention, please. This is Mr. DeWitt speaking.

We have the results of the student body election.

This is it.

This is it.

For student body president, the winner is him.

It can't be him.

Did you hear the contempt in his voice? It's got to be me.

Vice President, me, Richard Milhouse the Bone.

They ain't gonna have Boner to kick around no more.

Okay.

To President Michael Aaron Thieber, who, oh gosh, that has a nice ring to it.

Take care of the toast.

Some be better. My arm's getting tired.

Carol, hey, you're just in time to toast your brother's victory.

Oh, yeah, Carol, someone wanted to tell you from the bottom of my heart.

Come on, you want to be the first president in history to get grounded for

entire term?

Well, if I'm not wanted, I'll go to my room.

Hey, hold on here. You better go.

I'm going.

Good riddance.

has to. Now, what is going on here?

Mike?

Carol?

Don't anyone go anywhere?

Except you, Ben.

Hello?

Hello, I'm Willie DeWitt, principal of Dewey. Oh, wow.

You're Maggie Malone. I watch on the news every night.

Well, thank you.

He watches me on the news every... You're Mrs. Deaver. Oh, I didn't make

connection.

Well, come in. You've met my husband, Jason.

Many, many, many times.

How are you, Mr. Dewey? Not good.

Yo, Mr. D. I need a word with both of you in private about a grave matter

concerning one of your children.

Mike, don't go anywhere.

Good choice.

My husband's office.

I know why he's here. So do I, but it was only fake vomit and nobody got hurt.

Listen to me. It's about the election. It was rigged.

So this has, like, nothing to do with the vomit whatsoever?

Mike, listen. You won the election because I rigged it.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah. Why would you do that?

Well, at this moment, I'm questioning that myself.

I didn't want you finishing behind Pee Wee Herman.

Look, you expect me to believe that you could pull something like that off?

I interfaced with the school computer, cross -referenced all active student ID

numbers to come up with 125 AirSats ones, which I then input as ASCII code

into the central data bank.

Okay, that's one way to do it.

Why should I believe you? I mean, you have been against me ever since the

nominating committee picked me for this. They picked you because they thought

you were a sure loser.

Well, they didn't.

Mike, think about it.

Didn't it seem a little odd that they choose someone who's best known for

rude noises with his armpit?

Weird noises.

I'm just telling you how it was.

I don't want people laughing at you who aren't related to you.

You rigged the election for me?

Yeah.

And for what it's worth, came really close to winning without my votes.

You actually did something illegal for me?

I don't know what to say.

Well, you're my brother.

Like it or not.

Gee.

In my office.

Mr. President. Mom, Dad. Carol, this doesn't concern you. But it does. Carol,

please. Mike. Mom, I have to tell you something.

Carol, what is it?

Okay. All right. Carol, look. This has nothing to do with you, all right? Huh?

I am the one who rigged the election, not you.

I interplaced with some of the computer hoosets, and I did

some stuff.

Some bad stuff, some very, very bad stuff.

You did not! I did, too. Marie! Carol, hold it! I don't know who's responsible,

but whoever gets that detention at school will also be held here at home,

grounded for a long, long time.

She did!

As you all heard on the PA system this morning, there was some, uh...

Fraud. Okay, fraud in yesterday's voting.

So I will not be able to serve as your president.

But I do want to thank everyone out there who did vote for me, both those

exist and those who don't.

So since the charter of the student council says that those who tamper with

nominations or the elections must be disqualified, here is your new student

president. The only person on either ticket who was not a crook, Richard

Milhouse Stabone.