Original subtitles

Ben, it's your turn to take out the garbage.

Hey, you know you can't listen in when Dad talks with one of his mental

patients. He's not talking to a mental patient. It's Mom.

Well, that's probably worse. It still shouldn't snow.

It's juicy stuff.

Ben, you can't... It's about my...

See, Ben's running to the goofy glue again, huh?

Shh!

to warn you before it's too late.

What?

For five bucks.

Yeah.

What, do you think I'm stupid just because I'm related to you?

Okay. Your funeral.

All right, all right, all right. I owe you five bucks. What is it?

Your report card came in the mail today.

Oh, no.

That's what Dad said.

Well, how bad could it be?

Dad says you're this close to becoming a good -for -nothing bum.

Okay, well, um, just tell him that you haven't seen me, okay?

Oh, wait a minute. There's the little matter of the five bucks?

Yeah.

Try and collect.

Hi, Mike!

It's good to see you!

Don't you go anywhere. Your mom and I will want to have a word with you in a

minutes.

Okay, now was it really, really worth it to sell your own brother out for a mere

$5?

Oh, yeah, absolutely.

What are we going to do with Mike?

Well, Maggie, we've been asking each other the same question ever since his

first report card in kindergarten.

I know, but he's only a year and a half away from graduating.

I wouldn't bet on it.

D. D plus.

D minus minus.

Teacher comment number 64, which is, I've had it. I'm quitting teaching.

Of course, the real comment is our old favorite here. Student is not realizing

full potential.

Jason, what is going to become of Mike after he graduates?

I mean, no college, no skills.

I mean, what kind of a job can a person get when all they have is a charming

smile and nothing to back it up?

He can go to Hollywood, become an actor.

Jason, I realize that as a psychiatrist, you work hard at not letting your

emotions get the best of you.

But at this moment, I'm asking myself, why didn't I marry a fiery urologist?

Maggie, I'd rather think than rant, okay?

So what are you thinking?

Well, I think there must be a more effective way to get through to Mike.

What is it? I don't know.

You call that thinking?

All right, how would you get through to him?

Me? Yeah.

Well, I'd... Okay.

I'd, um... Yeah, and this is good.

You know that speech you're giving at Boston College tomorrow? The one you

me listen to three times?

No, I know the one you asked to hear three times.

That's the one.

Anyway, take him with you.

Show him around the campus. Let him see what he'll be missing if he doesn't get

his act together.

Vicki, that's a terrible idea.

It is.

Do you know what I could do?

I could take him to Boston with me and soft sell him about college.

Show him around the campus? Yes.

Let him see what he'll be missing. Yes.

Wow, I wonder where you come up with it, Doc.

Vicki, this is great.

Oh, Michael.

He won't be able to resist my magical powers of persuasion. I'll have the

weekend to spend with him.

All right.

Have a seat. All right, all right. Now, I know what this is all about. I know

you guys have been talking about my future plans, and I myself have a few

remarks on this subject.

Have a seat, Dad.

Now, what's all this fuss about the future?

My... No, no, no, Mom, Mom. Now, come on. I have got this handled, all right?

Now, I have made a decision in my life to become very successful and make a lot

of money.

Uh -huh.

Now you guys are probably asking yourself, how is he going to do this?

How is he going to do this?

That's all right here, black and white, Mom.

Vinnie Furbo's shiftless man's way to big bucks?

Keep reading.

I made a million smackaroos, and I'm just an average Joe like you. And you

need a big deal college education or any special skills. All you need is two

free hours a week and a winning smile.

I found my car.

Okay, and I won't take up any more of your guys' time, but I will promise you

this. When I make my first million, I'm going to buy you guys some decent

clothes.

Mike, can I see that, please?

Yeah, sure, Dad.

As I said before, will you have a seat, please?

There's going to be another one of those college parks. No.

Yes, it is. No, it isn't. Yes, it is. No, it isn't. It is.

Now, we've been through this before, Mike. What's the point of another

right?

No. Oh, son of mine. I've got this two -day trip to Boston coming up, and I

thought, hey, why don't we make it a guy's getaway?

What's the catch?

There's no catch, Mike.

Come on, it'll be fun. Just the two of us hanging out in Beantown.

You've been under a lot of academic pressure lately, and, well, maybe what

really need is just a break.

Come on, you've earned it.

Where does all this stupid garbage end up?

Well, it's taken to a factory, turned into videotape, and then they record

videos on it.

Carol, I need you to lend me a suitcase.

They decided to kick you out of the house?

Yes!

No, they didn't kick me out of the house.

A girl can dream.

As a matter of fact, Dad's taking me on a trip to Boston for a little guy

getaway. Wait a minute.

You get called in because you're a crummy grave and end up on a trip to

What am I doing wrong here?

A lot, Carol, but that's not the point.

And for your information, Mom and Dad didn't even want to talk about my

What? No, they didn't even bring them up. They were in a great mood.

Mike, Mom and Dad were in a great mood after senior grades, and we've just

experienced a miracle.

I mean, my guess is that this house is going to be turned into a shrine, and

then thousands of D students are going to line up to light candles in your

Mike Seaver, the patron saint of underachievers.

I'll get my own suitcase.

Oh, this batch of garbage has David Lee Roth written all over it.

Ben, if I told you that Mom and Dad didn't yell at Mike because of his

and instead Dad was taking him on a fun trip to Boston, what would you think?

I think the dad is trying to trick Mike into caring about college by taking him

to his old school.

You're right. This is right. It's all a trick.

Sure. What'd you think?

The captain has extinguished the fasten seatbelt sign. Please feel free to move

aimlessly about the cabin.

All right, Mike, we're on our way. Yeah.

Hey, you realize this is the first time you and I have taken a trip alone

together? Yeah. I mean, it was just two men hanging out.

Hey, Dad, what do you say we look for some chicks, huh?

Very funny.

Hey, we're going to have some big fun this weekend, though. Yeah, yeah. The

obligation I have is to make that speech on campus. That's not going to take

very long.

Hey, as long as I have to go to the campus anyway, why don't you come with

can show you around my college.

Like where I had some of the best years of my life.

Eh, I don't know, Dad. I think maybe I ought to stay at the hotel and find some

women. My.

Well, if it's women you're interested in, you know you're missing a bet not

coming to this campus.

Yeah? Oh, yeah.

Hundreds.

And all of them hungry for knowledge.

Well, so I guess it'd be a shame to miss that beach, wouldn't it, Dad? Right.

Hey, you know, we could spend the whole day there.

Okay. Yeah, how about it? Are you... Not.

Do either of you like something to drink?

Oh, well, I... Because no one else does on account of such a short flight and

everything. And would really save me a lot of trouble if I didn't have to haul

out that drink cart.

That's fine, thank you.

Well, you know, I remember when I first went to that college.

I had no clue what I wanted to do with the rest of my life.

But there's something about being there that brought it all into focus, you

know? And that's when I realized there was only one career for me.

Huh. Race car driver.

So they sent me to the school psychiatrist, and the rest is mental

history.

Hey, kid, can I borrow your barf bag?

Here, keep it.

Yours, too.

Oh.

Sure, enjoy.

Thanks.

So, Mike, what are your plans?

Um... I'm wide open, Dad. This is going to be a guy's getaway weekend for me.

No, I don't mean just for the weekend. I mean for the future, too.

Like, how do you see yourself ten years from now?

Ten years?

Um... Old.

Like you'll be 26.

Yeah.

All right, two years from now.

Two years. Better yet, tell me how you see yourself two days after graduation.

What are you going to be doing?

Simple. Me and Eddie and Boyner, we're heading down to Fort Lauderdale.

All right, one week after graduation.

Still partying.

Mike, come on. Before you know it, it's going to be graduation.

Come on, Dad, that's a whole year and a half away.

But the things that you get a chance to do now and the decisions you'll make,

they're going to affect you the rest of your life. Time is precious.

Oh, whoa, Dad.

Did you see that fox heading up to the lounge? I've got to go check her out.

Mike, we're talking.

About time being precious.

Yeah, tell me about it, Dad. This plane lands in 15 minutes. I gotta move.

Mike, come on.

Ah, she wasn't into her dad. She was married.

Mike, I don't want to talk about that. Me either.

Oppressing. I want to stick to the original topic of discussion, okay?

What was the original topic, Dad?

How you're going to improve your grades, Mike.

When did that become the topic?

Years ago.

Come on, Dad. This isn't my idea of a guy's getaway.

How do I get through to you? I mean, how do I make you realize that for the rest

of your life you're going to be affected by what you do now?

Yeah, well, I mean, just for sure I don't.

When's the last time you spent more than 15 minutes doing your homework?

Dad, it's not the quantity of time that I spend. It's the quality, right?

You just don't get it, do you?

I mean, would it help if I took away your card?

Attention, attention, excuse me.

We have a small emergency.

Oh, no, no.

you this guy's wife? She says she's going into labor.

Well, I can take a look at her.

Hey, Doc, don't you need a little black bag or something? I'm a psychiatrist.

Oh, Doc, she don't think she's having a baby. She's having a baby.

A psychiatrist is a medical doctor. Oh, hey, don't tell my wife you're a head

shrinker, huh?

Hello, I'm Dr.

Seaver. I understand you're going into labor.

All right, well, how far apart are the contractions?

Would you have the captain radiohead for an ambulance?

Ambulance! Ambulance!

Everything's fine. Everything's fine. We'll be on the ground long before the

baby arrives. Oh, okay. Hi, folks. This is Captain Kirk.

Logan International is having a little fog problem, and we're going to circle a

bit. So relax and have a drink.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Everything's going wrong here. Calm down, Captain. There's no reason to

Everything's fine.

Yeah, you don't see me throwing a fit, and I've got a whole... that stupid

cart.

All right. There's more room up here. You'll be more comfortable.

Why do we need more room?

What's going to happen? You said we'd be on the ground by now, didn't he? Didn't

he say that? He did.

Okay. Okay, what do we do now, huh? Boil water, rip sheets, what?

Honey, you're scaring me. You're scaring me too, Dad. Oh, yes. You sit over

here, please.

Susan, you sit right there.

In the magic carpet lounge?

Dan, you know, you could be a big help if you just take a stroll, all right?

Calm down.

Yeah, that's it. I'll take a nice brisk walk outside.

It'll do me good.

Mike, will you watch him, please?

All right, Dad, but if he opens the door, he's on his own.

Are you comfortable, Susan?

I haven't been comfortable in five months, Doctor.

What did the captain say?

He said it would take an hour for the fall to clear and at least 45 minutes to

divert to another airport.

Oh, damn. This baby's coming in a half an hour.

You tell your Captain Kirk he's either got to land this plane or he's got to

beam me up an obstetrician.

That's so cute.

I told her she shouldn't fly.

The doctor said no. But does she listen to me?

Apparently not.

Think she'll be okay?

Oh, yeah, you should be fine. My dad is a great psychiatrist.

But now he's dealing with the other end.

What's your name?

Mike.

What's my name?

Damn, that's it. Okay.

Okay, Mike.

I'm feeling much better now.

I'm completely calm.

Calm? What should you be calm? What's going on?

Keep pushing, Susan. Keep pushing. When does the pain stop?

In about 18 years.

It's happening.

It's happening.

It's happening. Dan, get a hold of yourself. Where?

Buttercup. Sweetheart.

Munchkin. Baby doll. Oh, man, please. Get the hell out of here. You're making

feel awful.

Yeah, but I'm your coach.

If I need a coach, you're the first one I'll call. Now get out.

Don't take it personally, Dan. Yeah, I know, Doc. I know. I took Lamont

Mike. And I know a woman tends to freak out when she reaches the final stage of

labor.

those race car classes. Got a

sack?

Doctor, I have two messages from Captain Kirk.

First, he says he could have you on the ground in 65 seconds, but he doesn't

think you'd enjoy the landing.

And second, he didn't care for your Captain Kirk joke as much as I did.

You hear that?

I think everybody heard that.

Oh, I blew it.

That's all there is to it. I blew it. Don't argue with me, kid.

I'm a wimp.

Go ahead and say it.

Okay, you're a wimp. Who asked you?

Wouldn't you be freaking out if your wife was having a baby?

Heck, I'd freak out if I even had a wife.

What kind of father am I?

I can't even watch my own kid being born.

I mean, my kid's gonna hate me.

This whole deal of having a baby.

Big mistake.

You know, I have never gotten one. People even have.

Hey, everybody knows why you have kids.

You do it to bring somebody into the world that's part you and part your

Uh -huh.

Yeah. I mean, it's like having somebody around who can learn from your mistakes.

I mean, like, say, somewhere down the line, all of a sudden, my kid wants to

say, move to Pittsburgh. I say, no way I live there.

And if he ever wants to be cool and smoke, well, tell him.

You ain't gonna do that, pal.

Took me three years to quit.

And if you ever, ever think of quitting school, it'll be over my dead body.

See, I done that.

And it stinks.

All right, I won't quit.

Sorry, Mike.

Guess I'm not myself today, huh?

Hey, it's okay. I know another father who yells a little.

Yeah, what am I going to do with this kid when he wants to make some stupid

mistake?

What are you going to do? You're going to straighten him out.

He'll just think I'm on his case.

Who cares what he thinks? He's just a kid. Now, who knows more, you or him?

You're right.

You ought to have a kid.

Kid.

Will you listen to that?

Now, who'd bring a little baby on him?

He's so, so young.

Yeah, isn't he beautiful?

Congratulations, Pop.

Yeah.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

My dad.

I gotta hand it to you, Dad.

You really know what you're doing.

Well, I think we have to give some of the credit to the mother.

are really something.

Thank you.

Dad, this collared thing, um, you know, if you think this is really important,

then maybe I should at least give it a shot.

What's the catch, Mike?

No, no, Dad, there's no catch.

I've just been thinking.

I mean, who knows more, you or me?

Hey, Doc, from now on, we're going to have all our kids delivered by a

psychiatrist.

He's a psychiatrist?

And in tonight's local news roundup, drama. This afternoon on what began as a

routine commuter flight to Boston.

Boston? Ben, turn that back.

Boston? Dan and Susan Colombo left New York as a couple and landed in Boston as

a family.

to a 7 -pound, 12 -ounce, bouncing baby boy.

Look! It's your dad!

Oh, my!

The newest Columbo was delivered by Dr. Jason Seaver, who is, of all things, a

psychiatrist. We asked him what it was like to deliver a baby at 30 ,000 feet.

Well, storks have been doing it for years.

Hi, Mom!

Hi, Mike!

Hi, Maggie!

Hey, if you think this is news, wait till I get home.

It gets to be on TV, too.

Mother and baby are doing fine.

Well? Well, I can't argue with you, Maggie.

I look good.

Well, should I rewind?

No, no, I think three times is enough for one afternoon.

Well, honey, you know, when I see how good you look on television, you know

occurs to me? What?

Maybe you've missed your call. No.

You know, I think you'd be great on television. Did it ever occur to you?

Maggie, I'm perfectly happy doing what I'm doing.

Just a thought.