Original subtitles

How was school today, Ben?

Fantastic! Ooh, that good, huh?

What do you hear?

This morning when the principal was finished doing announcements over the

she got shocked when she touched the microphone and yelled out a real naughty

word.

So that's what made it a fantastic day?

You bet.

Boy, you could hear that dirty word echoing through the halls.

Well... Look who made it through another day of school.

Yeah, just barely.

Hey, Dad, do you think I could borrow about $217?

Okay, I'll settle for five.

WZLP time is 4 .15, and that's jackpot call -in time. 2 ,000 big ones in the

hopper right now just waiting for you to call 555 -LOOT and tell me the name of

this song.

I know it. I know it. I know the song. I got it. I got the title already. All

right, darling. Here I go.

You know, Carol's been driving me crazy playing that song. Boy, am I glad she's

my sister.

Doesn't that get you right here?

Listen, I know the song. It's a recording.

All the lines are busy.

Oh, what a shame, Mike. Well, maybe next time.

Yeah, hey, Dad, since I didn't win the 2 ,000, how about the 5?

This isn't your day, Mike.

Dr. Newton will cheer you up. Mike, wait till you hear what Miss Gunn said over

the PA.

Don't you dare quote her.

Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad. Hi, sweetheart. Carol, a breath of normalcy.

Oh, listen, I need a note from one of you for that field trip next week.

Mm -hmm. I need some canned food for the charity drive.

Great. And I really need a nose job.

Sure.

Did she just say what I said? Yes. No.

Yes. Carol. Carol.

Show me that smile.

Don't waste another minute on your crying We're nowhere near the end

The best is ready to begin

you wanted a nose job?

I knew you guys would be upset.

Oh, we're not upset. Of course not.

We just want to know what this is all about. But we certainly aren't upset.

We'd be upset if we thought you were serious about this.

I am.

Well then, we're upset.

Mom, I've been thinking about this for a long time and then last week this girl

in my Latin class came in after having it done.

mother's nose.

I know.

No, Mom, Mom, look, put on you. You can get away with a big nose.

No, I mean, because all your other features are big, too.

I don't mean big. I just mean... Carol, give up.

Carol, who says you have a big nose?

Well, I do, and that's what matters, right?

Hey, Carol, someone named Charlotte Bowser

about her plastic surgeon.

Carol, we're talking to you.

Oh, I know, but that's important.

Wait a minute.

Did I just hear right? Is Carol actually considering plastic surgery?

Mike, this doesn't concern you.

Okay, all right. Before I go, I just wanted to say, bravo.

This isn't like Carol. Where did she get the hyper -concern for her looks?

Maggie?

with my nose.

Your nose is beautiful.

Your nose is the first part of you that I fell in love with.

In fact, when I get a picture of you in my mind, all I see are those two -come

-hither nostrils.

Yeah, look at this. As far as noses go, this is perfection.

God should have such a nose.

What am I saying? This is the nose of God.

Jason, just because you're frustrated with Carol does not mean you have to

it out on me. Oh, I'm not frustrated. I'm just confused.

I mean, why would our sensible Carol want to get her face rearranged just

because someone named Charlotte Bowser did it?

Hey, hey, hey, is it true Carol's getting a face transplant?

Ben, let me give you some advice, all right? Don't listen to Mike.

That applies not only to this case, but to life in general.

Jason, you know what?

This no thing is just a phase. I've had a lot of teenage girls go through it,

and I know it's hard to believe, but even I did.

Oh, I believe it.

You do?

Well, I mean, with great difficulty.

Of course, you're right. This is a phase, and I know just what to do about

We sit her down, we talk to her, we ask her reasons, and then we have an

intelligent dialogue between a responsible child and her supportive

Sure, we ask her all the right questions, and Carol will see that she

thought this thing through at all.

A nose job or rhinoplasty is an outpatient procedure normally involving

anesthetic that wears off in about four hours.

It's usually recommended that the patient remain in bed for one additional

There's discoloration of the nose and orbits of the eyes as a result from a

hematoma from blows of the mallet.

And it costs only $2 ,400.

What did I say? She hasn't thought this through at all.

First of all...

Feel the same Carol who gets straight A's and thinks everything through.

And this is not a whim or an adolescent phase, if that's what you're thinking.

Oh, not me.

The basic question here is, do you believe that the size of a person's nose

affect the course of their life?

Well... Explain Carl Malden.

Let's keep the size of Carl Malden's hunker out of this, okay?

We want to find out why you want this surgery.

Well... I'd feel better about the way I look, and I'd feel better about myself.

Oh, honey, there's nothing wrong with the way you look.

Dad, remember when you started working out with weights?

Yeah. And Mom, remember when you started coloring your hair?

I add occasional highlights.

Don't you see? You guys did those things so you'd feel better about the way you

look.

That's all I'm asking.

All right, well, your mother and I... have to discuss this, so would you mind

stepping out of the room?

Sure, sure.

Could you step a little further out?

Oh, yeah, okay, fine.

Jason, this discussion is a great touch because Carol will think we actually

considered this before we said no.

Well... Don't say, well, I know that well too well.

Honey, I don't want this any more than you do, but we've always relied on

Carol's common sense. Which she has taken leave of.

There's no point to suddenly start treating her like she's Ben's, eh? Well,

she'll get used to it.

I say we should go ahead and tell her she can have the nose job.

Jason! If she pays for it herself.

See, that way for every dime she has to save, she'll have time to think if it's

worth it.

$2 ,400, that's a lot of thinking, Maggie.

But honey, what if she saves the money and she still wants the nose job?

By the time Carol saves $2 ,400, she's going to need a facelift.

$10 a week into $2 ,400 is $224 divided by 52 is

four and a half years.

Hello, Michael.

Hot shirt.

No, Carol, I don't have any money to lend you. And you know, it really pains

to say that, knowing what a worthy cause this is.

Oh, go squeeze through this.

Now, what a rude thing to say, especially to a guy who happens to know

where you could make some big money.

What job?

No, no, no, no. It's too late, Carol. I'm hurt.

Oh, come on, Mike.

I'm sorry. What job?

Truly sorry.

In tears, what's the job?

Well, word is, American Express needs someone to replace Carl Malden.

All right, all right, all right. So it's a little joke. I was just kidding, man.

Okay, all right, all right. Let's be serious now, Carol.

Okay, now come on, Carol. You don't need to spend all that money on a nose job.

Right, because I'm beautiful already.

No, I said let's be serious.

Now look, I know where you can get a nose job for half the price.

Well, how?

Igor!

Dinner! Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy!

Liver!

Liver is good for you.

Oh, is that liver I smell?

Yes, and it's got lots of iron in it.

Mom, can we just eat the skillet instead?

What in the world?

Sometimes I have to wait so long to save the money I need. I decide to

camouflage my facial deformity with a subtle use of makeup.

Looking good, Carol.

That's enough, Carol. Upstairs right now and wash it off.

Mom! It's not going to work, Carol. You're still going to have to save the

yourself.

Oh, fine, okay?

King sent to my room without dinner.

You're getting a double push. No, no.

And you too, then.

All right, it's jackpot calling time.

Oh, I'm not missing it this time. We put another $1 ,000 into the jackpot for

the fifth caller to identify our mystery song.

I got it.

It's the same song. I got this one.

Hey, Carol, Carol.

know the name of this song and carol now let me use the phone and here's our

fifth caller right now hi what's your answer in the name of love

Well, sometimes parents just have to be unfair.

I'm going to remember this day.

The day that my parents gave me their word and then broke it.

Oh, boy, am I full.

Yeah, a little wasn't as bad as I thought.

Huh? Oh, yeah, I just couldn't stop eating that stuff, Mom.

Um, can we be excused?

Okay.

Jason. I was just thinking, you know, I... All right, I... I know we've

Carol, but at what price?

Now we'll never know why she's suddenly so upset about the way she looks. Maybe

she'll never know.

What's causing this negative self -image?

I just can't help but feel that we're cutting off our own nose to spite our

face.

Okay, bad choice of words.

door is 50 bucks.

All right, name it.

Okay, I need you to drive me somewhere without anybody knowing.

Where? What difference does it make?

A lot, Carol. Look, I don't want my friends seeing me driving you around.

All right, I need you to drive me to the doctor's building downtown.

The doctor's building?

Yeah, don't worry. You won't run into any of your friends there.

They're being all on medicine.

Hey, Carol, are you really going through with this nose thing?

None of your business.

Hey, Carol, you know, that doctor is not going to do anything without parents'

consent.

Maybe getting Mom and Dad to sign a consent form isn't such a problem at

Forgery.

You know, I had no idea you could be so slimy.

You're okay.

Well, yeah, I just didn't want to wait in the car.

You want me to leave?

Well, as long as you're here.

Yeah, yeah, sure.

Name?

Hi. Hi.

Hi, I have an appointment with Dr. Calabash for a preliminary consultation

rhinoplasty. I have the parent's consent form right here. See, my parent's

signature, my father's signature.

I'll have the same cash before the procedure, so I'll just wait there until

call me.

Thank you.

I'm so sorry. I get really nervous around doctors.

And receptionists.

Anyone in white, actually.

Name? Um, it's Carol Fever. Her name?

It is.

Oh.

He's a well -respected psychiatrist.

My father.

Not him. He's my stupid brother.

Dr. Jason Seaver.

Hello?

Dr. Seaver is either with a mental patient or in the bathroom.

Dad!

Dad!

Man, you know the rules. You don't interrupt when I'm with a patient.

Mental patient.

want to talk to my mom?

You're welcome very much.

Hello?

Yes, Carol's my daughter.

She's there.

Where's there?

Excuse me, who is Dr.

Calabash?

What?

No, we certainly did not sign a consent form.

No, no, no, no, please, please don't say a word to her. We'll be right down.

Yeah, thank you.

Jason!

He's with a mental patient!

I cannot believe this.

I cannot

believe this.

Can you believe somebody would actually do that to me?

stuff like that. Wait in the car, okay?

I'm sorry. I just meant that it looked like major pain.

Mike!

Oh, right.

Look, Carol, if you're so chicken about this, why are you even doing this?

You know very well why I'm doing it. You're just setting me up for one of

little jokes.

What jokes?

Oh, I don't know. Probably some stupid little joke like, Carol, if you really

want to improve your looks, why don't you just get a new...

Feeds it to it, that's all.

Yeah, yeah, I guess I have come up with a zinger or two in my day.

Yeah.

Yeah, kind of like the time I told you to go break a mirror.

Or how about the time I told Eddie you were in a bad mood because you had to be

wormed.

Wait a minute.

Carol... Are you saying that all my little jokes about you being ugly have

something to do with you coming here today?

Of course not.

You're lying.

I am not.

And if you think I'm even aware that you've been calling me funny -looking

the past all my life, you're crazy.

Carol, why would you even listen to me?

Come on, Carol, look, you're my sister.

I'm supposed to call you ugly.

It's my job.

What, now I suppose you're going to say you didn't mean it?

Look, all right, all right, look. Did you mean it all those times you called

so incredibly stupid?

All right, all right, bad example.

Carol, come on. This is brother and sister stuff here, you know? I mean,

look, Eddie calls his sister ugly. Boner thinks his sister is ugly.

Boner's sister is ugly.

That's not the point, Carol.

The point is, you're not ugly.

I mean, as a matter of fact, in the last couple of years, you've been kind of...

You've been getting better looking.

Oh, sure.

Look, this is tough for me, all right?

Look, I mean, I see the way guys look at you, and I know that look.

Yeah? Yeah, I mean, you know, when your friends look at your sister that way,

it's kind of weird.

So you're saying I'm... Right.

What? Pretty.

I said I think you're kind of pretty.

Wow.

You think I'm pretty?

Yeah, look, and if you have any sensitivity at all, you will never ever

anyone I said you were pretty.

Carol, how dare you disobey us?

I never thought I'd hear myself saying this, but Carol Ann Seaver, you are

grounded. Wait. No explanations. You are not getting a nose job. I know.

What? I'm not getting a nose job.

Don't confuse us by agreeing with us, Carol.

And we'll talk about this at home. You bet we will. We have to convince you. I

don't want a nose job. I don't need a nose job.

I look fine just the way I am.

In fact, I might even be a little bit pretty.

Did you have anything to do with this?

Yeah, I was trying to convince her to go for a whole new head.

What?

Well, I just need to know, do you really think that... Oh, yes, honey, your nose

is wonderful.

It's perfect.

Thank you.

Do you think your nose is perfect?

Sure.

Oh. Why?

Oh, no reason.

Maggie, there's nothing wrong with my nose, okay?

And frankly, I'm a little tired of all this nose talk.

I agree.

It's itchy. I mind. I stress.

Oh, cool.