Original subtitles

Is this a pajama party or a funeral?

A pajama party! Come on, guys!

But from the night into the day.

And second, I let you help me.

All right, now for the next step.

Hey, now, do you remember what you're supposed to say when I run there to

the girls?

Yeah. Be careful, Mike.

Cecil's poisonous.

Don't call the snake Cecil, all right?

That's his name.

Ben, it's supposed to be a wild snake. Wild snakes don't have names.

How do you know?

Ben. Think snakes go around calling each other, hey, you?

Get the plan straight, all right? The plan?

What are people trying to do to me?

What's going on?

Uh, nothing.

Oh, how long has nothing been going on?

About ten minutes.

Mike, you promised me that you wouldn't bother your sister's slobber party.

Look, Mom, I give you my word, I have not set foot in that house since you

out on your walk.

So you've been doing the dirty work?

This is not dirty, Cecil.

You're 200 miles away from home. No, we ain't. This is home.

The house has been sold.

to be the problem. Mike!

Oh, no.

It's probably in the sleeping bag, Mike. They like warm places.

All right. Now, stand back, everybody.

Ben, if I don't make it, call 911.

with Stinky Sullivan's snake.

Yes, that's my brother, Crazy and Funny Mike.

Would you guys please do something about Mike? He's embarrassing me beyond

belief.

in the kitchen now.

You were great, Cecil.

Mom, let's talk in the kitchen.

Well, at least you have a kitchen.

Don't worry about it, Shelly. The snake is gone.

Nobody in that living room tonight except Carol and her friends.

Come on, Dad. How come you're picking on just me?

Well, because I'm sure little Ben is an innocent party to all of this.

Ben and Mike, upstairs and in bed right now.

And take your reptile with you.

That way.

Okay, all right. But before we go, let's just clear up exactly what this off

-limits area includes.

of selling the house. What's going on?

Nothing I care to discuss right now.

I was just going out to talk to Ed.

You know how Ed and I love to pal around.

Ed, where can I plug this?

Well... Anywhere, Daddy.

I was just coming out to see Ed.

Why?

Daddy, he wants to see your trailer.

Maggie, that is not a trailer.

That is a 1987 meanderer deluxe, The Vagabond's Dream Machine.

You know about that? Oh, I've seen the ads.

Ah. Well, maybe you'd like to go outside and check it out.

Maybe you can help me turn it around.

Well, all right.

I blame it all on my cousin, Effie. What did she do? She died.

I'm sorry.

I never liked her anyway.

But I did go to her funeral.

I was only gone three days. When I came back, your father had sold the house

without even consulting me and bought that monstrosity out there, which he

we're going to spend the rest of our days in. Well, that doesn't sound like

Daddy. Oh, yes, it does.

He's been acting sick. Strangely, ever since we went to Niagara Falls.

When did you go to Niagara Falls? On our honeymoon.

Mom, have you told Daddy how unhappy you are about all this?

Oh, I've given him plenty of hints.

I sit still, staring straight ahead with a vacant look on my face.

Mom, you always have a vacant look on your face.

Go ahead.

That's okay.

No, see for yourself.

I take your word for it. You never take my word for it. Okay.

Well, let's see.

Oh.

Well?

Nice. Yeah.

It is, I can tell.

Huh?

You know, the brochures never do these things justice.

Press the little thingamajig. No, that's all right. Press that darn thingamajig.

Sweet.

I figured if this is going to be my castle, I ought to have a decent throne.

I could be happy in there.

Listen, out in Hollywood, some of the stars use this meander deluxe for their

dressing rooms.

I figure if it's good enough for Lonnie Anderson, it's good enough for a retired

cop.

Oh, this is terrific, yeah? Forget Lonnie Anderson.

I can't.

Oh, cowabunga.

I didn't know you had a sense of humor. You show me a man been married 17 years,

I'll show you a man with a sense of humor.

No, you're okay.

Oh, look at that captain's chair.

Would you like to try it on for size?

Could I?

My guess?

Hey, all right.

Oh, Ed.

Huh?

I envy you, Ed. You envy me?

You kidding?

Boy, cruising those highways, every day a different vista out that window, tied

to nothing but the open road and free to find adventure, follow wherever it

leads.

No responsibilities.

No patience waiting for you with problems that would just break your

you didn't remind yourself constantly to keep your professional distance.

What the hell are you talking about?

Nothing, just... Well, you know, when the kids grow up, I would love to try

something like this. You would?

I just hope I have the courage to do what you did.

Courage?

Well, boy.

Jason, I haven't been wrong about you all these years, have I?

You called me Jason.

That is your name, isn't it? Yeah.

Jason? Come here, honey.

Margaret Catherine, come in here and see what your dear old dad had the courage

to buy.

You can do it. No, I can't. Yes, you can. No, I can't.

Come, come, come.

Jason, we have to go.

Jason?

I want to show you something. This can wait, Maggie. No, it can't. Did he just

call you Jason?

Uh -huh.

Jason, when I say the words meanderer deluxe, now what one feature comes to

mind? You didn't order the custom cabin level control. There it is right

here. You never can tell when you're going to have to park on a 10 -degree

angle.

Whoa.

Okay, Maggie, what is it?

Maggie?

So at that point, I told her that she owed it to herself as well as Daddy to

tell him how she really felt about all this and for once stand up for her

rights.

Maggie, that was terrible advice.

Aren't you always telling me how important it is to be truthful with each

about our feelings?

Honey, that's for us. Your parents' marriage has never been based on truth.

And that's a good thing? Well, let's get them happily married for 37 years.

Maggie is right. You are the most pig -headed man I have ever met.

And I am not stepping foot on this overblown tin can again.

That's just fine.

But come midnight tonight, I'm pulling out of here with you or without you. And

you can put that in your pipe and smoke it, Miss Gloria Steinbrenner.

Maggie, Jason, which room is mine?

If you put your faith in any man, you'll live to regret it.

All men go wacko eventually.

You hear me?

Oh, yeah.

Carol, go back to your slumber party.

Grandma won't let us.

It's okay.

Mom, go ahead and make yourself a pot of tea, and Jason and I will make up a bed

for you and Carol. Oh, don't go to any trouble.

I can sleep in the garage.

You will not.

Come on, Jason, I want to talk to you. I was afraid of that.

Grandma, hi!

Vinnie!

We have such a good time with you.

Putting puzzles together, singing songs around the piano.

The piano?

Did I hear someone mention the piano?

Well, Benny was just saying... Say, Grandma, you don't happen to know any

tunes, do you? Well, as a matter of fact, I just bought the Dire Straits

songbook.

Hey,

did Benny mention that we just got our piano tune?

Jason,

you've got to talk some sense into him.

Honey, this is their business. Let them work it out.

they aren't going to work anything out. Mom will probably never speak to Dad

again. How do you know that?

Because if you ever did anything as stupid as expecting me to live in a

tin thing like some hobo or something, I'd certainly never speak to you again.

This is good to find out now.

That ain't working.

That's the way you do it.

Money for nothing and the chicks are free.

Everybody let's boogie.

Hey, Mike, how many times? Hey, Dad, we're just protecting the womenfolk

you know, especially since that giant prowler's been in the neighborhood

stealing the nightgowns of teenage women.

I was just starting to like you, so don't go saying something that's going

make me have no use for you again, okay?

Well, this could be a short conversation.

Perfect.

Ed, I could use your help.

Car trouble?

No, you see, well, right now I'm having a problem keeping Maggie happy.

Here, now I won't put up with any of that sex talk.

It's just, well, she asked me to come out here to tell you that this whole

of you spending the rest of your life traveling is stupid.

The problem is I think it's fabulous.

And she also wanted me to tell you that you're treating Kate unfairly. Now, I

don't know if I agree with that or not, but I do know it's none of my business.

Well, you're right about that.

Well, I have to go tell her that we talked about something.

Like what?

Well, like what am I supposed to say to her when she says, how come my dad did

all this without consulting my mom?

Why should I have to consult her?

Well, and some married couples actually do talk to each other. You're talking

about that Phil Donahue and Marlon Perkins, ain't you?

Now, could you at least tell me why you suddenly filled your home?

Why?

I don't know why.

Maybe I ran out of chores.

Replanting the rose garden, extending the back porch, painting. I did those

things the first six months I was on retirement.

I don't know why.

Just recently, the leg broke off of my old easy chair because I was spending so

much time sitting in it watching that Wheel of Fortune.

Which is not a half bad show, by the way.

Maybe it's because last month we paid the house off.

After 25 years and not missing a single payment.

And to celebrate, we went home and fell asleep.

I don't know why.

Let me ask you something.

How many years you figure you got left?

I haven't thought about it much.

I do.

A lot.

I understand.

You do, lad?

Yeah. I wish my wife did.

Well, have you tried telling her how you feel?

Look, if she wanted to marry a communicator, she should have married

Cronkite.

She's going to change her mind.

Won't she?

He'll change his mind.

Won't he?

Sure he will, Mom. He's a sensitive, giving human being. He's a jackass.

You're right.

Maggie, he's your father.

What will I do with myself?

Oh, Mom, I'm sure that everything will work out for the best.

I know.

I'll do what you did.

Resume my career.

Mom, you were a riveter during World War II.

Oh, honey, how did it go?

How did it go? Oh, it went well.

Actually, I think it went very well.

Very well indeed.

This is no business of yours, Margaret Catherine.

Do you have anything to say, Kate?

No. Do you have anything to say?

Not a word.

All right, then. Hold it, Mom.

Now, if you're not going to speak for yourself, then I am going to speak for

you. Maggie, you shouldn't speak for somebody else. Well, somebody sure has

with the screwy way this man is behaving.

Your father hasn't done anything screwy. Oh, come on, Jason. Just the whole idea

of spending the rest of their lives in this thing?

It's way out there.

Maggie, this happens to be a dream for some people. A lot of intelligent,

responsible people, I might add.

Well, name one.

Me.

I'd love to spend the rest of my days like this.

What is it with you men?

What do you have against health?

Your father might have been acting a little impulsively, Maggie, but he was a

desperate man.

He had nothing to look forward to except Wheel of Fortune, which is not a half

-bad show.

mom that? Because that's not his style. Well, his style... His style was fine

for 37 years. 38.

Mom, do you mind? We're having a discussion here.

Margaret Catherine, I won't have you talking to your mother that way.

Well, Dad, at least I talked to her.

I can talk to your mother as well as anyone can.

Kate!

I'm sorry.

I should have told you I was selling the house.

He said told instead of asked.

Eddie, I didn't know you were so unhappy at home.

Well, you know I don't complain much.

Look, the house hasn't gone through escrow yet.

I can take this thing back to Smile and Jake's RV and get us our money back.

Eddie, are you asking me what I want to do?

Well, kind of, yeah.

Well, what would make you happy is what would make me happy.

we standing out here for? There's a whole big world out there to see.

Well, you're right about that, Kate. Maggie, will you tell the kids we said

goodbye? And it was sure nice talking to you, uh, uh, Jason.

Right.

Mom, what about your suitcase?

Send it to me in care of general delivery in Philadelphia.

Kate, I was thinking we should go back to Niagara Falls. It's okay.

It's... Better than okay.

Maggie!

Never mind.

I won't be needing my clothes.

Oh,

James, isn't it wonderful?

Yeah.

And all that baloney you were spouting how you'd really like to live like that

did the trick.

Well, I am a professional.

I count.

I count.

Mom,

hi, Dad. Don't worry, it's just me.

Over here, Mike.

No, Mike. I said over here.

Where are you? I can't see you guys.