Original subtitles

11 .05 on a Christmas Eve morning, and by this time tomorrow, fellow kiddies,

it'll all be over but the exchanging.

Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock.

Jacket.

Garb.

Blue.

All right.

Shirt. Long sleeve.

Oh, wrong style.

Exchange value, $22 .50.

Don't want to mine, Mike.

Ben, I'm a little busy right now.

Just one.

All right, okay, one.

Underwear.

Again?

How am I supposed to have fun with underwear?

I don't know, wear it backwards.

Do another, Mike.

Man, do you mind? I'm looking for the compact disc player I've been hinting

about, all right? Just one more, Mike. Just one more, please. All right, all

right, all right.

Fox. Fox?

What the heck's going on around here?

Hey, don't you let Santa catch you peeking. He'll leave a lump of coal in

stocking. I'm sure I'll have plenty of other socks.

Ah, say, Dad.

By chance, would you need a hand carrying all the other gifts to the

The other gifts? Like all the toys I asked for.

Why do I get the feeling neither of you guys understands the first thing about

the true spirit of Christmas?

You know, it's like I've been saying all day, Ben.

It's not what we get for Christmas, it's what we give.

Now, I, for one, will have a very merry Christmas, no matter what I get under

that tree.

Even if it's not the CD player that's on sale at Crazy Harry's Computer in

Stereo City for only $150.

You know, Mike, there are kids in this world who are worried about a lot more

than whether or not they get a stereo.

Which they would probably trade in a minute, happily, just to have what you

already have.

Which is a family that loves you almost as much as you love yourself.

There, you happy now? You made him mad.

Show me that smile.

And a Christmas, um, bra?

No, Mom, it's a modem.

A modem?

Yeah, the thing I told you I needed for my computer that if I get will make this

the happiest Christmas ever.

Maggie, Carol, come here. Come look.

It's snowing harder than before.

Oh, isn't it beautiful?

Happy? Yeah.

Now, you're thinking how perfect it is.

A beautiful home.

Everybody's healthy.

A great dinner's almost ready. It's Christmas Eve and it's snowing.

I can't think of a single other thing we need.

A motor might come in mighty handy.

Not you too, Carol.

Not me too what?

Well, it seems like the only thing you care about is whether you get this

present you want.

I was only commenting that if I'm lucky enough to get a modem for my computer,

I'd be more than willing to share it with Mom, who could use it to write her

stories by tying into virtually any database in the entire planet.

How could I have misjudged you?

Oh, look at this. It's snowing harder.

Oh, isn't it beautiful?

Beautiful? Mom, the roads are getting bad.

Michael, where do you have to go on Christmas Eve that's more important than

your family?

Well, nowhere. I was just thinking of my dear old dad.

Where does he have to go?

or a fitty Christmas Eve blowout?

Come on, you guys getting a kickback from this man or what?

Ho, ho, ho.

Boy, have I got great news.

You know how you guys have been saying the real meaning of Christmas has got

nothing to do with the presents and other neat stuff?

We've been talking about how sharing and giving are more important than getting.

Yeah, well, I was in the dumpster behind the pizza place around the corner. Oh,

wait, wait, wait, wait.

Ben, what were you doing in the dumpster?

Christmas shopping for Mike.

Ben, you are new.

Yeah, well, I met this kid and I invited her home for Christmas Eve dinner.

What did you do?

I brought her home so we could all share the joy of giving.

Hey, kid!

Mom, this is going to ruin my entire Christmas. Ben, you're just too young to

inviting strangers.

Because she doesn't have anything.

Isn't this fantastic?

Ben,

we thought you understood that if any time a stranger should come up to you

any reason... That you should have nothing to do with them.

I know.

Honey, when we're in the city and someone comes up to me and asks me for

what do I do?

You keep walking.

Right. And Dad gives him money.

What? We can talk about this later, Ben. The point is, well, you're still a

young boy, and if somebody asks you for something, you're just too young to

decide for yourself whether they're needy or dangerous.

But she didn't ask me for anything.

Well, how did you meet her?

I jumped on her head.

What? Well, as I was getting into the dumpster... Ben, what was she doing in

dumpster? Waiting for the pizza place to throw out a pizza.

Oh, dear.

You know that guy at the pizza place with the funny mole on his forehead with

the hair growing out of it?

Yeah, well, he came out and told us he was calling the cops. And since it was

snowing and she didn't have anything to eat or any place to stay, I invited her

to come here.

That's what you guys would have done, right?

Well, I don't know. She may be one of us.

The John?

We don't have one.

Uh, no, it's down the hall to your left.

How could you let her use our bathroom?

Hey, I never use that bathroom.

Where is she?

Uh, she didn't like the way Carol smelled, so she left.

She's in the bath.

Oh, I better get some towels.

Well, it seems as though Ben has presented all of us with quite a

Yeah, all right. So what's going to be his punishment, Dad? Well, I'm not

punishing him. What?

And the girl will be staying for dinner and spending the night.

What?

Oh, come on, Dad. Grow up.

Hey, Dad, there's a real fine line between being nice and stupid.

Where do you two get these kind of ideas?

Where's the disinfectant?

Maggie. Yes? Would you explain to Carol and Mike how you feel about all this?

Oh, well, I agree with your dad that we should share our dinner with this girl.

And let her spend the night.

Oh, come on, Jason.

Grow up.

Hello.

We haven't officially met. I'm Jason. This is Maggie.

Carol and Mike, this is Ben's brother and sister.

Who's Ben?

Ben's the kid you met in the dumpster.

Our son.

And you are?

Nancy Reagan.

Well, Nancy, nice to finally meet you in person.

Meet you in person.

Well, okay.

You know, there's just enough time before dinner for a nice hot shower.

So go ahead.

I have something for you to put on after. to your shower, Mrs. Reagan.

I'll just slip your clothes into the washer.

Um, I don't want to put you out or nothing. Oh, no, no. It's my pleasure.

I mean, how much trouble could it be to rinse out a couple of, you know... Oh,

thanks.

Oh, I hope my washer has a yuck cycle.

Rudolph the Red -Nosed Reindeer.

Had a very shiny life.

Honey,

can I come in?

Oh, please do.

I bribed the kids to set the table.

Jason. Honey.

Drive them again.

What are you doing?

Oh, Jason, this belongs to her.

Oh, boy.

Honey, I think charity is wonderful, too, and you're a dear, sweet man, but

couldn't we help someone who doesn't pack a big sticker?

Calm down.

Don't get excited.

That's easy for you to say. You're trained to deal with disturbed people.

you don't know that this kid is disturbed.

Jason, don't you think the fact... that she lives in filth and carries her own

cutlery. It indicates a teensy -weensy problem.

Honey, I have an awful lot of experience dealing with runaways down at the

shelter. I know. Well, I know that they're lonely and they're desperate.

They're frightened.

Me too.

All right, then let me talk to her.

Trust me. I can promise you one thing. She won't get the knife back. And if I

sense any danger, I'll call the authorities.

Okay.

You see, I do know how to handle disturbed people. Oh, don't lose your

Feel better?

Cleaner.

Hey, that's my blade!

Well, we would prefer that our guests were unarmed.

Fine. Give me the knife and I'll split.

Can we talk?

Just let me leave.

Sit down.

Why? Well, because I have a bit of a problem with the idea of you wandering

streets cold and hungry on Christmas Eve.

So, you're a Democrat.

You want to talk, or should I call the authorities?

Republican.

Sid.

If you're thinking of calling the juvies, I got better things to do than

to some stupid shrink.

Well, then, this isn't your day.

What do you mean?

I'm a stupid shrink.

Oh, boy.

Out of all the dumpsters in the world, your kid had to fall into mine.

Well, I don't see any Secret Service people around, so I'm going to assume

you're not really Nancy Reagan.

I say, you are good.

Why did you run away?

I didn't like the new TV season.

Well, if everybody who hated TV did that, we wouldn't have an empty dumpster

between here and Denver.

Why did you really leave home?

Because nobody wanted me there.

Your parents told you that?

Look, Doc, let me save you some time.

Nobody hit me, nobody touched me, nobody did anything.

Nobody gave a damn.

You sure?

Look, who cares? I don't anymore.

I don't believe you.

So if you want to use our phone, you don't have to tell them where you're

calling from. Just make a call and let them know you're still alive, okay?

Okay.

You're going to call the heat now, aren't you?

That figures.

That just figures.

No, I'm not going to call anybody.

You see, you're wrong about me.

And if you could be wrong about me, you should consider the possibility you

might be wrong about your folks, too.

And for your information, in the last three elections, I voted independent.

Mom,

mom, could you turn that down a little bit?

Wait, wait, you're asking me to turn the stereo down?

Yeah, I know it's a first, but come on, I'm getting full of a lot of death here.

No problem, Mike. I'll just put on the Beach Boys Christmas album.

No, no, this is fine.

Oh, Ben, don't you... Save it, Mom.

This suit has weenie written all over it.

Hey, Ben, where's the kid?

Carol's dressing her in some dippy outfit.

Yeah, well, I know. She's not sitting next to me when I'm trying to eat.

Make way for Big Pig.

And this is the last of it.

Hey, Mom, you should have heard what Dad just called you.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Aren't we missing Carol and our guest?

Why, I swear.

You guys are not going to believe this.

Oh,

don't you?

Wonderful, Jason. Doesn't she look beautiful?

She doesn't look dippy at all.

I'm sorry. Was that you I kicked, Ben?

Why don't you sit next to Ben?

You even smell good.

I hardly miss the dumpster.

On that festive note, I would like to remind you all of the great fever family

tradition where we go around the table and everyone tells everybody else.

why they're so thankful for this. Dad, we do this every year. Well, if you'd

rather just forget about it, you're out of luck, okay?

All right, now, Ben, you start.

Come on, Ben.

Let's go, Ben. All right.

I'm thankful that I got taller this year and Mike didn't.

That's it?

Oh, yeah, and I'm thankful there wasn't too much damage from the goofy glue

incident.

Could happen to anyone.

Carol. Okay.

Well, I'm glad that I got straight A's for the seventh year in a row.

And I'm also pretty pleased that Bobby Wynette finally called me after three

weeks.

Oh, and I'm very happy that my whole family is healthy.

Oh, honey, that's funny.

At least physically.

Where to begin?

Um, no, okay, I'm thankful for my car, even though upkeep and routine

maintenance has gone through the roof lately, which can't drain a teenager's

part -time job and come virtually wiping out any... Mike!

You there?

Never mind.

All right, you're up, Maggie.

Okay,

my mom.

Okay, well, let's see.

I'm thankful...

For my kids.

And my career.

And I owe it all to the smartest, sexiest guy in the whole U .S. of A.

I'm just kidding.

No, honey, I'm serious.

Oh, brother.

All right, it's my turn.

Could take us in the new year.

Well, I'm mad thankful.

that the Seavers made it through yet another year without any major

with the exception of the Goofy Glue incident.

And I'm thankful that our lives are so full of shut -up, Mike, joy.

And I'm thankful that we have a guest in our home this year who will go back out

into the world and tell the people that the Seavers' worst crime is that we're a

little corny.

Well, let's eat.

Yes.

Tell us what she's thankful for.

I got nothing to say.

That's okay.

No, no, no. I think that if we're supposed to treat her like a member of

family, that she should suffer the same humiliation we do, right? Let's just

forget about it and just... But, Dad, you said she... Ow!

All right, who kicked me this time?

Oh, okay, okay.

Uh... Ben?

thankful that you fished me out of the garbage.

And, uh, Mrs. Thiever, thank you for washing my clothes.

And Carol, thank you for lending me your outfit, and I'm thankful that I'm not

freezing to death in the snow.

For one day, at least.

Gee, that's all that. The goofy glue incident seems pretty silly.

Don't stop for the table.

Jason, do you realize this is the first year that the kids are actually going to

be surprised on Christmas morning?

Well, the attic was a stroke of genius.

I'm glad I thought of it.

Honey, does it ever occur to you that we just have too much?

Yep, we sure are lucky.

I mean, look at all of this.

To Carol from us, to Ben from us.

To us from Ben.

Oh, to Carol from Mike?

To Mike from Mike?

Look at this. To Nancy Reagan from Carol.

To Nancy from Ben. Honey, look at these.

I don't have to.

This is to Nancy from Mike.

Well, they didn't have time to shop.

Can you believe this?

Either our kids are learning something about Christmas or we're learning

something about our kids.

Who asked them?

Who the hell asked them?

What is it? What's wrong?

What is it? Look!

Oh, no.

She took everything.

Even my socks and underwear.

All right, just tell me this. Had you brought the good presents down from the

attic yet?

Mike, this is no time to be thinking of yourself.

Well, yesterday was a time for that before Mr. Goofy Glue here brought his

friend the cat burglar home.

What a ripple.

Boy, are we suckers. Michael, just stop it.

What? I can't believe it. I mean, I was talking to her. I thought I was getting

somewhere with her.

Yeah, now she's getting somewhere with our Christmas. I'm going after her.

Me too.

And you aren't going to find anything.

Wow.

What do you know, Jason?

She couldn't go through with it.

She stopped. I mean, she was home free.

Maybe she was scared.

Or sorry.

Or nice.

Or maybe she was just as affected by us as we were by her.

Hi, Daddy.

It's Denise.

Yeah, it's really me.