Original subtitles

I've got to figure out a way to get the morning paper without having to give

Alan Kuzman a free diagnosis.

Well, is my story in?

Oh, they've made a terrible mistake.

What? What?

Well, they put your story on the front page.

Are you serious?

Major Long Island developer offers bribe to county officials by Margaret Beaver.

Oh, no.

No, it's Margaret Seaver.

Oh, honey, I owe you for this. If you hadn't moved your practice home so I

try my career again, I'd never be on page one.

Well, if you really think you owe me one, next time they give you a byline,

don't you have it read Mrs. Jason Seaver?

Don't hold your breath.

So much for gratitude.

Well, I'd better change before work.

These aren't your work clothes?

Well, when I put this on this morning, I was the page six writer, and now I have

to dress for page one.

I need a good job.

Oh, don't be a fool. Stay in school.

No, no.

Today's the day we're supposed to observe someone at work so we can do a

about it tomorrow, career day.

So? I was all set to do mine on Kathy Dunham's dad.

He's a stockbroker. And Kathy just called to tell me that they fired her

after 32 years with the company. Talk about wrecking my morning.

Well, you know, you do know some other people with interesting jobs.

Name one.

Somebody very close to you happens to be a dedicated professional who also heads

up a family and is a pretty snappy dresser.

I was talking about me, Carol.

But, Dad, I need someone with a real job.

Mother!

Flimface!

Dad, I think I'm sick.

Carol, you know, some people think psychiatry is a real job.

Fine, fine, don't believe me.

Huh?

No, Dad, I'm sick. Here, take my temperature.

Okay.

Oral or the old -fashioned way?

Show me that smile again Don't waste another minute

on your crying We're nowhere near the end The best is ready

to be

with just a touch of jelly.

There's oatmeal on the stove.

Perfect!

Mom says it's a great idea.

Mike, I'm not going to school today. I'm spending the whole day recording Mom.

Ha! I'm spending the whole day at home doing nothing.

Hi, guys.

Oh, honey, I gotta run.

I don't want people saying now that Maggie's a star reporter she's coming in

late.

Quick kiss to the people she calls her family. A hectic day in the typical pell

-mell world of a great reporter begins.

Oh, and Jason, could you do that extra load of laundry if you get a chance?

With petty thoughts of home behind her, she heads off into the cruel, unknown

that is the real world.

What are you doing?

Uh, healing.

Well enough for video games. I can have you at school in 15 minutes.

Oh, I hope I'm not too much trouble, Dad.

If your head clears, remember those school books are right in front of you.

Now I'm hearing bells.

Ellen Kuzman, I'm so busy right now. Please come in.

I can only...

know if I could borrow some dry yeast from you? I was going to go to the store

this morning, but my legs were so tired. I don't know if it's the pills that the

doctor gave me or if it's the weather that's causing... Hi, Mike. Hey, I'm

I'll get some yeast.

Thank you. I wanted to bake some bread to go with the soup that I make.

Now I'm coming down with a cold. Can you believe it? All winter long, it's been

one thing after the other.

Dr. Seaver, you've got to help me.

I feel like a woman trapped in a man's body.

Not a very pretty one, either.

How are you? Good to see you. Come on in.

You remember Maggie?

I thought I did.

Actually, this is Ellen Kuzman, our next -door neighbor, Dr.

Miller. Oh, so you're a doctor, too.

I have this terrible pain right here below me. No, no, no.

Dr. Miller's a veterinarian.

There's a bald spot on my schnauzer. It's really funny. Right here, it's got

this thing that... I know you can't stay. Oh, nice to meet you, doctor.

nice to meet you.

Thanks for not telling her I'm a psychiatrist.

I'm in between patients now. You want to come in the office? Yeah.

This is your

office? Help.

Working at home is great, really.

I can see why you left your position at Long Island General.

All right, let's get it over with. Are you going to tell me all the reasons you

think I was foolish to quit?

No, I'd rather show you my latest book.

Whoa.

Sexual Dysfunctions of Middle Age.

I figured you could use it.

Well, at least you're now writing something that you know about.

Why don't you let your nurse get that?

Uh, she's at lunch.

It's 9 a .m. She's a large woman, but I love her.

Oh, good morning, sir. How are you? I'm Jerry from Rapid Roofing. Oh, well, our

roof is fine, thank you. Your garage leaks like a fiddle.

Who said that?

The lady next door with the bald -headed dog.

She wouldn't know. I'll check it out right now. No, it's all... Listen, hey,

ooh.

Hey, Dad, I think I'm well enough to watch TV now. As long as you don't enjoy

it.

Oh, it's a real exciting little practice you got here, Doctor.

Well, it's not usually this quiet. Most of the time, this house is crawling with

people with mental problems.

Yeah, you wish.

All right, Jason, enough of this male bonding.

I wanted to tell you that I'm leaving Long Island General.

After all those years? Yeah, I think it's time to move on. Do something

worthwhile for a change.

I'm going to do talk radio in L .A.

L .A. You never run out of patients out there.

Now look, the board of directors wants me to pick my successor.

And I'm picking you.

Me? Yeah, who better?

You know, you once told me you wanted to run this department by the time you

were 40.

Well, you're going to be three years ahead of schedule.

Are you kidding?

I never kid about work or underwear.

This is incredible. This is the kind of opportunity I've... I can't take the

job. What?

See, Maggie, I have a deal with her now.

She's taking a shot at her career. Jason, this is head of the entire

I can't.

She's really rolling now, Hal.

She was on the front page this morning. Did you see it? No. No. Look, Jason, how

often do you get a chance like this?

Department head at 37.

It's impossible, Hal. Jason, promise me you'll at least think about it.

Hal, my life right now is... Dry rock!

You're about to lose the whole meeting!

We're back in the eye of the storm. The frantic, fast -paced newsroom of the

Long Island Daily Herald.

Dozens of reporters race around the room feverishly.

Now what are you doing, Mom?

Looking for a teabag.

Ah, here it is.

Then what are you going to do?

Well, first I'm going to make myself a cup of tea.

And then I'm going to talk to Susan Rush, my city editor, about the follow

story I'm working on.

Hey, Carol, you should talk to Susan.

She could tell you all about a newspaper career. She's an editor, a woman,

young, articulate, and she's a very sweet person.

Maggie.

About your article.

Uh -huh.

I just got a call from a Joseph K. Chadway, the builder you accused of

county officials in the story I ran on page one this morning. Uh -huh. Joseph

Chadway was a little angry at being accused of bribery.

Oh, I'll bet.

He's the man you meant to accuse with Joseph A.

Chadway.

Holy moly.

Exactly what our lawyer said.

Oh, Susan, I don't know how this possibly could have... I just can't

didn't double -check the name.

I mean, that's about as basic as it gets.

Maggie, I am pulling you from the follow -up and getting a real reporter.

Oh,

was I right?

Is she nice or what?

Come on.

Still on.

Oh.

She'd have to quit again.

And now I'm talking to myself. That's another reason to take the job.

Hey, Dad.

What is it, Mike?

Gilligan's Island is on every day at 3 .30.

Mike, I'm very busy. I'm trying to make it tough to see you. Dad, Dad, it's on

whether I watch it or not.

Gilligan, the skipper, too. The millionaire, his wife, the professor,

Mary Ann? Exactly.

What's the point?

Dad, it's not on for me.

It's just...

Mike, are you starting to realize that the world doesn't revolve around you?

Yeah, I guess I am.

Well, congratulations. You know, you've hit on one of the basic ideas in the

philosophy of Camus.

I'm a killer whale.

No, Mike, that's Shamu.

Excuse me, I have to empty the dryer.

Here, Dad, look, I can even show you.

That's okay, thanks.

School bus.

Hey, Dad!

What? What is it?

Did you see?

If Gilligan goes on without me, so does my school.

You know, all day today, life went on, even though I wasn't there.

Mike, this is your first philosophical realization. I'm proud of you.

See, you can learn from TV.

Dad, all day today, life went on without me.

And you, too.

Well, I'm not sure.

Dad, don't you understand the world doesn't need us anymore?

It's just fine without us. Oh, speak for yourself, Mike.

Gosh, if I feel like this after one day, how do you feel?

You're stuck here every day.

I'm not stuck.

Michael, I'm not stuck.

I'm here because I want to be here.

Now, if you'll excuse me, my laundry's calling.

Coming, socks.

Just like the castaways on Gilligan's Isle.

A three -hour tour.

Dad! Dad!

Hi, Carol. You're home early. Where's Mom?

Parking her car. Listen, I don't have much time to explain, but Mom has had

worst day of her entire life.

What? Now, you can't do or say anything to upset her, okay?

Well, what happened?

Hi, honey.

Hi.

I appreciate your concern, but as I told you all afternoon, I'm fine.

What happened?

Oh, I had a disagreement with my editor.

Dad, she made Mom look like a complete... Carol.

I've got it on tape, Dad. You decide.

Oh, now, Carol, you just don't understand how adults talk to adults.

they yell.

Haven't you seen the new Jack Klugman show?

Sure, sure. That must be it.

What happened? Oh, no big deal.

Good. You know the way she's carrying on. I thought it was the end of the

No.

Hey, you remember Hal Miller, doctor from Long Island General? Well, he came

here today. Oh, Jason.

What? I have never been so humiliated in all my life. Honey, why?

And it's not being yelled at that really bothered me, or even making the mistake

to begin with. What mistake?

I used a K instead of an A.

No.

Well, that's not so bad. Who will probably sue us because we said he was a

felon. That could be trouble.

But you know what really, really got to me?

No. It's what kept going through my head when Susan was yelling at me.

What? That instead of working, I could be home doing the laundry.

And it sounded good.

Oh, you weren't thinking straight.

Oh, Jason, it's time I faced a few things, and I need your advice.

Okay. Okay?

Over this past year, I've had a lot of fears about going back to work.

Can I pick up right where I left off 18 years ago?

Can I compete with people half, three quarters my age?

Do I really want a career or is it the idea of having a career that I love?

Am I being fair to the kids?

Am I being fair to you?

So I did what you always do.

I started two lists.

Good.

One of reasons to...

Keep my job.

See, it's blank.

And the other reasons to quit.

Look at it.

Bread, milk, pantyhose?

No, no, no, the other side.

Well, this is quite a list.

So, what do you think?

asking me if I think you could quit?

Yeah.

Well, it's interesting that you should ask me this today of all days.

Oh, honey, I need your advice. I know you'll be fair and objective.

Yes.

So you were the one that advised me to go back to work when in your heart of

hearts you didn't want me to?

Well, I did, yes.

Yes, and I love you for it.

Thank you.

So I know you'll be fair and objective here, too, even if you really wanted me

to quit, because I know staying at home has to be getting to you.

Well, I've done... Should I quit?

Oh, that's tough, Maggie.

Honey, what do you think?

Well, I think that, uh, if you think that you've made a mistake going back to

work, then I think, uh, then you could, uh...

Do something about it.

Well, I guess that's all there is to say.

Mom, I just heard, and I still love you, even if you are a rotten reporter.

Good morning.

David, it's just me.

Then get out of my chair.

I was just warming it for you.

Out of my chair, squirt.

to clear some things up with the boss.

How do you know?

I'm small.

People forget I'm around and say all kinds of things.

Your guy should have told her that you still believe in her and that you're

behind her.

Hey, Mom doesn't need to hear that from us as long as Dad's around.

That's what we're here for. That's why people get married.

So that there's at least one person saying you're okay when you know you're

a crummy bag of dog meat.

Mike, you're absolutely right.

You guys are going to have to clean up here and lock the door when you leave.

I'm going to go catch Mom before she makes a mistake.

She shouldn't give up because of one little mistake.

She knows that. I mean, after you were born, she had another kid, didn't she?

That's funny.

Here.

You said yesterday that you wanted a real reporter to do the follow -up to my

story. Well, you've got one.

Me. You find anything wrong with that and I'm out of here for good.

But if you don't find anything wrong with it, I expect you to use it because

it's as good as anybody can do in this office.

You're right. And I don't think it's very fair that you just... What?

I said... You're right.

Oh.

She doesn't know what she's saying. She doesn't mean a word of it.

What? Yes, I do. No, you don't. Yes, I do.

I just want you to know that I don't want you to quit.

Quit? I am not going to quit.

No? No.

No.

This isn't the Daily Planet.

Excuse me.

Lois?

Clark?

Jimmy?

Jason.

Jason, what were you thinking?

At which embarrassing point?

Don't get me fired. No, I came down here to keep you from quitting.

Yesterday you told me to quit. Well, that was bad advice.

That I relied on.

Well, today I rushed down here to stop you from following it.

Why didn't you follow it?

Because it was bad advice.

Okay, I admit it.

I like the idea of you coming back and taking over the house, Maggie. I've been

feeling trapped.

And you saw Long Island General as a way out?

You knew about that?

When I was leaving this morning, I happened to find it.

Reason to take the job, reason to turn it down.

Guess you probably read it, too.

Yep.

Both columns.

Jason, why didn't you tell me about the offer?

Well, because I didn't want it to seem like I was telling you to quit so that I

could pursue my opportunity.

Which I was.

You really want to take Hal's offer, don't you?

I considered it.

And then I made out this list.

And it came out clearly against.

Jason, it's nine to one in favor of taking the job.

Yes, but the one reason not to, the one called Maggie, that's more important to

me than all the rest.

You're terrific.

Okay, well, it's only fair, you know. I guess it's my turn to stay home with

Gilligan and the skipper and the... We gotta ask Mike. He's the new philosopher

of the family.

Mr.

Perlow's feelings of paranoia have been greatly reduced by the realization of

the fact that he is indeed...

universally disliked.

On the bright side... In here, Carol.

Hi, honey.

How was career day?

Well, see, I realized that most jobs hang by a slender thread.

So I decided not to do Mom's job, and I did Emily Sullivan's father's job

instead. What does he do?

He's a clerk at the unemployment office.

Hey, great news, Dad.

I heard it once. I heard it a hundred times today. When I was sick, every

teacher mentioned that it was not the same there without me disrupting class

making stupid comments.

That's great news.

Yeah, well, it is to me.

I mean, the 10th grade may not revolve around me, but they sure know when I'm

not there.

Hey, Carol, come on. Gilligan's on it. We can't stop it.

Thus ends another day in the life of a great psychiatrist.

Not behind the facade of a big city hospital, but right here in the real