Original subtitles

All right, so who needs eggs anyway?

Mike, it's breakfast.

Mom and Dad need all the protein they can get.

You're just making me nervous.

I'll try again.

Hey, why not? The 12th time's the charm.

Even garbage disposals have limits, Carol.

Yeah, Mom and Dad are going to scarf this stuff up. All right, we got Odie.

Check. Peanut butter toast? Check. Space bar? Check.

Champagne? Check.

Stomach pump?

Oh, sure, sure. Go ahead and criticize, Carol. But where were you when Ben and I

were planning this breakfast?

Putting on my face. You missed.

Okay.

We're going to open the door and tiptoe in without making a sound.

No. We'll scream and surprise them.

Dad, could you...

Serious harm to people their age.

So, you tiptoe and I'll scream.

Ben. I like to scream.

How lucky for you. Hey, come on. Quiet down. You're going to wake them up.

Do I have to do all the thinking?

Just wait until I grow bigger.

You're not going to grow bigger, Ben. Mom and Dad were crying about it the

night.

Very strange.

It's seven in the morning.

Saturday morning.

What could they be?

Well, maybe they finally had enough of us and moved.

You know, this is exactly like that Twilight Zone I saw.

There was these parents who everybody thought was just a little strange.

And then, one dark night, their kids followed them into this creepy forest

they saw them get into this weird -looking flying saucer.

That's when they found out that their parents were these aliens from outer

space.

I got it.

Happy anniversary?

Show me that smile.

that reflects our love for you and the deep bond that holds this family

together.

So... We're leaving town.

Just for the day, so you can spend it alone without any of us in your hair.

Now, don't give us any arguments.

Oh, please, don't go.

Oh, that was so sweet.

It really is, but your mom and I have a very busy day ahead.

We really plan on celebrating tonight.

Yeah, if there's one show you gotta see this season, this is the one.

Hi, Mom!

Oh, guys, what a lovely surprise.

It's the best!

But I've got a patient to see. Your mom has that story to research. We probably

won't even have any time to spend alone.

So there's really no reason for you to endanger your lives in Grandma's car.

You guys can use the gift or not. That's up to you. But I'm not going to miss my

chance to see 24 of the hottest -looking babes in the Big Apple.

I'm with Mike. I have no idea why.

Mike, about these hot babes in the Kaiser Fall. Uh, Dad, I already told

everything he needs to know about the show.

Everything. Got it?

Well, Mike, I hope someone has told you...

Don't forget your binoculars.

Just a great sister.

Carol,

you do know that these hot babes are really guys.

Yeah, I do.

Oh, you know, Jason, we could actually spend the day together. Yeah.

Too bad I've got a mountain of paperwork to do today.

Oh, and I have a hair appointment and several hours of research on the story

doing, but I could put those off till tomorrow. But Saturday's my day to

the file. And I do have that patient to see.

Oh, you're right.

I guess I just got distracted by the thought of a long, lazy, relaxing day

together with no interruptions.

Besides, what would we do all day?

I don't know. We could always grout the bathtub.

Well, I'll cancel my appointments if you cancel yours.

The plumbing.

The plumber's supposed to come by today to fix the garbage disposal.

Ooh, had me worried there.

Honey, we have to go. That lunch reservation's for noon.

Honey! What are you doing?

The cleaning woman's coming. I can't let her see this mess.

Sooner or later, she's bound to find out we're slobs, Meg.

Come on, for now, we have a reservation for lunch, Rockaway Beach, watching the

waves caress the shore.

Sipping champagne from silver goblets and toasting the woman I was lucky

to find. Smart enough to marry and handsome enough to keep.

Oh, Jason.

You can be such a romance.

Hold that thought.

Hi.

I'm Buzz, the plumber.

You got a bomb garbage disposal?

Gee, we canceled that appointment. Didn't they call you in the truck?

They won't let me have a radio in my truck.

Well, it's just that we have an appointment that we have to keep.

I could come back later.

Thanks.

Wait.

How long would it take you to fix it? Oh, a half hour, 45 minutes.

Okay, come in, please.

do you charge?

Fifty dollars an hour.

Hi. Oh, hello, Fred. Yeah.

Sure, just a second. Maggie, it's your editor.

Hello? Oh, hi, Fred.

Really? Oh, that's great.

Today? Oh, but I... Well, sure, I can't... You bet.

You bet. I'll be there.

Yes. Thank you.

Bye. Let me call the restaurant. Uh, Jason? Can I have the phone?

That was Fred at the paper. I know.

Uh, I'll bet that nut called to wish us a happy anniversary.

Uh, Jason, you're just trying to make me feel guilty because you know I have bad

news. Sure.

What's the fun of being a psychiatrist if you can't play mind games on your

wife?

Oh, seriously, honey, I've been trying to nail down this interview for weeks,

and it finally came through, but it's got to be today.

Okay. In Washington.

Washington? Oh, who with?

You know the Secretary of Transportation?

Yeah.

I'm meeting with a third assistant to the deputy of the undersecretary who

reports to her.

Wow.

Oh, honestly, honey, this is the only shot I'm going to get at this, and if I

don't do it now, I've lost it. Well... It's a 45 -minute commute applied to

Washington. I can go to the interview and be back in time to have dinner with

you. My treat.

But if you're disappointed, I'll stay home, I'll have lunch, I'll be happy,

be content, totally fulfilled. Look, have you got it? No, thanks.

I knew my dad was wrong about you.

Just so at some point today, you and I finally get a chance to grout the tub.

Count it.

I forgot my toolbox.

I think everyone connected with that show should be shot.

Even the redhead you whistled at? That would be Maurice.

Okay, Carol, it was a fine joke. A good joke. Possibly even a funny joke.

But who really paid the price here? Was it me? No.

It was little confused Ben.

Hey, you guys!

Maurice was a tight end and I... Iowa State.

Mom, Dad, we're back.

You just can't wait to tell them, huh, Carol?

Mom, Dad.

Guys. Did you and Mom have a romantic date?

Well, not exactly.

Can you keep it down? Because I'm just finishing up with a patient in here.

Sure. Hey, where's Mom?

Washington.

Washington.

This is not a good sign.

I bet when Mom and Dad got alone, Dad started telling his jokes and Mom hopped

the first plane to anywhere.

Mike, there's a body on the kitchen floor.

Man or woman?

I can't tell anymore.

Somebody should go check him out.

Ben?

Look, my chicken sauce.

Dad, did you see... Oh, good.

They didn't stick. Dad, you notice there's the, uh... So, uh, how was

Great. Is Maurice still with the show?

Maurice? Shut up, both of you.

Buzz, how's it going?

Almost finished.

Only five and a half hours.

That's $50 an hour.

Dad, is Mom ever coming back?

She'll be back in plenty of time for our candlelit dinner for two.

You guys will spend the night at Grandma's.

Oh, come on, Dad. How many times do we have to risk our lives in a single day?

Hello?

Oh, sweetheart, I am so, so sorry. I'm still in Washington. Everything got

screwed up on this end, and the interview got put off until tomorrow, so

paper's putting me up at the Hotel Royale tonight, and I'll be interviewing

first thing in the morning, and then I'll get home as fast as I can so that

can celebrate our anniversary, because I swear, honey, if I'd known this was

going to happen, I never would have come.

Who is this?

you'll be sending me a bill on that?

Post haste.

How much will it come to?

Well, I have to add the labor and the parts.

Ballpark.

$347 .75.

Just out of curiosity, how much would a new garbage disposal cost?

$125.

Wouldn't you like me to install one?

No, no.

No, thank you.

Bye.

Happy anniversary!

Hey, Daddy, you need any more of this junk on your plate?

Nah, I'm not hungry.

Michael, it's foul.

Tell me about it.

Dad!

Sorry, I wasn't listening.

Looked like you were. I guess you psychiatrists get pretty used to faking

after all those years of listening to wackos.

Michael, wacko is a term psychiatrists reserve for members of their immediate

family.

Just kidding. Well, don't.

What you've just witnessed is a classic display of displaced anger in which I

allow my frustrations to be vented on the first available person to upset me.

This transference lets me lessen my stress and allows me to feel really

Shouldn't have gotten on the plane.

Yes, this is Mrs. Seaver in 722.

Is there anyone in the hotel that could help me with plane reservations?

I wish there was something we could do to cheer Dad up.

You could leave home.

I got an idea.

Mike, Dad's been deeply disappointed by the woman he loves.

I'm sure you can understand that after Maurice.

It's a really good idea.

He's used to disappointment, Carol. After all, his second oldest child is

They really miss the sensitivity, you know?

It's not the dinner. It's just that they need at least a moment in that special

day when...

They can be together and look into each other's eyes and think about the years

they've shared, the good times, the bad times.

You mean they want to do a ditty?

Hey, who lost 20 bucks?

What? Where?

Now that I have your attention, why doesn't Dad fly to Washington and be

Mom tonight?

I hate it when he does that.

Order the plane tickets.

And I'll get no credit as usual.

And Mr. Waller is showing great improvement in controlling his feelings

inadequacy. The sessions are proving especially useful in decreasing his

anniversary.

Ignore anniversary, Freudian slip.

In decreasing his anxiety.

Dad! I'm working!

Ignore I'm working, teenage son.

Dad!

I'm turning the recorder off now so as not to have it used against me in a

of law.

Right, it better be important.

Dan, on behalf of all of us, get out.

What's going on?

Come on, this is your son you're talking to here.

Now, I'm sensitive enough to know that this anniversary thing has you feeling

like garbage.

Why don't you just shoot him?

Well, before anybody shoots me or shoves me down the garbage disposal, which

probably doesn't work anyway, will you please explain to me where we're going

and why is Ben driving?

Well, I decided you should fly to Washington tonight and surprise Mom.

You decided?

Well, that's a great idea, but I... Dad, your bag's packed, your ticket's

ordered, and Grandma's on her way over.

Oh, hey, look, that's wonderful, but I can't stay here another second.

See you later.

I solved your problem. I decided you should fly to Washington.

Who cares whose idea it was? Grow up.

Yeah, stop thinking of yourself.

Here comes Grandma.

Not Grandma. Not going fast.

Staying on the right side of the road.

Holy cow. Oh, no. Leave it.

Hi, guys.

Hi, Mom. Hi. Oh, is your dad in the living room?

No. Good.

And I think you will, too.

Is he in the kitchen?

No.

In the bedroom?

No.

Well, where is he?

Washington.

What?

I don't get it either. All I know is it was Ben's idea.

Attention. Final boarding. Flight 256 for Washington National.

Gate 27.

Maybe that aisle seat isn't taken if you wanted to slide over. Then we'd both

have more room to keep going. No, this is row L, seat two. This is my seat. All

flights, any flights, my seat.

Okay.

No,

this is row L.

Feet, too. This is my feet.

All flight, any flight. My feet.

Okay.

Jason. No, Luther.

I'm talking to you.

Honey?

Maggie! What are you doing here?

I missed you.

Oh, I missed you, too.

That's sweet.

What about that big interview that couldn't wait?

Well, I asked myself what Ted Koppel would do if he were married to a

man like you.

Well, first of all, I wouldn't let him work that late every night.

I figured I could fly back tomorrow to do the interview after I spend the

evening with my main squeeze.

What a coincidence.

You're on your way to see someone, too? Someone very special.

Oh, Jason.

Did you think of this all by yourself?

Well, I got some help from the other men in your life, Mike and Ben, and not to

mention Carol.

Oh, look what I got for you.

Roses.

Yeah.

Oh, honey, they're beautiful.

Oh, and I have something for you, too.

Yeah?

Sir,

thank you.

Uh, excuse me.

I can't see. Oh, honey.

My dad was right about you.

You know, when two people spend 17 years together... Can I help you with that?

Sure.

I think 17 years deserves a moment alone together. Just the two of us.

The three of us.

So that we can stare into each other's eyes and say, if I had it to do over...

Oh, honey, I'd do it all over again. I love you. Oh, I love you, too.

And I love both of you.

To love!

To love!

Wait. Hmm?

I just wanted to last a moment longer. Oh.

Well, then let's not come back and say we did.

Something but no.

We have to get back to those three beautiful children who miss us and need

You little weasel!

You're getting me in bed, huh?

Hi.

Ooh la la, the love boat's in. Hey, I'll see you later, guys.

Maggie, are you thinking what I'm thinking?

What are you thinking? I'm thinking about Yogi Berra.

What a coincidence.

Well, it was Yogi who coined the phrase, it ain't over till it's over.