Original subtitles

Show me that smile again.

Don't waste another minute on your crying.

We're nowhere near the end.

The best is that it can begin.

Oh, as long as...

Taking the A train.

Mike, what are the wise men doing on the train track?

They're wise men. They must know what they're doing.

Mike, come on.

It's a miracle.

Mike.

We three kings, we know what we like spent.

Christmas with our friend Mike.

Dan, stop that. You'll get to open one present after dinner.

But I thought you said everyone's Christmas Eve present would have a big

on it.

It will.

Well, everyone has one with a big red bow on it except me.

Well, maybe we should tell them the truth, guys.

What truth?

Well, Ben, you're adopted.

And Santa doesn't know your new address.

Mom! Mike.

The only one of us kids who's adopted is Mike.

I'm not adopted.

Not yet.

I'm surprised I'm definitely not here.

Well, Ben, maybe Santa just hasn't brought it yet.

Oh, come on. There's no such thing as Santa.

Hey, Ben.

You know that for a fact?

Okay, okay. I tell you what.

I'll go get myself some Christmas. cookies, and who knows?

Maybe Santa will decide this is the perfect opportunity to bring my present.

Know what I mean?

So when are you guys going to pick it up? Around four.

He's going to be so excited.

So, Jason, how excited am I going to be about my present?

Well, it depends. Have you been naughty or have you been nice?

I've been nice and naughty.

Santa likes it when you talk like that.

Hey, everybody, it's snowing. Oh, right, right, it's Christmas.

Look at that. Oh, it's beautiful.

You know, Christmas is sort of neat. Just the five of us hanging out in a

warm house, kind of getting into the spirit.

Mike?

You think I like being obnoxious all the time?

Yeah, I guess I do.

I'll get it.

What did we do to be blessed with such a child?

Dad, it's one of your patients.

Mr. Bodewell.

I think the suit looks great.

I gotta talk to you, Doc.

Aren't you supposed to be playing standing down at the orphanage? I can't

through with that.

Why not?

Watch this.

Ho, ho.

Let's talk.

Vulture, when I saw you last week, you were so excited about playing Santa for

those kids at the orphanage. What happened?

Doc, the kids are going to hate me.

Now, why should they hate you?

Same reason everybody hates me. I make people uncomfortable.

Look at you. You're fidgeting. I'm not fidgeting.

Okay, now, Walter, what's the one thing in your life that bothers you the most?

Those little subscription cards that fall out of magazines.

Walter.

Being alone.

Yes. And don't you think those kids at the orphanage are lonely, too?

Yeah. But I don't know how to talk to kids, Doc.

Well, relax. Just be yourself.

You'll know what to say.

Well, I've been kicking around a few things. Well, good.

Imagine you've just come into the orphanage and you're surrounded by all

happy little faces.

And what do you say?

To whom it may concern, it has come to my

attention that tomorrow is Christmas.

Consequently, I bring items in conjunction with... Walter, I wonder if,

accountant, you might have a tendency to be able to... I know, I know.

Too formal?

Walter, I don't know that that much talk is expected of Santa.

I might just go with something more traditional, you know, like, ho, ho, ho,

boy, do I have gifts for you.

You have obviously worked with children.

Come on, Walter, you'll be fine. No, Doc, I don't even know if I brought the

right gifts. You can't go wrong with kids. They love gifts.

See what you got here.

Ground beef?

Go ahead, say it.

Should have bought pork.

Well, that's a close call, Walter.

Come on, what else have you got?

Tupperware.

Sure, I thought it goes with the beef.

You know, they'll use it to mix up some Swedish meatballs or... The

gifts are wrong.

Doc, I want to give these kids something that's going to make them happy, but I

don't know what to bring.

Walter, I'm going to throw out something kind of crazy now.

Toys.

Toys?

Toys!

Doc, that is so crazy.

That just might work.

You guys can't fool me.

You're going to get my present.

Nonsense, Ben. We're going to the blacksmith.

Carol needs new shoes.

Actually, we're going to return all of Mike's gifts.

You take his Porsche. What?

particular folk hero.

I wouldn't say that too loudly.

Bye, guys. All right, bye -bye. Bye. Have fun.

See you later.

My Carol, Carol, my.

Do you know what Christmas means to me? It means caring, sharing.

We're not telling you, Ben.

But I like your style.

talk to to get some hard facts around here.

Well, I'd look for a fat man in a red suit.

Mr. Bubba, is your father here?

No, he stepped out for a minute.

Would you like to come in and wait?

No, I can't wait.

Okay, I'll tell him you were here. Merry Christmas.

He sure looked unhappy.

Bye.

One dollar for the hiding place.

Ben, that's hardly the Christmas spirit.

Ten bucks.

Jingle bells, jingle bells.

I wasn't going to tell him.

Not for less than 20.

Who's up there?

Who do you think?

Get out of there, kid.

Look, I'm coming down. I don't want you to see this.

Well, if it's any easier for you, you can throw my present down.

Presents? Oh, okay.

I'll give you a present.

Raw meat?

You got a problem with that?

Well, it wasn't my first choice.

Christmas Eve.

stuff your face kind of holiday.

Come on, Ben, let's have some eggnog.

Mike, Carol, Sam's on the roof and look what he gave me.

Raw meat?

Ben, what are you talking about?

down your chimney.

Head first.

Oh, my God, he's going to commit suicide in our fireplace.

Okay, I'm going to call the cops.

No, no cops.

Okay, I didn't say cops.

I said, uh, mops.

Yeah, well, uh, no mops either.

Right, no mops.

Right, or cleaning supplies of any kind.

Even after he jumped?

I miss you both well.

Why don't you come down and have some eggnog?

I'm about to kill myself, you're offering me eggnog?

Well, it says here, festive for all occasions.

Okay,

Ben, your turn.

It's a child's dream come true.

Nice try, kid.

But I know the truth.

You hate me.

Everybody, everybody hates me.

That's why I can't go on living.

But you have to go on living.

Why?

Wait a second, I'll tell you.

study, Life Without Hope.

Mr. Bodewell?

Mr. Bodewell, are you there?

Yeah, sure. I didn't think you were finished reading.

Mr. Bodewell, please don't jump.

Here comes Santa Claus. Here comes Santa Claus. Right down our chimney.

What? Mr. Bodewell's on the roof and he's about... I have to jump down the

chimney.

Oh, my God.

Mr. Baldwin?

Walter? Don't come near me, Doc. I swear I'll die.

Okay, don't worry. I'll stay right here.

I just want to talk to you. I don't want to talk. I want to die.

Walter, your problems are temporary.

Death is permanent.

You jump and there's no second chance.

Walter, what are you doing?

I want to make sure I'm going to fit.

I'll be damned if I'm going to get stuck in there.

What happened this afternoon?

Kids at the orphanage hated me.

Well, I find that hard to believe, Walter.

And you played Santa to a bunch of eight -year -olds.

Could it be that you misinterpreted their response?

Oh, you tell me.

This Santa eats fruitcake.

That's right. A man on the roof threatening to jump down the chimney.

Well, he's a rather large man in a red suit with a white beard.

No, he doesn't have any reindeer.

Walter, I understand what you're going through. Things look bleak for you right

now, but you can't do this.

You're right.

Now with the jacket on, I'm never going to fit.

Walter, your life is too valuable. Don't come near me.

Let's face it, Doc.

My life is a big zero.

I wake up every day and I'm wondering why.

Divide the circumference by pi.

Why?

Why me?

Why was I chosen to be Walter Bodewell, the man whose destiny was to...

Damn, my batteries are dead.

Doc, would you please tell me one thing?

What, Walter?

What's 39 divided by 3 .1416?

Walter, I'm not going to help you with this.

Oh, well, fine.

Have it your way.

Walter.

Walter, you want to be happy.

You don't want to give up like this. Why shouldn't I, huh, Doc?

You tell me, why shouldn't I give up? I mean, if I can't make it as Santa Claus

with a bunch of eight -year -old orphans, how am I supposed to make it as

Bodewell? Well, you work at it, Walter. You chip away at each problem.

You speak from the heart.

Occasionally without a prepared statement.

And then when you listen back, you know, you start to sound just like everybody

else. You're human, Walter.

That means occasionally you're going to have some pain and sometimes you're

going to feel lonely.

But if you just keep reaching out, there's going to be somebody there to

you a hand.

Thanks, Doc.

Goodbye.

Walter!

Oh, that's it.

That's it. What's it? I see it now.

Yeah, this is a good idea, Walter. I'm going to kill myself, too.

That's it. You just have a problem, and you jump down the chimney, Walter. No,

you can't do that.

Why not, Walter? It's my chimney.

What are you talking about?

Walter, you think you're the only one with problems?

Well, I got a problem, too, Walter, because I got a big guy on my roof. I've

been counseling for four years, and he's threatening to kill himself.

Because I can't talk him out of it. I can't live without my conscience,

No, no!

Excuse me.

Do you mind if I go first? Doc, I'm not going to let you do this. You have a

wife. You have children.

Their Christmas is pretty much shot as it is.

You are crazy.

Don't try to stop me, Walter.

No, Doc, I can't let you do this!

Doc, quit whining. It's really pathetic.

It's not me.

Well, what is it?

So you bought a puppy for your kid for Christmas?

Mm -hmm.

He's been asking for one for years, so I guess he found it a little early.

Yeah.

What kind of puppy is it?

Brown!

What is he doing?

Look at my face!

Man, what are you? I used to have a dog.

I had a German Shepherd.

Was he a nice dog?

Oh, yeah.

He was the only guy who didn't get uncomfortable when he was around me.

I remember we used to have this great game we played together.

It was called... Ball.

You mean you'd throw the ball and he'd go fetch it?

That would have worked, too.

What happened to him?

He died.

17 years ago.

He was the last person I ever lived with.

Were you sad?

Yeah.

Did you cry?

Yes.

Are you still going to kill yourself then?

I don't know.

Well, if you don't kill yourself, you can... have my puppy.

Hello?

Mr. Bodewell?

Mom, what happened to him?

I don't know, honey.

Mr. Bodewell?

Dad?

Jason?

Jason?

Yes?

Dad?

Mr. Bodewell?

Jason, are you okay?

Yeah, I think we're okay. This is my puppy.

He's a nice one.

Merry Christmas.

Ho,

ho! Ho!

Oh, and now it's time for the opening of the Fever Family Christmas Eve present.

Yay!

I didn't buy any of these presents, so if you don't like your present, it's not

my fault.

Walter.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, ho, ho, ho.

Better, better.

Okay, this one's for Carol.

This one's for Mike.

Oh.

Dear Mike, this has been handed down in our family for three generations to each

man as he comes of age.

I think we better switch.

Wouldn't break family tradition.

Oh, thank you.

Oh,

thank you, thank you.

All right.

Improved cook of the year.

Does that mean you all want me to make Christmas dinner?

Sighting and romantic gift I've been waiting all day for? That's the one.

Ta -da!

Right here, let me show you how it works.

Oh.

Say hello.

Oh, Jason, they're beautiful.

Thank you, honey. Thank you. They look real, though.

Ben,

I'm so sorry.

There's no gift for you.

Do you want Nick back?

No, Walter.

He's yours.

Walter, why don't you check the bag? Maybe Santa left something for Ben.

No, it's empty.

Well, why don't you check it anyway? There might be something there.

Yeah. No, really, it's empty. See, we put the ground beef in the freezer.

Walter, check the bag.

Oh, okay.

Yes, I'll take them.

Oh, wow!

There is a present for Ben.

There is?

Wow, a puppy for me.

He looks just like Nick. Well, thank you, all of you, for everything.

Nick is beautiful.

So is my puppy. I think I'll name her Walter.

Not to say that I believe in Santa Claus, but in life, Walter, you'll find

pays to hedge your bets.