Original subtitles

Show me that smile again.

Don't waste another minute on your crying.

We're nowhere near the end.

The best is ready to begin.

As long as we got each other.

We got each other sharing the love too.

Come on, Dad. Stuart's not rabid. He's peppy.

Mike, animals that live off human toes are not peppy.

Well, this is great. I mean, I'm trying to do a good deed for a neighbor who's

out of town, and all you guys can do is complain.

How come you only do good deeds for neighbors who walk like this?

Then does the phrase, one good turn deserves another, mean anything to you?

Mike, does the phrase, get that dog out of here before I punt it through the

greenhouse, mean anything to you?

Hi, Carol.

Hi.

What's the matter, Carol?

I can't find the peanut butter.

When's Mom coming home?

Usual time.

Can I call her at work?

Of course you can, sweetheart, if it's important.

Yeah, is Maggie Seaver there, please?

Could you tell her to call Carol when she gets back? It's really important.

Okay.

Thanks. Bye.

Something you want to talk to me about?

I don't know.

Want me to leave you alone?

I don't know.

Do you want me to stick large, ripe vegetables in my ear and play the

Remember what we used to do when you were just a little girl and you had a

problem? I'd steer you over here.

Beep, beep.

Spin you around.

I'm on a counter like that.

So that we could have a little face -to -face chat.

Yeah. Doesn't work anymore.

Come on.

Talk to me.

Today was the last day of the German club gummy bear sale.

I asked Joel Chance to get Kevin to notice me before the dance tomorrow

and Kevin's friend Mark was coming up to get a gummy, and Melissa said she heard

Mark said he said... Wait, wait, but who said?

Kevin said.

Said what?

What's that?

Said I look like a gummy bear.

Well, honey, I'm sure he meant it in a nice way.

Oh, come off it, Dad. I mean, the boy thinks I look like a bear.

Just ugly.

You do not look like a bear.

But if you walk around thinking that you look ugly, then you're going to end up

looking like this.

Can you see yourself?

Now, if you walk around knowing you're pretty, because you are, then you're

going to feel better. You're going to look like this.

What do you think?

I think it's more important what Kevin thinks.

Okay. But did you actually hear Kevin say that he thought you looked like a

gummy bear?

No, but Melissa said she heard he said it.

Well, since when did you believe everything Melissa says she heard?

Well, she does make you wonder sometimes. I mean, she swore she saw

at JCPenney's last week.

Well, they did have that big sale in home furnishings.

Yeah.

Come on, I just think that you should take your cues about what Kevin thinks

from what Kevin says himself.

Yeah, you're right.

I need new ice skates.

Did I miss something?

Well, everybody's going to be at the skating rink tomorrow night and I can...

Get by Kevin and see if he says anything to me.

Tomorrow morning, you and I go down to Macy's and we buy you a brand new pair

skates. Who knows, maybe we'll even run into Tina Turner in small appliances.

Yeah. Hi, sweetheart.

Where's Carol? I got a message that she wanted to talk to me. She's over at

Lori's. How was your day?

Oh, another last -minute rewrite. I've never typed so fast in my life. My

fingers are still wiggling. Oh, don't be wasting those wiggling fingers. Here,

try them right here below the shoulder blade. Oh, Jesus.

Perfect. Thank you.

So what did Carol want to talk about? Jim said she sounded very upset.

Yes, well, it seems she has reason to believe that Kevin thought that she

like a gummy bear.

Kevin? Mm -hmm. The one in the German club? My dear, the chancellor of the

German club.

Oh, no, she's had a crush on him since... Yes, since the Oktoberfest

party. Well,

I'll talk to her when she gets home. Well, she's fine now. She is? Yeah, we

talked it over, figured it out.

You did?

I did.

Well,

honey, you don't have to say that just so I won't feel guilty.

I'm not, Maggie. No, we talked the whole thing over, through and through, inside

and out.

We cried, we laughed, we hugged, we closed with a song like...

That's good, Jason, but if you don't mind, I think I'll talk to her just the

same. She's fine, Maggie.

Honey, she always says she's fine. Now, when's she coming home?

You don't think I can hold up my end of the bargain, do you?

Oh, Jason, what bargain?

Come on, the bargain where you go back to work and I stay here and take care of

the kids.

Oh, Jason. No, you don't think that I can handle it, do you? Jason, it's not

that I don't think that you can handle it. No, no, no, even though I happen to

be a highly skilled professional counselor. Oh, Jason. Who once talked a

down from the rim of a shark tank. Uh -huh. No, no, I mean, because I was the

guy who predicted two weeks before the police caught Son of Sam that he would

turn out to be an ugly mailman from New Rochelle who talked to his neighbor.

neighbor's dog, huh?

Jason, it's not that I don't think that you're a wonderful psychiatrist.

What? You're just not a mother.

Well, it's fine with me because this girdle is killing me.

Ben, where's Mom and Dad?

Hey, Mike, what are you hiding from us?

Me? Hide something from my beloved mother and father? Oh, no.

Not another one.

Will it bite me? What's the matter, Ben? Don't you recognize your old pal,

Stuart? Mike, Stuart is black.

So? This dog is white. So?

So I think that's a noticeable difference.

Come on, Ben. You gotta help me. Stuart ran away.

Wendy's going to kill you. Not if she doesn't find out.

Mike, even one of your girlfriends has a shot at remembering the color of her

own dog.

I'll take care of one. You just make sure Mom and Dad don't find out.

Hi, guys.

What dog?

Who said anything about a dog?

Not me.

Hi, Mom. Hi, sweetheart.

How are you?

Fine. Oh, great. Just in time for my show.

I got your message, and I would have called you back, but I was out of the

office all day.

Oh, that's okay, Mom.

Oh, look at this guy.

What is it?

Dirt in the pit tree.

Why is the butler on all fours?

All the family dogs died and they didn't have the heart to tell Grandma.

Oh.

So, honey, you want to talk about what happened at school today?

Carol? Uh -huh, Mom, what'd you say?

Well, you must be really upset about what Kevin said.

Oh, good, a commercial.

So, let's talk.

What's with this Kevin, anyway?

Oh, I already talked the whole thing through his desk.

I know that, but I thought maybe a woman -to -woman talk.

No, really, Mom, I'm fine.

You are?

You're sure?

Honey, you don't have to say that just so that I won't feel guilty. No, I swear

it's okay, Mom. You know, I thought I wasn't going to like it when you went

to work, but it's really... Kind of neat having Dad in the room now.

It's great.

Hey,

those wacky sturgeons on yet?

Oh, come on, Dad. It's in the middle.

Yeah, okay.

Can you move over a little, Mom? Oh, thanks. Yeah.

You're going to love this.

Oh.

Come on in.

How you doing?

Fine. How was your vacation?

Oh, it was great.

First we went to Europe, and then we went to France.

Good. Well, you must have quite a travel agent.

Mike, Wendy's here.

I hope Stuart wasn't too much trouble for you.

Stuart, no, no, no, no. Once we started feeding him the neighbor's children, we

hardly knew he was here.

Hey, Wendy.

Just look how glad he is to see you, Wendy.

That does look like Stuart, doesn't it? Same color and everything.

Uh, yes. Well, Wendy, why don't I take you and Stuart home? Come on, Stuart.

Come on. Yeah, that's a good dog. Yeah.

Just look at him, Wendy. I mean, he was so excited about you coming home last

night that he didn't sleep a wink.

And now, of course, he's exhausted.

Oh.

Ben? Yetta?

What did Mike do to Stuart?

Too sad?

Yeah, Ben.

Mike didn't do anything to Stuart, but... Hi, sweetheart.

Hello. Where's Carol?

I don't know.

Are we going on vacation here?

No, no. I just thought I'd take Carol into the city for the day.

You know, taking a couple of art galleries, run up to Tavern on the Green

lunch, and then maybe pop over to the Bronx Zoo. Yeah.

I know Carol's been dying to see that albino hyena on loan from Detroit.

Those things come from Detroit?

Anyway, I thought if we had time... Listen, sweetheart, does Carol know

all this? No.

Why?

Well, Carol and I were planning to go shopping together today for a new pair

skates.

Oh.

I think it's important to her because, well, you know, Kevin and the other kids

are all going skating this afternoon.

Ah. Yes, and you know the big dance is tonight.

No. Oh, yes.

Uh -huh. No, I didn't realize that.

Mm -hmm.

But then that's more your area now.

Well, honey, you two have a good time.

Maggie, you want to come with us? Oh, no, I'd just be in the way.

No, no, don't be ridiculous.

No. Oh, no, I can have fun here, really.

I'll just do the laundry, maybe clean a few toilets.

Does it bother you that Carol and I have plans together?

No, no.

I think it's great.

I mean, sure, she didn't have time to talk to me last night, and she doesn't

have time to be with me today, but I love seeing the two of you together.

You're her father.

She's your daughter.

You're father and daughter. You should do things together. Father and daughter

things. I'm very happy for you.

Maggie. What?

You know, when Carol came home from school yesterday all upset, she really

wanted to talk to you.

Oh, yes. It was like pulling teeth to get her to open up to old Dad.

Yeah?

She still needs her mother, you know.

Sometimes I don't feel like it.

Oh, she does.

And you still wear the girdle in the family.

I'm very nice to her.

So you're saying that I'm overreacting a bit.

No. No, I'm saying you're overreacting a lot.

Dad, I'm telling you, it's just a phase that Stuart's going through.

People change. Dogs change.

Look, did you ever read passages?

Wendy, how's it going?

What are you doing, little fella?

Mike, this isn't Stuart.

Wendy, Wendy, Wendy.

What would it be if it's not Stuart?

I don't know, Mike, but this dog changes colors when he gets wet.

Stuart would never do that.

You know, there's an article about this in the paper. They're saying pets are

changing colors left and right now. It's that acid rain.

Mike, look.

There's a schnauzer in Cincinnati that turned purple.

It's perfectly normal. I have the article upstairs, and I'll go get it.

Mike, stop.

Sit.

Now, what did you do to Stuart?

I lost him.

I looked everywhere, but I couldn't find him.

Wendy, I would have told you the truth, but then I asked myself, what is truth?

Is it honesty, or is it pain and grieving?

Or is it the smile on a beautiful girl's face?

I guess you know what I think the truth is.

You took a white dog and you dyed him black.

Hey, when somebody leaves a black dog with Mike Seaver, they get a black dog

back.

Look, Wendy, I'm really sorry about all of this. I know how much you must have

loved Stuart.

Are you kidding?

Who could love Stuart?

What? My family went on vacation to get away from Stuart.

What?

But I love this dog.

He's so sweet.

I think I'll name him Mikey.

No. Take that.

Mikey Poo.

Did you hear that, Dad? She's going to name it Mikey Poo.

I'll see you tonight.

Bye.

Okay, bye.

Well, I learned my lesson, Dad. I'll never do that again.

No, you won't, Mike.

Because you're grounded for the rest of your life. Dad, you...

And a month after that.

What's with Mike?

I just grounded him for life.

Again?

Honey,

what's wrong?

Dad, you're not going to believe what Melissa told me.

What? Melissa told me, Mark told Kevin, that I sweat

a lot.

Well, sweetheart, didn't we decide yesterday that Melissa's really not that

reliable a source? Yeah, but I mean, everything's different now, Dad. I mean,

the whole thing is blown wide open.

You see, Melissa said that she... Wait, you know, this would be a good one to

run by the old pro here.

Okay.

But then I talked to Mark, and he said he never even said that. Or the gummy

bear thing, either.

Mark, Mark.

But then, Tassie tells me that she was right.

told Kevin that I do sweat a lot. I mean, Mark is what happened yesterday.

this has nothing to do with what happened yesterday.

The point is, I don't know whether I trust Melissa or Mark because Kathy

Wait, wait, wait, sweetheart.

Now, you said that Kathy also had a thing for Kevin.

Yeah, so?

Well, that doesn't make Kathy a very reliable source either. Hmm?

Maggie, wait.

Dad, it's just not fair.

Honey, look, if Kevin is really worth caring for, then he's going to make up

own mind.

Yeah,

well, I guess he already has.

Because he didn't ask me to the dance.

Meg, you don't be mad.

Meryl's just upset.

She didn't mean to exclude you. I am not mad.

I am just tired of people taking things out of the cabinets and not putting them

back where they belong.

Well, what are you looking for? I don't know.

Well, on the off chance that it's the mango chutney, we finished it in 1982.

I know what you're feeling. You do not have any idea what I am feeling, Dr.

Smith. Hey, look, I... No, you may know what Kevin, Mark, and Melissa are

feeling, but you do not know what I am feeling.

Maggie, I tried to include you. Oh, don't patronize me, Jason.

Throwing me a bone, calling me an old pro.

Maybe in a few years you can bring me back for old -timer's day.

We talked about all of this. I just happened to be the guy who was here the

the whole gummy bear thing exploded in our faces.

It's not just the gummy bears, Jason. It's the whole past three months.

Oh. The way you've been pampering the children.

What? Making Ben's favorite chocolate chip cookies.

What's wrong with that?

What's wrong with that? What's wrong with that is you're edging me out of my

children's lives.

Edging you out? Is that what you think?

I don't know. You're the expert. Why don't you tell me what I think?

Okay.

I think you feel guilty about going back to work.

Of course I do.

And I think you want me to be here to spend time with the kids. Of course I

And I think you want me to be good at it. Of course I do.

But you don't want me to be as good as you are. Of course I do.

Oh.

Well, maybe I don't.

You know, Maggie, I was at work when Ben took his first step.

And when Carol spoke her first sentence.

And when Mike committed his first illegal act.

I messed up.

On all that.

And now I have the chance to be closer to the kids.

Spend more time.

And you begrudge that?

Oh, Jason, I don't really... No, maybe you do. I know that feeling, too.

Because it's time that goes.

And it never comes back.

They grow up.

And it hurts.

Yeah.

It hurts.

Are you sorry you went back to work?

You want to come home?

No, I don't.

I guess... I guess I just want to have it all.

But you can't.

How's Carol?

Well, she's not going to the dance with Kevin. Oh, no, that's too bad.

Yeah. But she does have a chance at another date that she was pretty excited

about. Really? Oh, yeah. Really? Who is? I don't know exactly, but she said

something about an albino hyena.

From Detroit.

Yeah, well, not originally, no.

Why is the butler lying on his back?

She's playing dead.

Why is grandma lying on her back?

She is dead.

All the wacky sturgeons.