Original subtitles

George, look at us. We're the neighborhood watch, and you've got us

criminals. Safety video said we're supposed to wear our reflector vests.

we have the element of surprise.

97 % of all arrests are made by undercover cops.

Okay, the vest was too small. My head didn't fit through the neck hole.

We can't make arrests anyway. We're not even armed.

I don't need to be armed. My body is my weapon. Watch out.

I don't want to hear about your two weeks of judo at the Y again.

You don't think I know what I'm doing?

Grab my shirt.

I'm not going to grab your shirt.

Go ahead. Grab it. What are you afraid of, punk?

Fine.

Not at the bottom.

Grab the shirt at the bottom. Grab it like you want to kill me.

That I can do.

You're still not getting it. Here, let me show you.

It's not what you think, officer. I'm just teaching her a lesson.

Put your hands in the air.

Now wave them like you just don't care.

Sanchez!

Last night, I made a homeless guy do the robot.

What are you two doing out here?

Neighborhood watch patrol.

Well, you shouldn't be dressed in dark clothes.

Didn't you see the video?

I tried to tell her, but you know women, black is slimming.

Someday your vanity's gonna get us both killed.

Next time, we're the best.

One of your neighbors called saying there was some suspicious -looking

walking around in hoodies.

Why would someone report us? Everyone in the neighborhood knows who we are.

It's Mr. Sorkin, the new guy who just moved in over there.

All units, we have a 647, a naked woman on foot chasing a truck at the corner of

Riverside and Pass.

Angie, where's my mom?

I just talked to her. She's at the house.

Lucky it's not my mom naked. You see a lot of nasty stuff out here, but there's

no training for that.

Mr. Sorkin, we should go over there and introduce ourselves.

Angie, I hate meeting new people. I didn't want to meet our kids after they

born. You tried when they were born. Because I wasted three Sundays on

and they still shut you up like a junkie.

Should I help you?

Hi, I'm Angie Lopez, and this is my husband, George.

We're the neighborhood watch captains. Oh, thank God.

Chester Sorkin, nice to meet you.

I saw you two in those sweatshirts and the dark clothes.

I thought you were casing houses.

Casing houses?

Not tonight, we're just stripping cars.

What year is this, 2004?

I don't know you.

My husband wanted us to go undercover.

Oh, I'm glad you told me that.

I could have done something stupid, mistaking you people for the bad ones.

Did you hear that, Angie? You people, the bad ones?

George, don't overreact.

Overreact? He saw two Latino people walking down the street, and he called

cops racist. Okay, I hate him.

You're reading too much into this.

Am I?

Let's get another opinion.

Why don't we wake up the statue of the sleeping Mexican and ask him?

Okay, that's a little offensive.

Not a racist. I told you. Hey.

You're lucky you're married to one of the smart ones.

Let's just go home and we'll figure something out. Angie, I am not putting

with this. And my mom's going to be mad, too. That thing looks just like her.

Yeah, it's got a sombrero on. Not the sleeping Mexican, the garden gnome.

You put my mom in a pointy hat, let her beard grow, they could be twins.

Jordan just got home. Did you see how dirty his car is? He probably drives all

the way to Utah so white people can wash it.

Well, I'm not having any luck here. I've looked through every city ordinance

they've ever passed, and there is nothing about keeping a racially

statue on your lawn.

Although, we can still keep chickens in our carriage house.

George, I'm ready, man. Let's go do this.

Do what?

Listen, you keep looking on the computer.

We're going to go over and ask him very nicely to take the statue down.

Why are you taking Ernie with you?

Because he's very articulate.

Hey, he was on the debate team in high school, remember? He was the timekeeper.

Yeah, but he was very good at it. Ernie?

Time!

You're going over there to threaten Sorkin and Ernie is your backup?

What's he going to do, stand there and scream like a girl while you get hit?

If that's what it takes, eh?

Look, Angie, guys like this don't care about ordinances. You saw the statue?

He might as well have a neon sign on his lawn that says all Mexicans are lazy

and dumb.

Do you think he knows I'm a specialist?

Max, this has nothing to do with being Mexican.

That's because your mom read to you every night. Now books make you sleepy.

Everyone, just stop. You can't go over there and get in this guy's face.

What if he's crazy? What if he has a gun?

She's right.

That's why we need some lumber.

You know what they call this in the hands of a judo master?

The last thing he touches before he dies?

What the hell's going on?

A racist just moved in down the block.

He's a white guy that has a statue of a sleeping Mexican on his lawn.

That is just... like white people, you know, to take a whole group and say

they're all the same.

Come on, Ernie.

I am not letting you out of this house with that bat.

Yeah? How you gonna stop me?

Okay, I dare you to give it back to me. Try it again. I wasn't ready.

You're just gonna get hurt. You've got the reflexes of a drunk grandma.

with this kind of stuff right away, it spreads.

I think Dad's right.

There's even racism in my school.

I'm pretty sure I'm getting a D in math because my teacher hates Latinos.

Max, 50 % of your class is Latino.

No way.

There are like 30 kids and only 15 are Latino. Oh, God.

You're not helping the cause.

I want you to go up to your room and don't come back down for 50 % of an

You know we're going to have to go up there and get him, right?

Look, I'm going to write Mr. Sorkin a strongly worded letter outlining why we

think his statue is offensive and ask him to respect our feelings and remove

And I'm going to put it directly into his mailbox.

I bet if that was a statue of a Cuban wasting everybody's time by writing a

letter you'd think is offensive.

is mightier than the sword.

Yeah? That's why in Scarface, at the end of the movie, he walks in and says, Say

hello to my little friend!

George, I just finished the letter, and I put it on official stationery.

N .W .A.

Ice Cube and Dr. Dre's old group?

You're sending this to a racist?

That NWA?

The Neighborhood Watch Association.

Okay, Angie, but look, I think the letter should scare him a little. I

white out the little crime dog and sign it, Wu -Tang Clan!

Oh,

Sorkin, what do you want?

I was wondering if you knew anything about this.

It's called a sombrero.

Anything else you need to know is on Telemundo. Thank you for stopping by.

un bueno dia.

Somebody smashed my statue last night, and I think I know who it was.

Well, it wasn't a Mexican, because we were up all night drinking tequila, and

after the cockfight, we all fell asleep in the yard under our hats. Goodbye.

No.

Don't jerk me around, Lopez.

You smashed my statue. Look, man, I didn't do it.

Oh, come on. You were at my house last night. I know you saw it. That doesn't

mean anything. Maybe the statue woke up.

realized it was a racist lawn ornament and smashed itself.

Everyone, everyone calm down.

It's not racist.

It's a piece of art. I paid 50 bucks for that. And you know what?

It was made by Mexicans in Mexico.

Dude, it's not 1950.

Okay, you live in a neighborhood that's half Mexican -American. How would you

feel if I had a statue of a white guy in my lawn accusing people of crimes they

didn't commit? He'd be like that.

You know what?

I don't care whether you like my statue or not. You don't have the right to

smash it. And that's what I told the cops.

Hey, I didn't smash it. Yes, you did.

You.

That's the point.

Take a picture. We'll send it down to Mexico. We'll get a Mickey statue like

that.

Mr. Sorkin, my husband and I are both hardworking, honest people who would

never, ever destroy someone else's property.

We don't believe... even violent.

And we have nothing to hide from the police.

Good day.

You idiot!

Now we have to hide from the police.

Angie, I told you I didn't do it. Why would I lie to you?

I don't know. Why did my neck turn green from that gold necklace you bought me?

It's Peruvian gold in Peru. A green neck is a sign of royalty.

I'm the Prince of Cochina. Come over here. George, just stop lying.

I know you broke the statue.

Oh, he didn't break it.

How do you know? Because I did.

You see?

You didn't happen to get a picture of yourself with that garden on, did you?

Benny, what were you thinking?

You're on probation.

You know, I have taken crap from people like that my whole life.

They think Mexicans are all lazy or they're criminals.

In eighth grade, my teacher had her wallet stolen, and my locker was the

one they searched.

Please tell me they didn't find it in there.

Hell no. All they found was a bottle of scotch, which I paid for myself with my

babysitting money.

What if someone saw you? Nobody saw me.

You're the neighborhood watch, and I had to tell you that I did it.

Do I want to hear this?

Or should I leave now so I can pass the lie detector test later?

No, you can stay.

If it has test in the name, you're probably not going to pass it anyway.

Max, your grandmother did something very wrong. She went across the street and

broke Mr. Sorkin's statue.

Well, hold on, Angie. It's not that simple. Yes, it is. She broke the law.

Max,

your grandma stood up for something she believed in.

Was it a crime for Rosa Parks to sit where she wanted on the bus?

Was it a crime for Cesar Chavez to protest in the fields?

Was it a crime for President Nixon to sneak in the hotel and watch Deep

George.

That's not what happened.

I'm pretty sure it was Nixon at the Watercress Motel. George.

You're making this all sound like your mom did a good thing. It was vandalism.

No, it wasn't, Angie. Look, I've seen my mom smash a lot of things.

Piggy banks, car windows, my hopes and dreams.

But this time, it was for justice. Mom, I've never said this before, but I'm

proud of you.

Viva la raza!

Weren't you afraid you'd get busted, Grandma?

Hell no!

Because she was taking care of business, Mac.

Now Sorkin knows we're not going to take it, and he's never going to mess with

us again.

Who's messing with you?

A guy on the street put up a racist statue, and Grandma took it out.

It wasn't a Mexican sleeping in a sombrero, was it?

Yeah, why, you saw it? Just a minute ago.

He's putting two of them up now.

One on either side of the burro.

Well, now there's a burro.

One more nighttime raid, and I bet we get the bandito.

This just proves he's a racist.

And he needs to learn another lesson. No.

Benny already got lucky once. And if you go, I swear, by all that is holy, we

will have a fight that will make every fight we've ever had seem like a little

chat over tea.

She'll get over it.

I say when she goes to sleep, grab a couple of baseball bats and head over

there. This guy's not going to win. I'm coming with you.

Look, I appreciate it, Vic, but this isn't your fight. Oh, I understand.

Just know that I share your pain.

The Cuban people and the Mexican people have always stood side by side.

When?

Well, I guess at your wedding.

That's the only time I can think of.

Let this be a lesson to you, Max.

There are certain things a Lopez man has to do no matter what anyone else says.

Then why don't you tell Mom?

Because there are other things a low -pass man likes to do and wants to keep

doing them.

Mama, wake up.

What the hell took you so long?

I was giving Angie a back rub to put her to sleep, and she started talking to me

about her day, and the next thing I know, I was out.

You made me wait so long that I dozed off, too.

George, we had a job to do and we fell asleep.

We're sleeping Mexicans.

No, we're not.

See, this is what racism does.

It makes you feel guilty about sleeping. Everybody sleeps at night.

Hey.

What are you doing outside? You're supposed to be in bed.

Dad, I've got to show you something. It's so cool.

Sanchez, come on in. Hey, George.

Is your son home?

Yeah, he's upstairs. Why?

Well, I saw him running down the street.

Then I drove Pat's organs out.

Somebody smashed all the statues.

I think it was Max.

Give me a second.

Can you do me a favor and let me handle this? I'll make sure that Max pays for

the statues.

Look, George, you're my friend, so I'm not going to turn him in.

But next time, I might have to.

It's not going to be a next time. I appreciate it, Hector.

All right, you got it.

And don't worry about Sorkin.

Apparently, your wife circulated a pretty strongly worded letter that she

to him, and it got the entire neighborhood fired up enough to start a

It's amazing how effective a letter can be.

You know, that was my idea. You know, the pen is mightier than the source.

Officer Sanchez?

If you're here to get my uncle's blessing to ask me out, do not bother.

ask.

I thought you were dating a fireman. What is this, your salute to America's

heroes?

Uncle George, you're so funny. Now be quiet.

free Saturday.

Do you want to go dancing?

I always feel like people are judging me.

Let's just get a movie.

See you, George. See you.

Oh,

you're up late.

Well, Max, dude, something really stupid and it's my fault for setting a bad

example for him. Oh, really? I saw K -Pad getting thrown at a sky bar.

Yeah, well...

I guess we both have important things to think about.

Relax. Officer Sanchez is gone.

What did he say?

Max, he saw you running. He knows you broke the statues.

Am I in trouble?

No, he's going to let it go.

Yes! We got Sorkin!

Max, we didn't get anyone.

When I saw you in that video...

You look like a little thug, man. That's not what I want for you.

But you said there are things a Lopez man has to do.

And you didn't care when Grandma did it.

Look, have a seat.

I got caught up in the moment. I was wrong.

Max, I don't want you doing anything that Grandma does.

Smoking, drinking, identity theft.

She stole someone's identity?

Call her Joey Esparza and see if she turns around.

But you were proud of her.

Is that why you did this?

Because you thought I'd be proud of you?

Look, I'm always going to be proud of you.

You said I wasn't helping the cause.

Max, you want to know how you help the cause?

You get an education.

You be successful so you can buy and sell fools like Sorkin. Hey, that's how

really change things.

Wait a minute.

You can't really buy people, can you?

Like I said, Max, get an education.