Original subtitles

One, two, three, nine.

All right, all right, all right. We got the chords now. Let's just work on the

moves, all right? Just like in high school, man, all right? All right, watch

out, watch out, watch out.

Strut, strut.

Lizard, lizard.

Pose,

watch out.

First, it's lizard, lizard up here on the neck like that.

Then it's like that, like that.

You got to use the neck like that.

Then split.

Rock and roll.

See, like that.

That's why we did the pose, man.

But you know what would be cool? Is at the end, we did a little kick like David

Lee Rod, like that.

Damn straight. I pulled my leg. It's burning. Okay.

Guitars and ice packs.

You guys are getting the band back together.

I'll call everyone who used to watch you play.

Oh, wait. I'm already here.

Okay, we won't need you tonight because our old drummer, Johnny Vamos, has a

band, and tonight we're going to jam with them at... The Viper Room.

vamos and dos badasses?

Before I met you, it was tres badasses.

But Johnny and I had creative differences.

I was creative, so he was different.

That's why they called him Johnny Vamos, because it'd be like that. Johnny,

vamos.

Yeah. Johnny's doing pretty good, though. He's making a living out of

music. Yeah, I wish I had his life.

I thought you wanted my life.

I just settled for wanting yours.

Well, you won't be saying that after tonight.

Because when Johnny brings us up to jam, I'm going to rock him off the stage.

I'm going to be like that.

I'm going to be slow like that, tender like that.

And a tear is going to fall on him. I'm going to pick it back up like that.

I'm going to pose like that.

I want to see you guys play.

Can I come? Yeah, sure. Why not? Really? Yeah, in seven years when you're old

enough.

You know, I just hope when I'm your age, I'm not still trying to act like I'm in

high school.

Hey, when you're my age, you'll still be in high school.

But you won't be living here because, okay, when you're 18, you're out.

And that's this man here, right here, Latin.

Can you stop making jokes about kicking him out of the house? They hurt his

feelings. No, they don't, Angie. He's a Lopez.

He's like me. He's tough. Nothing bothers him.

Really? Well, I guess it doesn't bother you that the drummer from your high

school band is now a professional musician doing what you always dreamed

I guess it doesn't bother you that some of your cheerleader friends from high

school married rich doctors who like to communicate and cuddle.

How was the show?

Terrible.

Johnny totally blew us off.

Mike got me so that I could sing with him.

Orale, act so gross.

He wasn't pointing it at you, man. He was swinging it at your head from the

bottom.

My guitar.

Max.

The strap fell off. I just wanted to play it a little. You know you're not

supposed to touch my guitar.

Now there's a scratch on it. George, calm down. It's not even an expensive

guitar. Angie, are you crazy? This is the vintage Les Paul.

collector's item.

Only a hundred were made before they raided the factory and freed the

Stay away from my stuff. And remember, everything in this house is my stuff.

Mom! It's okay. Don't talk to her. She's my stuff, too.

You want to be dropped and scratched?

I'm protecting you.

You know what?

I'll just go up to my room and stay in there until I'm 18.

Then I'll move out, and you'll get what you always wanted.

Did you hear that?

Now do you believe that when you joke about kicking him out of the house, he

takes it seriously?

I don't want to talk about Max.

He dropped Selma.

I can't keep pushing him away. He'll be

out of the house before you know it, and you're going to miss him.

Angie, I'm not all sentimental like you.

Really?

Remember when he was a baby and his first word was dada?

Oh, no.

I know what you're trying to do and it's not going to work.

How about when he was four and he would take a nap on your chest while you were

watching the Raiders game?

They never lost while he was on me.

Then there was that Halloween when he was eight. We asked what superhero he

wanted to be and he said, my dad.

I missed him already.

Where did my little boy go?

hurt you to be more careful with Max's feelings.

Actually, you could be more sensitive with everyone.

Okay. You're right.

I'm going to be more sensitive. Starting now, I'm going to be sensitive. Watch

out. I can change like that. Look it.

Insensitive.

Sensitive. Even the snaps were different. Oh, yeah.

Hey, I'm out of here, man.

I've been over to pick up a pretzel off the floor and my pants split open.

Yeah, well, if your pants start ripping open, maybe you should start eating

vegetables off the floor.

Sorry, I didn't realize I still had one left in the chamber.

Are you wearing a thong?

I didn't want crease lines in the leather.

I'm trying to be sensitive and you're wearing a thong. Put it in reverse and

back the hell out of here.

I want to see your backstreet boys.

Oh, my keys.

to defrost.

I got you a surprise.

For what?

Well, you know, you've been doing a lot better in school.

I just got a DMI geometry test. I need you to sign it.

Okay, uh, you went to the dentist? No cavities, right?

Three.

Did you tie your own shoes?

No slip -ons. Okay, good job picking out shoes you can handle.

I got you a guitar.

No way!

Oh, awesome!

And I got you an F, too. And I'm going to teach you how to play.

Put your finger like that. You be like that. You be like that. You be like

Sweet.

Oh, this will be fun.

We can all play together.

You know, when I was a little girl, Daddy used to have his friends over to

practice the congas, and I played a mean tambourine.

I can also sing.

Chitty boom, chitty boom.

Tambourine, a chitty boom, chitty boom.

Yeah, I know, but I can't. Crank it up, man!

What the hell is that?

It's bags.

I bought him a guitar last week.

Jeez, just hearing that noise brings back the headaches from when you used to

play.

You woke up every morning on the bathroom floor sweating tequila and

toilet.

Those headaches didn't come from my guitar.

Wow.

He's already better than you ever were.

I taught him that. I'm actually spending time with my son doing something we

both enjoy. You wouldn't know nothing about that.

Cut the crap, George. I played with you when you were a little kid.

Oh, yeah. Those were fun games, Mom.

Shots and ladders.

favorite, your version of Clue.

It's Colonel Mustard in the bedroom with my mom.

Those are the cords we were working on last night. We were like that.

What's that?

Hey, Dad.

These are my friends from school. They asked me to join their band.

That's awesome, dude. You've only been playing a week. They said I could learn

while we practiced.

There's a battle of the bands coming up.

Back in the day, I wasn't one of those. After our song, we set our instruments

on fire. The crowd went wild. We won the first round.

What about the second round?

What second round? We set our instruments on fire.

We're the reason the curtains in your auditorium are flame -returning.

Dude, Max, we gotta practice.

Yeah, hey, before you guys get started, why don't I show you a trick or two?

Um, Nicky's really good, Dad. I don't think we need any help. Max, it's okay.

was playing guitar before Nicky was born. Watch out.

Yeah, technically okay, but no emotion.

Nope.

Dad, we really have to practice.

Okay, sure. We'll jam later.

That's awesome, Nicky. You've got to teach me that.

Hey. When he can play that with a flaming curtain falling down on his

I'll be impressed.

So, how about you?

You have had 25 years to learn how to be a cool teenager, and you

still can't do it.

That Nicky kid may know some flashy tricks, but Max and I are having a good

time, and I'm going to be the one to teach him how to play the guitar.

Hey, Dad, I didn't want to say it in there, but Nicky thinks I should only

with him now because then I won't pick up any floppy habits.

You understand, right?

Yeah, of course. That's a good idea.

You go back in there, man, and you rock with Nicky. Hey, I'm totally cool with

that. Huh? I'm cool.

I used to be a superhero.

Check, check.

At the end of the meal, you pay the check, check.

Is that a monster under your bed? You better check, check.

If you find a lump on your webbles, you better check, check.

What are you doing?

Testing the PA system I got from Max and the band.

Look, I know you're upset that Max didn't want to play guitar with you, but

maybe you should give him some space.

Now you want me to back off? You told me to get more involved. Make up your

mind, woman.

You can't play the piano with both hands at once.

That is how you play the piano.

Not in rock and roll. You play with one hand, and with the other hand, you point

out which groupies you want to come backstage.

No, no, no. That's a dude.

Yes.

I'm flattered. And it's great that you got Max a guitar, but now he's in... a

band. He's got friends.

I think you should let him come to you now.

Listen, this is the first thing that we've ever enjoyed doing together. I'm

just gonna let it go.

What's this?

I got you guys the one thing you don't have.

A PA system.

Oh, no way.

Of course you're gonna need somebody to run the board. You know, somebody who

understands high -end feedback, también reverbs, nouns, like that.

Well, maybe you can be our sound guy, Dad.

Yes. Okay, Angie, Sasuke, you gotta go.

The band and I got a lot to cover. También.

Okay, why don't you guys run through your Battle of the Bands set, and I'll

check your levels.

Alright.

One, two, three.

Dad,

we like this song.

Okay, you know what? You guys, you're lucky I'm here, okay?

Let's start from the beginning. What's the name of the band?

Suspicious Package. Okay, La Suspicious Package!

Why don't you guys just call yourselves The Losers?

Actually, that might work.

Replace the S with a backwards V.

Isn't a backward Z just an N?

Isn't a Z just an N on its side? We can do this all day.

What's this?

This is Laura, Annie, Marnie, and Jackie. They came to watch us practice.

No, no chicks.

Just the core guys.

Dad, Grandma Benny just came out of the house in a bikini.

Damn it! Who told her there were high school boys here?

Hey, cover yourself!

It's not out here!

What are you doing in there?

No chicks?

Trust me.

Chicks ruin bands.

One minute they happen to hear you play, the next minute they're changing

everything. Telling you what to wear, what to play, bossing you around.

That's what you're doing, Dad.

You're the chick ruining our band.

What are you talking about? We're doing this together, man. You need me.

No, we don't need you. We just need a place to practice.

But you're embarrassing me, so we'll find someplace else.

That's got you.

And I'm keeping the fog machine.

And I'm taking back the band's name. That's right. I'm the only loser here.

It's a backwards Z. You don't get it. It's cool.

Oh, we get it. You're a loser.

Who are your parents? Because, okay, they didn't raise you right.

What's with all the smoke?

Did a little girl from Kansas throw water on your mother?

No, it's a fog machine I got for Max and the band.

Yeah, and you told me you were teaching him to play guitar, no?

When my son was 13, I bought him a camera and we took a photography class.

Two weeks later, he was selling naked pictures of our maid.

it didn't work out for me and Max either. As soon as he got in that band,

dropped me.

Well, Max is at a difficult age, you know.

He wants to be with you and he wants to be his own man.

It's the push -pull of a teenager.

Well, I reached out to him and all I got was a handful of rejection.

And you know what really sucks, Vic?

That's a great title for a song and I got nobody to share it with.

Well, George, if it cheers you up,

A handful of rejections sounds more like a trans -techno thing, and that's not

your bag, daddy.

George, I need to talk to you about Max.

Don't worry. I'm going to give him his space.

The guy kicked him out of the band.

What happened?

Well, they only wanted him so they could have a place to practice.

He really needs you right now.

Look, I tried to bond with him, and he pushed me away.

What, so now he got his feelings hurt, and what am I supposed to do, go running

to him? Why would I do that?

Because you're his father and you're supposed to love him unconditionally.

You see, I'm a Lopez. I got all kinds of conditions.

I need respect and support. And if we get in a fight, I need you to say, I'm

sorry first.

That's not fair.

And I'm not into people who are all into fairness. Now say you're sorry.

No, Angie, I'm not gonna do it.

Seriously, no, he's on his own.

Damn it, boy, get your pinky down!

Okay, let's... Come on, man, you gotta get that pinky

down!

Good move quitting the band.

I didn't quit.

They kicked me out.

I know.

But that's not the story you tell at school.

You had artistic differences and you left the band to pursue a solo career.

I suck at guitar.

No, you don't. Hey, you're way ahead of where I was when I was your age. You'll

get another band.

You think so? Hell yeah.

You got a new guitar, a PA system, and someone who will jam with you whenever

you want.

Sorry about what I said.

It's okay, Matt.

You know what?

You're my son.

We're going to do this together.

That's it?

I thought we were going to play together.

We are.

I'm going to get the fog machine.

We're going to do this. We're going to do it right.

If you see your mom coming with a tambourine, lock this door.

I'll come in through that window.