Original subtitles

Man, I'm too late. Angie's got the bills.

So what's the big deal?

I went a little crazy with my raise and I dropped a ton of cash on some new golf

clubs. I was hoping to get the credit card bill before Angie had a chance to

it. You hide things you buy from your wife?

You hide things you buy from your wife?

Dude, when are you going to get a woman so you can learn how this stuff works?

I'm tired of explaining everything to you. Your advice doesn't work anyway.

If you hadn't hooked up with Angie when you were 18, your life would be just

like mine.

That is the worst thing that you have ever said to me.

Good luck, man.

Hey, baby.

Hey.

What?

You get so stressed out when you do the bills, huh? Come on.

Just close your eyes and relax.

And you got a huge knot here.

I'm going to use my elbow.

Okay,

all done.

That's weird.

They didn't...

charge it?

I bet they're cutting back on paper.

Global warming, Al Gore, what can you do?

You know what? It's fine. I'll just look up the bill online.

You can do that?

Yeah, just take a second.

Angie, I forgot to tell you that I bought a set of...

New golf clubs, and I'll play so good that it'll shave an hour off my round,

which means I can spend more time with the family, and you can't put a price

on that.

$900?

That's pretty close.

We can't afford to spend like this.

Come on, Angie, with my raise, there's enough money in the checking account to

cover it. There isn't.

I went to get my hair done, but the spa was offering Reiki massages, and I

thought I'd try one out.

Who's Reiki, and where'd he touch you?

It's not a person, George. It's an Asian energy massage, and they don't even

touch you. They just put their hands over your body and affect your energy

fields.

$300, and you didn't even get touched.

That's your makeup for my golf clubs.

Okay, we're both guilty.

If we keep spending like this, we'll just blow through your whole raise.

Okay, why don't you check with me before you spend money on anything big?

And you'll check with me.

Okay, well, we had a good plan. You just ruined it.

No, let's talk to each other before we spend anything over $100.

That way, you have to defend what you spend.

Tonight, I'm going to a poker game.

You're in the house.

I'd like to have $150 cash.

Seems like a lot.

Let's hear your defense.

Okay, poker relaxes me. I make money doing it, especially tonight, because

going to use the cards with the girls in bikinis on them, and Ernie's got a

crush on the two, four, and the six, and every time he moans, he's like that.

Oh.

I'll give you the $150. Ah, thank you. Okay, my turn.

Yesterday, I saw a pair of shoes that I really want.

And they're $200.

Hmm.

No, Vito.

You have to let me defend it.

Okay.

Okay.

This is a new kind of ergonomically correct shoe. And normally they're $300,

they're on sale and there's only one pair left in my size.

I didn't realize this was so important to you.

I was going to say Vito.

But now I'm going to stand up and put my hand on your shoulder and say it all

nice. Vito.

Are you having fun with the poker money I should have vetoed?

No.

I'm getting horrible cards all night.

Well, I hope you learned your lesson. If you'd let me buy those shoes, I'd still

have them. I know.

All right.

Better say goodbye to the rest of my money.

And I will call and put you out of your misery.

I call too.

She's so hot.

I'm back.

I'm back.

I thought I had nothing. You came down just at the right time. All that talk

about, I hope you learned your lesson. They totally believed it.

I was serious.

Give it a rest, baby. It'll never work twice. I could

just kill him.

First, he cheats me out of money, and then he uses me and embarrasses me in

front of everybody.

Oh, I wish someone would clean him out so he'd have to come to me for more

money. Then I'd say no.

How bad do you want him to lose?

Why?

Are you good at poker?

That was a card shark.

I can have your shoe money in ten minutes.

This one time in Vegas, I beat this guy so bad, he had a total breakdown in

front of his friends.

God, I love to make men cry.

First, let's get my shoe money.

Then, let's talk about what support group might be right for you.

Can I play bridge with you guys?

Bridge? It's Texas Hold 'em, and it's a man's game. Tell her, Mom.

Veronica, you don't want to join us. We're playing for real money.

I have money.

I just cashed my paycheck.

Sit down, sister.

Okay, you guys.

I'm not sure if this is the right move, but I've always wanted to say this.

I'm all in.

No, no, sweetheart, don't do that. You could lose all your money.

I'll take my chances. Are you in or out, Uncle George?

Well... You have to learn your lesson early.

I call.

Hold. Hold. I'm done.

A king and a queen.

Pocket rockets.

Ooh, and two in the flop. That's quads. You're dead before the turn.

What you talking about, George?

Don't ask me. I died before that turn.

You want to go again?

Anybody can get quads. That's not skill. That's luck.

All right.

I'll deal.

Which deck do you want?

Either.

Okay.

I guess it's just us.

So you think I'm all scared because you know how to play a little poker?

So you don't know who you're dealing with.

I was playing poker before you were born. Raise collar full.

I got a pin in my chest.

I can breathe.

I can't.

What, Pa?

Were you by any chance trying to say what, Pa?

We should probably stop there.

I'll get more money.

You stay right there. You're not the only one who knows how to handle the

Watch out.

Hello, girls. Good night.

I'm checking your purse for drugs. You've been sleeping a lot.

Please don't tear this family apart.

Look, if you need more money for poker, just ask.

I'm a little more generous than you are.

All right.

Angie, can I have another hundred? Veto!

Neither was that lime green dress you wore to dinner two years ago.

I knew I'd use it in a fight someday and watch her. Here it is.

Here's your shoe money, Aunt Angie. Thank you.

Wait a minute. What's going on?

I wanted to teach you a lesson and Veronica helped me.

I bring your niece into my house and you use her against me? That's not cold.

Gosh!

to play poker, just click on beginner.

Yeah, and you can go to smartassniece .com and click on homeless.

I think there's a bigger issue here.

You have a spending problem.

Oh, you're right. I got a spending problem and I'm looking right at her.

Let's see who can live on less.

And when I win, I don't have to ask you for poker money.

Okay. And when I win, I don't have to ask you for shoe money.

Now, you realize what you're getting yourself into, right?

No more imaginary massages.

And if you want a mud mask, you're going to have to wait till it rains and shove

your head in the planter.

means no more expensive sports jerseys for you. It's not like Phil Jackson is

going to look up in the stands and say, hey, Mexican Kobe.

Finish the hot dog and get in the game.

Don't worry about me.

I grew up without that stuff. I was poor, Angie. I couldn't even go swimming

a swimming pool because my mom wouldn't buy me a swimsuit.

I had to swim in a garbage can in my underwear.

The white ones, the tatarans, where you come out like the tataran.

You want to see how I did laps? I went like that. One, two, three, four.

And I'd do the butterfly. I'd be like that. One, two, three, four.

And my friends would drive by and I'd be embarrassed. I would close the lid. I'd

be like.

That's right. You see it.

Saving money.

That's riding my bike to work.

What about tomorrow when you have to pick up Max from school?

Let's go home, Max. Well,

I got us dinner.

I hope you're okay with ramen noodle.

Ah, you spent 50 cents. No.

I paid for this with recycled cans.

You went digging through the trash?

have to. I got 40 empties from the backseat of your mom's car.

Not bad. While you were getting dinner, I got dessert.

I made these this morning.

Freezer snow cones.

I grew up on these.

What is it?

It's ice that I scrape from the side of the freezer with a fork.

they're the fish sticks. I got corn. You want a trade? No.

I'm good.

Oh, before I forget, Ernie called and he said that the game is in double

overtime and it's hot.

Just so you know, I canceled the cable.

That means no more sports channel.

This isn't going to break me. I'll just call Ernie. Tomorrow and ask him to

score. Face it, George.

You underestimated me.

I'm not spending money on anything.

And I ran out of deodorant, razors, and hair dye a long...

scrape a dry hunk of toothpaste off the sink, and brush my teeth.

What's going on?

You still haven't broken Angie yet?

She's tougher than I thought, Mom.

We ran out of fabric softener and her thongs are like cardboard, but she's

wearing them.

I'm ashamed of you.

Where is the kid who made a pillow out of grass clippings and a trash bag?

Who survived for a month on Halloween candy?

Who used pages from a phone book, George, when we ran out of toilet paper?

He's in here, Mom. I know where he is.

Well, get him out!

I will.

I'm gonna do whatever it takes to win this thing. Yes, George, because you

what? I raised you to be tougher than that.

So that's why you did all those things, Mom, to toughen me up?

Oh, no. Some things were just for fun.

You know what?

I'll never forget when you invited Ernie over for your trash can birthday pool

party.

You know, that was the one time I wished that I had a camera.

It's been three weeks with no TV or internet.

All I do is read and go to school.

I'm like some pioneer kid from the 70s.

Well, I can't handle it anymore either.

That's why I got a plan to end it tonight. Your mom is going down.

Why is it dark in here?

Some of us don't need to waste money on electricity.

I don't need it if you don't.

So would you say this is a good marriage?

Because if it is, I don't know why gay people want it so much.

So, what'd you buy for dinner?

I didn't buy anything.

At the back of the pantry, I found a couple of cans of Fisherman's Feast.

That's cat food.

From when we had a cat years ago.

I know.

to the ground fish meal that contains no more than 10 % fins, bones, and scales.

You're actually going to eat cat food.

This is how hard I am.

Baby, spit it out.

No, I'm winning.

What? Neither of us are winning.

We're eating cat food in the dark.

But what about the contest?

Forget the contest. Let's just call it a draw.

Okay. But then, can we go back to spending money now? Because I really,

want to shave my legs.

Yeah, my legs want that, too.

Angie, we can spend money, but not the way we were.

Just one thing I learned from this is that I don't want to end up broke and

eating cat food when I retire.

Okay, so now why don't we put the rest of my raise into our savings?

I can live with that.

Now, I think we can afford a pizza.

I love you.

Whoa, down kitty.

What? We both ate cat food.

I actually printed out a label and put it on a can of tuna.

That didn't taste like tuna.

Uh, yours wasn't.

I didn't think you'd actually eat it.

But you won and your coat is really shiny.