Original subtitles

Did my mom call?

No. I thought she carpooled with you today.

Oh, she did.

But she lit a cigarette in the car again, so I pulled over and I kicked her

You left your mom in the street?

No, I slowed down so she could get back in. Then when she got close, I sped up

again.

Then I slowed down. Then I sped up.

Tell her about when your mom dove for the bumper. Right when you hit the

it was like, boom!

That was accidental.

But very funny.

George, some guy called for you. He said he was one of your mom's boyfriends.

That could be anybody. I mean, my mom was the fast food of dating.

Easy, cheap, and perfect when you're drunk.

Yeah, she was the first one with the dollar menu.

He said his name is Wayne Hill.

Wayne Hill?

Oh, man.

Well, he said he's single now and he's coming over to talk to you about Benny.

Again? I wish that guy would stop trying to use me to smooth things over with

her. Well, then just give him your mom's number. No way. I'm not letting that

guy anywhere near her. I even told her she lost her job at the factory so he

wouldn't try to call her there.

What did he do to her?

Broke her heart.

Or whatever she has that pumps blood, tequila, and acid to her veins.

You were there. You remember, remember?

Take your girlfriend and go play dolls someplace else.

They're not dolls. They're G .I .s, and they're kicking hippie ass.

How's it going, babe? Got to be up early. Film a commercial for the new

Oh, I finally hooked a winner.

You are the rent -to -own furniture king.

Well, you know what they say.

Behind every good man, there's a good woman.

And quality furniture for just pennies a month.

I let the portion miss a payment, then I jack up the interest 30%. Suckers.

Don't talk like that if you have to leave.

Hey, new waterbed's coming in. Maybe I'll get you one.

You too, little man.

Oh, he makes his own waterbed every night.

something falling out of your pocket.

What the hell?

Yeah.

What the hell was that doing in there?

Benny, I swear, I've never seen this before in my life.

You're cheating on me, aren't you?

Hey, those things are so big, I bet there'll still be snow on them in the

summer. Hey, all right.

He's a guy on TV. Nobody respects him.

My mom was depressed for a month after Wayne cheated on her. That's why I don't

even tell her when he calls.

That was a long time ago. Maybe he's changed.

Angie, guys don't change.

You've been trying to change me for years, but I still scoop the peanut

out with my fingers.

No, you don't. I check.

Oh, I do. I just smooth it with a spoon so you can't tell.

If you already have the spoon out, why don't you just use that?

Because it tastes better off my finger. It's scary, really, how little you know.

You better not tell what really happened with Wayne. I won't.

You know what? It'd be safer if you just got out of here. You can trust me. I

can keep a secret. No, you can't. You've never been able to keep a secret your

whole life. Out. Oh, yeah?

I didn't tell you that that guy at work, Drill Press Steve, is gay.

That's not a secret. He stalks the vending machines, yet they call him

Press Steve. Think.

Think.

George.

Hey, George. You look good.

I see you're still lying.

All I said was, you look good. And that's a lie, because I look great.

I lost weight, and I had my teeth whitened. Watch out.

Come on, it was 30 years ago. Won't Benny at least talk to me? Look, like I

you last time, my mom's not going to see you, man, so give it up. You know, if

I'm going to get turned down again, I need to hear it from her. What's her

number? It's 3... Not going to happen.

Fine. I'll go look her up in the phone book.

I mean, how many Lopez's can there be in L .A.? Please tell me your number.

George, it seems like Wayne is pretty determined to talk to your mom.

Maybe it's time he knew what was going on.

Yeah, you're right.

I didn't want to hurt you, Wayne, but my mom's dead.

I don't believe it.

Maybe you should tell Wayne how your mom died.

You don't think I can do that?

She smoked and drank for so long, Wayne, that she had a myocarditis infection.

Don't you mean myocardial infarction? I wish.

That's treatable. The thing I said? Very deadly.

So, yeah, I mean, there it is.

My mom passed away.

I'm so sorry.

I mean, after my divorce, I really had it worked up in my head that somehow I

had a chance of winning her back.

She was the only woman who ever called me on my crap.

She made me a better man.

I can't believe she's gone.

Benny might have been really happy to see you, George.

Angie, she's dead. She'll be happy to see anything, really. A cloud, a tomato,

mention something.

A cat? No, bro, she hated cats. You really didn't know her that well, did

I guess not.

Well, if you don't mind, I need time to grieve. Oh, I'm sorry.

Internally, of course.

Dad, Grandma Benny's on the phone.

On the phone?

Stupid kid, he keeps spilling her ashes.

Sponge off the phone and put the urn back on the mantel. Take care of it.

Surround yourself with friends and family.

Grandma's mad that you kicked her out of the car.

What are you talking about?

Ashes. I was lying to that man to protect Grandma.

What is he? A bookie?

Bill collector?

Ripple man?

Married guy with an angry wife? All right.

No more sleepover that Grandma for you.

choked up Wayne was about your mom.

I think you should tell Benny about him and let her decide what to do. No. If I

tell her about Wayne now, she's going to find out that I've been lying about him

all these years.

She's going to find out eventually.

No, she's not.

You're not going to get away with this. The truth always comes out. No. The

Lopez way is you take your secrets to their grave.

Then they come out of the funeral in a big fight.

When my cousin Roberto died and the two women he was married to found out about

each other. That was sad.

Dad, it was funny. Two women in dresses with painted -on eyebrows throwing

punches. It was like Mexican Dynasty.

If you don't tell your mom the truth, I am going to lose some respect for you.

Let me ask you something. Would you lose so much respect that you would leave

me? Of course not.

Okay, then I'm good.

What are you watching?

SportsCenter.

No.

This movie is really heartwarming because the son finally realizes how

hurt when he was lied to.

So he decides to come clean.

And then she set him on fire?

What about the one where the wife is right, but she's so annoying that when

goes missing, they don't look for her? It's sad, but I find myself rooting for

the husband.

All I heard was the wife is right.

Hey, hey, what are you doing? Hey.

Okay.

We got to talk about something, okay?

Remember a long time ago you had this boyfriend, this guy named Wayne?

Of course I remember Wayne.

He was the best guy I ever went out with.

Until, you know, he cheated on me.

You liked him that much, huh?

Oh. I waited forever for him to make it up to me, but he never did.

One of my biggest disappointments.

Probably he would have changed my life forever.

Why do you bring him up?

Um, he's dead.

I just thought that you should know.

Well, he's probably not going to be looking me up now.

That's probably not.

Hey, I just signed for these flowers.

They're from someone named Wayne.

Get rid of them. What? What is going on?

Who are the flowers for?

Um, Angie.

Oh, yeah, why does it say rest in peace?

Well, good luck, my son, because she needs her rest.

Then why does it say in loving memory?

In memory of the loving. Any more questions?

Yeah. How many times are you going to mention sleeping with my daughter before

leave the room?

Okay, look, I'm sorry. We both know she's an angel.

So she walks up those stairs. I love her.

Come on, George. What are the flowers really for?

You got something for Wayne, didn't you?

All right. Yeah, they're for Wayne's funeral.

I'm going to take them over there, you know, because I always kind of like the

guy. Oh, my God.

Wayne is dead?

He was just here yesterday.

to see you, okay, Mom? He knew that he was dying. And he wrote down some last

words for you.

Sorry about everything.

Forget about me.

Never blame George.

Let me see that.

Continues.

I am writing and disappearing ink because I don't want anyone to...

Wayne was here yesterday because he wanted to see you, Mom. I told him you

dead, and these flowers are for you.

Why didn't you tell me?

Because he cheated on you once, and I didn't want to see you get hurt again

because you're my mom.

Really?

Oh, that's nice.

But it's a lie.

Now tell me the truth, or I'll rip off one of Dumbo's ears!

There's nothing to tell.

It was all George's idea. He set up the whole thing.

All right, all right.

All right, here's what happened.

But just remember this is the 70s. Disco Duck was a hit. White people had afros,

Mom. Nothing made sense.

Hey, George, George, George. I got my mom's bra.

But if you have that, Where's Kipper and Gilligan sleeping?

George,

take your girlfriend and go play dolls someplace else.

for 20 years.

Hated men?

Not on Friday and Saturday nights?

How dumb do you think I was? I knew there wasn't a ghost in your room.

No ghost calls out men's names.

Well, now I get it.

I never understood why a ghost would haunt for 10 minutes, go use your

then haunt again.

for you, but not for me.

What's he mean to you?

Did he smack you around when I wasn't in the room?

Because that's okay. I gave him permission.

It wasn't like that.

Mom, mom, guess what? The coach picked me to be on the all -star team.

Oh, that's great.

That means you're better than all the other water boys.

and you promised you'd go if I made the team.

Okay. Quit your whining. I will be there.

Babe? Babe?

I got a big surprise.

George, go to your room. Turn on the stereo.

Oh, no, not that. I met with this investor guy. He may want to franchise

business. I'm going to go to the fondue place with him Saturday night, try to

seal the deal.

Babe, I really need you there.

You can't go, Mom. You promised you'd be at my all -star game.

I know, but Wayne needs me.

If you really are an all -star, you'll make the team next year, and I'll go to

that game.

You couldn't share me, so you

ruined my life.

I didn't know what...

Wayne meant you, Mom. I was 10. I didn't know anything.

I thought it would be cool if you married Elton John.

George, Wayne could have made our lives so much better, but you blew it.

Mom, I feel horrible about this, but there's nothing I can do. It was a long

time ago.

It wasn't a long time ago. He came by the other day, and you told him I was

dead.

You lied.

You're always calling me a liar, but you are no better.

Yes, I am. I only lied once.

Really? Is this the first time Wayne tried to contact me?

Yes.

No, he comes by every time he's single. It's been seven times in the last 30

years. Oh, he misses you greatly.

Seven times.

Okay, so I was raised by the biggest liar in the world.

You told me for my birthday that you got me a cat like a special breed called

the nut cat.

almost tore off my whole face at least i didn't ruin your life i'm gonna die

alone thanks to you no you're not mom because i'm gonna find wayne and i'm

fix this i'm gonna give you guys a second chance you told him i was dead so

tell him the truth and i promise you mom when he sees you he's gonna think

you're as beautiful now as you were 30 years ago okay i'm lying and now i can't

stop

I told you I picked it.

What's going on?

I brought Wayne here.

He wants to catch up, regenerate love.

Hello, Benita.

It's been a long time.

Wayne.

It's good to see you again.

I'll be right out.

Why didn't you tell me I was going to see him tonight?

Geez, I would have worn more makeup and less underwear.

Hey, she's wearing underwear again.

Okay, this might work out.

Yeah, I hope so. You know, it feels good not having this hanging over my head

anymore. Well, if you don't lie in the first place, then you don't have to

about hurting people.

No, I don't know about that. Some lies are actually good for people like you,

for example. Don't tell me. No, your wedding ring, you should know.

I don't want to hear it.

Someone tries to steal it, don't fight for it.

Should I fight for my diamond earrings?

Only if that guy's small. Damn it.

Hey,

what did he say to you? All the right things. We're going to a motel. What?

I'm trying to take things slow this time. I'm going to sleep with him, but

things don't work out, I do not want him to know where I live.

I got a good feeling about this.

I feel bad for the people in the next room. They don't know the motel is

haunted.