Original subtitles

Hey, Ovi, I'll take a beer. Hey, you okay?

I've been better.

Man, I can't believe the boss embarrassed you like that in front of

I don't want to talk about it.

Hey, say no more.

Oh, it's almost showtime.

Can I have a beer, please?

Hey, Veronica.

All right, I'm going to stop you right there.

This is the last time I'm going to tell you, Ernie. I am not going out with you.

I'm not attracted to you. Get out. Over me.

Charlie, I'm not here for you.

I'm here to meet a blind date.

Conceited.

George, that's why I'm wearing my lucky jacket from high school.

But I live rhythm nation. What's with the shoulder pads?

Did Janet Jackson have a garage session?

No,

I'm wearing... this jacket because it makes my shoulders look good. See, we

on the internet and I might have exaggerated my build.

Those internet things never work out if you lie.

That's why I always try to undersell myself.

How?

Hey, George, keep an eye out for a bombshell. She's carrying a flower just

me.

stole your bombshell flower and gave it to that big chick.

I think she looks nice.

That's the right attitude.

She's in your league. This is your shot, Ernie.

Step up to the plate. Before she licks it clean.

Mom! Hi, Helen.

It's me, Ernie.

Oh, I'm not Helen.

Well, I'm sure you are.

I'm touching roses.

No.

I'm holding this for Helen.

She's in the bathroom.

I'll get her for you. No, look.

I know I'm not exactly what you expected.

But I meant everything I said in those emails.

I'm looking for a soul mate.

My heart's an open book and you can read it if you like.

That is so sweet.

Helen's going to love to hear that when she comes out of the bathroom.

Look, there she is.

Hey!

I don't believe this.

If you really want to catch her, you probably still can.

George, what am I doing wrong?

Well, for starters, you've got to stop with your soulmate, Crack.

Sometimes a gal just wants a man to be a man.

She wants a pair of big strong arms to wrap around her and sweep her off her

feet.

Okay, what the hell? Let's go back to my place, Gina.

Oh, oh, no, God, no.

No, I wasn't talking about me.

Why not?

Dude, the cobra doesn't want to bite you. Walk away.

No, Gina, I want to know.

Why are you turning me down?

You're not my type.

I'm a man and I have a pulse.

Well, I guess that means that I have standards.

I'm as surprised as you are.

Ernie, I don't want to talk about it.

Let's go, Lobey, and keep it coming.

Angie.

Date night.

I didn't forget that was tonight.

I treasure our us time.

Look, I had a horrible day. I'm still stuck at work with Ernie.

Why can't I find a woman to love me?

Ernie, stop yelling that into the ladies' room. That's sexual harassment.

I'll see you soon, baby.

I have to go. You gonna be okay here by yourself?

Why not?

I'm used to being by myself.

I might as well face the fact going to be by myself for the rest of my life.

going to die in my apartment alone.

Okay, dude, take it easy.

I'm so sorry I had to work through date night.

I can't believe I missed my chance to go out with someone who looks as amazing

as you do.

You think it's okay to just leave me here so you can go out drinking with the

guys? And we're off.

Look, I told you I had to work. I called the factory first. They said you went

to Thirsty's.

Maybe I told them to tell you that because I was out buying you a gift for

date night.

Yeah?

Where is it? It's on back order. It'll be here in a week.

How could you forget about our date night?

Because I had a horrible day at work.

Jack humiliated me in front of all the other workers. Angie, I just wanted to

get a beer and forget about it, okay?

What did he do?

I don't want to talk about it. Why not?

Because I don't.

When I have a bad day, I can't wait to come home and share everything with you.

I know. That's why. You know what you need? You need a girlfriend.

But you're that nice lady from the church that you were hanging out with.

She had a nervous breakdown. She's in a mental hospital.

Really? I'm sure it had nothing to do with you.

George, we need date night so we can communicate with each other. If you

talk about your problems, how can you really deal with them? You can't just

stuff inside.

Yes, I can.

Because that's the Lopez way.

We buried things so deep inside you don't know where they went.

So one day your wife gets you a massage for your birthday, the lady squeezes

your foot and you just start crying.

You said she hit a bone spur and it really hurt you.

You lived for two weeks. Did you fake that?

I don't know. What do you think?

I don't believe you did that.

Angie, because if I tell you, you just won't let it go. I'm just trying to help

you. Look, I don't need help, okay? I don't want to have to open up if I don't

want to.

Where are you going? I'm going to thirsty.

Oh, no, you're not.

This isn't about what happened at work anymore. This is about our relationship

and whether we have the intimacy to share our feelings or whether you take a

step backward in our marriage and go have a beer.

My vows were to love, honor, and cherish you. I don't have to tell you nothing.

Don't you walk out that door. You are going to stay, and we're going to talk.

Why? So you can break my mind like that nice church lady you destroyed? I don't

think so.

Pay some of that for me. Hey, what's the matter?

Angie and I had a fight.

Why do women have to talk everything to death?

Well, I decided I'm giving up on women.

You know, sometimes I think my life would be easier if I was gay.

Yeah.

No talking, no cuddling, just do your business and turn on SportsCenter.

You think that's how gay guys do it?

That's how I do it, man.

Dude, you just drank the worm.

The last time you did that, you hallucinated.

I don't care.

Maybe I want to hallucinate.

Go to the realms of my mind.

Where I'm not married to a woman who's got to talk about everything.

Anything happen?

No.

Well, just let me know if you start feeling weird.

Okay.

You weren't that when I came in here.

George.

George.

George.

George. George. George.

Wake up.

You're missing a great game. That seed's about to score.

Sorry, man. I must have dozed off.

Hey, dude. Hand me the TV guide. I want to see who's playing the next game.

What did you do that for? They didn't score.

I know.

Here, guys.

Try these.

They're pretty good.

Yeah, these are fabulous.

Finally.

You two are the toughest customers I've ever had.

Well, we just want everything to be perfect for our special day. I mean...

We're only getting married once, right, Bumpy?

Hey, man, stop it.

Oh, somebody called Snow White because Grumpy's on my couch.

What's going on, man? What are you talking about, getting married?

He's always a little loopy when he gets up from a nap.

If you back out of our wedding now, I'm going to keep the engagement ring you

got me.

Engagement ring?

Don't be modest. It's beautiful.

I am so glad you love it. I helped George pick it out.

It looked good on my finger, too.

Why can't I get a man?

So this is real?

This is my life?

And we're getting married?

Yeah.

And when we're married, it's going to be great.

Because it's going to be like this every day.

Sounds good?

Football, beer, and best buds.

I guess I could get used to that.

George, I'm glad you're here. I have to measure you for your tax.

Oh, I know it's inseam.

But maybe I better double -check it.

Not now, man. I'm not in the mood.

Well, mark the day.

Can't always be in the mood.

I'll tell you what.

We'll double up tomorrow night.

Let's get you measured.

Can we do it later? I had a bad day at work.

What happened?

I don't want to talk about it. Well, let's just watch a game then.

Usually I feel better if I talk things out.

Talking doesn't make us feel better, okay?

Watching sports does.

That's the Cardenas -Lopez way.

Lopez -Cardenas?

Let's go, baby.

What happened at work is still bothering me.

Forget about it.

That's why we watch the game.

I can't believe Jack humiliated me in front of all the workers like that.

Oh, look at that trainer rubbing Tom Brady's thigh.

I should have never dropped out of massage school.

Did you hear a word I said? Hush, I want to see this.

Don't hush me. If I want to talk, I'll talk.

At least save it until halftime.

Yeah, right.

Like you'll be able to listen when you see Troy Aikman drawing X's and O's on

the screen.

You know, those aren't hugs and kisses for you.

Well, there's a TV in the bedroom. Maybe I should go up there and watch a game.

Maybe you should.

Because nothing else is happening in that bedroom tonight.

You want to do that measurement now?

Yeah, let's just get it over with.

Okay.

So, what actually happened at work?

You don't want to hear.

Sure I do.

I ordered too many parts because of my dyslexia.

Well, that sounds like an honest mistake.

Well, the boss made me redo the numbers in front of all the workers, and I felt

like an idiot all over again.

What do you mean, all over again? Did someone else make you feel like an

Well, in third grade, Mrs.

Halstead did, but they were totally different.

What did she do?

I got a problem wrong in math class, and she made me get up and redo the numbers

in front of all the other workers.

I mean classmates.

Oh, my God, breakthrough.

I bet what happened... happened at work affected you so much because it made you

relive a childhood drama.

You know what? You're right.

You just had to talk it through with someone.

Yeah, well, Ernie never would have taken the time to help me realize that.

All he ever talks about are sports, house music, and how he wants a free

he ever runs into Travolta at the yogurt stand.

For some reason, Ernie can't be there for you. You can always talk to me.

Thanks.

What's Ernie doing?

He's okay. Don't worry about it. I'm so glad he decided to let me come to the

wedding. That kiss was just a stupid mistake on my part.

I mean, can you imagine us actually hooking up?

Soft skin, long hair, and all those curves.

No thank you.

You're the priest?

You look exactly like Angie's dad, Vic.

And I sound like him, too.

You think?

Then don't eat the worm, Chico.

Our grooms have written their own vows and they'd like to share them with

everyone.

Ernie, when you said you wanted us to write our own vows, I'll be honest.

I wasn't looking forward to it.

It's hard for me to look inside and share what I'm feeling.

But you helped me do that.

And as painful as it is, it makes me a better person.

And I want to thank you for that.

Why are you looking at her?

You're marrying me.

No, I'm not. I just realized I can't marry you.

I want to marry somebody I can talk to. Wait a minute.

I'm not even gay, man. I love Angie.

How can you say that?

Because he's coming out of his hallucination.

What hallucination?

Oh, you think a dancing worm is normal?

Look at me.

I'm at Thirsty's?

What happened?

I had this weird hallucination, but it helped me realize something.

What?

Talking to your wife is not a waste of time.

I don't understand.

Exactly, man. That's why I'll never marry you.

leave you walked out on me like that. We need to finish talking.

I know.

Because if I don't talk to you about what's going on in my life, I'll never

able to deal with it.

Don't you say what you think I want to hear.

No, I believe it now.

Angie, let's go home and I'll tell you all about what happened at work.

Are you serious?

Absolutely.

Oh, you smell so good.

And bra straps, which mean hello.

You know, I feel kind of bad because I was eavesdropping, but it was nice of

to take care of your friend like that.

Yeah, well, that's what guys do.

Good guys.

You know, I get off work in 20 minutes.

Seeing anyone?

No.

I've been killing myself trying to find the right woman to start a relationship

with, but I'm just giving up.

I should just go for a cheap one -nighter.

You know, you'd be surprised.

Sometimes that's all a woman wants, too.

Yeah?

Well, I'm never going to find one of those.