Original subtitles

Oh, hey.

What are you doing, Angie? Your pregnant should be carrying that.

You got my special little Lopez in there.

I was just bringing down Carmen's care package for college. I told you I was

going to send it today.

I know. I got her one of those talking bears, Angie.

I recorded a message for her.

Oh, that's sweet.

You're getting sentimental in your old age.

and I'm on my way to kill you.

Check out this little basket. I put some mace in there.

George, it hasn't even been that long and I already miss Carmen so much.

I know I miss her too.

Until the baby gets here, it's going to be real quiet.

I guess this is what they call an empty nest.

I'm still here.

What am I talking about interrupting?

But you can't have an empty nest if you still have a kid here.

Yeah, but Carmen's leaving has been too painful for me, so that's why I've

decided that it's better for me if I distance myself from...

I won't be going to college for at least three more

years. That's very optimistic, young man.

I hope your parents would put away some money, Carla. Hello?

Yes, I'll accept the charges.

Who is it?

I knew I'd say this at some point in our marriage.

It's your mother calling from jail.

Mom? You were supposed to send me a hollowed -out Bible filled with

Mom, I'm working at it, right? I was cutting up the Bible last night, but

started reading it.

You know, there's a lot of crazy stuff in there, and if you think about it,

got, like, a message.

Just mail it, George. I need my nicotine.

And also, I look tougher with a cigarette hanging out of my mouth.

I need to look tougher here, George.

Give me the phone. Hey, don't you mess with me, huh?

Because you know what? I stabbed a baby for crying in a movie theater. That's

right.

Yeah, right.

I heard you accidentally drove a getaway car like 30 years ago.

What are you in here for? For beating an old Mexican lady to death with a pay

phone.

That was fat.

How's your mom?

She thought it lonely and scared.

If Superman throws her into the sun, it'll be my exact birthday wish from

was nine.

for you?

Classical fetal favorites?

I heard if you play classical music to the baby in the womb, it comes out

smarter. The only thing I heard in my mom's womb was, I don't care if you're

drinking for two, lady. Last call is last call.

Can you play this one by Mozart?

What do you think? Isn't that negative?

D flat minor C.

Suspended for.

You know what, Angie? I know another classic.

She's a very kinky girl.

The kind you don't take home to mother.

She's a super freak.

Super freak. She's super freaky.

What are you doing?

George, I'll be right back. I have to talk to my dad about something.

No problem, because I've got to look up the lyrics online anyways. There's

something about getting freaky with a bunch of guys in a hotel room, and I

to get it right for the baby.

Maybe you can find a better song.

Mom,

can I go to a party tomorrow night? I'm busy. Ask your father.

Dad, can I go to a party tomorrow night? I'm busy. Ask your mother.

Well, since nobody cares, I'm going to go to a party with older kids and

drinking. If I could knock it off, Mumbles, man, I'm trying to find a song

sing to the baby.

Let's see.

Music, baby, womb.

Oh, that's not it.

Oh, my God, look at that thing. What is that?

That's a 3D ultrasound.

You can see the eyelashes and everything.

That thing's in mom?

Gross, it looks like an alien.

That's your reaction because, okay, you're a child. When you're an adult

me, you realize that this is beautiful.

It's the miracle of... Oh, the alien move!

But why was George singing to your stomach?

I thought you said your pregnancy was a false alarm.

Shh!

It was.

But he got so excited about having the baby, I didn't have the heart to tell

him.

So... What are you going to do nine months from now?

Hand George a basketball wrapped in a blanket and say, look, he's got your

I've got a plan. If I get pregnant right away, George will never know.

Well, at your age, it's not that easy.

Well, I'm ovulating this weekend. I'm not letting him out of that bedroom till

I'm knocked up.

Oh, to think I used to spoon applesauce into that potty mouth.

I'm sorry. I'm desperate. I don't want George to know that I lied.

I thought I raised you to value honesty.

Really? Have you told your 27 -year -old fiancé how old you are?

Well, my birth records are still in Cuba, so it is within the realm of

possibility that I'm 49.

Okay. Here's the deal.

You don't tell George.

I don't tell Lindsay.

Fine.

But you also have to back me up that my last girlfriend was Shakira.

And hips don't lie, it's about me.

Angie, have you seen these 3D sonograms? They're not like the ones that they had

when Carmen and Max were born. There's a lot of detail there.

Yeah, I know.

They're amazing.

So, you want to go upstairs?

You can bring your guitar.

I'll do anything I have to to get backstage.

No, no thanks. I got a lot of work to do down here.

have to go upstairs.

We're all alone.

It's just you and me.

Not really.

What's the matter?

Look at Angie. She's in the mood again.

Ever since she's been pregnant, man, her hormones are going crazy. She's been

trying to get me in bed all weekend.

Any other problems?

Too much money? Your house too nice?

How can I help you, George?

How can I help you?

I saw one of those 3D sonograms, man.

And now I can't be with Angie because every time I look at her belly, I see a

little face in there saying, keep it in your pants, but I live here.

Why don't you just tell Angie that it bothers you? No, man, because then she's

going to think something's wrong with her or she's ugly and then it becomes a

whole big thing.

Yeah, but I thought it was important for couples to communicate.

No.

You don't communicate.

That way you never hurt somebody.

You see, I love Angie so much that I don't tell her nothing.

Sorry, Ernie. You guys can't hang out tonight. George has a lot of chores to

And you thought she wanted to do it.

The joke's on you.

Andale, you got to go do your chores. Let's go. Vamos.

Do the laundry.

And don't forget to feed the cats.

Hey, Angie, before you say anything, I just got to tell you that I

am beat. Good night.

Well, maybe I have a surprise that'll wake you up.

I made a little trip to the Love Boutique.

Is that what it's come to, Angie?

Devices?

I'm not mad enough anymore?

You know what? It's going to be months before I get over this.

Boutique, I love you.

Don't be silly. I didn't get anything like that.

I just got some massage oil.

This one heats up when you blow on it.

I don't know what's wrong with you, but you have been avoiding me all weekend.

No more excuses.

Get upstairs.

We're doing this, Alice.

Excuse me.

May I open the door unmolested? Thank you, madam.

Angie?

George?

To meet the love of my life, my fiancé, Lindsay.

I heard Vic's voice, but it came out of Bon Jovi's grandfather.

It is so awesome to finally meet you, Angie.

It's awesome to meet you, too.

We came by to see if you guys wanted to go clubbing with us later.

Yeah, we know the bartender, Abba. He gives us free drinks.

Yeah, does he give you another glass for your dentures?

You won't be joking like that when you see my moves.

Hi, Poppy.

Hi, Creepy.

You know what? You know what, Daddy?

Yeah, my dear?

Why don't we just go to dinner to get to know each other?

Choose a place, and George and I will meet you there in half an hour.

George, I'll be upstairs.

We took vows. You have a duty.

Come on, Lindsay.

Why do you feel like eating?

I feel like sushi tonight.

Oh, no, Lindsay. Angie can't have raw fish. She's pregnant.

I thought you said she wasn't pregnant.

What? Not pregnant? What?

No. No!

Of course Angie's pregnant. No, honey, I was telling you a funny story that was

unrelated to Angie being pregnant, which is... I'll tell you more over dinner.

And we're walking.

Beth! Get a hurry.

What's going on? Why did she say that Angie's not pregnant?

Oh, this is what he doesn't know about.

I made another mess, Poppy.

I'll clean it up, eh?

Why don't you wait in the car?

I call DJ, but I won't play Shakira. I know how that hurts.

Talk.

This is between you and your wife.

Tell me about Angie before I kill you by closing the top button on those jeans.

George, I don't want to get in the middle of this.

they are, man. Is she pregnant or not?

No.

She lied to me and you knew about it?

George, I tried to keep you from marrying her, but you wouldn't listen.

No, you tried to keep her from marrying me.

She told you that? Well, what do you expect?

She's a liar.

Is everyone gone?

Yes, just us.

Wow.

Look at you in that robe.

You like?

Yeah.

Look at your tummy, you're already showing.

No, I'm not. Yeah, you are.

You're getting that little belly roll.

This baby's going to be huge.

I haven't gained any weight.

Sure you have. You can see it in your face, too.

No way.

Why don't you relax?

It's natural that your body changes. There's no reason to be upset, you know,

unless, you know, you're not pregnant.

What are you talking about? You tell me what I'm talking about, liar, baby

faker.

My dad told you? Angie, how could you lie to me about something this serious?

The test was a false positive, but I saw how excited you were about having a

baby and how depressed you were about Carmen going away. I figured I could get

pregnant quickly and everything would be fine, but you wouldn't have sex with

me.

I saw that new 3D sonogram on the computer and it freaked me out.

Why would that freak you out? Because there's a little person in there.

I don't want to turn your womb into an X -rated bouncy house.

Well, I'm not pregnant, but I am ovulating.

Hello.

Now's a chance to have our first planned child.

What do you say?

Hello?

What? What happened? Is he okay?

We'll be right down. What is it?

Max is in the hospital. They won't tell me what happened. Go get the car. I'll

go change.

What was it tonight?

I don't know. I thought you knew. How could I know?

I spent the last two days fighting you off with your joy jellies and your heat

cream scotchina.

Is Max Lopez in there? Where are his parents? Yes.

He's okay. We treated him for alcohol poisoning.

What?

So did you pump his stomach?

Fill him with charcoal, give him a saline drip to keep him hydrated?

Yes. And the doctor? No, man. When I was a kid, I used to bring my mom in here

for stomach pumpings like twice a month.

Well, maybe your mother's a bad influence on your son.

I doubt it. She's in jail.

Max, honey, are you okay?

Yeah, I'm so sorry. What happened?

I was at this party, and I met this girl, and she didn't want to drink

So I said I'd drink with her, and it was stuff I'd never tried before.

What have you tried?

Just beer and whatever else you guys keep in the house.

You drank in the house?

What did you have at the party?

Drain alcohol.

Orale, Jethro, that stuff can kill you.

They put in fruit punch. Oh, well, if you're getting your vitamin C, then it's

okay.

I feel horrible.

I guess this is my punishment for drinking.

Oh, no.

Your punishment hasn't even started yet. You're losing video games, the TV, the

computer, it's Amish time for you, fool.

I think I'm going to be sick again.

I can't believe he was drinking at home and we didn't even

notice.

This is my fault.

My mom's in jail, but my beers kept disappearing.

I should have put it together.

We were so caught up in missing Carmen and preparing for the new baby.

We haven't been paying enough attention to Mac.

We better start.

He's 15 and drinking, and next year he'll be driving.

We got a long way to go with this one.

Are we crazy to want to do this again?

Maybe.

Because if we do have a baby, it's going to turn into a teenager, and I don't

know if I want to be in my 40s getting calls from the emergency room.

40s?

You know what I mean.

What are you thinking?

Look, maybe part of the reason I wanted a baby so bad was because I missed

Carmen.

But I'm starting to get over her.

So, for now, you okay with no more kids?

Yeah, I'll be all right.

Yeah. The cigarettes just got here.

Really?

Alcohol poisoning.

Boy, does that sound good right now.

Okay, oh, later, later.

Oh, I miss you. I love you so much.

Sweet.

It's my brand.

I have taken enough of your crap.

You're making a big mistake.

No, you're making a big mistake.

I haven't had a smoke in four days.

You touch my cigarettes and you'll be in a world of pain.

Hey, see?

I've got a pressure point right here that is very sensitive.

Hey, you're supposed to be in a lot of pain.

Yeah.

I'll get you some matches.

ABC's Laugh Out Loud comedies continue with the Nights of Prosperity and it's

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