Original subtitles

Are you cooking dinner?

You see it, don't you?

Mom's planning a big wedding, so Dad's doing the cooking and laundry.

That's why I'm hungry and going commando.

All right, Free Willy, I'll give you a choice.

You can either figure out how to work the washing machine or you can make your

own underwear.

This is a game of chicken you're gonna lose, old man. Go clean yourself.

This is my husband, George, and my mother -in -law, Benny.

Oh, so nice to meet you.

I'm sorry I'm taking all of Angie's time. I just didn't realize it took so

to plan a wedding.

We never had wedding planners.

All you had to do was get to Vegas, say your vows at the drive -thru chapel, and

be on your way.

Well, Brooke's situation's a little different than yours, Mom.

First of all, she's not a minor.

She's not pregnant, and she knows the last name of the guy she's marrying.

I knew his last name. I just didn't know he was going to be using it for his

other family, too.

You know, if he says he's working late, he's cheating. If he goes to the store,

he's cheating.

Men never get off the couch unless they're cheating.

Anyway, congratulations on your oh -so -magical day.

Brooke, don't listen to her.

George and I have been married for 19 years.

Oh, my gosh. What's your secret?

The three L's.

Love, laughter, and... What's that third word you're always talking about?

Listening.

Oh, yeah, listening.

I thought you were going to say laundry. I'm always washing my fiancé's bloody

clothes.

No, he's a butcher. Well,

I hope he's a butcher.

Okay, Brooke, I will call you later about the flowers, and don't worry, your

wedding is in good hands.

Okay, great. Hey, tell me something. Anthony and I are trying to wait until

honeymoon. Any ideas on how to keep him from getting turned on?

If you want to kill the mood, you could dig around in your ear with a Q -tip and

pull out something that looks like a candy apple.

Still, that only works half the time.

Well, I guess it's going back to starting to fight for no reason.

Bye -bye. Take care, drive safe. Okay, call me.

She is a monster.

I can't work with her anymore. I quit.

What are you talking about?

She's crazy, George.

Oh.

I know what's going on.

You get two beautiful girls together and the next day...

calls me 50 times a day.

Nothing is ever right. She can't make a simple decision to save her life.

So women are indecisive. I know one woman who couldn't decide what to name

own kid.

That's why her son's legal name is Max Victor Roberto Magic Johnson Lopez.

All right, maybe they weren't all yours.

You know what?

I know that this is a big commission, but it is not worth the headache. I have

to call her and tell her I am not going to plan her wedding.

So you're going to quit just because you don't want to work hard?

Excuse me? I work hard.

I am tired of you belittling my job.

Okay, I'm not belittling your job, Angie. It just seems that most of what

is call other people so they can do the work.

That's all you think I do? Okay.

You call the printer, they print the invitations. You call the caterer, they

make the food. You call the baker, they bake the cake. The hardest thing you do,

you're like that, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.

All right, that might have been a little belittling.

It is not just making phone calls.

I help a bride through one of the most stressful times of her life.

There is a whole emotional side to wedding planning that you know nothing

Please, Angie, a stressed -out bride is nothing. Let me tell you this. At the

factory, I work with ex -cons, substance abusers, and sexual harassers. And I'm

not just talking about my mom. There's other people like that there, too.

You know what? You think you know everything. You wouldn't last a minute

planning a wedding.

Please, I could do your job with my eyes closed and both legs tied behind my

back.

but I get to keep the commission. And I'm not using that money on the house or

the kids.

I'm going to spend it on something that I've always wanted, a giant pane of me

that I can put over the mantel. I'm going to be like that. Watch it.

There is not going to be a commission because you can't pull this job off. And

don't call me for help because... Beep, boop, beep, boop, beep, beep, beep,

beep. Hi, you've reached Angie's Clueless Husband Hotline. Please press

for help because you're not getting it.

with you about her wedding?

How long can it take?

I ask her what she wants, I write it down, I make some calls on the course in

between shots.

This is my favorite part. When you're all smug right before you fail.

Like that time you put on your own fireworks show for the 4th of July.

Maybe I like fireworks at eye level.

I'll be right back. Keep an eye on those.

Bye, Mom.

Carmen, wait.

I'm not working today. Maybe we can hang out together.

Oh, no, no. I've got a poetry reading.

Well, I could go with you.

We haven't spent a lot of mother -daughter time together lately.

Yeah, I know, but the poems about how we're drifting apart, it would kill it

you were there.

See ya.

Hey, Brooke.

Come on in.

Oh, I can't believe Angie can't do my wedding because of jury duty.

What kind of trial lasts a month?

Well, She's not allowed to talk about the trial, and neither am I, but let's

just say that it's a high -profile celebrity.

Watch out.

But why did she suggest you plan the wedding? Don't you work in a factory?

Yes, a dream factory. I make wedding fantasies come true.

Now come in and take a look at my portfolio.

Pictures cut out of a bridal magazine?

Well, if you don't want a wedding that's going to make it into a national

magazine, then maybe I'm not your planner.

Good day.

No. I said good day.

Okay, but everyone else has quit on me.

All the good wedding planners are taken. You're my last option.

Well, it's not the first time I've been a girl's last option.

And like all the other times, I'll take it.

over the details now angie said you wanted to get married march 29th now do

want an indoor or outdoor wedding outdoor okay band or dj band okay fish

chicken oh don't you usually get both buffet it is i'll see you march 29th now

call me the night before but just to make sure everything's cool all right

oh my god i believe

you for like a second

Thank God you have a sense of humor, because I am totally stressed out. We

like a million things to talk about today. The guest list, the flowers, the

location.

You know, I had an appointment down at the golf course this afternoon. No.

No golf courses.

Country clubs are done to death.

I was thinking something more like a park, except nothing with too many

because my grandmother's allergic to bees.

Oh, and I was thinking something next to a stream, because I'm Pisces, and

that's the fish sign, so it'll be good luck.

You're not writing any of this down.

Scribble, scribble.

Now, I want torches everywhere because fire balances water, and I definitely

want balance in my marriage.

But none of those Hawaiian torches, okay? This is a wedding. It's not a pig

roast.

No, everything has to be classy. Like the music. The music before the service

has to be a quartet, and they should all be wearing tuxedos. Except for the

women. They should be wearing gowns, but not white. I could live with eggshell

or pearl, but that's pushing it.

Are you getting all of this?

No bees.

Yeah!

Hey. Did you get the glue?

Yeah. I stopped by the drugstore.

Man, I can't believe you took a personal day to finish these wedding programs.

Let me show you what I gotta do 150 times.

I cut a little ribbon, right?

I make a tiny bow.

I glue it to the wedding program, and I spray it with just a hint of lavender.

But not too much, because it leaves a... Sometimes you got to do it over again.

Man, how long have you been at this?

Six hours.

Would have been done faster, but every five minutes or so, I got to look down

pants to remind myself I'm still a man.

Wait a minute.

I thought you finished these yesterday.

I did.

But apparently I made a huge mistake and I got to redo all of them because

Brooke doesn't want to get married on March 29th. She wants to get married on

the 29th of March.

I hate her, Ernie. I hate her so much. I love what she did to my hand.

Brooke,

it's one o 'clock in the morning.

Like I told you at 12 .30 and 12 .45, I got everything under control.

No, you can't come over and look at the wedding programs. I'm already in bed.

What do you mean I'm standing next to my chunky assistant?

Hey, don't look now, but the hottest burglar ever is in your yard.

What the hell is she doing here?

I couldn't sleep. We have so much to go over.

Now, I was thinking about the birds in the park, and I don't want them flying

during the ceremony. They're going to be bombarding guests and eating the hors d

'oeuvres, so we need to get a scarecrow, but he's going to have to wear a top.

That makes sense to me.

Hi, I'm Lam, the chunky assistant.

I'll be doing your fitting, and it's okay if you get naked, because I'm gay.

Beat it, Rosie O'Donnell.

Look, I told you, I have everything under control. We can talk about these

things in the morning. No, George, I'm not going to be able to sleep until we

over the seating chart, okay? Now, I told you my parents are divorced, and

put them at the same table.

All right, look, I'll move your mom to table 11, and I'll bump your Aunt Ellen

over to table 6.

Okay, is that at least 100 feet away from Uncle Peter?

Why? Because he has a restraining order against her.

What are those?

Oh. Those are the second batch of wedding programs, huh?

29th of March, little ribbon, tiny bow. What's that?

Hint of lavender.

Everything's perfect.

No, I wanted champagne ribbons. These are gold.

You're going to have to redo all of these.

Why?

Why are you doing this to me?

Because you said I could have the wedding of my dreams, and in my dreams,

ribbon is champagne.

Well, when do you dream? You're never asleep.

You're always calling me. Look, there's no difference between gold and

champagne. And I'm not taking a scarecrow to get fitted for a tux.

You know what God made you so pretty? To cover up all that crazy.

I don't know how many weddings you're juggling, but obviously you're too

stressed out to handle mine. You're fired.

I will be back for the rest of these.

What is all that yelling?

in the morning.

Oh, she was so happy with my wedding program, she wanted to thank me in

So she's taking a box to show her friends.

That explains everything, right?

Is something going on?

Yeah, there is.

I think it's obvious that I can do your job. So let's call this whole thing up,

okay? Look, let's stop the fighting and start the loving.

I don't care if there's so much wax in your eye I can make a candle. I'll light

it and set the mood.

You don't realize this is the easy stuff. Things don't get tough until the

of the wedding.

I'm not going to admit you can do my job until Brooke walks down that aisle and

says I do.

Then I'll just have to keep at it then.

Are you crying? A little bit.

I'm just thinking about how beautiful the wedding's going to be.

Brooke, give me a second chance to plan your wedding.

I don't think so.

Okay, you're not going to find another planner this late. I promise you, from

here on in, everything will be perfect.

And you'll fix the programs?

I'll pay for them out of my own pocket.

Fine.

But if you make one more mistake, You're fired.

Thank you. You won't regret this.

You know they say that dreams can't come true. But those people never hired me.

The people in the story who said that dreams can't come true. The naysayers of

dreams.

I'm sorry. I've been working with glue all night.

Smell your program.

Smell your program yet? A lot of work went into that.

Smell your program.

Smell your program.

Smell it.

Hey, what are you two doing here? I wanted to see if you were really going

pull this thing off. And I came to check out the bridesmaid.

Well, you're out of luck, Vic. The only single one isn't that easy on the eye.

George, please.

At this stage of my life, I want a companion.

Someone I can talk to. Someone I can share my life with.

Soulmate.

She's over there.

Ay, Dios mio, look at that horse face.

George, George.

Brooke, you look beautiful.

Thank you. I don't feel beautiful.

My stomach's in a knot, my heart is racing, and I'm sweating in this dress.

Hey, listen to me, Brooke.

I've never seen a woman look more amazing in a wedding dress right now

do.

Sorry, baby, not your day. Deal with it.

A beautiful bouquet for a beautiful bride.

Just what I wanted.

A dozen yellow... Oh, my God!

What? There are 13 roses here. It's bad luck.

I'll take one out.

No, it's too late. I already held it.

It's okay. I got a backup bouquet.

No, it's not. Count the roses.

The damage is done, okay? Just tell everybody to go home and the wedding is

Because I'm a stupid superstition? You don't understand.

Everything is supposed to be perfect. This is an omen that my marriage is

and I'm going to get divorced just like my parents and everybody else in my

family.

This is that emotional stuff I was talking about.

You're damn right it's emotional.

I tied tiny ribbons. I sprayed lavender. Angie busted my ass.

This isn't her wedding anymore. It's mine.

And I'm not going to let it ruin my special day.

I think you're making a big mistake.

This wedding was a mistake.

Okay, I can't do this.

Look, let me ask you something.

Do you love your fiancé?

Do you want to spend your life with him?

Of course.

Then how can you throw it all away just because people in your family got

divorced? George, you don't understand.

Everybody in my family is divorced. My parents, my sister, my brother.

My cousin Cheryl is on her fourth marriage, and that's not going to last

the guy's already cheating on her.

Don't worry, Cheryl. It's just a rumor.

I don't want to be her.

Just because your family's messed up doesn't mean you're going to repeat

mistake.

Look, my dad abandoned my mom and me when I was two, but that didn't affect

and Angie. We've been married for 19 years.

He's like, wait, are you happy every day? Is it everything you wanted?

Is she behind me?

Then my marriage is perfect and I'm happy like 99 % of the time.

Honey. 50%. George.

75%. Stop talking to me through the bathroom door because when I'm in there

that, that's George time.

What my husband is trying to say is that You can't expect your marriage to be

perfect. If you do, you're just going to be disappointed.

You're both going to make mistakes.

One of you might belittle the other one's job, and your stupid pride's going

keep you from apologizing, and then you end up planning your first wedding, and

you realize you're in way over your head.

So this is the first wedding you've ever planned?

Yeah, and you're wearing a white dress.

So we both stretch our truth a little.

Stop sweating the small stuff.

Okay, take this bouquet.

Walk down that aisle.

You make Anthony the second luckiest guy in the world.

Stay strong.

There are no such thing as omens.

Pick it up. Pick it up.

You got tense, didn't you? You got tense, didn't you?

Lightning!

There's metal underwire in this dress.

You'll be fine.

This is your day.

Start the car. This isn't going to end well. Start the car!

Where are you going?

Come back!

This is my day!

I thought you were joking.

I can't believe you wasted all the money you made from Brooke's wedding.

I didn't waste it.

Hey, George, did you... Oh, you got it. Yeah.

Check it out.

Dude, that is awesome.

It's stupid.

Is it stupid that no matter where you go in the living room, my eyes follow you?

That's right.

Why does it say one of ten on here?

Go up to the bedroom, lie down, and look up.

Happy birthday to you.