Original subtitles

Look at Matt.

He knows he's not supposed to be on the Internet when we're not at home.

What do you think he's looking at?

I don't know.

He's a boy. He's 14. He's alone. I'm sure he's checking his stocks.

What?

What do you think he's looking at, Angie? That's a magic box full of naked

women.

Well, we'll never see.

He's so fast, the second we go in there, he's going to sign off.

Not this time.

What does it say?

He's got a website. He's talking online to somebody named The Girl.

Relax. That's Zoe.

She's 13. She lives in Chicago.

I met her in a chat room.

Max, this is the Internet.

For all you know, you could be talking to some old dude who stands at the

all day wearing boxers and eating cereal.

Mr. Basket?

The carpet street?

Yes. He watched me mow the lawn yesterday. It was hot, but I put my

on because no one gets this show for free.

What's with all... the noise. You just woke me up.

You left Max alone. He was talking to some stranger on the internet.

We pay to watch our kids not get drunk and pass out on the couch.

Hey, I'm one for two.

Carmen's okay.

Is she still here?

Don't worry, okay? The way she was dressed, she will get a ride home.

Can I please get back on the internet? I can show you Zoe's girl. She sent me

her picture.

That picture could be fake.

Ernie uses Antonio Banderas' picture to pick up women online.

Then when he meets them, he tells them he gained weight for Zorro the later

years.

Dad, you're wrong.

Zoe's a girl, and she gets me. She LOL'd at all of my jokes.

I'm going to show you the type of person you're really talking to.

What are you doing?

Pretending to be you. What's your screen name?

Ripped to the max.

There's only one thing you rip.

Dude, I think the twins are switching on it.

Why would they do that? They're testing us. They want to make sure that we know

they're different, that they each have unique personalities.

Here, you take this, and you put a mark on one of them so we can tell the

difference.

You want me to brand my date?

What are you wearing?

What are you doing? I'm chatting with someone.

Yeah. Someone who wants to know what you're wearing? Who asked that?

I asked that.

You see?

Creepy.

That doesn't sound like Mac.

Who's Mac?

He's my friend who lives in California.

I met him online.

Are you out of your mind? You have no idea what kind of perverts hang out in

these chat rooms.

People lie about themselves all the time, Zoe.

And not just on the Internet.

I know a guy who pretended to be homeless so he could meet this hot girl

worked at a soup kitchen.

I totally had her until I invited her back to my penthouse.

Let's see how old Max really is.

Uncle Pretty. I'm going to beat you.

Are you sure you're 14?

Because you sound way more mature than any 14 -year -old I know.

You know he can't hear you. I'm in character.

I am mature for my age.

I do lots of adult things.

Adult things?

Oh, come on. This is no 14 -year -old.

Yeah, I'm with you.

People only make age a big deal because they're trying to stop you from doing

stuff that's fun.

There it is. You see that, Max? Anything fun is sexual.

True that.

that doesn't sound like zoe because i tricked zoe into revealing his true

identity now i'ma draw him out i like to do fun things too like skateboarding

video games oh tickle party okay

let's

see if he'll give up where he lives if you tell me the address

Of this pickle party, I'll tell you where my pickle spot is.

Pickle spot? That's not a girl. They never tell you where it is. They try to

make you find it. And when you can't, they make you feel bad.

Give me your address, and I'll give you mine.

Sure.

Just give me yours first.

That's it?

He knows I'm on to him and he won't break.

I knew it. I spooked him away.

I bet with this guy's email address I can find out where he lives.

I'm gonna call the cops on your ass.

All my friends know the lowrider.

The lowrider. Brother, just a little higher.

Officer, I don't think you're taking me seriously.

Is she talking to a police?

Yeah, we think a guy's stalking Max on the Internet.

Bloody Omeo, that's horrible.

I did think Cuba there was no internet with strangers trying to lure you away.

If an old man put his hand in your pants, he was looking for food.

Why were you walking around with food in your pants? Why didn't you just use a

paper bag?

And leave my dad without a briefcase?

I don't think so.

Max, get down here!

I understand you're swamped, detective, but...

1 ,500 cases?

No wonder you're so behind.

Give me the phone. You're being too nice.

My son is being stalked on the Internet.

No, I can't prove the guy's an adult. That's your job. Get off your lazy butt

and do it.

Hey, don't threaten me with unpaid tickets.

There are a lot of George Lopez's in L .A. Just try to find me.

Yeah, that's my address, but what room am I calling you from?

The cops aren't going to help us. We're on our own.

Okay, put a filter on the computer so now you can use it again.

Finally.

You know, if I get an F on my history report, it's because you wouldn't let me

do research on the Internet.

You could have gone to the library and opened up a book.

Why is everything a joke to you?

Okay, but from now on, you can't IM anyone or go into any chat room without

approval, and only I know the secret password.

Is it WAPA?

Not anymore.

This isn't fair.

Why can't you guys trust me? Max, honey, you're only 14. You're still a little

naive. No, I'm not.

Max, I get you every time with that fake stain thing.

I would do it right now if you didn't already have a big one right there.

Well, at least I'm not the guy who has magic underwear to help the Raiders win.

Hey, I know my underwear don't have any magic powers.

Not since someone bleached the magic right out of them.

Spring freshness. I love that spring freshness.

Mom and Dad won't let me use the Internet.

They think I'm talking to some old perv.

Well, that's bad.

There's a desperate old perv out there who can't get anyone but you.

It's a girl.

Hey, can I use your cell phone to email her?

Um, normally I'd say no, but there's a chance you could be wrong and get

abducted. So here.

Sorry about that. My parents kicked me off the computer.

That's okay.

My uncle has a business trip to LA and I'm gonna ask if I can go with him we

actually meet That would be cool

What are you thinking

I told you not to talk to this guy anymore max you're grounded dad stop

out It's a girl.

This is how people my age hook up It's not like when you and Mom were dating,

you just went down to the disco and did the toot.

Let's make one thing clear. Your mother and I never did drugs, and we never,

ever set foot in a disco. This is a metal family.

That's why your name is Max, the loudest setting on an amplifier.

You were almost reverb Lopez.

Dad, I'm gonna talk to Zoe.

I'll at least use one of my friend's phones at school if I have to. You can't

stop me.

There was fear about that.

Well, you raised your voice and you gave him a vague threat.

You did everything they told you to do in weak parenting magazines.

No, please, please, don't give me that disappointed look.

It affects my self -esteem.

I think seeing you climbing out of a trucker's cab at dawn with your clothes

backwards would take care of that.

Oh, man, the guy after Max is coming to L .A.

All right, fool, come out here.

I'll set a trap and take care of you once and for all.

Zoe, I said I don't want you talking to this guy. He's not what you think.

You'll see when we meet him in L .A.

We?

Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. You're not going anywhere. This is a business

trip. Then why are you taking Chris with you?

Because he's my business partner.

And I can get him into the Playboy Mansion.

Dude, you record that?

Come on, man. You know how smooth I am. I just called them up. I was like, yo,

Chris and Freddy are rolling into town.

So much.

It's five grand apiece and we're gay designers from Germany.

But not so gay we can't be turned.

I can't wait to meet you in L .A. I even know a place where we can be alone.

This guy doesn't give up.

All right, dirtbag.

Sounds great. I'll email you when I get there.

When this guy gets to Ernie's apartment, Mom, I'm going to beat the crap out of

him.

Yeah, want me there for backup?

You know, Mom, I would, but at Ernie's apartment, they don't allow pets.

I think I can handle this myself.

Are you kidding me?

Come on, George. You got your lunch money stolen by that little girl next

who had a hole in her heart.

Hey, when you got nothing to lose, you fight that way.

I thought her oxygen tank would slow her down, but she wrapped that hose around

my neck and I was all like that.

Have you heard from the predator? Is he in L .A. yet? Shh, no, man, keep it

down. I didn't tell Angie because I don't want her to worry.

Yeah. Hey, it's scary with all those creeps on the Internet.

Things were a lot simpler when we were kids. You knew who the bad guys were?

They'd show up in a van and ask you to help them find their puppy, you know?

That happen to you?

No, I was too fat.

Yeah, the van slowed down and looked at me, but then kept right on going.

I tried to jump in one time, but the vato locked the door from the inside.

He's here.

Can't wait to meet you.

I'm at 6739 Magnolia, apartment 2B.

My parents are out of town.

Hey, wait a minute. That's my apartment.

What are the neighbors going to think when some creepy, weird dude shows up?

I don't know. What did they think when you moved in?

Where are you guys going?

We're going to pick up a... Overtime shift at the factory.

George, what's going on? Where are you really going?

Out, okay?

Out.

Ernie, where are you going?

If you lie to me, I will be very, very sad.

We're going to go beat up Max's online pervert.

Dude, I can't lie to her. I don't know how you do it all the time.

Baby, I only lie to protect you.

Don't give me that crap.

You're just afraid to tell me the truth because you don't think I can handle it.

Okay. Want to know how to some truth? Here's this.

You know why we got the house so cheap? Because a horrible crime was committed

here. Here's the hint.

There may be something to that frightened old lady who runs through

Oh, no.

Well, now I want to move.

Are you kidding? We'll never sell this house. There was a bloodbath here.

I can't believe you, Lord Max. It's stalker here.

I'm going to call the police. They will handle this. You already tried that. The

cops aren't going to do anything until it's too late. I'm going to solve this

the Lopez way.

When are you going to admit there's no Lopez way?

That's just what you say right before you do something stupid or wrong.

You got a better idea?

No, but I think we should talk about this.

Yeah, what's that, the Angie way?

Talk, talk, talk until you come up with a reasonable solution.

Well, we're not going to do that this time.

You are not going to walk out that door.

Yes, I am.

Ernie and I are going to make sure that this guy never messes with any kids

anymore. You don't know what you're getting into. What if this guy stands

ground and fights?

We're prepared.

Right, Ernie? Hey, that's right.

Watch out. Cup check.

Cup check.

Oh!

Hey, man, you don't say cup check unless you're wearing one.

me and look like my tough friend. Oh, all right.

You know what, man? Just watch TV.

Oh, okay.

Hey, if that's him, don't say anything. Just buzz him in. Yeah, it's either him

or the pizza I ordered.

Ernie! Well, I didn't know how long this was gonna go.

Dude, can't you go an hour without cheese?

I'm gonna knock on the door. When a guy opens it, we grab him. I gotta be

honest. I'm as committed to this as you are, but it's very important to me that

nothing above the neck or below the waist is in any danger.

We've got the element of surprise.

This guy's expecting a 13 -year -old girl, and I've seen you fight.

You're at least a 15 -year -old girl.

A 15 -year -old girl whose Pilates instructor says he has the strongest

the class.

I think he's kidding.

Face most of the time anyway.

Give it up, Pearl. You're the one after my son. Yeah, right, your son. I know

you really, Max. Whatever you say, Zoe.

Zoe's my niece.

Yeah, prove it.

I got a picture of her in my wallet. I got a reach in my pocket to get it

you want to do it. You'd like that, wouldn't you?

You see?

That's me, Zoe, and her mom on her birthday.

I made that cake.

Actually... It was a chocolate raspberry torte with a rose petal sorbet.

Now I'm really afraid of you.

Oh, man, that's the girl in the picture Max showed me.

Let's see some pictures of your kid.

All right.

Family barbecue.

That's my son Max, my daughter Carmen, and that's my wife Angie. Hello.

Oh, man, she's pretty.

Is that a garden gnome with a cigarette in its mouth?

No, man, that's my mom.

Guess the kids really were talking to each other online.

I guess this was all a mistake.

Hey, you dodged a bullet today, Holmes.

Yeah, sure.

So, what does rent -to -own mean?

So, uh, no hard feelings?

Oh, cool.

Hey, why don't we grab a couple of beers, man, and just forget all about

Yeah, sounds good.

Yeah, I mean...

You know, I just need a minute to take out my tub.

Oh, me too. Yeah, me too.

Good news.

Zoe really is a girl.

I met her uncle, and he invited us to Chicago so you two could meet.

No way. That's so cool.

Wait. Isn't this where you say you were wrong?

In fact, I was looking out for you, and I'd do it again because I'll get you

still a naive boy.

I'm 14.

I'm almost a man. I can take care of myself. Everyone knows you're not a man

until your hand is bigger than your face.

Spill soda on yourself?

Hello.