Original subtitles

Hey, Angie.

Honey, I have some bad news.

You dinged someone's car at the grocery store again.

It's more serious than that.

You left a note?

Look, I told you, Angie, just pretend you're writing something down and get

hell out of there.

We went over this.

No.

Claudia died today.

Oh, man, I was hoping you wouldn't find out.

Look, Max's fish is dead because of me.

I put Claudia in a coffee cup to clean her tank, then I forgot she was in the

cup, and I poured hot coffee in there.

If you thought her eyes were big before, Angie, you should have seen when the

decaf hit her. She was like... Max's fish is called

Claudia. It's Claudia with my brother's ex -wife.

Oh, oh, I'm sorry.

She was sick for a couple of years, so in a way, it's a relief.

Well, at least she's not suffering anymore, Angie. Not like that fish. Hey,

guy. I burned one of his fins. He went swimming in a circle like that.

I'm looking into flights for Miami. The funeral's on Saturday, and they're going

to read the will later on. Oh, hey, why do we have to go? Claudia divorced your

brother. We should be there for Veronica.

She's our goddaughter.

She just lost her mom, and who knows where her dad is.

Yeah, but why do I have to go down there? Angie, all your relatives treat

like dirt just because I have money.

Look, I'm rich in other ways, like hair and cholesterol, things like that.

How about this?

After the service, you can slip out and play golf at my cousin's country club,

18 holes, right on the ocean.

All right, I'll go to Miami, Angie, but for my goddaughter.

Because I promised the Lord.

I'm just taking my clothes as a show of faith.

There they are.

Don't start. Not all my relatives look down on you.

Hey, there's your Aunt Tipsy.

Hi,

Aunt Lynette.

Rumor has it you divorced George.

Congratulations.

You're still married.

You're still drinking.

Oh, look, Angie, different people.

Oh, Angie.

Oh, Raleigh.

George, I haven't seen you in years.

So tell me, kid, how was your bus ride from L .A.? Oh, it must have been hell,

huh?

We took a plane.

Oh, of course.

Oh, it must have been exciting.

So tell me, what have you been up to, George?

Huh? I just got out on parole.

My ankle brace is beeping right now. I'm supposed to leave the yard.

Some uncle was looking at Angie the wrong way, so I stabbed him and I licked

knife because that's how I roll food.

I got a strike. I'll burn it right now. I don't care.

What can you do?

Well, that's how they see me anyways. I'm just giving them what they want.

be at the bar. I'm in my own hell. I told you.

I can't believe my own brother didn't show up to help Veronica through this.

What? It's no surprise.

He's never been there for his daughter.

I take a beer and two olives, the stuff in my ear, so I don't have to listen to

any more of these people.

Yeah, my family's easier to deal with after a couple drinks.

A good bartender just listens.

And a good uncle recognizes his goddaughter.

Probably.

Still waiting on that beer.

Uncle George, it's me, Veronica.

Veronica, look at you. You're all grown up.

Last time I saw you, you had a ponytail and baby fat.

So did you.

Yeah, but I didn't have a full diaper look. You don't want to play this game.

How are you?

I'm okay.

I'm a little hungover, though.

My friend took me to this club last night to cheer me up. It had

and all these sirens. I wish I could go back there tonight, but it turns out it

was just a regular club on fire.

Monica.

And Angie.

I am... So sorry. You know, you are more than welcome to come stay with us in L

.A. Oh, thank you, but I'm doing okay here.

My mom told me that she's leaving me enough money so that I'll never have to

worry.

Lucky. When my mom dies, all I get is a bunch of old lady clothes and a gold

tooth. It's not even her she won in a poker game.

Sweetheart, where's Donna, your mother's video?

Everyone gather around.

It's time to hear Claudia's will.

Veronica has really changed.

Her mother just passed away, and all she's talking about is the money.

It's like it didn't even affect her.

Well, not everyone cries when people die, Angie. Some people cash in a gold

tooth and throw a party.

Hello, everyone.

I'm Claudia.

I know you're all dying to find out who gets my millions.

So here it is.

I'm leaving everything to my daughter, Veronica.

Now, you're not getting it all right away.

The money has been put into a trust, and the trustee I'm about to name will

decide when you get it.

The person I chose has worked hard his whole life and knows the value of money.

Will Vic Palmetto please step forward?

Okay, now bend over and kiss George Lopez's ass because I pick him.

This is your cousin Veronica.

Hey, Mac.

Why don't you show her to this fair room? She's going to stay with us for a

little while.

It's up here.

I thought you were just going to pick up some lame sweatshirt at the airport.

This gift is so much better.

Now I can tell you this.

This is a travesty.

I should be the trustee.

I am Veronica's grandfather.

I'm a responsible surgeon. I have an investment portfolio.

Your idea of managing money is taking the loose change from your work pants

burying it in coffee cans in your yard.

Buried where?

In those dirt patches where the grass doesn't grow. The whole neighborhood

knows, you idiot!

George, Claudia sent you a letter before she died. I just read it.

You're not reading my letters.

I thought maybe it would explain why she didn't pick me as the trustee.

Maybe it's because she knows you open other people's mail.

Claudia was worried her daughter is too irresponsible to handle millions of

dollars. She wants you to withhold the inheritance until you decide she's

responsible enough.

How do I do that?

How do you want to do that? I don't know. I wasn't named a trustee.

Angie, please. Look, I got a child's future in my hands. I don't have time

your tantrums.

You guys, I am so glad I changed my mind and decided to come back with you to L

.A. I love my room. I'm just going to need a few million dollars to

Veronica, it's not going to work like that. Your mom wanted you to prove to us

you were mature enough. Us?

Wait a minute.

I decide. Okay, match you.

I'm the winner, Angie, and you're the loser, so I can learn how to lose.

Loser.

What I'm looking for is maturity.

Well, if anyone can spot maturity, it is you, Uncle George.

You are the only self -made man in this family, and I so respect you for

everything. Okay, take it easy. Try to relax.

Look, you're not going to get the money by sucking up to me because I know every

trick in the book.

My own daughter limped around for a month because she wanted money for new

shoes. George, she was pigeon -toed.

We had to buy her special orthopedic boots.

Yes, Angie, but on my schedule. Okay, not hers.

What are you doing?

Well, I...

a sign of maturity is caring for other people, so I made breakfast for Carmen

and Max.

This is by far the best bowl of cereal I've ever had.

Veronica, I love that sweater.

Oh, I got it in Milan.

No way, you get to shop in other countries?

Hey, you get to shop in other countries too, Carmen.

Who took you to Tijuana to buy clothes?

You know what? If you like this, You can totally have it. I've already worn it,

like, two times.

Thank you. You're welcome.

So, we're barely related, right?

Go to school.

Veronica? Yeah?

Oh. Oh.

I'm George's mom, Benny.

Look at you.

angel you turned out to be.

You know, you were so young when I pulled you from that burning car. You

probably don't even remember me.

I don't remember being in a burning car.

Thank God.

I asked your mom not to tell you because I did not want you to feel like you

owed me anything.

I'm going to sit down now. My shoes are all worn out.

I can't afford new ones.

She hasn't inherited the money yet, Mom.

Money?

What are you talking about?

Has something occurred?

And what are you being nice to her for? I'm the trustee.

George, George, George.

You remember how I used to hold you when you were a little boy?

That's because you were drunk and you had the spins. Beat it, bat.

So I've been thinking about ways you can prove to me you're mature enough for

the money.

But, Uncle George, I'm already mature.

I dated a guy in his 40s and broke up with him because he was being childish.

Here are your choices.

You can go back to college or you can get a job.

But I can't go back to my old college.

The 40 -year -old boyfriend was the dean.

So... Kind of awkward.

Well, then I guess you'll have to get a job.

Okay, fine, I'll get a job.

But what am I supposed to do for money until I get my first paycheck?

Well, since she's under our roof, we could give her an allowance like we do

kids.

That sounds fair. My mom used to give me an allowance.

Yeah, how much? Five grand a month.

Five grand a month? I don't got five grand a month.

$40 a week.

You know what? Tell that five grand a month to the people on the bus. See if

they think it's funny.

$40? Oh, my God. Is this a maturity test?

You're trying to see if I'll cry.

You know who cries?

Babies.

Man,

I can't imagine being Veronica's age and getting millions of dollars.

You know what I would have done? I would have bought a mansion with a grotto and

lived like a king. It'd be dark, and in the middle of the night, you hear... And

we would have been broke in a year.

Oui.

This is my rich guy's fantasy, Angie. We're not married.

I got all kinds of sweet chicks in the grotto.

Oui. Yeah, that's all right, Angie. There's plenty of space for you in my

grotto.

If she fits, Hugh Scheffner.

We're back.

So, how did the job hunt at the mall go?

Well, I applied at a bunch of boutiques, and I think I've got a really good

shot. Two of the managers asked me out. One of them was a girl.

It was awesome.

Aloof. I like it.

I'm going to be back tomorrow to close a deal.

What deal?

Shut up.

Wait.

Are you waiting for a few?

No.

It's coming from his backpack.

I got homework.

Yeah, now you got homework, huh?

It's a broken perfume bottle, earrings, and women's underwear.

Dad, I can explain.

No, Max, you know what? It's okay.

We should have seen this day coming when he started to line up his army men in a

chorus line.

Max, what is going on?

They're Veronica's. She bought them.

Really?

Why are the security tags still on?

Veronica!

Max, do you know you can go to jail for shoplifting? I don't care.

I'll do anything for Veronica.

I'll love her.

Max, she's your first cousin and you have dyslexia.

If you have kids with her, your mom and I will have to pay a dollar to visit our

grandkids at the carnival.

How could you drag our son into shoplifting?

And how could you shoplift sexy underwear that are Angie's size? Keep

Well, you know I'm trying to figure out how mature you are.

Yeah, well, you only gave me $40 to live on.

How else am I supposed to get nice things?

Get a damn job!

You're just jealous because you're poor.

Oh, no, she didn't.

I'm not poor. I own my own house, I have three cars, and I have hundreds of

dollars in change buried somewhere on this property.

Where are you going?

Out.

You know, I don't need this, Angie. I should have never agreed to be her

trustee. Honey, you are going to be happy you did this.

Why? You're going to get the satisfaction of knowing you helped a

turn her life around.

You see, it's that kind of talk that keeps you out of the grotto.

Because you're more than qualified. But this,

I can't live with it.

I lost

my

key.

It's two o 'clock in the morning. What the hell are you doing?

At the club.

We walked home.

Why don't you get a cab?

I spent all my allowance.

On what?

I'll give you a hint.

I'm kind of like the chip.

Bait.

You use your allowance to get high?

Is it me or have we been talking for like an hour?

in this house uses drugs. If we want to escape our problems, the kids watch TV

and I play golf. And I don't know what Angie does because I play golf.

Oh, my God. If you're going to keep yelling, I'm going to need another

What's a fatty?

Want to earn these girlfriends. Now go to bed.

All right, that's it.

Look, I don't want my kids exposed to this. So tomorrow morning, I want you

of here.

Whoa. What about my money? You can have it all because I don't want to see you

again. I got my money.

This is awesome.

I'm rich.

And I have chips.

Now you're just rich.

George,

there's something I have to get off my chest.

65 years of Cuban hair?

Get the trimmers over there and rinse it off when you're done.

Angie told me that you're giving Veronica her money and sending her out

own. You can't do that. You'll destroy her.

Hey, not my kid, not my problem. No, no, listen to me.

Growing up in Cuba, I had nothing.

So when I became a wealthy man, I spoiled my children.

You're talking about Angie turned out fine.

That was a miracle.

But I ruined my son.

I gave him everything he wanted.

And it made him a horrible person.

And Claudia did not want that to happen to Veronica.

And that's why she made the right choice and picked you.

Are you saying that I'm a better father than you? Uh -uh.

Not what I'm saying.

Vic, it's just us, man. If this were a verse, I'd like to think I'd be man

enough to admit it to you.

Fine.

George.

You're a better father than me.

Ah, I got you!

George, you're a better father than me.

I got my new ringtone!

Remember when Veronica was younger?

She was a good kid.

That was a long time ago. Well, that kid is in there somewhere, so please save

my granddaughter.

everything. I guess I'll just take my check now.

I'll give you cash.

You have it in cash?

No way!

There you go.

Forty bucks?

That's your allowance for next week.

Oh, I do have chores to do, too.

Started with getting groceries because we need more chips.

And you know the kind I like? The bake.

No way.

I am not staying here. You said that you were giving me my inheritance. I

changed my mind.

You think I'm going to give you millions of dollars so you can screw up your

life? What do you care? What, all of a sudden you're acting like my dad?

Hey, look, I'm the closest thing you got, okay?

Look, I know you don't want to hear this, but this is what Dad paid.

Someday you'll thank me for this.

It's so unfair.

Oh, I know the answer to that one, too. Watch out. Who said life was fair?

You're first, I hate you.

Welcome to the family.

That was a great thing you just did.

George, you're a better father than me.

What was that? That's my new ringtone.

You know what?

You are a great father.

Oh, damn, it's Max. I forgot to pick him up at the movies.

What are you looking at me for? Go get him!