Original subtitles

Uh -huh.

Are you wearing cologne?

Yeah, I got it from under your sink.

Dude, that's the crap Carmen gave me for Christmas.

I used that to kill ants around the grill.

I just wanted it to smell good.

There are only two reasons why a boy wants to smell good.

Either he likes the girl or he likes the boy.

You don't have the abs to get a boy, so what's her name?

Christy Chapman. She put the word out that she likes me.

Likes you or like likes you?

She wrote my name on her arm and it's been there for two weeks.

Well, if she showers as much as you do, you got that in common.

Hey. Hey, Ernie.

My boy's becoming a man.

He just found out that a girl likes him.

Like likes him.

Oh, hey, good for you.

Thanks.

Hey, just make sure it's not a prank, though.

Because there are some people who write fake notes pretending to be a girl just

to get you to show up at the pep rally in shorty shorts and a mesh shirt.

Dude, I thought you recognized my handwriting.

You made a fool of me in front of the whole school.

But it was pretty damn funny.

I'll see you guys later. Go get him, stud.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You're not going to get your girl walking like that.

I'll see you guys later.

You got to go single strap, man. Crap out.

But it's too heavy.

There's a ton of books in there.

Forget about the books.

Check it out.

Crap out his side.

You smell like cafeteria pizza.

I like cafeteria pizza.

See how I'm looking at her from the side? She only gets one eye because the

other eye is always scoping out for something better. Hello.

Now show me a little, okay? Pretend I'm your girl. Hey, I want to be someone.

All right.

You're my large but approachable girlfriend, okay?

You've got a pretty face, but it's really a shame what you're doing to

Let's do this, okay?

Can't tell somebody my style.

She totally knows that you have that same skirt.

What's up, Christy?

Oh, man, don't look at me. Look through me.

You own me. Try it again.

What's up?

There you go, player. There you go. Come on.

play with haters, Susky.

Watch how it's done.

What's up, baby?

You look good this morning.

Yeah, whatever.

I don't care. She's like 30 anyways with two kids.

I'm keeping my eye on them. I think they might try to kiss.

Mom, no, don't smother him. Kids can only grow up if they have freedom. The

parenting is really just to let them do what they want.

Oh, this ought to be good. What do you want?

I want to spend the weekend on Jenny's houseboat.

It'll be totally safe. All the cool kids will be there, many of them regular

churchgoers.

You're not going to Lake. Take your top off, and that's fine.

Oh, so I can't go to a...

party in the lake, but the second you leave the room, Max and his girlfriend

make out like monkeys.

They were making out?

Oh, did I say that out loud?

I get gossipy when I'm oppressed.

Max's girlfriend's still here? Not for long. Carmen said they were making out

when I left the room.

Sweet.

Boy, look at that. He's a Lopez. He's going back for seconds.

You treat him like a baby.

Why don't you just hold him upside down by his legs and powder his bottom?

Christy's got to go.

See you later, Mr. and Mrs. Lopez.

Christy, you can't stay for dinner. Bye, Christy.

Tomorrow we can hang out at my house.

Yeah, that sounds a little more private.

It is.

I love you.

I love you, too.

important you had to get all up in my stuff.

Max, I interrupted you because you were moving way too fast.

You're too young to be saying I love you.

Well, she said it to me, and I really like her, so I said it back.

Whoa, whoa, dude. I agree with your mother. Kissing is one thing, but Max,

never ever say I love you to a girl.

I mean, that's like covering yourself in bloody meat and jumping into a shark

tank.

What do you want? I'm teaching our son.

You never say I love you until you find the one shark you want to spend the rest

of your life with.

I already said it.

What do I say now if she asks me if I love her?

You go like this. You say, what do you think? I'm here, ain't I?

And then dip and go. You go like that. Watch us dip and go.

Max, why don't you go upstairs and wash up? I need to talk to your father.

You gotta dip and go, though.

How can you fill his head with all that stuff?

You're trying to turn him into a little player.

Angie, I'm schooling him. Okay, he's my son, and I just want him to do better

with girls than I did in high school.

If he dates one more girl, he'll double your total.

No one believes I made out with Cindy Figueroa. Because you passed a flyer

around school that said I did not make out with George Lopez.

I'm not saying she regretted it. I'm just saying it happened.

i just think you're trying to push him into something he's not ready for he's

not or you're not what is that supposed to mean you can't keep max a little boy

for the rest of his life he will always be my little boy and i will always

protect him because that's what mothers do yeah right that's what mothers do hey

mom remember when you protected me from new shoes vitamins and toys

Protected you plenty of times.

Remember that time I threw my body over yours in that car accident?

Mom, your door didn't work. You were trying to get out by climbing over me.

Since when does it make you a good mother to die with your son?

Only you. It's 2 .30 in the morning, man. What are you doing with those

I'm doing laundry.

Hey, is there something going on?

Do you need to talk, Max? Because I could wake up your mom.

I had this dream that I was kayaking.

And then I thought, I don't kayak.

And why does this river smell like asparagus?

Oh, man, you peed the bed?

Oh, dude, this is nasty.

I'm sorry, Dad.

Max, you're too old to be doing this.

Grandma said you peed the bed when you were a kid.

Once or twice.

She said you did it all the time.

Damn!

Well, she's not perfect either.

I was going to tell you what happens when she sneezes. She'd be like that.

Oh.

Why did you wet the bed?

I was going through a lot of stuff.

Max had a lot of emotional discharge that manifested itself as pee.

Maybe I have that, too.

Come on, man. What do you have to be worried about?

Christy. She's had a lot of other boyfriends.

What if I'm doing everything wrong?

Max, let me give you some advice.

Women love a guy who's potty trained.

It's happened a bunch of times before.

Maybe it's something else.

Look, it doesn't matter what it is.

Okay, you're 14. It's time to stop. Suck it up and be a man.

Thanks a lot. I'll figure it out myself.

Okay, look.

Have a seat.

Max, here's what I did.

I stopped drinking anything three hours before I went to bed.

Then I'd set the alarm so I'd wake up at night and go to the bathroom.

I'm gonna set my alarm right now. Okay, good.

All right, but don't tell your mom about this, all right? She already thinks you

can't handle a girlfriend.

And if she finds out you're stressing about this, then she'll be right.

And then she'll have the power?

Come on, man.

I'm proud of you, son. I'd hug you right now, but I was scared you'd smell like

pee, so...

I have to say I agree with you on this, George.

I mean, I see no problem with Max David.

When I was his age in Cuba... Oh, Vic. Vic, come on, man. Look, it's late. I'm

tired. I ain't got time for this. All right, just get to the very end of the

story.

Well, the chicken lives, but the girl had to wear an eye patch the rest of her

life.

I guess it's time you knew the truth.

Carmen came into my room and peed in my bed.

And I saw this raven hair, the cinnamon skin, the beauty.

Last line, Vic!

And it turns out it was the exact same chicken.

What's going on?

I swear, I didn't drink any water.

I did what you said, and it still happened.

What is he talking about? Did this happen before?

Uh, maybe.

Is there something going on behind my back that you two are keeping from me?

And do you want to fight about this, or do you want to hear one of your father's

hilarious chicken stories? Vic!

Tell her about the cinnamon chicken with the raven eye.

Max, put those in the washer and then go on up to your room. I'll be up in a

minute with some fresh sheets.

George, I am his mother. I need to know everything that's going on with Max.

Angie, he wet the bed a few nights ago, but I'm dealing with it.

How are you dealing with it? The Lopez way, by keeping it a secret.

You know, if Max has wet the bed repeatedly, there is the possibility

is a physical problem.

Does the boy have any other health issues?

No, man, he's fine.

He did have a fever a couple of days ago. And there was that night he got

strange stomach cramps. Those weren't so strange. He got in a contest to see who

could finish a whole bucket of gummy worms.

Whose dumb idea was that? The winner, thank you.

Bedwetting, fever, maybe cramps. It sounds like he could have a urinary

infection.

I thought only girls got those.

A boy can get them if he has been sexually active.

But he's so young.

14 is the man in many parts of the world.

In fact... Come on, man, last lines.

My father paid the girl with a chicken.

I told you he wasn't ready for a relationship. This is all your fault.

Mac, we need to talk to you.

The more we talk about my bed wedding, the worse it gets.

Relax, it's not about that. It's about Christy.

Did that little tramp steal your virginity?

You have to tell her.

Right now.

What have you and Christy been doing?

Nothing. Tell the truth.

We just made out stuff.

Stuff?

All right, I got upstairs outsideies.

See, he's still upstairs.

He's not anywhere near any of the floors where the bad stuff happens.

If you need me, I'll be sleeping in the tub.

Whoa. Hey, open the drain. I don't want you to drown.

What's going on?

It's taking too long. We should be in there with our son.

He's embarrassed, Angie.

He doesn't want his mom holding his hand when he's being tested for a venereal

disease.

My son got it from sitting on that truck your kid's playing with.

If Max and Christy did do something, it's your fault for giving them your

little player lesson.

I can't help it if my teachings are that powerful.

That's why I don't put it out on video, you know.

Can you imagine if the Chinese got a hold of my technique? There'd be like a

billion of them.

Mr. and Mrs. Lopez, can I speak to you?

Max will be out in a minute, but I wanted to tell you that he does have a

urinary tract infection.

I knew that girl was unclean the minute I saw her, Angie. The way she walked,

the way she looked at him, filthy.

Max didn't get this from sexual activity.

How do you know?

We talked about it. The most he's ever gotten is upstairs outside his... Well,

then how did he get the infection?

Well, I did an ultrasound.

And I found that the tubes...

Leading from Max's kidneys are too narrow.

So with urine's backing up, that's what caused the UTI. That's why he's wetting

the bed.

Well, how serious is that?

Well, Max is going to be fine. We have a surgery that corrects the problem.

But you're lucky we caught it in time.

Well, what if we hadn't?

Well, your son would have developed kidney disease and eventually would have

needed a transplant.

Oh, my God.

He's only wet the bed a few times.

Well, according to Max, he's been wetting the bed for months.

He said he tried to tell you.

Yeah.

So what do we do now?

Well, I can refer you to an excellent kidney surgeon.

Great guy, big house, trophy wife.

Works half my hours.

People told me to specialize, but I said, what's more special than kids?

Now, if you'll excuse me.

I have to look into the waxy ear of a screaming four -year -old.

Go ahead and say it. I'm a horrible father.

You're not a horrible father.

My son was developing kidney disease and I just told him to suck it up and be a

man. The important thing is Max is going to be okay.

Angie, what was I thinking?

I mean, my dad died of kidney disease. Max has my bad genes.

He's got both our genes, George.

Well, look, if he unexpectedly dies of soft hair and long eyelashes, then it'll

be your fault.

This one's on me.

Listen, when I said to suck it up and be a man, I was wrong.

Yeah, you were.

You know, it's just sometimes I'm winging this stuff because I didn't have

dad.

It's okay.

No, it's not.

Look, you try to talk to me about something and I wouldn't listen to you,

So from now on, whenever you want to talk to me, I'll listen, okay? No matter

what it is.

Well, there is something bothering me.

That's okay, son. What is it?

Is my head going to balloon up like yours?

I mean, how did that happen?

Why don't you try staying dry for two days before you take a shot at me?

Christy's on the phone.

Dad, what do I tell her about the operation?

Hey, Christy?

Hey, it's Mr. Lopez.

I just wanted to give you a heads up. Max is going in for some major surgery.

He would have told you himself, but he didn't want you to worry.

Dad, what are you doing?

Trust me.

Hey, Christy.

What?

You can make me brownies. Hello.

And bring me skateboard magazines.

Geez, I said I love you. Okay, remember what I told you.

Yeah, I heard you.

I'm here, ain't I?

Sorry, that was from my dad. I love you so much.

What are you doing here? He came by to check on Mac.

He's recovering well from the surgery.

He'll be up in about no time.

I don't think doctors make house calls anymore.

Well, I got two exes and a gambling problem.

If you could pay me in cash.

So, doctor, would you like to make another house call?

I have something you might want to look at.

Don't go there. Mommy's a pediatrician, not a vet.

In tonight's show, you found out how important early detection of kidney

can be for you and your family. To find out if you're at risk, please contact

the National Kidney Foundation at 1 -800 -622 -9010 for more information.

Thank you.