Original subtitles

What's going on?

Well, the kids are both busy. I thought maybe we could spend some alone time

together. George would like alone time.

Make George happy.

Maybe after dinner we could crawl into bed early, watch a DVD.

You could pick anything you want.

What about a Steven Seagal movie?

But one of the early ones before he got too fat to kick.

Whatever you want.

As long as you're free tonight.

I'm all yours.

Good.

Maybe we'll have time for the movie after Mac's school assembly.

School assembly?

Would you trick me?

I'm not going.

You know what? You can go by yourself and sit in the back row with all the

single mothers who drove their men away with lies.

This is for Mac. We're both going.

What's the meeting about anyway? Well, I don't know, but they said it was

important. Important?

At the last meeting, there was a man in a dog suit.

That was Sergeant Sniffer, the police dog.

Don't get hooked, kid, because getting off drugs is rough, rough, rough.

You have nothing to do now. You're going.

All right, fine, I'll go.

But there's always that annoying lady there that just loves to hear herself

the whole thing.

I wish I could leave before you start asking all those stupid questions. Well,

why don't you? Because I've got to drive her home. Vamanos.

This place is half empty.

Usually it's tough to find a seat.

Hello, I'm Principal Stahler.

I wanted to talk to a very select group of parents tonight.

Yeah, they didn't invite all the losers this time.

You're all here because none of you attended college.

Strike that, Angie. We're the losers.

This is in no way meant to cast aspersions on anyone.

But studies have shown that children whose parents didn't go to college are

likely to go themselves.

So basically what you're saying is that we're all stupid.

No, sir.

I just said I don't mean to cast aspersions on you.

That means I didn't go to college.

I am not trying to insult anyone.

Well, it's too late for that because I got aspersions all over me and whatnot.

Look, we are just trying to encourage you to give your son a better chance to

succeed. You don't need a college degree to be successful.

I managed a whole factory and I did it without having a college degree.

Okay, I didn't have to spend thousands of dollars to learn how to binge drink

and throw up on my friends.

I learned that by just getting out there and doing it.

Come on, Angie, we're out of here. Give me the keys.

Unless I'm too dumb to figure out how to drive my own car.

Give me the keys.

I don't have the keys.

Don't tell me you locked them in the car again.

George!

All right.

Who here can help me break into a car?

Come on, I didn't even go to college. Somebody's got to know.

Come on, fool, let's go.

There was a school assembly last night. And you know I like to go trolling for

single mothers.

Well, you don't talk to them anyway. You just stand around by the snack table

stuffing your face with cookies.

Gee, that's because a cookie never woke up in bed next to me and cried, What

have I done?

I gotta stop drinking.

No, man.

It wasn't a regular assembly anyways. It was only for parents who didn't go to

college. They're trying to inspire our kids by telling them that we're all

idiots.

So when they tell you you're an idiot, it's inspirational.

But when I do it, I'm a bad mother.

They didn't yell at me during potty training.

Now when I have trouble, I can't go unless I yell at myself. Come on, you

idiots!

George, why don't you meet Rick Martinez? He's a consultant. He's going

us find some ways to chop the budget down to size.

Well, I'm going to cut to the chase.

I will sleep with you to keep my job.

That didn't work during the Depression, and it's not going to work now.

Nice to meet you, Rick, but our budget's fine.

The only thing we're wasting money on is an expensive consultant.

Don't get all threatened. Rick isn't here to take your job.

He's way overqualified for that.

Now, if Rick fell down a flight of stairs and lost half of his brain

then... Nope.

Still overqualified.

I suppose you want to see the budgets for the last couple years.

George, I'm not going to make your life miserable.

I started off in a factory just like this.

Really? And you worked your way up, huh?

Nope. It was a part -time job while I was in college.

College boy.

Hey, so what would a rich kid be doing working in a factory?

Rich. I grew up in Boyle Heights.

Couldn't sleep at night because of the police helicopters.

Yeah, well, my father abandoned us, so I was happy to hear the police

helicopters.

The only time a grown man ever gave me guidance, get back in the house, son.

I didn't have a dad either. He died and my mom had to support us. Yeah, well, my

mom had to work two jobs and I had a learning disability.

Dyslexia? Yep. Me too.

We have a lot in common.

Yeah, you guys started out the same and then Rick, you know, did a lot better.

Hey, but you could have done just as well if you'd have gone to college,

Yeah, I would have.

But I got married right out of high school.

This is my wife, Angie. Wow.

She's really beautiful. You are a lucky guy. Thank you, Rick.

Hey, are you married? Yep.

15 years.

Met her in college.

Oh, you met her in college.

That's nice.

Come on, man.

Let's see the picture, dude.

George, let's not do this. Oh, come on. Why not?

You went to college.

You got a good job.

It doesn't matter if my wife is hotter than yours, dude. It's not a

Shit.

I can never win nothing.

Is she the girl from the beer commercials?

She does a little modeling.

Charlie, you seen her naked and everything?

Dude.

Oh, I'm sorry. That was totally inappropriate.

Ernie! What?

Give me a picture of Cochino.

Rick, I hope this isn't out of line, but she's had some really nice work done.

The real.

Jack brought in this consultant, Rick Martinez.

The guy's perfect, Angie. Smart, confident, successful.

I don't like you have a crutch on him.

Angie, please, Rick is so out of my league.

Come on, you're exaggerating. No one's better than my man.

Oh, yeah, you should see what his wife looks like.

A picture of his wife? No, when he went to lunch, Ernie stole it and made a

bunch of copies.

Wow.

She is beautiful.

I'm going to need that back. I've got to get it signed tomorrow night at the car

show.

Hey, Karma, fine.

Where's Max? You were supposed to pick him up after school.

I went there, but they said he was out sick today.

He's not sick.

Well, didn't he have a big test today?

Oh, no, I bet he did.

Why don't you send him away, and then it'll be just the three of us like it

back in the good old days?

That's funny, Carmen, because back in the good old days, I remember there was

just two of us.

Go to your room. I want to talk to your brother.

Should we do good cop, bad cop? Yeah, whatever you want tonight, but right

let's deal with Max.

Hey, Max, are you all right?

Yeah, why?

Oh, my God.

You don't even know.

Apparently someone in your class missed a test.

And your teacher, Mr. Sanchez, got worried and she went looking.

Yeah, she went to that pizza place across from the school to see if the kid

there. But a pit bull chased her in the street.

And she got hit by a bus.

She's still okay, right?

Well, she was, but the ambulance that came to get her didn't realize she was

still in the street. I just did this to go to the

arcade. I know she go looking for me.

Busted!

You know better than to skip school.

It was only one day.

Max, you missed a test.

What? the big deal if i miss the test i'm not going to college anyway yes you

are you didn't excuse me i decided to raise a family i still might go someday

dad said you don't need to so i'm not going hey don't listen to what i said

i was wrong you know today i met a guy who has the same exact background as i

except he went to college and because of that he's got a better job a nicer

house uh may i go ahead a smoking hot white max

Trust me, man, you got to go to college.

I hate this. I'm not good enough to get into college.

Look, I used to think the same thing, but now I know if I worked harder, I

have gotten through it.

Yeah, right. You didn't go, I don't have to go.

Oh, so that's how it is, huh?

If I went to college, you'd go?

Yeah, but you didn't go, so I don't have to go.

Then here it is.

I'm going to college, and you know what? So are you.

Angie, call Harvard and get them on the line.

I'm on the line.

You're really going to college. Damn right I am. And so are you.

Because you know what? When I put my mind to something, I do it. That's it.

Okay, how do I get out of this?

You're at the college, man. You figure it out. Why did you stop me? Well, how

was I supposed to know you were going to set a good example for your kids all of

a sudden?

Well, when I started talking and you started feeling proud of me, you should

have known that something was wrong.

George, I went on the Internet and found an application for the community

college. Here, I printed it out for you.

You know, Angie, I don't think we really have the money for me to go back to

college.

It's only $28 a unit.

Well, you know, Angie, I really don't think I have the time to go back to

college. It's only two nights a week. Close! I don't have to close!

Honey, I understand you're nervous, but think about it.

You could actually be a college graduate.

But I hated school, Angie.

I mean, I sucked at it because of my dyslexia.

I hid behind this fat kid in class so they wouldn't call on me. Then one day,

takes one of those herbal diet pills, his stupid heart explodes, and I get a

I'm not saying it's going to be easy for you, but think about the example you'll

be setting for Max.

Hmm, they have a business degree.

What's that?

A college application.

George is going back to school.

Why?

Do they need a big -headed mascot to run around the football games?

No, if they needed a mascot, they could just put a saddle on you and ride you

around after touchdowns.

Benny, this is serious. George is thinking about getting his business

Angie, you're wasting her time. She don't care.

George. You're not college material.

You were lucky to get through high school.

You see, mijo, the world is divided up into two kinds of people.

I would go on, but I bet I already lost you because of the math.

You know what, Bob? You're wrong about me.

I'm going to go back to school so I can set an example for my son.

I'm going to do all the stuff college kids do.

Protest stuff I don't understand, pull all -nighters. I'm going to go to

for spring break and take my top off because this co -ed has gone wild.

What's all that?

Carmen's filling out her application for the University of Michigan.

I was about to do the same for Valley Community College.

Carmen, we're both going to college at the same time? If I get in, Dad, this

application is crazy. They want my transcripts, test scores. It's like a

big thing.

I know it's tough, but we'll get through this together.

Please describe in detail the personal benefits you derive from your volunteer

work and or community service.

Have you ever been convicted of a felony?

What would that look like?

of all your college preparatory elective.

Have you taken an illegal substance in the last seven years?

Seven years.

Hey, sign it, date it, and fax it. It looks like I'm in.

Classes haven't even started and I'm way ahead of you.

Dad, you had one page to fill out.

Look, Carmen, I know we're going to competing schools, but let's not bring

rivalry into the house.

So, Max, your father's really doing it.

He's going to college.

No way.

I already filled out my application. Check it out.

You know, when I said that stuff at the assembly about how you didn't have to go

to college, it was just covering for the fact that I never went, okay? I was

over -consummating.

Over -consummating. Angie, I'm sorry, but college students use big words,

I don't want to make you feel inferior or anything.

Man, I never thought you'd actually go through with this.

Max, you made a deal with your dad. If he goes, you go.

You better get upstairs and study.

I'm so proud of you, honey.

Do you realize that this time next week, you'll be in your first college class?

What if I'm weighing over my head and I can't do the work?

Well, I'm sure the teacher will help you if you have any trouble.

You know what? That's what I'm going to do this time.

When I was in high school, I was afraid to ask questions because I didn't want

to look dumb.

So I just got by by making people laugh, you know, turning my eyelids inside

out, shoving pencils up my nose.

Wait a minute.

That's why you were acting like that on our honeymoon?

You had questions and you were afraid to ask for help?

I didn't need help.

I made a cheat sheet, but I didn't know that the lights were going to be all the

way up.

Hey, you.

George Lopez, class of 07.

Hey, can you take a picture of me with my camera phone? I want my son to see me

on my first day of college.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. I want them to know that learning is fun. Wait a minute.

Welcome to microeconomics. Please take your seats, everyone.

My name is Professor Tracy Lim.

I will be your instructor for this class.

We'll start with a brief overview of economic theories.

Come on, guys. Hey, if this is working, then these aren't.

Okay?

I expect more from one of my own, so I'll give up the sad, eh? Very sad.

Take it away, professor. I know where you live, too. I see your face.

In layman's terms, we'll be studying a branch of economic theory that delved

into the behavior of individual economic agents and their ramifications on the

globalized market.

Yes? I got a question about something that I didn't understand.

Oh, and which part was that?

Everything after in layman's terms.

It's hard. I'll tell you when you sign up and then you get here.

I see we have our funny man.

Oh, it's okay. You know, I like comedy, too.

Oh, this is one of my favorites.

Knock, knock.

Okay.

Who's there?

Be quiet. You're wasting everyone's time.

Be quiet. You're wasting everyone's time who?

See where we stand.

Who here knows the difference between inflation, recession, deflation,

depression?

Good, good.

Yes, what's the difference? Oh, I don't know the answer. I just have another

question.

Is it an economics question?

Yes. What is it? Is it too late for me to get my $28 back?

I'm not doing anything.

I saw you passing a note. Are you cheating?

No, I'm not, I swear.

Then maybe you'd like to share the note with the whole class.

Don't want to. Read it.

Do you think Professor Lim is hot? Circle yes or no.

Somebody passed it to me. I just made a circle.

You know, I would have respected you more if you were cheating.

Saskia, I'm going to change my answer to no. Forget you.