Original subtitles

Oh, man, those Christmas cookies smell great.

Here, Ernie, I saved this for you.

Look at him go.

This explains why he never got a second date with that girl that wore chocolate

lip gloss.

Well, good night.

Ernie, Ernie, slow down. You're going to chip a tooth.

Don't do it, Angie. Your hand smells like batter. You'll lose an arm.

Look, it's a Cuban Santa

Claus. He doesn't have a sleigh or reindeer. He's just got a raft pulled by

relatives.

I don't care what you say.

I'm in a great mood.

I just got off the phone with your sister.

For the first time, the entire Palmetto family will be in Miami for Christmas.

We're having a reunion.

This is so great. The whole family hasn't been together in years.

Angie, I can't take your whole family talking down to me. I thought we were

going to see your Aunt Claudia.

At least when she insults me, I can just turn down her oxygen tank. She falls

asleep.

You turned down my aunt's oxygen tank?

Of course not. What kind of person do you think I am? I just pinched the hose

little bit.

What are you worried about, George? You're a big success, man. Yeah, George.

don't know what you're worried about.

There'll be six doctors there, eight lawyers, two judges, a state senator,

one factory worker.

Maybe you can tell them what it's like to eat lunch from a truck.

Maybe you can tell them what it's like to lie about your age on your Internet

dating ad.

That's right. I went online.

I'm Juicy Maria 818.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Really? You get stood up for coffee last Saturday?

Damn it!

What about Jessica 1960?

I don't know. Show up at the park, take your chances.

Fine. I can take a joke.

By the way, you're sitting next to Catherine Ross at Christmas dinner.

She fell in the shower and she can only grunt now, so you two should hit it off.

Well, at least your grunts will make more sense than your English.

Would you two stop it?

George, you're going to have a good time in Miami.

Daddy, come help me finish the tree.

Man, this Christmas is going to be hell.

All those snobby relatives are going to treat me like crap. So what if I didn't

go to college?

So what if I worked in a factory? Does that make me less important than some

senator or a judge or a doctor? Hey, we're all equal in God's eyes.

Orale, Dalai Lama!

You know what?

I'm not going.

But it's Christmas.

You gotta be with your family.

They'll have a better time without me.

Angie will be with her relatives, and everybody will be happy to see their

There's no way that Angie's gonna be cool with this. I know.

That's why I'm gonna tell her that the Powers brothers are making me work on

Christmas Eve.

You're gonna lie to your wife on Christmas?

was built on lies to make people feel better.

What are you talking about?

All right.

It's probably time we had this conversation. Sit down.

You know how every year you give me your gift first? Mm -hmm. And then seconds

later, I end up giving you the exact same gift?

Well, that reminds me.

I got your Christmas gift.

What's that?

Two free rounds of golf at Ocean Pine.

Was that your place? Yeah.

This is great.

Ow.

What'd you get me?

You know, man, this is weird.

You know, this is the same as last year, like there's some strange connection

between us. That's the way you hang out.

I got you a free

round of golf at Ocean Pines!

How come you didn't get the two -for -one deal?

I use discounts on games that cheapens it.

Oh, God, dude, I feel terrible, man.

Here, you should have this back.

All right, well, as long as you learned a lesson. Yeah.

Damn it, Jack, this isn't fair.

How can you make me work on Christmas Eve?

I'm going to Miami with my family, and there's nothing that you can say?

Oh, it's you. Where the hell is your mom?

She's coming.

Is your... you keep empty no um it's hot in miami all my clothes are linen but

it really feels like there's nothing in here you're curious about everything and

you gotta take a test huh get in the car damn it jack this isn't fair

how can you make me work on christmas eve i am going to miami with my family

there's nothing that you can say where the hell is your mom she's coming

Anything in here?

Are you crazy?

Carmen, now when security asks me if anybody had on my bag, I have to say

You put the whole trip in jeopardy. Get in the car.

These kids, you can't leave nothing without touching everything.

Damage check, this isn't fair. How can you make me work on Christmas Eve? I am

going to Miami with my family, and there's nothing that you can say that

stop me.

Except that.

I didn't know people's jobs were in danger.

Well, this is unexpected.

All right.

I'll be there. All right!

I'll be there.

What's going on?

You didn't get it from that?

What?

I can't go to Miami, Ang. I gotta work.

On Christmas Eve?

No. No way. I'm calling Jack.

He said that there was a big screw -up with the Boeing order, and if we don't

get this stuff out, we're going to lose the contract and people are going to get

laid off.

Doc?

I know, but what am I supposed to do?

I guess I have to call Aunt Claudia and tell her that we can't come to Miami. If

you have to work, then we're going to stay here with you. No, Angie, look.

I don't want you to miss your family reunion.

Just because my Christmas is going to be ruined doesn't mean that yours should

be.

George Lopez, sometimes you surprise me. Just when I was about to have a talk

with you about being selfish, you do something like this.

You know, this is the holidays. We shouldn't be critical of each other.

Well, talk about how judgmental you are after the new year.

Unless you can work on it by then, but I'm not holding my breath.

Are you sure you're going to be okay? I mean...

Spending Christmas alone? You won't even have your mom because she's gambling in

Reno. Angie, I'm going to be fine. Look at it this way.

You seeing your family on Christmas is my gift to you. Huh? Let's open it

together.

This is a really sweet thing you're doing.

Jeff, know the whole time you're gone, I'll be thinking of you, baby, okay?

I miss you already.

doing with your golf club i'm throwing a tantrum because i can't be with my

family on christmas why should i have to suffer why me it'll be okay dad

thanks i never thought of it like that you better go now max because i feel the

darkness coming back okay be a good boy all right okay bye -bye now

Then I played a little golf, went to a movie, smoked a cigar, and organized all

the tools in my garage. Asked me where my hammer is. Where? By the front door

right there with the little outline, black.

Dan, you got a lot done.

Finish it up. You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here.

It's only six. Why are they closing?

Dude, it's Christmas Eve.

Everybody's got to go home to their families. Not us. We're going out. Two

bachelors, just like back in the day.

Actually, I can't. I got to go to Bakersfield. We're going to spend

with my Tia Lencha.

Well, Lencha, wasn't she that teacher that got fired for having an affair with

14 -year -old student?

Yeah, but it's not that weird. You know, he's tall for his age, and she really

doesn't look like she's in her 50s.

I bet they wouldn't have got caught if she hadn't have gone to the prom.

You gonna be all right here by yourself?

Me? Are you kidding? You know my mom never celebrated Christmas.

I'm used to spending it alone.

I kind of like it now.

Okay, then. I'm going. All right.

You sure you're going to be okay?

Yeah, man, I'm going to be fine.

Get out of here. All right.

Hey, Merry Christmas. Okay, Merry Christmas. Hey, call me all you want

got a lot of holiday minutes.

Seriously,

man, we're closed.

Okay, I'm out of here.

Hey, you know, if you're not doing anything, man, you want to go catch a

movie. It's Christmas Eve. I'm spending it with my family.

Don't you have anyone?

Yeah, but I lied and said that I had to work so I wouldn't have to spend time

with my wife's family. They look down on me. I wonder why they look down on a

liar who spends Christmas Eve in a bar.

All right.

The truth is I'm a Christmas angel. Send down here to see if you'd be kind to a

stranger and guess what? You failed.

So good luck driving home on the icy roads tonight.

This is L .A.

Yeah, that's right. This is L .A., the city of angels, where miracles can

for those who believe.

Watch out.

Want me to call you, Ted? Yeah, that would be nice.

What are you doing here? You're supposed to be gambling.

Oh, I got kicked out of the casino.

Apparently, Tony Orlando doesn't like to have panties thrown at him.

You went to a Tony Orlando concert?

No, he was playing blackjack.

Hey, what are you doing home?

I didn't go to Miami.

Hey, look, now that you're here, you don't have to steal my tequila. Why

we just hang out?

Oh, wow, George, that sounds like a lot of fun, but I gotta get to work.

I'm your boss.

I know the factory's closed. You're lying to me.

Do I have to make up another one or are you going to let me off the hook?

Why don't we just spend the holidays together and have a good time for once?

Yeah, you know what?

You're right, George.

I'm just going to go get some smokes out of the car and we'll finally have that

Christmas you wanted.

I'm going to hear your car peeling out, aren't I?

George.

Please, it's Christmas.

I'm just going to coast down the hill and pop the clutch. You won't hear a

thing.

Merry Christmas, Mommy.

Angie, what are you doing? We talked about this.

Carmen's sleeping.

Before you get mad, the tree was half -priced. I told you we don't have money

waste on a Christmas tree.

I'm sorry. This is what normal people do on Christmas.

My mom used to have a tree in every room and decorate each one with a different

theme. We were poor, so we had our own Christmas traditions.

Every Christmas, see, but...

Sneak into the living room, hang my sock on the fireplace.

Then my shirt and my pants, because we didn't have a dryer.

Honey, I know.

I know you had it rough. But it's time to start our own tradition.

It's your daughter's first Christmas. We should make it special.

She's not going to remember any of this, Angie.

She's three months old. She hasn't even smiled yet.

What, so Christmas means nothing to you?

No. It means double time at the factory. That's why I signed on for another

shift.

You're working on Christmas Eve?

Angie. You should want to be with your family.

Angie, look.

What? Angie, Carmen's smiling.

Her first smile.

She likes the light.

That or it's gas.

No, it's the light.

I'm happy we were able to see her first smile together.

You know what? I'm going to call the factory and get out of my shift.

I want to be with my family on Christmas Eve.

I'm okay.

I can handle this.

I like being alone.

We can all sing one together. I'll be like that.

Jingle bell, jingle bell.

We got other houses to get to. Look, I'll make hot chocolate and get a candy

cane. We can all stir it. It'll be fun.

Kids, get in the van.

This is not a drill.

Where are you guys going?

Not alone, I got TV.

TV's all I've ever had and TV's all I've ever needed.

It always cheers me up.

Do holidays make you depressed?

Shut up.

One final touch and I'll have a friend for Christmas.

Perfect timing. My scotch was getting warm.

Why are you crying?

I made a big, stupid mistake this morning.

Come on, George.

The whole family is going to help Santa deliver toys.

Sorry,

but I have a lot of work to do. You know, put the tools away in the toy

clean out the reindeer barn.

I don't know what Santa's feeding Blitzen, but I know how he got his name.

Buckle up, my pointed -eared friend.

It's showtime.

Bye, honey.

Bye, Dad.

Bye. I lied because I thought it'd be fun to smoke cigars and hang out by

myself.

But now I'm lonely.

Will you be my friend?

No, I have a date with a big jolly guy in a red suit who likes me to bounce on

his lap.

But Santa's out delivering presents.

Who said anything about Santa?

All alone on Christmas Eve, why'd I let my family leave?

Tis a season without glee, woe is, woe is, woe is me.

I need to be on the first flight to Miami.

I know it's Christmas Eve. Look, I don't care what it costs, okay?

First class, full price, whatever.

I just need to see my family.

How much?

What if I told you that my mom died and I'm going to her funeral?

It's still that much?

Actually, I just need to send my mom's Great Dane to the funeral.

You don't look in those crates, do you?

Here's my death certificate.

I have to say, I never thought I would see my son try to get a cheaper airline

ticket with a funeral scam.

I'm proud of you, George.

Where did you get this anyway?

Oh. I got it when I went to Graceland. I just whited out Elvis' name.

Well, thank you very much, Mama.

Hey, honey.

Angie! Merry Christmas!

Oh, my God, I don't believe it. You guys are home.

I can't believe it.

I wanted to call you from the airport, but the kids wanted to surprise you.

Look, and I was going to surprise you guys, too. I was going to fly to Miami

because I missed you guys so much.

And then you left, and the penguin went to sleep with Santa, and the carolers

came over, but I wasn't wearing any pants.

Oh, my God. This is Grandma's death certificate.

Dad killed Grandma, and now he's drunk and celebrating.

No, I was going to use it to get a cheaper flight.

Look, I realize that I never want to spend Christmas without my family again.

The beautiful thing is that you all felt the same way and flew all the way back

to be with me.

Or... the storm in Chicago and our flight to Miami was canceled. Max!

It doesn't matter. This is meant to be.

This is our Christmas miracle.

The Lopez family is back together.

Anna, we can stop the storm in Chicago.

Over.

Anna, cover blown.

Code red.

Get me out!