Original subtitles

Sleep in heavenly peace.

Okay, love.

George, you have to hear this. We're hipping up the Christmas music to

younger people to the church.

Come on, Angie. I want you guys to be practicing. I got a lot of work to do.

We've only got one more song.

Well, hurry up. I don't need to be listening to that stuff in my own house.

The angel did say, what do certain poor

shepherds in fields as they lay? Break it down, y 'all.

In fields as they lay. Keeping their sheep on a pole with a knife that was so

deep.

You have the power to stop this.

you think about New South, George?

Tell me the truth.

I think it's great, Father.

Forgive me, Father, for I have just lied.

So, we'll rehearse here again next Wednesday, Father.

Do you mind, George?

Father, I want to do whatever Angie wants to do.

Say,

have you two ever considered doing some marriage counseling?

I don't think so, Father. I think once the kids are out of the house, we'll

a way to make it work again.

No, no, no. I meant counseling other couples.

Because I think you two have one of the strongest relationships in the

congregation. Oh, George, and I would love to help out, Father.

See, you always do this, all right?

Don't just jump at it, Angie. How much does it pay? George!

It's only five Mondays, George.

I don't think so, Father. I'm pretty busy at work. I mean, I know you've

the vow of poverty, but I can't wear the same clothes to work every day.

That's too bad, George, because my sermon this Sunday was going to be

the Church.

And I have one more opening.

All right, I'll do it, Father. But under one condition.

I don't want to sit on the wooden pews. I like a soft chair with a cup holder

like at the movies.

I cannot do that, George.

We'll be there, Father. You're going to do it again, huh?

Okay, if I can't have the chair, how about if you put me in the background of

one of the stained glass windows? How about as a waiter at the Last Supper,

I'm the only one that knows what Judith is up to. He's sitting right there, and

I'm like this.

Okay, next topic.

Very important.

Dealing with finances.

Oh, we haven't really talked about that.

Well...

It's the number one cause of divorce.

You want to tell them how we share financial responsibility?

Love conquers everything.

I balance the checkbook while George handles our savings.

Yeah, but with all the checks she writes, I don't have to worry about any

savings.

You see, humor is very important in a marriage.

What's going on?

Benny, this is Andrew and Tina. We're doing premarital counseling for them.

Holy crap.

You're giving marriage advice?

Where are you going after this?

A driving lesson with Stevie Wonder?

Enjoy your smoke, Mother.

your relations with your future in -laws?

Both our parents passed away.

Congratulations.

Okay, do you plan on having children?

Yes.

Are you planning on working after having children? No, I want to stay home and

raise the kids.

That's what I did. It's the hardest job you can ever have.

Yeah, it's the hardest job you can ever have.

See, I work in a factory. That's easy.

When my boss is screaming at me, I just put him on my boob to suckle.

It shuts him right up. That's okay. That's okay. The budget can wait.

I'm not saying what you do isn't hard, but we agreed that a healthy marriage is

a 50 -50 partnership. Isn't that right?

Absolutely.

That's what you said, and that's what I agreed to.

You know what? Your workbook has more material on finances. We should move on

the next topic, which is intimacy.

Okay. I think I got it from here.

Welcome to my schoolhouse, where the very best grade you can get is bad. And

mean very bad.

It's not written right there, but just remember, although the freaks come out

night.

Why don't we talk about this separately, huh?

All right, Andrew, come with me.

Remember, the key to intimacy isn't facts. It's about listening to your

and responding to her needs.

The one way to true intimacy is... Look.

Just light candles and hug her when it's over, man. Let's just watch TV.

How do you know if you really satisfied your wife in bed?

Take it easy, man.

Relax, all right?

There's books and tapes on this stuff.

Are there any you recommend?

Well, dude, I don't need them because I don't care. I'm a natural.

Oh, cool. You got the game on. Hey, Ernie, this is Andrew, the guy that's

getting married that I told you about. Oh, congratulations.

So, um, what have you learned so far?

have to talk about finances.

Humor's important, and it's a partnership. You've got to share the

But you always complain that you do more work, like it's 80 -20.

Mr. Lopez, you agreed with your wife it was 50 -50.

You agree with your wife that it's 50 -50?

I said what I did in there because this counseling stuff is like traffic school.

All right? You just got to get through it.

Lying is part of marriage.

All right? And you can trust me on that because I'm a hero of the church.

But I thought you were supposed to be completely honest with your wife all the

time.

I'm sorry. Are you the counselor and I'm the guy that doesn't know how to

satisfy his wife?

That was a little harsh.

Look, I can't let you go into this with your eyes closed. You have unrealistic

expectations. All right? I love my wife. I respect her. But I do more of the

work.

Listen up, rookie. Here's my day, okay? I'm up at 6. I bring in the paper. I

take out the trash.

Then I go to work for 10 hours and come home to a list of chores.

Here's my wife's day. She makes a list of chores.

And I don't know what... else she does, but apparently it's just so exhausting.

Man, 80, 20.

I'm working overtime as it is. I don't know if I can handle anymore.

Well, you got the rings and the tux.

Maybe you can figure it out as you walk down the aisle.

Can I have a beer?

Yeah, man, they're in the fridge. Help yourself.

You know, it's funny. I didn't even want to do this counseling stuff, but I

think that I'm really good at it.

Hey, maybe you could help me with my dating problems.

Dude, I just talk to people, but I don't have magical powers.

it's actually dream weaver and it's one of my favorites it's in the garage what

is going on andrew said that you told him that your

marriage wasn't 50 50 then you do all the work and all that she does is make

lists of more work for you to do george

tina do whatever you can to get that man back because he really listens

You went to find Andrew to work this out.

Why would you tell him all that crap?

I had no idea he was going to call off the wedding.

Congratulations, George.

You have ruined one relationship and severely damaged another.

Which one are we?

Do you really think you do more than me?

Angie, I'm just saying that with my job at the factory and everything I do

around the house, I got a lot on my plate.

The only reason there's anything on your plate is because I do all the cooking.

And I drive the kids around, and I clean the house, and run a business on the

side.

I'm not saying that you don't have busy mornings.

Dammit, I work all day.

Sorry, okay, I know, I know.

All right?

Sometimes I take for granted everything you do around here.

By the way, what was on Oprah yesterday?

It was about clueless husbands who don't realize

that wives can do housework and watch TV at the same time.

Sounds a little convenient, but okay.

Look, what does it matter who does more? This isn't a contest, Angie. We're not

keeping score.

Let's have a contest and keep score.

You don't want to do this, Angie.

Why? Are you afraid when we add it all up, I'll prove I do a lot more than your

golf -playing, TV -watching, cigar -smoking, lazy butt?

Okay.

Just like the TV in this house in the afternoon, it's on!

Whoever loses has to do all the winner's chores for a month.

All right, we need a point system.

I think work around the house should be worth five points.

Anything with the kid, ten.

Anything having to do with our jobs, five points an hour.

What about all the other stuff that we do for each other?

Like what?

Well, last night I think I earned a good 30 points.

And by the way, you're welcome.

I'm going to give myself five points for that.

Why should you get the point? Because I consider that a household chore.

Really?

Because you don't make faces like that when you're folding socks.

What? I said it's on.

your dad. Don't worry about it.

Now go clean your room.

Hey, where have you guys been?

Dad took me to that new skate park. It was awesome.

We had the best time, didn't we, son?

I love you. Give me a hug.

Here's that candy bar you asked for, honey bear.

I wanted your mom to see this.

Just fed him lunch. Ten more.

A candy bar does not count as lunch.

Well, I don't think that tuna sandwich you made me counted as lunch either.

But I still gave you the points all night. I was like...

I just listened to Carmen's boy troubles. That's ten for me.

Just for listening to her troubles? No way.

She's still upset.

You want to go upstairs and help her deal with her feelings?

Take your stinking points.

Hey, where's Max?

I promised him I couldn't listen.

He's inside, Daddy.

Hey, Vic.

Tell me how you learned to play back in Cuba, because I'd love to hear that

story.

Well...

I was six when I learned the rhythm of the island.

An old fisherman who lived down the road in a shack, Pepe the Conguero,

saw my hands and knew that I had the gift.

If we both have to listen to the story, we both get the point.

One day,

On Pepper's deathbed.

Yeah, yeah, he died at the end, very sad. Oh, laundry must be done. Five

for me.

What are these points you two are talking about?

Angie and I are fighting about which one of us does more work around here, so we

decided to keep score.

Are you crazy?

This is not a contest you can win.

Actually, it looks like I can't lose. She's behind 60 points.

No, no, no, no. Listen to me.

When I was with Emelina, I always had to be the superior one.

I made her feel like she wasn't important.

Then one day, she left me for someone who made her feel like she was.

Look, Angie's not going to leave me over this.

I didn't think Amelina was going to leave me either.

When a woman feels unappreciated, it's the beginning of something more serious.

Look, Angie thinks we do the same amount of work around here and we don't. So

what? Let her think that.

George, seems like a small price to pay for a lifetime of happiness.

I guess you're right.

I'd rather make Angie happy than end up sad and lonely like you.

Okay, five o 'clock.

Ready to do this?

Yep, I just need to add up my school.

Well, looks like their contest is finally over.

What contest?

Max, haven't you noticed? Mom and Dad are trying to prove who does more so

get points whenever they spend time with us.

What?

How long has this been going on?

Since you were three.

Okay.

You go first.

I had 90 points.

Oh, man, I had 90 points, too.

It's a tie. You were right. Our marriage is 50 -50.

That means that we're both important and I appreciate you and you can never

leave me.

You didn't let me finish.

I had 90 points up until today.

Plus another 30. That means I have 120 total, which means I kicked your

butt. Oh, yeah.

Is that you feel important?

Oh, no.

What's important is that you start doing my chores.

Get busy, Mrs. Lopez.

Look, I won, damn it.

Sure you did. I said we tried to protect our marriage, but I don't care about

our marriage anymore. I won.

Oh, yeah?

Prove it.

It's right here.

I just need some tape in a couple hours.

I wouldn't take too long with that. You've got to get dinner started.

Look, Angie, who cares about who won or who lost, huh?

I've got to admit something to you.

All that stuff that you do around here, especially the stuff with the kids, I

didn't realize it was so hard, and I should have never taken you for granted.

love you so much.

Come on. Honey.

Oh.

Nice try.

Now I've got a game to watch.

Wear something sexy when you vacuum.

I can't. Those bicycle shorts wore out. The string came out and when I peddled

it...

Not now. My girl's on.

Who are you talking about? Oprah.

She found this woman who was chained in the basement for eight years.

And now she's paying her way through law school.

And I'm pretty sure everyone in the audience is getting scooters.

But they don't know it.

Well, my meeting's going to run late tonight, so I don't think I'll be home

dinner.

George?

Something wrong?

Is there something wrong?

My hair.

I got it cut two days ago. You haven't said a word. I don't know why I tried.

I'm sorry.

I've just been so busy.

Just go.

Okay.