Original subtitles

I can't stand living with Gina anymore. She's driving me crazy.

Last night she came home drunk with a guy and they started getting busy on the

couch.

She kept you up?

No.

I was doing the same thing.

What I'm trying to say is I need my own apartment.

Go get one. You got money saved.

Yeah, but I don't have enough yet.

Look. I know you're throwing me a party at the factory for working there 40

years, so why don't you just cancel it and give me the cash?

Okay.

There you go, sir.

I worked like a dog my whole life, and all you're going to give me is a $40

party?

That's not right. Give me $20 back.

Fine. I'll just take my gift and go.

Oh, heads off, Bat. That's Angie's birthday present.

And you don't need a cashmere sweater.

Nature already gave you a furry coat and matching pants.

Hey, why are you giving Angie her present now?

Her birthday's not till next week.

What? Today's her birthday. You're messing with me.

I'm just trying to help you out. But, you know, it's your call.

Man, if I don't get this right, I'm going to get the stink face for a week.

You better think fast.

Hide this.

Morning, honey.

Morning, baby.

I want you to know that I am going to take you someplace very special for your

birthday next week.

My birthday is today.

Happy birthday, Angie.

Angie, that's my gift. I was about to give you that.

Yeah, right.

Angie, she stole my gift.

Don't give me the stink face. She deserves a stink face.

A stink face?

That's right. You don't know what I call it, then.

Just forget it.

Thank you, Benny.

You're welcome.

This isn't over, Mom. I'll get you for this. Oh, come on. It's not my fault you

can't remember a birthday.

Yes, it is, because we never celebrated any of my birthdays.

That is not true.

What about that time you were little and I gave you that big party at the park?

You know, we had a barbecue and fireworks and everything.

That was the Fourth of July.

So who wants to get the ball rolling? Now, who's got a story about my mom?

I'll go first.

Angie, this is a roast. It's kind of not your thing.

Oh, yeah?

Watch this.

What can I say about Benny?

She's a pistol.

Every year, she gives me the same present for Christmas.

Nothing.

Your only way out of this is to dance offstage.

That's stupid. Is your next joke funnier than that one?

A few words about my new roommate.

Not many people know this, but Benny is a very spiritual person.

Why else would she take off for Christmas, Hanukkah, Ramadan,

Kwanzaa?

These are the jokes, people.

Okay, moving on.

All right, we have a real special treat.

We're going to go back in time.

Way back. It's 1965.

And the new worker has just joined the Powers Brothers.

Benita Lopez!

You

know

what? I need a smoke and a beer.

Forward to the 80s.

You know what? I need a smoke and a beer.

You might as well flag me now. There's about to be an illegal use of hands.

You're in a good mood.

I'm guessing your mom wasn't at work again today.

Nope. Five days in a row.

The factory floor is like Oz after they kill the witch.

People are singing. They're happy.

I got courage.

Aren't you worried about her?

No. She's taking personal days to look for an apartment.

Well, I think that stunt you pulled at the factory really hurt her feelings.

Hey, I was just getting back at her for making me miss your birthday. I actually

remembered this year.

Even if she did trick you, what you did to her was way out of line.

Sometimes you can be so insensitive.

You're just too sensitive because you didn't grow up Lopez.

We're hard. We can take anything.

Yeah, right.

You don't believe me?

Watch this.

Hey, Max.

The owls called. They're done nesting. About time you can cut your hair.

Cindy Porter said I have big ears.

If I cut my hair, she'll never love me.

Oh, wait.

Little pig knows Cindy Porter?

Get your hair out of your eyes. She's nasty.

I like nasty.

Oh, hey, Benny. You want to talk to George?

Okay, if that's what you want.

I'll be right over.

What does she want?

She wants me to pick her up some extra strength aspirin. Is she thick?

I don't know.

She kept saying she doesn't want to see you.

Honey, you really hurt her feelings. You need to go over there and apologize to

your mom.

What? You think she's still that upset about what I did? Yes.

Just imagine what it's like to be an aging woman in a society obsessed with

beauty. Always thinking about gaining weight.

Noticing every wrinkle.

Finding hairs in places that they just don't belong.

I gotta tell you, I'm not as turned on as I was when I first walked in here.

Are you going or what?

Yes, I'm going.

But I want you to know something.

It's not easy being an aging male in this society either.

I've got to worry about becoming more and more distinguished looking. Why

you say hello?

So, um, is that what those lines are around your mouth? Distinguished

Well, what lines? I moisturize every morning.

Mr. George Lopez.

I can't say I didn't see this coming.

Gina, I'm here to see my mom.

Oh, I get it.

The cat and mouse game continues.

Benny!

Meow.

George!

I told Angie I wanted her to come over. Hey, did you bring the aspirin?

Yeah, that's right. What's wrong with you anyway?

I had a minor procedure done.

What are you talking about?

Tell me if you notice anything different.

Oh, my

God, Mom, you swallowed a bouncy

house.

What are you whispering for?

She has some swelling.

She's going to need about 200 more bottles.

What?

Look, I've got to warn you.

My mom's got a new set of chi -chis.

You're going to see them walk through that door any second, and my mom about a

minute later.

She got breast implants?

Now, these are more than implants.

The cast of Lost is trying to find a way out the right one.

The left one is hosting the Winter Olympics.

Oh, Carmen, Max, listen.

Your grandma's going to be walking to that door any second, okay? She's going

look a little different. So don't stare and don't ask any questions.

No, that's okay.

The kids are old enough to hear the truth.

Kids, there comes a time in every woman's life when her body starts to

and that's natural, and it's good.

Unless your son points it out to everyone at work.

Then you can cry, or you can go out and buy yourself another set of sweater

puppies.

Your puppies are crushing the garlic bread.

I'm sorry.

Whoa.

We're still a little numb.

Grandma, you're just objectifying yourself to please men.

Exactly. Thanks for understanding.

Hello. Hello, everyone.

Angie, got the wine.

Ay, Dios mio.

Mira esas bombas atómicas.

No, no, I mean I love what you've done with your hair.

Have you noticed her breasts?

Kid, give us a minute. We need to talk to your grandmother.

Mom, did you do this because of what I said at the factory?

I did.

You made a fool out of me, George, but no one is ever going to make fun of my

body again.

Benny, how could you afford those?

Well, I spent the money I was saving up for my new apartment.

I may not be able to get a place of my own, but at least I'll look hot.

So you think those... Those are what men really want?

Why don't you ask your dad? He hasn't taken his eyes off them since he got

I'm only viewing them as a doctor.

And what is the good doctor's opinion?

Oh, they're yummy.

Daddy!

I'm older now, and I say what I like.

And I like it.

George, you know, I want to ask you something.

Now that you had time to get used to these, what do you really think of my

breath?

They look nice.

That's what I thought.

lied to her.

She looks ridiculous.

You have to tell your mom she made a mistake.

Look, Angie, I'm the reason she made the mistake in the first place.

Can't open my mouth and hurt her feelings again.

Well, what about tomorrow when she goes to work? You know people are going to

make fun of her. No, they're not because I'm a protector.

I'm going to keep her safe and away from any sharp objects.

I hate to have those things pop and have her fly around the room like a cartoon.

So to recap, jokes about someone's physical appearance could be considered

sexual harassment, no matter how large they are. You'll see what I mean.

Morning, everyone.

Sorry I'm late. I couldn't decide what to watch on TV, HBO, Cinemax, or

Showtime.

Golly.

Golly to that one, too.

All right.

I've heard from Ernie.

What do the real men think?

They love him, but they can't say anything because that would be

sexual harassment. Now, everyone back to work.

You heard me. Back to work.

There's something about you and your bark orders.

Unwelcome.

Oh, wait a second, George. I want to hear what the guys are saying.

Man, can you believe she actually thinks she looks good?

I know. It's sad.

What's the point of putting new headlights on a car that's already

Sorry about that, Mom.

Do these really look that ridiculous?

Yeah, they do.

Why didn't you say something before you could have told me at the house? I can't

believe you let me walk in here looking like this.

I didn't want to hurt your feelings again.

Yeah.

Great job with that.

Why don't you get something more natural looking in the first place? Oh, I

wanted to. But that doctor was worse than a car salesman. I'm surprised there

isn't a CD changer in me somewhere.

Can't you get them taken out or reduced?

No, I can't change anything, George. I don't have any more money.

I am stuck looking like this. And it's all your fault.

It's a lot.

Mom, what can I do?

Nothing. Unless you want to give me the money to change these, which you won't.

All right, what if I did?

Yeah, right.

Mom, look, it's my fault, all right?

I'm going to give you the money.

Well, it's the least you can do.

I'm going to give you a ride to the doctor's tomorrow, okay? Don't worry,

everything's going to be okay.

I'll drive slow over the speed bumps. I wouldn't want you to knock yourself out.

Hey, what did the doctor say?

Well, we agreed on the size.

And I'm having the breast reduction next week.

Yeah, it's all good. I'll be in the garage.

What? Why do you sound like that?

You're gonna have to show her sooner or later, princess.

Oh, no.

What happened to you?

Well, that doctor... was pretty convincing.

He talked George into getting a Botox shot to get rid of the wrinkles around

mouth.

Is that true?

He said I'd look younger.

Please tell me this is not permanent.

No, no, no. The nerves are paralyzed just for a couple of days.

This is all your fault for pointing out my wrinkles in the first place.

What? I said...

Well, George, now that I've got your cash, there's something I want you to

Mom, what are you doing?

Oh, yeah.

Finally, the real twins can breathe.

No man needs more than what I got anyway.

What? You faked it?

Yes, elephant man.

I faked the whole... thing. You don't ever, ever humiliate me at work again.

But you actually went to the doctor.

Yeah, and I went last week, too. That's when he gave me those babies to test

drive.

Well, did you tell him to give me a bad bowtie stat?

No, George, that was icing on the cake.

Wait a minute. The money I gave you for the surgery, Mom, I want that back. Oh,

that's the best part. I already spent it on my new apartment.

That's what you get for making fun of me.

Hey, you know what?

I need a smoke and a beer.

How

you

doing?

It's getting better. I can feel my lip.

Don't take this the wrong way, but can you skip our meeting tomorrow with Max's

special ed teacher?

Hey, are you embarrassed of me?

Then prove it, Angie. Kiss me.

Kiss me.

No.

I'm not a monster.

Okay.

But if I'm going to do this, you have to close your eyes.

than usual.