Original subtitles

George, when you're done working on Carmen's car, can you help me with the

Halloween decorations?

Yeah, sure. There's just so much dust in the garage.

Oh, my God, my eye!

Look at me, I'm a idiot!

Lame. Grow up, Dad.

You're not buying it, George.

I can see that.

Mom, get in the Halloween spirit.

What's your costume going to be this year?

I don't think I'm going out this year.

What? Are you sure? You know, once you stop, you can never go back.

I'm too old. I'm almost 14.

George went out trick -or -treating until he was 17.

That's different. I needed the food.

And the neighbors knew they had to. Who gives a kid a whole frozen pizza?

You know what my favorite costume of yours was?

The one when you were nine years old. Don't go there, Mom.

It's a great story, kid. I'm serious. Drop it. Oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't realize you felt so strongly about this.

It was Halloween night, 1975, and I told George he was going out as Mr.

Fancy.

Who's Mr. Fancy?

Oh, no, I just made that up to trick him.

Think about this, kids, okay? I put him in a little black hat with white gloves,

a big fake mustache, and I painted his lips red.

All of that on his big brown head.

Huh?

Mr. Potato Head!

Is that funny?

Walked around with lipstick all night trying to convince everybody I was Mr.

Fancy.

Then Mr. Perkins down the street saw me and said he was fancy, too, and welcome

to the club.

Oh, come on. Everyone knew you were Mr.

Potato Head.

Well, that's why the whole neighborhood started calling you Spud.

Well, I've grown that, okay? It doesn't bother me anymore.

Whatever you say, Spud.

Are you sure you want to go there? Because I could tell everybody that

the mall thought you were a girl, Maxine. Watch the heck out.

George. Well, he needs a haircut.

And nobody calls me spuds. I'll be in the garage.

Okay, your father's a little upset.

We should give him some time to calm down.

Or we can play the best Halloween prank on him ever.

Mac, go get your snake. Yeah, let's make him scream. Then we'll know who the

real girl is.

George,

kids have something they want to say to you. Dad, um...

We're sorry.

We think it's really cool that you still try to scare us on Halloween.

It's just that we're getting older and you can't fool us anymore.

Yeah, I guess you're right. You guys are too smart.

Shouldn't even try anymore.

Those days are gone, huh?

Look, I got a lot of work to do. Oh, no problem. We'll get dinner ready.

How could you not notice me?

I don't know. How did all those girls in your high school not notice you?

They noticed me. You don't say, stop following me, loser, if you don't know

behind you.

Hey, listen, Friday night I'm having the girls over to play poker, so I'm going

to need the garage.

Sorry, I'm still working on Carmen's car.

Well, then we'll use the kitchen.

No. You know Angie doesn't want you and your girlfriend smoking in here. Just go

to one of their places.

But Friday night everyone plays poker at my house.

And since my place is burned down, this is my house. No, this is my house.

Look around.

Do you see dirty ashtrays, beer cans, and a naked guy who looks ashamed?

Trust me, George. I know it's yours.

I can't have any of my friends over. And every time I cuss in front of those

kids, I have to put another dollar in the swear jar.

Yesterday it cost me twenty...

I sound like a freaking nun.

Look, I know the rules sound like a bunch of bull duty, but gosh darn it,

get used to it.

Hey! I thought you were working late. Yeah, but everyone cut out to go to

Thirsty's and celebrate the big order.

What big order?

We just got a shipment of 81 tires that just came in. That means we're making

more landing gear, which means more overtime.

Cha -ching!

I didn't order 81 tires. I ordered 18.

Why can't that stupid supplier do his job right? It says right on my paperwork

that I ordered 81 tires. Well, done is done.

It's your dyslexia. You reversed the numbers, didn't you?

Don't beat yourself up, George.

We just got a huge order. Nobody's going to care about your little mistake.

Ernie, there is no huge order. I screwed up and ordered a bunch of extra tires.

How can I be so stupid?

I remember the first time you asked me that, you were 13.

That's 31 to you.

Way to go, spuds.

Oh, man.

She just treated you like she did when we were kids.

No, she didn't.

Yeah, she even flicked you in the head and everything. Don't you remember? No,

you think it was somebody else.

No, that was you, because I remember it like it was yesterday.

Look, I'm not going to remember this.

Come on, George.

You be sitting at the table doing your homework.

What am I doing? Don't look up in the distance. Oh, no.

Mom! You're supposed to be in your room doing your homework.

There's a rat in there.

What? Oh, I set a trap yesterday.

I got hungry last night and ate the cheese. Sorry.

What did I say about knocking?

That you'd be fully within your rights as a homeowner to shoot me if I don't.

Oh, hey, before I forget, there's a guy coming from the gas company tomorrow

with the bill.

You know what to do.

Yeah. No hablo ingles, senor. Yo tengo TB.

Hey, George, when I was getting beat up on the bus today, they shoved my head

between two seats and I found your math test in there. That was lucky, huh?

You got an F in math.

Way to go, thug.

I really tried this time, Mom.

This is going to stay on the fridge until you bring in a better grade.

That's the only way you'll learn.

Jeez, George.

God gave you that big head but a little brain.

Sometimes when you walk downstairs, it sounds like somebody's shaking a can of

spray paint.

I'll show her. I'll get an A, and then she'll have to apologize and take me out

for ice cream and pizza.

And I'm going to play center field for the Dodgers and marry Farrah Fawcett.

I like it when we play pretend.

Oh, Farrah Fawcett and the Dodgers.

Golly, we had some crazy dreams, didn't we?

I just wanted an A in a bedroom without little rat pellets everywhere.

So, what do you guys think?

like this.

George, what do you think?

And careful, if I don't like your answer, I'll have to cuff you and take

downtown.

Yeah, that's fine.

Fine?

I've been at the gym every day for three months to fit into this, and it's just

fine? Hey, I did the crime. Make me do the time.

I got it. You like it, Ernie.

George, what's the matter?

My mom's treating me like crap.

I'm sorry, honey, but your mom always treats you like crap. Why are you

it get to you? Because this is different.

I mean, she's doing stuff to me she did when I was a kid.

If it bothers you that much, you should talk to her.

No, forget it. That's only going to make it worse.

Betty, we need to talk.

What did I just say? Why do you always have to get involved?

Because she took a note to protect and serve.

She's one of L .A.'s finest.

I'm all via thirsty.

So, it's come to this.

You're working bachelor parties.

Benny, George has some issues with you, and I think we should sit down and air

them out like adults. George, sit. What are you talking about?

What did Benny do to make you so upset?

She turned the lights off on me.

I wanted to save electricity.

I know it costs you more money for me to be staying here.

Well, that kind of makes sense.

Yeah, well, she flicked me in the head and she called me Spuds.

Fanny? That's how I show affection.

I'm sorry if I'm not the biggest hugger in the world.

Anything else?

It doesn't matter. You don't get it. Oh, I think I do.

Since you guys are living together again, it's bringing up old issues. But

you don't talk about this stuff, little misunderstandings can become big

resentments. Yeah, you'd be a great cop in interrogation. If I tell you that I'm

the Zodiac Killer, will you just please stop talking?

I was going to do undercover work tonight, but forget it.

You can't come to me to complain.

You got to run to the man of the house.

You're treating me like a kid. If I were treating you like a kid, George, I

would circle the mistake on your inventory. I would give you an F.

And I would put this on the fridge until you come home with a better report.

Hey, take that down. No.

I think someone needs to work a little harder.

From now on, TV goes off at 8.

Look, you don't do that in front of my kids, all right? I need to be respected

in this house.

Max, look at this other report. Daddy spelled hydraulics right. No, not that

one.

That's one.

He threw the ball. Okay, relax your grip. Keep your left arm straight.

You can keep your cool and you're cutting open a human heart, but golfing

backyard is too much pressure?

You don't understand.

If I hook one into a sand trap tomorrow at the hospital benefit, I will be

laughed at by a male nurse.

That's like you being mocked by a, uh, well, I don't know what's beneath you,

let's say, a homeless man.

Dick, I know you're worried you're going to be humiliated at this tournament,

but just remember this.

You suck, and I'm not helping you no more.

and I are going to Carmen's poetry reading.

Oh, man, do I have to go?

No, you don't have to go.

Unless you want to support your daughter and show her that you care about what's

important to her. Thank God. Let me know how it goes.

Well, we won't be home till late. Try not to kill your mom.

Fighting with Benny? I don't want to talk about it.

You know, this reminds me of a time in Cuba. Okay, you've broken me. I'll talk.

My mom's house burns down. I take her in because I'm a good son.

She treats me like I'm an eight -year -old in my own house.

I think I know what the problem is here.

You have reversed roles with your mother.

She's now dependent on you.

So the less she feels like a parent, the more she's going to treat you like a

child. It's a classic power struggle.

I don't care what's going on in her head. I just want it to stop.

Perhaps I can help.

When Emeline and I were in couple therapy, I learned how to deal with

relationships.

Vic, you got divorced!

It helped me.

She, however, remained a whore.

But what I learned is that people in bad relationships are like actors playing

out the same tragedy day after day after day after day.

Dean Drowsy must hear point.

The point is, if you want a happier ending, you must change the script.

If she's mean to you, instead of laughing out, try being nice.

Eventually, she will give up.

It will be like killing her with kindness.

Okay, killing her. Go on.

So, as a rule of thumb, when you want to choke her, give her a hug instead.

All right, I'll try it.

But if I'm hugging her too hard and she can't breathe, I was trying to do

something nice, right? That's our story.

What's that?

You threw something else up at work?

You could have turned the lights off on me, but instead you showed interest in

my day. Thank you, Mother.

Who blew a feather up your skirt, Mr.

Fancy? What do you know about skirts, you...

Look lovely, just as you are in that blouse and those adjustable pants.

Are you drunk?

Nope. I'm changing things for the better.

Good for you, Tony Robbins.

Clear your stuff off the table. Angie called, and she wants me to get dinner

going. I'll do it in a second. I just need to read the new workers' comp

So then we'll eat in what, five years?

So clever. You found fun in my learning disability.

Give me a hug, Mom. It'll be over quickly.

Vic, it's not working, man. I'm on a snap.

You need to give it time.

It could take months.

Hey, no one changes their patterns overnight.

Yeah, okay, I'll do that. Hey, on a totally different subject, you're a

What poisons won't show up in an autopsy?

George, calm down.

Imagine the pressures of the world are a bird and they are flap, flap,

flapping away.

How many mojitos have you had?

None. I'm only drinking hot tea.

It helps the painkillers kick in.

Where's my work?

Don't you remember my rules?

What rules?

I only tell you once to clear the table. If you don't, you are asking me to

throw out your stuff.

You threw out my work?

Yep. Maybe next time you'll remember my rule.

Hey, this is my house. I make the rules. Oh, sure you do. Mom, stand still.

We're talking about this.

Talk all you want. I will pretend to listen.

Mom, don't ignore me.

Let's see.

What goes good with chicken? I don't know.

George, what the hell are you... George!

You're going to stand there and you're going to listen to me. Stop treating me

like a kid.

Stop calling me names. I'm a grown man and if I want to, I can leave my papers

anywhere. And I pay the bills around here. So if I want to leave the lights

I can.

And the mixer.

And the toaster.

And the blender.

And the food processor.

And the microwave.

And you know why? I can afford it all because I'm...

I'm glad you're home.

Do you know your father has a drug problem?

What happened?

I asked him to clear the table and he lost his mind.

Stay away from me.

I'm still shaking.

But I'll finish dinner if you want me to.

No, that's okay.

Then I'll take a piece of chicken in my room with the beer.

What is the matter with you? Look, you don't see it, Angie. She's different

you're around, but that's how she pushed me too far.

So you handcuffed her to the fridge?

Yes, I did.

Because beating her with a rolling pin seemed too cartoony.

You have got to get this under control.

Look, I tried, Angie. I really did. But I can't live with her anymore. She's got

to go.

We are not going to throw your mom out on the street.

Fine, then I'm going.

George, you're being ridiculous.

No, I'm not. It's either her or me. You choose.

I am not playing this game.

Then I'm leaving.

If you actually walk out that door, it would just be an incredibly immature

gesture on your part. Oh, and you don't think I'm capable of that? Watch this.

Where are you going?

Anywhere my mom isn't.

And from now on, I only live where I'm treated like a man with the dignity I

deserve.

Hey,

look out!

Tsunami!

Hey, George, could you help my

dad pass out Halloween candy?

Where are you going?

Uh, I got to run some errands.

What are you wearing under that coat?

Nothing.

God, I hope you're lying.

Ernie, what's under the coat?

It's not that it's any of your business.