Original subtitles

What do you think? Your dad and I went to that place where you paint your own

ceramics and we made this pot.

All right. How'd you screw up this time?

I didn't. Your mother and I just wanted to spend four hours of quality time

together.

It was one hour. No way. You don't get a headache like this in one hour.

Why are you making a sandwich out here?

Because Grandma Benny stunk up the whole downstairs.

Well, that's Grandma's special perfume.

It's a secret blend of whiskey, tobacco, sweat, and a dead tooth.

It's called... No,

keep coloring your hair in the sink and the dye reeks.

Oh, I can't even breathe in here.

Oh, man, Mom.

That's the price of beauty.

Whatever you spend, it costs more.

Why are you doing this here? Why can't you go to your salon?

I got no way to get there. My car burned up.

Maybe if someone who owes me their life could loan me some money, I could buy a

used car.

Look, you're living here rent -free.

You should have enough money saved up by now to get your own car.

I had a bunch of money saved up, but then I had some unforeseen expenses.

Are you gambling again? No.

Mom! It's not gambling when it's the sure thing.

That stupid horse broke its leg.

The jockey fell off and got paralyzed. It's always me. Something always happens

to me.

George, can you help me in here for a minute? I'm done for the day.

I painted your damn pot.

I listened to your Sounds of the Ocean CD in the car.

Angie, whales should not make albums.

I could just see him in the recording studio like that.

George, come here.

Look,

when I said we should take your mom in, I did not know she'd be here all the

time. She's driving me crazy.

We should help her get a car. No.

Stay strong, Angie. Eventually she'll give up and buy her own car.

What? George Lopez, I am telling you right now, if I do not get some alone

in my own house, your mom and I will come to blows.

I've seen my mom wrestle two cops to the ground with a taser dart in her neck.

And you cry when your shoes pinch. Good luck, Bambi.

So, George, if you're not going to loan me any money, could you at least let me

borrow your car tonight?

Sorry. I'm going to the fight downtown with Ernie, and I won't be home till

late.

Fine.

I guess I'll just have to hang around the house. Yeah? Upside down?

No, we are people, damn it! Outside, outside!

Angie, Angie, Angie, I'm so sorry.

You know, I have been caged up in here so long, I forgot my manners.

Say, now, here's an idea.

Maybe you will let me borrow your van so I could get out tonight.

No. Why not?

Because... you will suck your thumb and milk a cow.

you to a bunch of bars.

You know what? I just wanted to go to the pharmacy to pick up my medication,

forget it. Well, I'm sorry. Of course I'll take you.

Which pharmacy?

Anyone that has a happy hour.

I'll be two beers.

Come on, George.

was great. And those seats were amazing. Hey, I think I got blood from one of

the boxers on me.

Yeah, they say women can't fight, but damn, that one could.

Yeah, not too much

talent here tonight.

Oh.

Oh, I spoke too soon.

Check out that hottie.

Harmon? You can call her whatever you like, but that's 200 pounds of

beautiful... Oh, hey,

that's Carmen.

Oh, that's cool. So you've got your own car.

What does the mortgage broker do?

He goes to prison for picking up 17 -year -old girls.

Carmen, what the hell are you doing here? Dad, Grandma Benny called. She's

and she needed a ride home.

Damn it, Mom.

explain what my daughter's doing here? George, thank God you found Carmen.

I followed her here, but she gave me the slip.

You know what? You got too far this time, you old bat.

You can stand there and yell at me, or you can get your daughter out of this

harmful environment. George, there are a lot of drunk people here, right?

I'm your boss.

No, you're not.

It's after midnight. You do not sneak out of this house. I know, but Grandma

Benny called and said she had no way to get home.

And then I thought, what would Mom do?

Because you always do the right thing, and if I could be more like you, then I

would be a better person.

Why don't I get a shovel from the yard so I can fertilize it with all this

Yeah, I didn't buy it either.

It's the most irresponsible thing you have ever done. How could you take our

-year -old daughter to a bar?

You're right. I took advantage of Carmen. I feel so guilty. Oh, I don't

to be conscious right now.

Mom?

Okay, hear me out.

We have eight hours till she comes. till we can get her deep into Mexico.

We'll put her in a Pikachu costume.

We'll leave her with a stick and a note that says, beat me, I have candy inside.

Honey, she's making us all miserable. Would it be the end of the world if we

helped her buy a car?

It doesn't even have to have airbags or brakes.

Then she gets what she wants. She wins.

It's not about winning or losing. It's about being an adult and...

You are so unattractive to me right now.

Okay. If we don't buy her a car, then we are both going to have to suck it up

and drive her around.

I'm willing to do my share.

All right. I guess if you're willing to take that on, I guess I can too.

Thank you.

You see what happens when we act like adults and compromise?

We come up with solutions.

You're right, baby.

Oh, by the way, I've got to work late for the next month, so have fun driving

mom around.

How was 13?

Of course, be cool.

What?

Nope. Hey, babe.

Babe, sunny.

Like the sun.

Because I'm hot.

Everything revolves around me.

Oh, Sonny, are you a diplomat or a professor?

Just private to Magnolia and Woodman. We're going to his place.

Are we?

Have we thought through all the consequences of our actions?

I asked for a ride, not a bus kill.

Fine.

So, uh, how'd she rope you into driving, anyway?

I'm Benny's daughter -in -law.

Okay, I'll buy it. Who's Benny?

Actually, I forgot to tell you, but Benny is my middle name.

So Crystal is your first name.

Yes, it is.

Crystal Benny Carrington.

So tell me, what do I need to know about this lady here?

Well, Sonny,

Crystal needs someone who's honest, who doesn't rush things.

Someone who expresses his affection for her in a gentlemanly way.

You think you can handle that, Sonny?

Sonny?

Don't believe this!

Sorry, I'm being a little rude here.

Thank you.

Why don't you pull over and join the party?

It may be chilly up front, but back here, it's sunny and hot.

That's it.

I'm dropping you off at the filthiest, most disgusting motel I can find.

Oh, the safari on Sepulveda's pretty nasty.

I hear.

Where's the checkbook?

I left it by the computer. Why? We're buying your mom a car. No!

She, uh...

Picked up a guy at Thirsty's, and they were making out in the backseat of the

minivan, and then they asked me if I wanted to join them.

Mom! Not me. He did.

If I swung that way, I could do better than her.

This should be enough. No.

Don't cave in. We're not giving her a cent.

Yeah? Do you have another idea?

Pikachu! Pikachu!

something out because I'm not driving her anymore.

From now on, I'll drive you.

And things will be different.

Not giving rides to any of your boyfriends.

One of them is fine.

Gina, there are some jobs even Mexicans won't do.

Stop it.

So help me God, I will turn this car around if you don't stop throwing fries

me.

It's the library.

No, I think it's the gas company.

Oh, no.

Amagina.

Okay, my eyes are burning. Nobody light a cigarette.

I'm not getting sucked into this.

George, come on. What are you waiting for, you priss? Just kick off your high

heels and floor it.

Take this. Take this. Take this. Take this. Take this.

Come on, George.

Shut up.

You want some punk?

Yeah, I'll race you, fool.

But the loser takes your women home.

Reckless endangerment, had open containers in the car, too many

of them wearing seatbelts, and someone reached for my gun.

That was my friend Gina, and she wasn't reaching

for your gun.

Thanks, officer.

Honey, what is going on?

She tricked me into racing a guy and I lost my license for 30 days.

You know, I feel pretty responsible for this. I will drive George around. You're

not touching my car.

Wait a minute.

You would keep your car in a garage for a whole month instead of letting me

drive it? That's right.

And you know what? Just to make sure.

What are you going to do in 30 days when you can drive again?

Let her drive your car. Why should I?

She never let me drive hers.

What?

That's what all this is about?

Yeah, that's what all this is about.

I had my license and everything, and you never let me touch your car, not once.

I was the only one of my friends who never got to drive.

You big baby.

That was 20 years ago, and I was working two jobs. If you had wrecked that car,

we would have been screwed.

Yeah, what about prom night?

The hotel was by the airport. I had to take the shuttle there.

If I had let you drive, you could have ended up like Jimmy Ortega.

Who?

Jimmy Ortega. He lived down the street from us. He was a couple of years older

than you. He died in a car accident. He was real smart.

I couldn't let my dyslexic kid drive.

You flunked Jim.

Why does it matter which way I ran the laps? I ran them.

I didn't want to get a call saying that my son had died driving the wrong way on

a freeway.

So you were worried about me?

Don't flatter yourself.

I got grandkids now if I need bone marrow. I'm not so into you anymore.

Mom. What?

Wait.

But you have to promise me that you'll never, ever drink and drive.

I

can't

believe all this time you wouldn't let me drive because you were afraid I'd get

hurt. Just drop it.

Is that why you wouldn't let me play football?

Look, George.

For a helmet to fit your head, they would have had

to

take out the padding.

Now, I was already growing tomatoes in the backyard. I did not want another

vegetable in the house.

You know what?

Thanks, Mom.

I never thought I'd see this.

You two are actually communicating.

You know, this might be a great opportunity to clear the air about other

you guys have.

Fair enough.

Your wife is a tool.

Is that enough for now, or do you want more?