Original subtitles

Carmen, are you pregnant?

It's a girl, Mr. Lopez.

I've been waiting for you.

I'm your daddy.

And I promise I'll always take care of you and I will always love you no matter

what. Good, because I'm going to piss you off big time when I'm 16.

What?

It's pretty funny, Dad. You let my boyfriend live with us, then when he

play pro baseball back east, I'm going to want to marry him.

You can't get married when you're 16.

I can in Georgia.

if I'm pregnant.

Sir,

I don't want this one. Put it back.

Relax. Breathe.

Carmen, are you pregnant?

Sorry, everybody. Party's over.

Betty, you heard her. The party's over.

No. Carmen said she's pregnant. This party's just getting started.

How the hell could you be pregnant? You're 16.

Wow.

Deja vu.

I had this same fight with my dad when I was 16, except he was chasing me

through the neighborhood with a machete.

That was back when they let you... You be a parent.

Carmen, answer me. Okay.

I'm not really pregnant. I just said that to scare you guys into letting me

marry Jason.

There's no way you're getting married.

Fine, then I'll just get pregnant and move to Georgia because I don't need y

'all's consent to get married.

Oh, yeah, Dad, that's right. I'll fit in because I've been learning.

Angie, tell me you had an affair with Garth Brooks and that she's not mine.

Carmen, you're too young to have a baby.

Grandma had a kid when she was my age.

Mom, tell her how hard it is to raise a kid when you're a teenager.

It was like a nightmare that wouldn't end.

Thank you.

Carmen, you have your whole life ahead of you. If you get pregnant now, trust

me, you're going to regret it. She's right.

But there's not a day goes by I don't regret having children.

You think your mom and I had these worry lines before you were born?

Well,

damn it, Angie, we were beautiful.

But Jason's moving all the way to Georgia. If I have to get pregnant to be

him, I'll do it. Carmen, I'm going to tell you something your mother and I

keeping from you until you turned 18.

The doctor told us that if you get pregnant, you'll die.

George!

to just blurt out the truth like that.

You have a rare baby allergy.

Getting pregnant would be like putting a grenade in your cookie.

You guys can't keep me from Jason any more than you can keep a hungry boll

weevil from a field full of cotton.

Well, if you think you're getting married...

Hello, Pat.

Thanks. You know, I didn't know what I was going to beat you with until right

now.

Oh, God, she told you.

How long is George going to hit golf balls?

That's how he works through a problem. He gets his anger out and then he comes

up with a... Well, I guess we all have our own way of coping, huh?

When your mother left me, I went back to boxing.

I was undefeated until I met a man whose heart was broken worse than mine.

How do you know he just wasn't a better boxer?

Well, because when he punched me, he would say things like, Screw you, Diana!

You're a stupid whore, Diana!

The only blow I actually landed was during a clinch when I told him, you

satisfied me.

You want some cake, honey? Hang on.

Let me take one more swing at Carmen.

You named the golf ball?

Yeah. See the letters?

B is for Carmen, J is for Jason, and B is for Benny.

A is for anybody.

So, you've been out here a while. You've had time to think. What should we do

about Carmen?

Nothing. We're screwed.

That's it?

That's all you've got?

No.

I decided I wanted to be called Papi instead of Grandpa.

Now, do you want to be called Granny or Nana?

I am not a Nana.

This is not the butt of a Nana.

You know, this might be one of the times when wisdom from an older generation

would be helpful.

Okay, let's see.

What do you think we should do, Daddy? Nothing. You're screwed, Granny.

Now, I know that sounds mean, but you put me through the same thing. Hey, you

married without my approval.

Although in this case, unlike you, Carmen would be running off with a

wealthy man with a future.

Daddy, when are you going to give this up? George turned out great.

Yeah, well, even a blind squirrel finds a nut eventually.

Stand right there. I'll find two more.

You know, the crazy thing is that in a couple of years, you will be thrilled

Carmen to marry a boy like Jason.

My dad's right.

But I don't know how we're going to make Carmen wait two years.

I'm out of ideas.

Why don't you blow out your candle and make it your birthday wish?

Ernest on the phone.

Your mother's house is on fire.

George. Use my wish on Carmen, I swear.

My mom, did she get out? No, I got here as soon as I could, but no one's seen

her. Did that poop your car, sir? That's my mom's car. Hey, I'm sorry. No one

can go in there.

Oh, my God. Look at all the smoke.

My mom will get out.

She smokes four packs a day.

She's been training for this her whole life.

The lowrider.

The lowrider is a little higher.

He's getting a drink. I met a trucker. I got in his cab.

Oh, so that's why you thought I was dead.

Someone called because they heard the screams.

Well, he wasn't very flexible to start with, but he is now.

We thought you were dead, Mom. Your house burned down.

That's not funny.

We're not kidding.

The fireman said it started in the bedroom. I mean, did you leave a

burning? No, I'm not an idiot.

I put the cigarette out in the ashtray. I dumped the ashtray into the trash can.

The trash can by the drapes?

Damn it.

Happy Mother's Day, Benny.

Hope you enjoy these flammable drapes.

having his baby.

Is there anything you'd like to say?

We talked about having kids. It's been a boy for me and a girl for you.

Well, mine's upstairs sleeping.

Good luck with yours.

Jason, wake up.

Wake up, Jason. I didn't touch your daughter, Mr. Lopez.

It's just me. I need to talk to you. Are you kidding?

Your dad already wants to kill me. Get out of here.

Do you really want to marry me?

Yeah.

Well, our bluff didn't work. You have to get me pregnant for real.

Whoa.

Carmen, a baby?

It's so fast. I mean, if you breastfeed, I'll be fighting my own baby for second

base.

I love you enough to have your baby.

Don't you love me enough?

Uh... Sure.

Good. We'll try tomorrow night.

I want our first time to be perfect. So I'll rent a really romantic hotel room,

buy a sexy outfit.

Oh, and I'll bring Mr. Snuggle Bear.

I'll definitely get pregnant because he's my lucky charm.

You're bringing a stuffed animal?

Does it bother you because he's a boy bear?

Yeah, that's why it bothers me.

What time is it?

7 .30.

You want some coffee, Benny?

No, my house should be cool by now.

You know, I gotta get over there before my neighbors start stealing all my

stuff.

Want me to go with you?

No, I move faster by myself.

Yeah, that's what you said during the riots.

They weren't riots.

We were fighting for Robbie King's rights.

Mom, Rodney King!

Mom and I talked last night, and we made a decision.

You don't have to get pregnant.

You can marry Jason.

What? Look, we realize Jason's a great guy, so here's the deal.

We'll throw you the wedding of your dreams, all you have to do is finish

school.

Serious? Look, we realize it's better than being pregnant at 16.

This way you can have a life first, so when you finally do have kids, you know

exactly why you resent them.

Why, every move they make, you look at them like that. Oh, shit.

So how soon after I graduate can I get married? The day after.

Because the day after that, I'm having a big screen TV installed in your room.

What? I thought we were saving that for a nursery in case we wanted to have

another baby.

You want to go through this again?

with his suitcase.

Why didn't you say anything?

Because he said he'd see me Sunday.

Wait.

Maybe he said he'd see me someday.

Where's Jason? All his stuff is gone, even his suitcase.

Did you two have a fight or something?

No.

and I told him we had to have a baby, he was so excited about being a dad, he

was shaking.

What kind of shaking sprinters do right before they run?

How could Jason just leave without telling me?

Unless he wanted to surprise me by buying our dream house in Georgia.

Or maybe he went to his other girlfriend's house.

You know, the one with the brain?

Look, Carmen, why don't you just call Jason on his cell phone and ask him

going on?

When she realizes what just happened, she is going to be devastated.

I'll get my clichés ready.

You were too good for him.

There are a lot of other fish in the ocean.

This one's my favorite, but you've got to sit down for this one.

Everything happens for a reason. You got a salad in the eyes, watch out,

compassion.

Everything happens for a reason?

That's what she said when my hamster died.

What did you want me to say?

That Mr. Fluffer starved because a selfish little boy got a skateboard and

forgot to feed him?

Yeah, I wish you had a cliche now, don't you, hamster killer?

Should have seen him trying to get water, Max. He went like that.

I got a hold of Jason.

Turns out he's not buying the house.

What?

He says he thinks we're moving too fast and he's not sure he's ready to have a

baby. But he did have a great plan on how to keep our love stronger.

He thinks we should see other people.

Well, everything happens for a reason.

What did you say to him?

Oh, I said, baby, date whoever you want, but just get it out of your system by

June 17th because that's when we're getting married.

But then he must have gone into a tunnel because the line just cut off.

So I'm going to wait a couple minutes and then call him back.

Yeah, take your time, sweetheart. You know, that tunnel leaving L .A. is

long.

Why doesn't somebody just tell her Jason bailed? Because.

She's in denial.

It will be easier for her to slowly figure this out on her own.

It's hard when your first love ends.

I know I must have broken the hearts of a dozen boys.

Yeah, I broke a lot of hearts myself.

You'll be like your old man, Max.

you talking about i'm the only girl you ever dated not in front of the boy looks

up to me hey

check

it out it's the ghetto mary poppins

I miss trying to cheer you up, you dirty little oompa -loompa.

Annie, are you okay?

Peachy.

So did anything survive the fire?

Stupid ashtray. Look at that.

This is the handprint I made you in first grade.

It meant more to me when I thought it was an ashtray.

phone to call the insurance company insurance is for suckers

mom you don't have any insurance george i got tired of throwing away a hundred

bucks a month for nothing so i decided to save it then you must have a pretty

good stash in the bank banks are for suckers they charge you all those fees

you know you might as well keep your money in your mattress

Mom, please pay the mattresses up for suckers.

Yep, they sure are.

How much money did you lose?

All of it.

$53 ,000.

How did you get that much money in a mattress?

You need at least two people to smash it down.

Busting my ass, I end up with nothing.

I don't have any money, no place to live.

George. Yeah, take it easy up here when you get back.

Your mom.

has nowhere to live. We can either take her in or she'll be homeless living on

the streets.

Which street? George.

She'll do to her what she did to my dog.

Take her to a strange neighborhood and when she gets out to relieve herself, we

take off.

The last thing we see is her confused face lit up by the taillight. She'll be

like that.

I want her here, but it's the right thing to do.

That's easy for you to say.

We're talking about bringing the hell from my childhood into our house.

She's already over here every night for dinner.

This is different. This is 24 -7.

You can't deal with her by having three glasses of Chardonnay at dinner.

That's right. I see you.

Look, we're family.

This is what family does.

Yeah? What about the Eskimos?

They put their old relatives on an iceberg and push them out to sea.

So the polar bears can get them.

What does that have to do with us?

I'm saying that we have options.

So, Mom.

You want to stay with us?

What choice do I have? Man, it just keeps getting worse for me.

Hey, you're welcome.

Benny, you want me to make you some breakfast? You must be hungry.

No, thank you, Princess.

I've seen enough burnt things today.

We say it's a family vacation.

We go to Alaska.

We put her in a tuxedo so she looks like a penguin and push her out to sea.

You've seen her walk, Angie. The polar bears will know the difference.

For your own safety, now that Grandma Benny's living with us, don't talk to

in the morning.

And don't pet her while she's eating. She'll snap at you.

Morning, Benny.

How you holding up?

It's called a brawl. You wouldn't know about it.

That's your new phlegm rooster.

Wait for it.

Wait for it.

Hey, morning.

Morning. What's with the can?

Oh, I hit the neighborhood to try and raise money for your mom.

I told everyone how she'd lost her savings when I...

Yeah, I know. She's not well liked.

I want to send him a Christmas card.

Actually, a whole lot of people signed it. It's more like a petition, wasn't

George, I'm going to be busy shopping. Can you stop by the post office and

change your mom's home address to here?

Why don't I just point to the wanted poster and tell them that number eight

shaved her beard and she's living with us?

Can't they just hold her mail, Angie? She's not going to be with us that long.

Your mom...

She needs us, and we're going to be there for her.

I know it's going to be hard, but we're going to have to face the fact that she

may be living here for a long, long time.

Man, Benny's got no retirement. She's not getting any younger.

You could be living with your mom forever.

Ooh, that's rough.

How soon are you going to get Benny out of here?

I don't know.

She's been through something pretty traumatic.

It's going to take her a while to get back on her feet.

Maybe a month.

What do you know?

Angie's night sure fits me.

That's not a shake, but that's an unhappy meal.

Carmen, this came for you from Jason.

He's so sweet. I wonder what gift he got me.

This is a picture of me I sent him.

Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.

I know you don't want to accept that Jason's moved on, but...

This should make it pretty clear.

Mom, it's so obvious what's going on.

It is to us.

But what do you think is going on?

Jason's 3 ,000 miles away.

A picture of me would just make him miss me more.

Sweetheart, if I end up slapping you in your face, it's to help you, not to hurt

you. Look, I don't know why you're so worried about us. When Jason said he'd

love me forever, he meant forever.

When he said that, was your shirt on or off?

Upstairs. It matters.

Have you seen my mom?

She's smoking in the yard.

So, Mom, tell me the truth.

It's been a week since your house burned down.

How are you really feeling?

Well, honestly... I knew you'd bounce back. Let's look for apartments.

What?

Are you trying to get rid of me?

Is the mother bird trying to get rid of the baby bird when she kicks it out of

the nest? No.

She wants it to get stronger.

Or die trying.

Did Angie put you up to this?

She was way too nice to me this last week.

I'm going to sell out my wife.

But yes, she's behind all this.

I knew it.

Come on, Mom, really. How long did you think you were going to stay?

I don't know. You know, maybe enough time to save some money, get back on my

feet. Well, today's your lucky day.

Because I got your paycheck and I got you in advance.

Oh, right.

That's a lot of money.

Yeah, come on, get your stuff. Let's look at apartments.

Yeah, why not?

And I found a place I think you're gonna love.

It's by a liquor store and a men's shelter.

Huh? Booze and men on their way down?

Tell me it doesn't feel like home, huh?

Hey, Vic, you like your apartment building, right? Oh.

It's fantastic.

There's a gym, a pool, and all the women have rock -hard bodies that were built

for thumbs.

Great, because I'm taking my mom over there to look at a studio today. No, no,

you cannot.

There are no vacancies.

But I drove by this morning. I saw a sign.

But drive by this afternoon.

It won't be there. I have to go.

We saw some great apartments today.

George, none of them felt like home.

That's because you haven't added your special touches yet.

You need to spill some beer on the carpet.

Put some claw marks on the headboard.

Maybe we can find a chubby Mexican boy you can ignore for 18 years.

Oh, sorry, Princess. I didn't find any apartments. You're still stuck with me.

What are you talking about?

Oh, you don't have to hide it anymore.

George told me that you want me out of the house.

Yeah. You're all about family.

All right, hear me out.

All right, you go. I need time to think.

I have been trying to make her feel welcome here, and you completely

me. Okay, I got something.

This is my family.

Let me handle it.

When we got married, we all became one family.

Oh!

Okay, go again. I need more time to think.

Look, when my mom and dad came here from Cuba, they didn't have anything but the

clothes on their backs. And my uncle, who hated my father, took them in for

years. Because that's what families do for each other.

No, that's what Cuban families do.

We're Mexican.

If we don't like a relative, we don't deal with him.

Remember my cousin Tuti?

He'd say, I haven't talked to my dad in 17 years.

I'd say, where is he? He's in the living room.

have time to deal with this.

I'm planning a big wedding in Malibu. You need to get over your own issues and

make your mom feel welcome because she's staying here as long as she wants to.

Angie. End of discussion.

I told you not in front of my friends.

Hey, you better call 911 because you just got burned.

Yeah,

well, at least I got a woman to yell at me. Back burn.

Truce? Yeah. Done. All right.

So, you ready to hit the driving range?

Yeah, let me get my clothes.

I just need to give your mom a message from Big Jimmy.

Big Jimmy Briscoe the bookie? Yeah. I saw him at Thirsty's last night. He said

your mom can't sign over her paycheck.

He'll only take cash.

How's the game, Mom?

You rooting for anyone in particular?

Nah.

I don't really care.

Yes!

Interceptor! Thank you, Lord!

Hey, hey, hey. What are you doing?

Check it out. It's a poker tournament.

Man, that guy just spent all his chips.

You have to be stupid to take that kind of risk.

Unless he's leeching off his son, he doesn't have any real expenses.

So I made a bet.

Big deal.

Could you gamble, Mom?

I got you your paycheck. I even got you an advance.

I went out on a limb for you.

Excuse me for having fun, okay?

But my freaking house just burned down.

So maybe I did blow a little money, but as soon as this kid makes this field

goal, I am going to win it all back. Crap!

Who misses a 20 -yard field goal?

You know what, Mom?

I want you out of here.

I'm sorry you lost your house, but I'm not going to let you take advantage of

us.

I'm going to give you money for an apartment.

I can't believe this. You're kicking me out? This check will cover the first and

last month's rent, and I hear Big Jimmy Briscoe's looking for you, so I'll throw

an extra $100 in for a hat and a mustache.

Maybe just a hat.

You know what?

I don't need your spinkin' money.

on the plate, and there is no way that this loses.

Okay, Carmen is still in denial. Jason sent her gift back with a letter dumping

her, and she refuses to accept it.

Angie, this is a good thing.

Even if it's based on a total lie, Carmen's happy.

It's like the week you thought we were going to Spain on our honeymoon.

Can you believe it?

Mom's wedding dress almost fits me.

It must be 12 o 'clock because cuckoo, cuckoo.

I'm going to see what it looks like outside because I'm going to have an

wedding.

Will you please talk to your daughter? I can't get through to her.

What makes you think I can?

Because you're blunt and you don't care about people feeling.

It's the only good thing I ever got from my mom.

You look beautiful, honey.

But we need to talk about this letter from Jason.

Oh, it's okay. He just has cold feet about the marriage. The magazines say it

happens all the time.

You know, I think it's more than that. Look, I'm a guy, so I know what he's

trying to say.

Let me translate it for you.

Carmen, the last thing I want to do is hurt you.

That means here comes the hurt.

Both been through a lot of growth and change.

He's tired of you and he's moving on.

But we need to pursue other opportunities.

He's met someone else.

And keep our minds open.

She's black or Asian.

I don't know how to say this, but it's over.

It's over.

It's going to be okay.

I can't believe it's really over. What am I going to do without him? Carmen,

can do better than some baseball player who's always going to be on the road.

There are plenty of other guys after you. You're a catch.

I know. What's wrong with him?

I don't know.

Maybe he's a little... What's up?

What the hell?

What do you think you're doing?

I was drying my hair in my living room, and now I'm stirring my beans in my

kitchen.

Mom, you can't live in your car.

Well, you kicked me out.

I gave you a check for an apartment, or did you gamble that away, too?

No. I did not. I cashed it and locked it in my glove compartment.

Now, if you will excuse me, please, I'm going to start my house so I can dry my

underwear on the engine block.

Okay, I know what you're doing. You're trying to make me feel guilty. You

feel guilty, George. You owe me.

I brought you into this world, and I didn't have to.

Yeah, I remember you leaning over my crib saying, good night, my little

mistake.

You remember that from when you were a baby?

No, you didn't give me a real bed till I was seven.

I was so cramped in there every morning, I woke up with a dead leg. I could

barely catch the bus. I was like, wait up!

After you left my house, you were alive and healthy, okay?

I did my job.

What kind of thanks do I get, huh? I get kicked to the curb.

Hey, living out here is your choice. You're not going to guilt me into

you back in the house.

You're probably right.

I could never make you feel guilty.

I don't care what people think of me.

Thank you!

That's him!

Wake your mama. Her car's on fire. What?

Her car's outside, and it's on fire.

God! Where is she, in the living room? No, she's living in her car.

What?

I kicked her out because she was gambling. That's what Mexican families

George!

Me and you are going to put out my mother.

Thanks.

You put the cigarette on the edge of the ashtray and then I left.

Did you slam the door?

Damn it.

How does it feel to lose my respect?

Because now you've lost everything.

That's right. You've been served.

Tell me the money that I gave you wasn't in the glove compartment.

Who cares about your money?

The last thing I owned in this world just burned up because you wouldn't let

live in your house.

Don't blame this on me. I gave you money for an apartment.

I don't want to live in an apartment. What am I going to do there? Sit on my

butt and stare at a TV all day?

That's what you do here.

No, it's different.

There are people around.

I thought you liked living alone. What else would you let your house smell like

then?

That just doesn't sound like the party it used to.

You're actually scared.

No, I am not.

Yeah, you are.

You got the same expression on your face as you do when you get an envelope from

the free clinic.

Fine, just forget I said anything, all right? I'm just going to grab the rest

my stuff and get out of here.

Okay, I'm just going to get out of here.

What could you just say you wanted to be around your family?

Family is just supposed to know things, George.

I mean, when you were crying as a kid, I didn't ask you why you were crying. I

just, I held you.

Too much?

Yeah, I remember you holding me, Mom. You were using me as a shield to spray a

beehive.

I was allergic. I thought you weren't. Okay, I was wrong. I'm sorry.

That would have been nice to hear in the hospital when I was breathing through a

coffee straw.

Right.

You think I'm a lousy mother and I deserve this. Fine.

I'm gone.

Go.

I'm going.

Bye.

Damn!

Trick me.

Hey there, Mr.

Snail.

At least you've got your house. on your back any room in there

for me knock it off mom okay you can live with us well if that's what you

want George you know I'm tired of fighting with you

stupid snail

it's been a long day I'm going to bed I'm gonna crash on the couch you know

came out here tonight. It was the second time in a week I thought you were

burned alive.

I'm starting to be okay with it.