Original subtitles

What are you doing?

Hey, did you see where Mom hid my birthday present?

No, but you'll never find my gift, because I haven't made it yet.

You're going to make me something fun that's so sweet, if you were three.

Now it's just cheap, so hit the mall, little man, and don't come back here

a picture of you on a T -shirt. I know what you look like.

Nice try, Angie. Hello.

Don't be a jackass. Wait for your birthday.

Morning, honey.

Nice ass.

If you like it now, wait till I unwrap it. Watch out. Circular.

Would you stop looking for your gift? You're never going to find it.

But I'll tell you this much.

It'll be the most amazing thing I'll ever do for you.

You found a stranger as long as you think she's pretty.

Not bad.

Hey, the cute delivery guy left this out front.

Why didn't he come to the door?

He asked if I was willing to accept a package.

We had a little misunderstanding.

That's from Jason's father in Switzerland. It must be the custody

What custody papers?

We're going to become Jason's legal guardians.

The couple that can't discipline their own kids is going to take in a six -foot

-four jock who's coming off steroids.

Why don't you just adopt that monkey that ripped that guy's face off?

And who's going to groom you Sunday nights?

It's just for three months that he goes to college.

His own father pushed him onto steroids. He's kind of lost right now. He needs

some guidance.

You realize, Angie, we are now owners of a white boy.

I've rented, but never owned.

When we go shopping, we're going to have to go in the Caucasian aisle.

Get mayonnaise, sunscreen, and a mild salsa, because the other one's really

We'll even have to start watching PBS.

We just signed the custody papers. Welcome to the family. Oh, my God.

Yo, Angelina Jolie, stop kissing your brother, cochina.

Mr. Lopez, since we're family now, I could really use your help with

You know, Jason, I want you to look at me as your father, so if you have any

problem whatsoever, please go to Angie now.

We're done here now. Give me a beer, son.

Jason, what's the matter?

I got drafted to play minor league baseball, but I got two college

coming today for football.

I don't know. I don't know what to do.

I remember when I was your age and I had to choose between two offers.

The taco stand was coming at me hard with my own hairnet.

Then the car wash at the last minute stepped up with a sponge and big black

boots.

I was internally torn.

If the signing bonus was bigger, I'd go with baseball.

But it'd be nice to get a college education.

I thought you were going to pick USC so we can stay together.

Don't leave. I want to be with you forever.

Honey, I'll tell you what I told your dad when he was 16.

Desperate and clingy does not make someone love you more.

So you think it's desperate and clingy to follow your girlfriend to

camp in Phoenix because you're afraid she might talk to another guy and forget

all about you?

I call that devotion.

Watch out.

All right, Mr. Lopez.

If you were in my position, what would you pick?

Would you go with football or baseball?

I can't tell you what to do, Jason, but I'll tell you what.

I'll sit through the meetings with you, listen to what everybody has to say. If

you get overwhelmed, just turn to me.

Because I'm Mr. Calm, Cool, and Watch Out. Not yet, wait for it.

Collected.

I'm here to see Jason McInerney.

Donovan McNabb, I can't believe it, son!

Hey, man, you want some soup or something?

Is your mom here? Mom!

Syracuse has some great receivers this year, so you'll be throwing the ball a

lot.

I'm going to stop you right there.

I'm going to do this official because I know I can only talk to designated

coaches who are certified recruiters. So, sir, I'm going to have to ask you to

sign in.

I'm supposed to sign in on a football?

We're out of paper.

Make it out to your best buddy, George, and, you know, put the date and time,

please, sir.

It must be your competition from Central Florida.

Oh, crap.

Dante Culpepper. Seen him at the coffee shop looking through maps.

I can't believe this.

Mr.

Culpepper, please come in.

Donovan, Dante.

Dante, Donovan.

This is awkward.

Did you steal my day planner?

This is the third kid you beat me to.

Beat you to a Super Bowl too, didn't I?

Yeah,

you did. But you lost though.

Oh!

Smell that? Somebody got burned. Lean back.

doing in that? Well, since the recruiter from USC couldn't make it till

tomorrow, I'm representing the school's interests.

I see you.

Now that playtime is over, let's get down to business.

Who can

offer me the

most stuff?

Central Florida has already offered Jason a full ride.

A full ride?

Now we're talking.

You're talking about convertible with 20 -inch rims?

People jiggle when you drive by.

No,

no, no.

Such a float is a clean program.

All we can offer him is a full scholarship.

Thank you for Syracuse. Anything else would be illegal.

You mean so I'm just picking schools?

Man, I could do that off a brochure.

I got your message, George.

I came over as fast as I could.

Mr. Donovan.

Mr. Dante, I'm a huge fan.

I can't believe it.

He heard it.

Please.

These gentlemen are here on official business chief.

Some agent, when he found out I was helping Jason pick a school, he sent me

eight boxes of this stuff.

Isn't that against the rules?

Only if Jake can take it.

I got the perfect thing for you. Watch out.

Don't touch me.

I'm a minor.

Oh, yeah, because you know what? We want to encourage more women not to touch

me. Listen,

I want to ask you something.

If my birthday present to you was Lakers tickets, but I was on a budget...

Would you rather sit with me in crappy seats or go sit by yourself in a good

seat?

Ernie, you know it's only a birthday if I spend it with you.

So why don't I meet you at Thirsty's after the game for a beer? Cool.

Hey, you want to borrow this?

I want to scare my mom when she comes out of the shower.

Your mom's a 400 -pound woman. You want to scare her? Show her a vegetable.

Is the USC guy here?

Jason's game went into extra innings. He's going to be late.

Don't worry. I'll handle the USC game.

No, I want to meet him too, Dad. I don't trust you.

Look, Carmen, I have to tell you something, but you have to stand on the

side of the glass.

Why? Just do it.

Jason and I talked, and we feel that the best school for him to go to is USC.

Ten bucks, she wets herself.

I'm going to go back to the game.

You know Carmen is going to be visiting Jason down at USC every weekend.

That's great.

By the time she gets to college, she'll already know how to win a wet T -shirt

contest at a frat house.

Well, don't worry, Mom. She won't be competing against you. Maybe they'll

a low -chi -chi division.

Oh, baby, leave it on.

It might help the USC guys feel the deal faster if he thinks that other schools

are interested.

It's like when we were dating and you pretend all those other guys were

interested in you.

They were interested, George.

You can turn it off, baby. You won.

Hi,

Jim Mora, USC football. George Lopez. Come on in. Have a seat, Jim.

This is my wife, Angie.

I thought you might like some coffee.

You have a lot of southern Kentucky

stuff. You guys alumni?

No, that's just from an agent that wants Jason to go there.

So, what, Jason accepted gifts from an agent?

No, he hasn't accepted a thing from anybody.

Look, I did my homework. I know that I'm the only one who can get stuff for

free.

And you're not related to him at all, because then the gifts would make him

ineligible to play college sports.

Nope, not related whatsoever.

But I thought you were his legal guardian.

George.

I forgot, man.

We are alumni. I thought you said aluminum.

When you go to southern Kentucky, there ain't much to do but drink. So the whole

four years are a blur. Some nights I was like... I'll do this.

Max, what happened?

I was trying to make enough money to buy Dad a good birthday gift.

He was at the mall filling clothes out of a box.

I thought they might be stolen.

Tell him, Dad.

Tell him why you got all this stuff free from the guy who wants Jason to go to

Kentucky.

Sir, I've never seen this boy before in my life, but it's apparent to me he's on

the glue.

Officer, this is our son, and none of this stuff is stolen.

Mr. Lopez, I don't think Jason's going to be playing college football at USC or

anyplace else next year.

What are you going to tell Jason?

Oh, God, what are you going to tell Carmen?

But tell him the truth. You think I'm scared?

I'm going to tell him that Jason had a brilliant career and Max messed that up.

It's outfishing.

What did the NCAA say?

There's nothing they can do.

Jason's screwed.

We ruined his chance to play college football.

What do you mean, we?

Oh, I see. It's easy to be Mrs. George Lopez when everything's going great,

Not always.

Well, congratulations.

No, Mom, I feel bad enough.

No. I was going to give you a compliment.

It took you 16 years to screw Carmen up.

It took you 13 years to screw Max up.

It only took a couple of days to screw Jason up.

You're getting good at this.

Jason, it's our responsibility now. What are we going to do?

Angie, please.

I got nothing.

Jason just finished his game. He's icing his shoulder. Is the USC guy still

here? No, he left after a very eventful meeting.

Well, how did it go?

When's his birthday?

Don't you have something to say?

Can you tell if it's Jason when he's got his helmet on?

Not really. Okay, then. He's number 11.

Honey, there's no easy way to say this, but Jason can't play football at USC

or any other college.

What?

What happened?

I screwed up. Carmen, I didn't know I could ruin Jason's eligibility by taking

some gifts.

You did this on purpose.

You never wanted us to be together.

You're so cruel. Your father is not cruel. He's just incompetent.

Well, Carmen, you still got the baseball offer?

Oh, yeah.

That's great, Dad. He can go play baseball in the middle of nowhere, and

never see him again.

I'm going to go tell Jason what you did. You ruined my life.

Don't listen to her, George. You didn't ruin her life, you ruined Jason's.

No, I didn't. Because I can fix this.

What are you doing?

I'm going to call the baseball guy to come over and give Jason a better deal.

I'll be his agent.

George, you don't know the first thing about being an agent.

How hard can it be?

I have a nice suit, the hair gel, the ability to look someone straight in the

eye and lie to them. By the way, thank you for that.

You're the best mommy ever.

It's easy with a wonderful son like you.

George, won't you be in over your head with this baseball guy? He negotiates

a living.

Would you please? I can negotiate. Test me.

Well, okay. I disagree.

Here to for thereafter the aforementioned.

Honey, that's probably the baseball rep. I think you're out of time.

That's okay.

I got all this legal stuff down.

Ask me a question. Not yet. Let me get in position. Watch out. Wait for it.

Well, okay.

In the event of a breach of contract, would you seek out third -party

arbitration?

I broke her my first deal as an agent.

What's in the briefcase?

Breath mints and a little black cone.

Hi, Dan Driscoll.

You must be George. Nice to meet you, Dan. Come on in.

Thank you.

I got the impression Jason wasn't excited about the signing bonus we

Well, he wasn't.

And neither was I, Dan, so you're going to have to do better.

Breath mint?

No, thanks.

Okay, so we came in at a $100 ,000 signing bonus, but we're prepared to

the offer.

How does something in the neighborhood of $200 ,000 sound?

Sounds like a neighborhood with bars on the windows, couches on the lawn, and a

sad little Mexican boy tied to a lemon tree.

It's a true story. I'll tell you when I know you better.

George, my GM won't let me go any higher.

Well, I guess Jason's going to have to take that offer to USC and play

You would see offered him a scholarship?

That's what I said.

If I was lying, you think I could look you in the eye and comb my hair?

You know what? I put a great offer on the table. You'd be stupid to walk away.

And you'd be stupid to let one of your top draft picks get away, especially one

who throws 95 miles an hour.

Just a minute.

I'm making my own call with this one.

$400 ,000.

Not good enough.

George, listen to me.

I can walk out of here, catch a flight to the Dominican Republic, and buy an 18

-year -old switch here for a sack of potatoes.

You celebrate your way, I'll celebrate mine.

I can't believe you messed up USB for me. Look, Jason. I trusted you with

Mr. Lopez.

I talked to the baseball rep.

Oh, no.

You didn't mess up that offer, too, did you? Do I have to pay them to play?

No. How does a five with six zeros sound?

You got me five million dollars?

No, wait, five zeros, whatever.

Whatever half a million dollars is.

Are you serious?

Yep, and they're even going to pay you to go to college if you want to go later

on. You got them to agree to that, too? Yep. You are now part of the Washington

Nationals organization.

You started on the minor league team in Georgia, but you know what, Jason?

Congratulations, my man. You are now a Savannah Sand Nat! Yes!

What's a Sand Nat?

What's a Sand Nat? I don't know, but who cares? You're rich!

Mr. Lopez, thank you, thank you.

Ah, it's always been my dream to play pro baseball.

Carmen, come on, look. I know it doesn't look like a... Carmen!

I'll go talk to her.

Hey, thanks again. I mean...

Half a million bucks?

I don't know how to repay for this.

Well, I could use a new set of golf clubs.

Consider it done. I thought you were going to ask for the agent's usual 10 %

commission.

Carmen.

Carmen, wait.

I'm sorry.

I don't want to go away, but I can't pass this up.

So baseball's more important than me? No.

I love you.

Oh, my God.

That's the first time you've said that.

Oh, crap.

We've got to talk.

There was a time when I had an arm like Jason.

Could have gone pro.

I didn't know about this, Daddy. Why didn't you?

I would fall apart on the mound, hands shaking, vision blurred.

So you became a heart surgeon instead.

That's different.

If someone dies on the table, there's no booing.

It's just a respectful moment of silence.

Then we huddle up and get our story straight.

I'm going to call Carmen and see what's keeping her.

It's got to be tough on Carmen with her boyfriend leaving like that.

I know what that's like.

I had the love of my life leave me.

Well, he didn't really leave me. He got taken away.

Actually, sent away because of my testimony.

Those done yet?

Angie says I can't open my present until we eat. Oh, George.

Always in a rush.

You know, in Cuba, we savor every moment of life

because we are on island time.

That's because no one has jobs and no place to go.

For entertainment, they watch a guy paddle a refrigerator out to sea at high

tide.

I'm getting the buns and cheese.

Don't do the gift without me.

I just talked to Carmen. She's on her way over.

She said you could either open the presents now or wait a couple of

This is the guitar I always wanted since I was a kid. This is the

greatest day of my life.

What about the birth of our children?

Well, they had the number one spot for 16 years. That's a good run.

Nothing to be ashamed of.

It's not even tuned.

Hey, George, you know what? Check it out. We got you some lessons, brother.

Hey, come on in.

Happy birthday, honey.

Happy birthday, George.

How did you do this?

Well, his son goes to Max's school, and I met him at a PTA meeting.

All right, George, show him what you got. You ready?

Yeah.

That's pretty good, George. Why don't you try this?

I

like mine

better. I didn't feel like you were connected to yours. I think the

make you look distant.

birthday, Daddy. Oh, thanks, baby.

Whoa, Carmen, that's a big hunk of glass on your finger.

It's a diamond.

Jason bought it for me with his signing bonus.

You've got it on the wrong finger. People might think you're engaged.

Uh -huh.

Carmen, tell me that's on the wrong finger.

Uh -uh.

I don't think so. Either you move the ring...

Or I'll move the finger.

I'm gonna take off now.

Look, no way, okay? You're 16. This is not gonna happen. Jason and I are in

love.

We're moving to Georgia and getting married.

Holy crap!

Carmen, you are too young. It's against the law.

You're a minor, Carmen. There's no way we're gonna give you consent.

I don't need it.

We looked online and I can get married at 16 in Georgia if I'm pregnant.

Are you pregnant?

Okay! Who wants their buns toasted?