Original subtitles

Yeah? I'm Brad.

Okay, so you know who you are. Now here comes the tough one.

Why are you here?

I'm here to pick up Jason from football camp. Oh, right. Come on in.

Yo, Jason, you're right there!

So what side of the ball are you playing on, son?

Uh, I've got a girlfriend.

Offensive line or defensive line?

Actually, I'm a quarterback.

You're a quarterback?

I know, I'm a little small, but I'm working on it. I got hurt and I couldn't

the weight room like I wanted to.

Yeah, I know what that's like.

I got hurt in high school during a game.

I remember.

We're in the stands making fun of the band geeks. One of them snapped and went

after George.

Even with the tuba and the big hat, he ran you down.

Brad, can I get you something to drink?

No, ma 'am. Okay.

Enjoying the show, Desperate Housewife?

Please.

Those tall athletes do nothing for me. I prefer your build.

I'll go see what's keeping Jason. Why don't you go get Carmen up?

need to lift weights.

I got a whole bunch of trees in my backyard that need to be dug up. How

20 bucks an hour sound?

That sounds pretty good.

Hey, you seem like a nice kid, so I'll give you a heads up.

You're gonna get there. There's not gonna be any trees.

There'll be a camera set up.

She'll offer you some lemonade.

I'm going to wait in the car.

Jason's not on the couch. Did you guys see him go out this morning?

What are you doing in there?

I'm going to kill you. George, what is going on? I caught him in bed together.

No, Dad, we didn't do anything.

You are a dead man. You better think about what you're going to say to God

because you're going to meet him today.

Dressed like a tramp. You move her boyfriend into the house. You did

right.

Dad, I swear to God, nothing happened. It was an accident.

We were listening to music and we fell asleep.

Yeah, I'm just so tired with football camp in the weight room. I couldn't help

it. We just crashed.

Yeah, well, come over here. I'll have you sleep for a month.

Hey, don't! Don't!

Okay.

All right, George, you're too angry. Let's all calm down and talk about this

like adults.

Stupid. I'll see if they did anything.

No, nothing.

She's still got that dumb, goofy look.

If she had hooked up with that, she would be like, you know, glowing.

Mr. Lopez, you took me into your home. I wouldn't betray you that way.

And besides, you'd be able to hear us. I mean, we can hear everything you're

doing.

You had to be a screamer.

You know, I don't think they did anything, George.

It's hard to hook up with your parents in the house. You know, sometimes you

so close, and then your mom walks by with a robe open, eating a turkey leg,

the moment's gone, man.

Look, if you don't sleep in Carmen's room, you broke the rules. You can't

here anymore.

Daddy, we... No!

Look, Carmen, you can't have a society without rules. A society without rules

like an inner -city high school before the black, angry principal shows up with

a bat.

What? Jason has to finish football camp, and he has nowhere else to stay. If I

don't finish camp, my dad will kill me. He expects me to be a starter in

college. You should have thought of that before you fell asleep in Carmen's

room. Look, your dad's coming into town to have dinner with us. He can just take

you with him. Dad, please.

It was one time. It'll never happen again.

Okay.

You know what?

Maybe I overreacted.

Why don't you two go upstairs and take a shower and massage each other and see

where that leads?

I know when you're being sarcastic. That's because you're the smartest

who ever is.

What are you doing?

When Jason's dad finds out we're throwing his kid out, isn't he going to

have dinner with us?

I don't plan to tell him until after dinner. I want to wine him and dine him,

then we hit him with the bill for all of Jason's expenses, then after we get the

money, we give him the bad news.

I had another plan on getting the money, but that might work.

What was your plan?

I was going to steal a bunch of Jason's underwear, sell it on the internet when

he makes it to the NFL.

What kind of an idiot buys an athlete's underwear?

Well, you know, some guys want to be close to their heroes.

I know one guy who's a factory manager who's got Fernando Valenzuela's boxers

work.

You're keeping his underwear at work? That's disgusting.

You know, you say you want intimacy, but yet you don't make it safe for me.

I'm hungry.

Where's Mr. Moneybags? We were supposed to eat a half hour ago. His private jet

was delayed.

Or maybe he fell asleep listening to music in his girlfriend's bedroom.

I told you, nothing happened.

Jason's dad really wants him to finish football camp, so if he asks you to give

Jason a second chance, couldn't you at least listen?

I'm a rock. I cannot be moved. Once I set my mind to it, no one can make me

change it. Once I get like this, watch this.

Sorry I'm late. I'm Blaine McNamara. You must be George. Nice to meet you, sir.

This is my wife, Angie.

Hi. Oh, I would have thought you were Carmen's sister.

You call that smooth? He sounds insane.

There she is.

Oh, you'd be even more beautiful if you'd only smile.

Hi, Mr.

McNamara. Oh, there it is.

Blaine, this is our son, Matt.

Well, look at the mop on this one, huh?

Don't you let anybody tell you to cut your hair until it's time to cut your

hair. It's time to cut your hair.

Hey, Dad.

Hello, son. Ooh, ooh, good firm handshake.

The trainer must be making some progress with you.

Let's see your calves.

Not here, Dad.

What? I'm paying good money for this trainer. Come on.

If it'll make you feel better, I'll do it at the same time.

Your white customs are very strange to the people of my valley.

Spoken like a man with toothpick legs.

Oh, yeah?

Did someone order up some chocolate thunder? Let me check that out.

Hey!

George.

No one wants to see your chocolate thunder.

Your thighs of steel or your Mexican jumping butt cheeks.

I can't thank you enough for taking my boy in.

We agree. That's why we want money. Angie, give him the kid's bill. George.

I'm sorry.

What my husband is trying to say is that we're on a budget and your son's

expenses were a bit more than we expected.

The kid eats like Christy Ellie with a tapeworm.

We broke the bill down into food, utilities, and labor.

What kind of labor?

Well, helping Jason with his homework, cheering him on at his games, it's hard

to put a dollar figure on encouragement.

But we did, and here it is.

Well, I hope you didn't think I wasn't going to cover my son's room and board.

I pay my bills.

Now, this should cover Jason's expenses so far.

Thank you. We really appreciate it.

And this should cover Jason's expenses in the event that you could...

Keep him for another three months until he goes to college.

Another three months? Look, sir, Jason broke a major house rule this morning,

okay? And I don't think $10 ,000 I can believe.

Holy cow, I'm just going to say this. Do you need a mistress?

No.

So, whatever rule Jason broke, I think can be overlooked now, right?

I think I know what you're trying to do with this check. And let me say to you,

sir, bravo.

What happened? Can you stay?

I told her to stay away to think about it.

I hate when you do that because as a father it tears me up inside because

my little girl and I love you so much.

That's how you do it. Lesson's over.

Why don't you two go into the living room? Your father and I need to talk.

What are you thinking?

You know, I don't like the idea of some rich guy coming in here and trying to

buy me off.

But when it actually happens and you see the check, it's not so offensive.

Daddy, you're back already? How was Vegas?

I haven't slept in three days.

I reek of booze and cigarettes and lost all my money.

I can't wait to go back.

So, how was your weekend?

We caught Jason and Carmen in bed together.

We were going to kick Jason out of the house, but then his dad offered us ten

grand to keep him here for the summer.

That's not good.

What would you do, Daddy?

Well, you have to ask yourself.

Do you think you did a good job as a parent?

Did you instill the right values in your children?

Ultimately, do you think you raised Carmen well enough to trust her?

I'll call his dad and ask him to pick him up.

Why are

you carrying your backpack like that?

Because you said to take better care of my stuff.

Max, what's in the backpack?

Just booze.

that was in his bed. Now it's in his backpack.

Oh.

There's whiz all over my book report.

Max, why is there urine in your backpack?

Somebody paid me for it. Who would do that?

You know, there's drug testing at the factory next week.

I'm going to say something to you that I haven't said to anyone in years.

Is my mom buying your pee?

He's going to kill me.

What's going on in here? I knocked over a lamp. My dad will pay for it. I don't

care about the lamp. You don't yell at my daughter that way. This is between me

and Carmen. No, this is between you and me now.

Jason, stop.

Carmen, what happened? I've never seen Jason like that. I don't know.

It's been happening ever since he started football camp. It's like...

Mood swings, aggressiveness, smashing things.

Either he's doing drugs or he's my ex -wife.

No, no, he's not doing drugs. Plus, they test for drugs at the camp.

Did you tell Jason you're peeing?

Yeah, but I thought he was just going to put it in water balloons and throw it

at girls.

You know, teenage stuff.

Hey, what are you doing? You can't go through Jason's stuff.

Your night.

The steroids.

You better go after him.

Okay, well, give me like six of these because I want to be able to catch him.

Where's Jason?

Couldn't find him. How could you not find him?

Look, Andy, just because you're on steroids doesn't mean there's a trail of

overturned cars and giant footprints leading down the street.

Why did George chase Jason?

Jason won alone.

You know, I love Jason, but I am feeling a lot better about our decision to get

him out of the house.

Hey, you will never do steroids. You understand?

They will mess you up. Believe me, I'm not going to do any drugs.

If my pee isn't pure, I'm out of business.

You're out of business now. Go upstairs and flush your inventory.

I got Angie's message. I am so sorry.

Come on in.

Why didn't you tell me at dinner that you found them in bed together?

I never would have offered you the money to keep Jason.

I know you wouldn't trade your daughter's sexual innocence for $10

Of course not. No.

Blaine, after I called you, Carmen and Jason got into a fight and Jason stormed

out of the house. I'll try calling him on his cell.

Lots of drama at that age, huh?

It's worse than you think.

You know, Jason's doing steroids.

Well, that's okay.

I'm the one who got in the trainer and who put him on the regiment.

What? Look, if he's going to play Division I football, he's going to be up

against some 300 -pound monsters.

If he doesn't bulk up, he's going to get killed.

But the kids got roid rage. He screamed at my daughter. He almost started a

fight with me.

He even broke one of my family's antique lamps.

I can put a dollar figure on this later.

Let me tell you something. This is none of your business.

Let me worry about my son. You've got your hands full with your daughter.

What's that supposed to mean?

Jason told me about her running away and getting kicked out of school last year.

Look, my daughter may have problems, but at least she's not on steroids.

So if she becomes impotent, angry, and gets hair in all the wrong places,

genetic. She gets that from her grandmother.

Look, a trainer is watching over Jason.

I don't know how you do things at the factory, but, uh...

One thing I've learned is that sometimes you have to take a little risk in order

to succeed.

Look, I know about success.

That private jet that you flew in on has landing gear. You know who runs the

factory that makes that landing gear?

Me. You guys do the landing gear for Gulfstream?

You got one of the big ones?

When Jason shows up, call me.

Look, let me tell you something.

A good parent will do anything he can to give his son the competitive edge.

Look, my son doesn't need a competitive edge. He just made 200 bucks today

selling your kid pee.

I can't believe Jason's

taking that crap.

What did his dad say?

His dad made him do it. Doesn't think he's big enough.

God, I hate that guy.

Nothing Jason ever does is good enough for his dad. Why does he keep trying to

please him?

Well, when you're a kid who never gets love, you'll do anything for it.

When I was little, I thought about setting myself on fire.

So my mom would wrap me in a blanket and hold me.

God, Dad, that's horrible.

Well, you and Mom love me unconditionally, right?

You know, Carmen, we won't know that until you're on fire.

Can I come in?

Are you going to freak out again?

I'm cool now.

Are you Canseco?

Look, I'll let you in if you promise Jason no hurt George.

George friend to Jason.

Okay. What are you thinking, dude?

I'm sorry I lost it.

Look, I just came back to get my stuff.

I'll call my dad. He'll probably have me go live with the trainer.

So you're going to keep doing steroids?

How else am I going to get bigger?

Man, do it old school.

Lift weights.

You might have to work twice as hard, but that way you can walk around the gym

with your head held high and your huevos down low.

Because, you know, this junk makes them go like that.

I got to do it. I can't let my dad down.

Look, Jason, you may have to face the fact that you may never get his

I mean, I've been waiting my whole life for my mom to give me one way to go,

George, or good boy. I'm so proud of you.

Mr. Lopez, I think your mom's proud of you. Why? What did she say? You heard

say something?

Look, I appreciate you trying to help, but I really don't have a choice in

Yeah, you do.

If you tell your dad you're not going to do steroids, I'll let you live here.

Oh, that would be awesome.

But, you know, if I stand up to him, he's not going to give you the ten

Oh, yeah, maybe that isn't the best solution.

No, no, no, wait, wait, wait.

I'll get a part -time job and pay for my expenses.

Come on, I won't break any more rules.

Please, Mr. Lopez.

If you make it to the NFL, I'm going to need you to find some underwear and give

them to me.

What kind of idiot buys an athlete's underwear?

All right, I'm done opening up. Here's the deal.

You stay in the garage.

You never go to Carmen's room. You don't even go to the second floor.

You shower in the yard with the hose.

You can use the dog as your towel.

Thanks so much.

Hey!

No crust, George.

Should I go apologize to Carmen?

No. You know what? Call your dad first.

Okay.

Are we calling your dad to come pick him up?

Um, no. He's calling his dad to tell him he's gonna stay here.

What?

I don't believe it.

You just decided that the kid who had roid rage, bought our son's pee, and

in our daughter's room is going to be staying with us, and you didn't even

to me about it?

Why you gotta say it like that all negative?

That's why the kids come to me, because I love them unconditional.