Original subtitles

Okay, Bernie and Linda.

Which of these dinosaurs was the meat eater?

An Allosaurus?

An Apatosaurus?

Or a Brachialosaurus?

He's cheating. He is reading in a thicker accent, so we won't understand

question.

Fine, I'll read it.

Okay.

What is it?

Allosaurus?

Apatosaurus or Broccosaurus.

Come on, Mom, you should know this one. Think back. Which one did you fight for

food?

None. They all died when your head blotted out the sun.

So that's what it feels like to be a proud mother.

Oh, I'm sorry, George. I'm just playing with my big brother. That's pretty

immature for someone I'm not touching. I'm not touching.

dance max lousy he's bummed because he didn't dance with anyone i don't know

i looked like an idiot why didn't you tell me i would have taught you here

over here where there's room and do what i do huh

There's one dance you need to know, and it doesn't matter what song it is,

because it's always cool.

What is it? I call it the G -Lobot. Watch out.

Huh? And it doesn't matter what the moves are, because a robot can do

I call this milking the cow. Watch out.

Now I'm eating corn. Watch out. Ding, ding, ding, ding.

Ding, ding, ding, ding.

Ignoring Max, you have Cuban blood.

Of course you can dance.

Here. Watch me and Carmen.

Remember when I was a kid, I should be about

having a big family like the ones on TV.

I'd even yell at the screen, it's not enough, adopt a little Mexican boy.

I think that's what I always wanted.

Well,

my plans for a family have been put off for a while.

Yeah, Timmy and I broke up. The wedding's off.

What happened?

irreconcilable differences.

Yeah. I wanted to communicate more and she wanted to have sex with strangers

while I was at work, so... Oh, that's tough, man. You know, maybe I ought to

take a break from dating. I mean, forget about women for a while. Yeah, you're

probably right.

So your sister's single, right?

Ernie, you're like a brother to me. That's my sister. Be too weird.

I never considered you a brother.

We just work together.

Yeah. Excuse me. I've got business over here.

I

can't

do that.

What the heck?

Eat corn. Eat corn.

You're going to die alone.

Here. You just have to find the beat and move to it.

Feel the rhythm, okay? Let me show you. Uh -huh.

You know, I'm more of a hands -on person.

I could do a lot better if I had a partner.

Oh, come here, you.

You must surrender your pelvis to the music.

You know,

my pelvis is really uncomfortable with this.

Can we switch partners, please?

Want to relive senior prom?

Linda!

Wow, what a nice surprise seeing you two days in a row.

You know, some people would call that fate.

Some people would call that stalking.

What's going on?

I'm helping Carmen look through some college scholarships.

Dad, we found one where all I have to do is write an essay about the biggest

obstacle I had to overcome in my life. Can you help me?

I got it.

Dear College.

One time I lost my cell phone, so I went to a pay phone and I called it. My

purse started ringing. I thought, it's just so weird. Someone's calling me at

the same time I am. True story. So give me all your money, Harvard people.

I'll help you with your essay this weekend.

So, um, you probably have big plans this weekend, huh?

No, not really. I'm going to go home, get some pizza, maybe watch TV.

Well, in that case, um...

Make sure you get up and stretch every couple hours.

You know, you could get a black clot and die of thrombosis.

Yeah, you could wear controlled pantyhose, but that's really for

You know, I keep talking, and I don't mean to.

Stop for a breath. Run.

Okay. Good night, Ernie. I'll see you guys game night.

I told you, man, you can't go out with my sister.

If I had a sister, I'd let you go out with her. I wouldn't go out with your

sister. Oh, so my imaginary sister's not good enough for you? What?

Look, I don't want to hurt your feelings, but... I just know she'd be

Yeah,

probably.

with us while they tented condo for termites. You don't need exterminators,

Just get all the bugs together and tell them stories about Cuba. They'll kill

themselves.

What's with the tux?

Thursday night is a cardiologist association dinner at the Beverly Hills

Honey, you're going to have to go to Jason's playoff game alone.

I should go with Daddy to his cardiologist dinner.

No, that is sweet, but no, no.

It would be too hard for me seeing you in a room full of men you should have

married.

Yeah, I guess Angie could have married a cardiologist, huh?

Got divorced, taken half his money, hooked up with some young stud. Oh,

what your wife did.

They hit a nerve.

Look, all the other doctors know my wife left me.

So if I go alone, I will be pitted.

I really need a date.

I mean, that shouldn't be hard. I mean, you got a lot going for you, man. You're

a doctor, you're rich, huh?

You're a cardiologist?

You're wealthy?

You've been to medical school? You got bucks?

That's six things right there off the top of my head.

George, I'm sure I would make quite an impression with your sister on my arm.

Do you think Linda would accompany me?

No way.

She's part of the family, Vic, and I'm just getting to know her.

What is she going to think?

Welcome to the Lopez's. Friday night we play board games. Saturday night's for

inbreeding.

I'm not talking about dating her. I'm just talking about her companionship for

one evening. Okay, forget the fact that she's family, Vic. She's way too young

for you.

Are you kidding?

Half the doctors there have dumped the loyal woman that put them through

school and now are dating hot, hot, hotties.

Okay, you're not going on a date with Linda, okay? Forget about it. End of

discussion.

Would $1 ,000 reopen the discussion?

No, but you're my father -in -law and I respect you, so if you have something to

say, say it.

But I know you owe me $1 ,000 for the loan to rebuild your garage.

Convince Linda to be my escort for the evening and I will forgive the loan.

What would I tell Angie?

Nothing.

Okay, let me get this straight.

You're offering me $2 ,000 to set you up with my sister.

I said $1 ,000.

I'm telling you, my sister do. Don't lowball me.

Why isn't the kid down?

You know what we should do?

Watch SportsCenter and then... We said our wedding was right. We have become

one.

your sister.

Did I tell you, Angie, I paid off the garage?

Well, I had a wonderful evening.

I was the envy of every doctor in the room. You are so cute.

I will see you Saturday.

I'm counting the hours.

Okay. I guess A or to go.

Cardiology puns, huh?

Ah, you found my witness.

Daddy,

what's going on? What are you two doing here? I thought you were at the baseball

game. Jason pitched a no -hitter and the game finished early. What were you

doing kissing my sister?

It wasn't supposed to be a real date.

You knew about this?

Angie, please let your father speak.

Look, I know Linda's your sister and this is very awkward for all of us, but

never planned for this night to become romantic.

I see.

Your hands were full with her butt, so you shook goodnight with your tongue.

I don't like this.

It's hard enough to see you with someone other than Mom, but my sister -in -law?

No, this is wrong.

Angie, I'm not just your father.

I'm a man. I need love, affection, and a woman to do this thing to my ears that

I like.

I can't... I can't believe you made out with my sister.

George, I said I was sorry.

I promise you I will be a complete gentleman when I take her out Saturday.

Okay, you're not taking her anywhere, man. This is over. You're not dating

Linda. Why not?

Because when it ends, it's gonna be ugly.

I just got her back in my family, Vic. I'm not gonna let you ruin it.

What makes you think it'll end badly?

Oh, I don't know, Vic. Maybe she's 35, you're 90.

She speaks English, and you're done.

Look, she might want a bundle of joy and diapers someday, but it shouldn't be

her boyfriend.

Look, I know you don't like this.

But I want to date your sister, and I'm going to.

No, you're not, because I forbid it.

Forbid? Oh, no, no, no, no, no. You do not use that word on Victor Garcia

Lantigua Palmero.

Castro forbid me from leaving the island, but I did it.

My parents forbid me from marrying Emelina, but I did it. The president of

condo association forbid me from having pets, but I feed stray cats every night.

I don't...

Hey, Pop.

You've got a hell of a lot of nerve.

I was just looking out for you. I don't need you to look out for me. What is

going on here?

Look, you are both my children. If you're having a fight about something, I

to help sort it out.

All right.

You're going to go three rounds. No hair pulling or kicking.

I want it to be a clean fight.

Let's get it on!

Mom!

Can we just have a minute?

Yeah. Go hang upside down somewhere, bat.

Thank you.

George, you have been my brother for two months. You can't tell me who to date.

Look, Linda, just picture Christmas. The kids are opening presents and Grandpa's

filling up Aunt Linda under the mistletoe. That's not right.

You've been married for 18 years. You have no idea what it's like out there.

kind of losers I attract.

selfish or they're threatened by my career. It's just really nice to go out

somebody who's mature and he knows what he wants. Well, if you're an older guy,

drive a Meals on Wheels van.

They let you in their house and you can make your move.

Show Mama how bad you want this tapioca pudding.

You may be my big brother, but you cannot tell me who to date.

I will see you on game night. I will, Vic, because we're all grown -ups and we

can all act. Like it.

Wait.

You know, I live my whole life with this constant fear of rejection.

Like if I open up, I'm gonna get hurt. But that's mostly in my head and I gotta

get past it.

Linda Lorenzo, what are you doing on Saturday night?

I have a date with Vic.

Okay. See you at game night.

family, but it's okay when it's somebody who is family.

There's $2 ,000 in it for me, okay?

I think it wasn't supposed to be a real date. I never thought they were going to

end up kissing.

He kissed her too!

Golly!

First your mom and then your sister?

Nombre, that's low class, George.

What do you mean, my mom?

When you guys went to Colorado, I walked in on them. Georgia was horrible.

like a giant fish sucking a broom.

Did you kiss Vic?

You are dead meat, Chatty Cathy.

I mean, I don't get it, Mom. I thought you could barely stand him.

George, we were drunk and we were watching boxing and you know how

Sweaty, bloody men get my horses running.

You know, I didn't, but thank you, Mommy.

So, who's coming tonight?

I invited everyone, Angie, including Linda and your dad.

George, no!

Look, I know you're still mad at Vic, but they both need to be here. We have

some things we have to settle.

But I can't pretend that I'm okay with... and just play board games while

watch my dad make eyes at someone just a couple years older than me. You and I

are the same age and she's my younger sister.

My point is that you're beautiful.

I asked you, Vic, when did you fall headfirst into the La Brea tar pits?

Well, I dyed it myself.

Apparently, when the box says four minutes, they mean four minutes.

Well, I think it looks good, really. I mean, if you don't mind, I got some old

dress shoes I like to buff on your head.

You know, maybe if you were dating someone your age, you wouldn't feel the

to try to look younger.

Who says that's why I dyed my hair?

Why else would you do it?

Maybe he wanted the drapes to match the carpet.

Don't move.

There's a black cat on Vic's head.

Probably after the black mouse under his nose.

Hey, George, could I talk to you for a second? It's important.

What's going on?

Watch out. Check it out.

That's $2 ,500.

That's more than Vic paid.

I want to buy a date with your sister.

You're not buying my sister.

But I do have an older model that's taking up valuable showroom space.

Oh, Linda.

You look beautiful.

Did that to your hair.

It was an accident.

You hate it, don't you?

Well, it's really... Yeah, that's smooth. Put her on the spot there, Super

Mario.

Okay.

Now that we're all here, we're going to start with a different game tonight.

It's called Bombshells. In the suburbs, it's called... You might want to sit

down for this.

It's a shocker.

In the hood...

It's called, Oh, No, You Didn't.

What are you talking about?

Angie, there's something you need to know about your dad.

Linda, he kissed our mommy.

And I'm not talking a peck on the cheek. I'm talking full -on mustache to

mustache.

What?

Daddy?

You told.

No, it was Ernie.

told because it wasn't fair, all right? The only reason George let him go out

with Linda is because Vic gave him $2 ,000.

Dude!

What?

You pimped me out for $2 ,000?

Why you gotta say it like that, negative?

Hey, I didn't know you guys were gonna end up kissing.

It was to forgive a debt and, you know, some mad money.

Linda, please believe me.

The kiss with Benny meant absolutely nothing.

Oh, this is so thick.

You are using my daughter to win me over.

What, am I way off?

Look, whatever happened between me and your mother doesn't change the way I

about you.

That's sweet.

But I'm kind of nauseous.

And I just... I think you have a lot of issues you need to work on before we

ever go out again.

So, what I'm hearing is we're going out again? Oh, Eddie.

Come on, Vic, man. She's trying to be nice, man. Don't make her say it.

Say what?

I think it's probably best if we just stay friends.

Ouch! That hurt from over here.

Thank you all for playing. Oh, no, you didn't.

Okay, now, I think it's best if we play the game and never mention this again.

Okay, we need three teams. Who wants to pick?

Oh, I think it's obvious how we divide up now.

You and George are on a team against the two people Linda will never sleep with.

team who got tongued by the hairy Cuban.

Who's got the dice?