Original subtitles

Pussy!

George, I can't believe you're letting Max watch this movie.

It's completely inappropriate.

No, I'm teaching him a life lesson.

You see, son, it doesn't matter how much you love a woman.

When an alien lays eggs in her body, you gotta cut her head off.

George, don't fill his head full of that junk. Turn on the news.

The family dog that dug up the charred, headless corpse.

In local news, another fire damaged an apartment. Wait a minute.

I know him. That's Spencer Vogel.

Who? A boy I dated in Miami right before I moved to L .A.

My first real love.

Really? What happened?

I dumped him.

You dumped him, but you kept this?

What's so special about him?

You put some lights in here, put me in makeup.

Welcome back to Live Room News. I'm Jorge Lopez.

Tonight's top story.

Angie sees another old boyfriend who is now clearly gay.

I'll bet that anchor guy makes a lot of money, Dad.

Yeah, but he spends it all on faith, Liv.

It looks like every story surprises him.

We'll be right back with sports.

get to kiss them? He's got those big, full lips.

Yeah, they're full all right.

They're full of fat they suck from his ass.

I just want to thank the Action 8 news team for welcoming me into their family.

And you folks for welcoming me into your home.

Good night, L .A.

What a jerk.

George, that's so sweet.

You're jealous.

Why should I be jealous?

I won.

He might have pumped the tires, but I'm riding the bike.

if the bike makes a call and congratulates Spencer on his success.

Go ahead, call him. I will.

I don't care.

Because I know who I am inside.

I'm self -centered and secure.

you something, George. Harness racing is fixed, okay? Just leave it at that.

Hi, is this Channel 8? I'm calling for Spencer Vogel.

This is Angie Palmero. He'll remember me.

Palmero? He doesn't know me as Angie Lopez.

He doesn't even know you exist. Excuse me.

Spencer Vogel? The new man candy on Channel 8?

How does Angie know him?

He's from Miami. They used to date in high school.

She dumped him for me.

And I thought I couldn't pick a horse.

Hey, that was fast.

Well, he couldn't talk, but he was so excited to hear from me. We're going to

lunch tomorrow.

That'll be fun, huh? Lunch with the anchorman?

In breaking news, our waitress just informed us our salads will be right up.

George, are you okay with this? Because if it's going to bother you, I don't

have to have lunch with Spencer.

Angie, please, come on, I'm fine. Go ahead. Okay.

And now a word from the devil.

Don't worry, George.

She is not going to leave you for this guy.

I know that.

She's just going to meet him in a hotel.

And she will look back on it as the one time in her life when she really felt

like a woman.

Hey, hey, hey.

I make my wife feel like a woman every Friday night.

Unless she's got an avocado mask.

Then every time I see her, I get so hungry, I want to dip a chip on her

Just don't say I didn't warn you.

Mom, just because my father cheated on you doesn't mean that everyone cheats.

Oh, you're right.

What do I know about people? You know what? Maybe your father didn't even

on me.

You know, maybe that truckload of panties really did tip over on the

Angie's not going to risk losing me.

Our marriage is solid.

It's built on love and trust.

And that equity loan on the house that's in her name could, like, convince her

we're a team.

George.

I'm just saying, crap happens, okay?

And you might want to get yourself a lawyer. Mom. And a good one. You know,

that little bulldog that saved Kobe's nuggets.

Get a little higher.

Like that.

Oh, hey, George.

Call the police, man. There's a supermodel trying to steal Angie's

Thank you, Ernie.

Hey, that's what you wore to lunch with Spencer?

What are you, shooting a tool calendar after dessert?

Come on, he's taking me to that new place, Onyx. I want to look good.

How come you don't wear that kind of stuff when I take you to lunch?

Well, okay, I will, as long as you lean back and let the kid working the drive

-thru see me, too.

Hey, Angie, Angie.

Ask Spencer if he can get me an autograph from that new weather girl,

Fujimoto.

Ma 'am, my three -day forecast for her is hot, hot, hot.

And then the cold shower is cooling down my downtown area.

Oh, don't forget I'm meeting some clients for a wedding rehearsal right

lunch, but I'll see you at dinner.

Oh, have fun.

What do you mean have fun? Whose side are you on?

I'm not taking sides. I'm just having lunch with the guy.

Golly.

You know what?

Let's see how she feels when I go with one of my exes.

What are you doing?

In the yearbook.

I remember a few girls who signed it who still might want to grab a seat on the

G train.

Wish I could have known you better.

Wish I could have known you better.

Who are you?

Hey, dude, thanks for letting me hide behind your big head in math.

Here we go.

Remember Cindy Coronado? Oh, she was super hot.

Check out what she wrote.

George, you rock.

You rock harder than Eddie Van Halen and David Lee Roth put together.

I'm sorry I never went out with you.

I'll regret it the rest of my life.

Yeah, well, that's cool and everything, but isn't that your handwriting?

It's a little squiggly like that.

Yeah, right. I suppose I put my mom's lipstick on and kissed the page, too.

Hey, wait a minute.

Why do you need to make Angie jealous anyway?

If you were the biggest loser in the world back then and you got her, what

you worried about now?

Yeah, you're right.

I'm better now than I ever was.

Spencer needs three hours in makeup. I wake up and I'm like this.

I'm glad you're here.

I was sorely ambitious with my bike route and I need a ride home.

Gentlemen, I have destroyed my scrotum.

Well, talk to my mom, Vic. I'm sure she's got an extra pair laying around

somewhere.

Hey, man, what do you remember about Angie's old boyfriend, Spencer Vogel?

Is he still talking about him?

He was a loser going nowhere.

I will never understand why she was so devastated when he broke up with her.

Wait a minute.

I thought she broke up with him. Oh, no.

She was wild for him.

She cried and cried, but I told her that the attraction was just physical and

the looks were meaningless.

Evidently, the lesson sunk in.

She lied to me.

George, that was 20 years ago. What difference does it make who dumped who?

Because if he dumped her, she could still have a thing for him. He's the one

that got away.

Oh, man, that's why she went out with me.

She dropped the level so she'd never get dumped again.

Now what are you doing? I'm going to the restaurant.

George, that's crazy.

Look, Angie is the most important thing in my life. And I'm not going to let

some rich, good -looking dude make a move on her.

God, I drove her to this.

You know, last night she was wearing the avocado mask and rollers.

And she had a little leg stubble.

I should have just pictured Salma Hayek and went for it.

George,

George, calm down.

Calm down. You're too upset.

You're going to go in there and you're going to make a fool out of yourself.

Look, Angie's in there and I got to stop him before it's too late. It's a

restaurant. What could they be doing?

of our finest wine. As you wish, sir.

I'm going in there. Can I help you?

Yeah, I'm with the Vogel party.

I don't have any Vogel party here.

Oh, try Palmaro.

I don't have them either.

That's impossible, man. She's got to be in there.

I'm sorry. You know, my friend, he just needs to talk to his wife.

Yeah, they're working through some stuff.

I'm sure he'll be right back.

I tried some sushi once.

Yeah. I was sick for four days, but, you know, I'm not blaming you.

So what's the deal with the no -shoe thing?

She's not in there.

She lied to me again.

Where did she go with Vogel?

My mom's right.

She's cheating on me.

broken, too.

I get up about 11.

What say you, me, and your buddy jump in a car? We go to Vegas.

Get some party girls and turn this whole thing around.

Yeah, I'm in.

Find a ride home, Ernie. I'm gonna go look for my wife.

So we can still go to Vegas?

I just have to call my mom and let her know I won't be home.

You know what? Me too.

Okay,

when you're walking down the aisle, remember to smile. This is your

wedding day, the beginning of a beautiful life together.

You know, I've been married 18 happy years, and each day is better than the

last.

I know you're sleeping with the anchorman.

This will just take a second.

Lost your mind?

I'm working here.

Look, you have been lying to me. I know you didn't dump Spencer. Spencer dumped

you. Who cares? It was a long time ago. It doesn't matter now. And it certainly

doesn't mean that I was sleeping with him.

Then what about today's lie?

I've been looking for you for two hours, Angie. What have you been doing with

Spencer? Because you didn't have lunch with him.

What happened?

What's bad? Heart beating faster?

Starting to sweat?

Beating little eyes looking all over the room.

The answer's not over there. Look over here, liar.

There's nothing going on between me and Spencer. And I can explain it at home,

when I'm not working.

No, I want to know now. This is not the time or the place to discuss this.

Angie!

Sorry. Now, where were we, hmm?

I called yesterday. He didn't even want to have lunch. He told me to get over

it. I was humiliated. Are you happy?

Angie, I don't think this is the time or place to air our dirty laundry.

Marriage. Hey, got a lot to look forward to. Peaks and valleys.

Love you.

I know I acted like an idiot, but I wouldn't have gone down there if you

lie to me in the first place.

George, how could I possibly tell you the truth?

How could I tell you that he dumped me and he never wanted to see me again?

You put me on this pedestal like I'm some kind of goddess.

And I always wanted you to believe that you won the prize. That caught me on the

rebound from Spencer.

I did this for you, George.

Oh, so close!

I bet the only reason you called him in the first place was to make me jealous.

No. I wanted to know why the hell he dumped me.

No one's ever dumped Angie Palmaro. I'm a prize, damn it!

Look, I know that. Angie, why do you think I got so freaked out when I

might lose you?

Look, everything good in my life is because of you.

You've never said that before.

Well, I'm never going to say it again, so I hope you enjoy it.

Spencer Vogel is not half the man you are.

Why are we still talking about Spencer Vogel?

Look, it's a long story, and it makes Angie look bad, so I'm going to tell it

anyway.

She saw Spencer on TV and called him up to have lunch.

What? He cannot do that.

He cannot break the contract.

What contract?

What contract? Daddy.

It's water under the bridge.

Forget it.

I will call Spencer right now.

He probably won't take the call.

What does it matter? It's a small thing, really. I paid him $10

,000 to break it off with you and never see you again.

What?

You paid him to get out of my life?

How dare you?

Yeah, how dare you?

Hey, man, you hated my guts, so you never offered me a dime.

on your Def Leppard T -shirt, struggling to read a comic book, and I thought,

well, he'll destroy himself.

This changes everything.

No, it doesn't, Angie. I mean, if your dad hadn't have paid Spencer off, we

never would have met.

This means that we were meant to be together.

Not that.

It means I've never been dumped.

I did the right thing.

He was a loser.

So, George, what would you have done if I had offered you $10 ,000

to never see Angie again?

Look, I can't believe you're saying this.

I mean, this offends me.

And $200 ,000 small?

Non -sequential ways.

Under the lemon tree.

Tomorrow morning.

You won't be contacted again.

Face it. Deep down, all men are cheaters.

more insulting if you hadn't just pulled an ace out of your sleeve.

Benny, that's not true.

I was completely faithful.

It was my wife who cheated on me. Well, that's just because she was the man in

the relationship.

That hurts coming from another man.

Hey, you know, I'll be honest. I've been tempted to cheat before.

Dude, flipping the magazine from one bride to another is not cheating.

I'd never cheat on Angie. I mean, I know how good I got it.

Guys, it's getting late. You should wrap it up. Come on.

Hey, where are you guys going?

Hi.

Hi, baby.

So,

it's Friday night.

You ready to come to bed?

I'll be right there, baby.