Original subtitles

George, that wasn't funny. And it wasn't funny when I was on the toilet last

night either.

Hey, maybe that'll teach you to close the door from now on.

Hey,

I did it to Ernie the whole game. It didn't bother him.

Just let me know when you're going to do it.

All right.

Ernie, I think you hurt your ears.

Okay.

You need beers.

So, Mom, you missed an awesome game.

Jason smacked two home runs and pitched a no -hitter.

I love him. Oh, I love him more. Oh,

yeah. I appreciate the support, Mr. Lopez, but when I struck out that guy in

last inning and the team piled on top of me, yeah, that's really just for the

players.

Well, your parents weren't there, man. Somebody's got to show you some love.

Dad, I won second place in the science... fair. Shh, I'm talking to

what kind of heat were you throwing? 90 miles an hour because you were like that

with your halloo. George, your son, Max, came in second at the science fair.

Oh, hey, I'm just messing with you, Max. What was your project?

I predicted what the next step in man's evolution would be.

Homo avianus.

We grow wings.

What was in first place, boiling water?

Well, I'm proud of you, son, so...

When do we get these wings? Because I'm ready right now.

In a thousand years, when everything's underwater except really tall fruit

trees, mankind's going to need wings to get the food.

Why don't we just use both?

Yeah, I got the trophy. I ain't giving it back.

We should go out tonight and celebrate.

You're right. Mac, while you're in there, put on some good pants. We're

Jason out in honor of his big day.

for you to celebrate that flying homo thing.

Actually, Mr. Lopez, my parents felt bad about not being at the game, so they're

making dinner for me and Carmen.

Oh, well, oh, hey, how crazy would it be for them to set two more places for me

and Mrs. Lopez?

Pretty crazy.

I know you're really excited about Jason's baseball career, but you have a

who just won at the science fair.

I'm proud of Imagine, but it's hard to get excited about science. I mean,

there's no fans, there's no stats, there's no Hall of Fame for their

moments. They're called museums, George.

That place we walked to the giant human heart?

There's a Saturday I want back.

This is the aorta. Wow.

Let's find this guy's rectum and get the hell out of here.

this is about.

You're going to Jason's games and cheering him on because your mom never

that for you when you were a kid.

That's got nothing to do with that. Everything with you has to have deep

meaning. I go to his games and I pretend he's my kid sometimes I pretend I'm

him. Don't make it complicated.

Well, maybe you should show some of that interest in what your kids are doing.

Do you even know your daughter set up her own website?

Oh, no. She's got a little cameras in her room.

Poetry, George? Yeah, maybe to the perverts on the Internet it's poetry.

But to me it's just strangers watching my daughter bounce around in her pajamas

for $5 .99.

It's a website of her poetry.

What?

Long poem, long poem.

Desperate cry for help.

Oh, look, a link to Jason.

And just a website for his baseball team. Listen to what the coach says

him.

Jason's leading the team in ERA and slugging percentage.

I can't imagine what kind of season we'd be having if he had moved to

Switzerland with his parents. What?

Jason's parents moved to Switzerland?

That's not possible. He and Carmen have been having dinner with them every

Friday night for the last month.

Well, they've been lying and they've been alone at his house all this time.

It's campus, Mac.

Who's your big man on campus?

And he's the second best in science? Orale, get ready to get lapped by

What are we having for dinner? Chicken.

I'm throwing another load in the washer. Give me that sweatshirt.

What are

you

guys doing sneaking around Jason's backyard?

Catching you in a lie!

We know Jason's parents are in Switzerland.

And we know what you've been doing here for the last month. Carmen!

You promised us you weren't going to have sex.

Dad, I was doing Jason's laundry.

When we go home, we're going to go to teenslang .com and find out what the

this term doing laundry means.

How would you guys stop freaking out? I'm actually doing his laundry. Yeah, I

swear we haven't done anything wrong.

Then why did you lie?

Well, because I knew you guys would freak out if you found out Jason's

were out of town.

Well, what kind of parents just leave their kid alone in a house and then go

to live in another country? That can't be legal.

No, it's not. It's called abandonment.

At least that's what the cops said when he dragged my mom back from Tijuana.

And made her untie me from the lemon tree. I went like that.

Dad, his parents didn't abandon him. They're just letting him stay here to

finish up the baseball season.

Yeah, but do his parents know that he's shacking up with my daughter?

You know what? Maybe I should call him and tell him.

No, no, no, I'm not supposed to have anyone over. Please, Mr. Lopez, don't

them. Don't make me leave.

Mr. Lopez, this is a really big shot for me.

I mean, scouts are coming. I could even get drafted next year.

Oh, my chicken's done.

Oil up, my chicken's done.

Hey!

You mean you're cooking and doing laundry? How come you don't do that at

house? Can you believe this, Angie?

I've never seen this much granite.

I deserve this kitchen.

We need more money.

Look, Jason's all alone here. He needs me to take care of him. Look, he's not a

baby, Carmen. Let him do it himself.

But I cook and clean for you.

That's different. You enjoy it, and it relaxes you.

Come on, Carmen. We're leaving. What? I'm not leaving. Yes, we are. And you

what? Because you lied to us, you can only see Jason at our house when we're

home. What?

That's what you get for lying.

And don't try to sneak over here because I'll find you. I don't care what kind

of security this rich neighborhood has. I'll get in.

Wait a minute.

There's a guard gate. How did you get in? How did I get in? Like this? What's

up? Pizza?

Pizza for your family?

Your life time shit?

Who's Carmen?

She's at the library.

Yeah?

How do you know she didn't sneak over to Jason's house?

Because she sent me a picture of herself from the library on her cell phone.

Man, I wish they had these when I was a kid.

Mom, I would have sent a picture to the social services of you hitting me.

Oh, come on. If you couldn't hang on to your sippy cup when I smacked you, what

makes you think you could have held on to a phone?

She didn't teach a mouse to roll over and play dead.

She just put tequila in its water bottle.

First place?

We should celebrate, right, George?

Uh, yeah. You know, Max, I don't say this enough, but I'm really proud of

son, all right? So why don't you go upstairs and put on a nice shirt? We're

going to take you out to dinner anywhere you want. Tonight's all about you.

Yeah.

Carmen, honey, slow down.

What happened?

Okay, we'll be right down.

What is it?

Carmen and Jason just got arrested.

What? I thought you said she was at the library.

She lied to us. There was a party at Jason's house and somebody brought

Let me see the camera phone.

Hey, what's that for? I'm going to show her what a hard life of partying does.

Let me see your ankles. Get out.

I've already been booked to spend downtown for felicity. I knew it.

This is all your fault, Angie. I told you songs lead to prostitution.

I'm sure it's a different Carmen Lopez. Our daughter was at a party you guys

broke up. Okay, give me a minute.

You did, Angie.

Calm down. I'm not going to calm down. I'm not joking this time. I'm going to

kill her.

He doesn't mean it, officer. He's a law -abiding man. In fact, whenever there's

a beating on the news, he always cheers for your side.

That's right, man. I'm always happy when the fat cop shows up and he's all tired

because he had to hop the fence.

Man, that guy swings the wave.

Thank you, officer.

Drugs, Carmen? No, Dad, I can explain. I didn't do any drugs.

Let me guess. You were at the party and the drugs just happened to show up.

Yes. Is that you talking or the monkey on your back?

How many colors do you see, huh, junkie?

Do it.

Stop it.

Do it. Stop it.

Carmen, what really happened? Well, a bunch of guys from another school came

crashed the party and started smoking pot, and then the cops came, and no one

would admit the drugs were there, so they brought us all in for questioning.

Okay, sweetheart, you should have said that. Now I believe you.

Hurt, don't it, junkie?

Do it.

Angie, our pupils are huge.

She has dark... That's the way they always look.

Really? They're not green?

Look, I believe Carmen. If it wasn't true, they wouldn't be letting her go.

Yeah, well, she lied to us and went over to Jason's again.

You know what? Maybe they shouldn't let her go.

Maybe we should leave her in jail. That way we know she's not having sex or

doing drugs.

Sorry.

If you sign here, we can release you into your custody.

Excuse me?

McNamara gonna be released? He's not. He's a minor and his parents are out of

the country. We have no one to release him to.

Jason can't spend the night in jail?

I spend the night in jail once nothing happened to me. It's not the same, Dad.

Jason's pretty.

Dad, you have to do something.

Oh, can my parents sign for him? We're friends of the family.

Yes, but legally he'd be their responsibility until he can be turned

parents. You know what? Let him stay in jail. That'll teach him a lesson for

lying to us and getting our daughter arrested. Come on, Angie, let's go.

What's going to happen to him?

Well, if there's no one to release him to, he'll probably end up in a group

home. Dad, a group home! A group home? Come on, it sounds like fun.

Bung beds, sing -alongs, drive -bys are bad.

Come on, making a quilt with the names of your fallen homies? Give me a sequin

so I can put a teardrop on Spider.

If something happens to Jason, we'll never forgive ourselves.

Let's just take him home tonight and we will call his parents. Please, Dad.

All right, I'll sign.

Hey, my mom got arrested by an Officer Miller. Is he here because he

frisked her or something and she wanted me to get his phone number?

Give me your parents' phone number.

And you, I'll deal with your punishment later.

You ever been tied to a lemon tree?

This is where you can reach him in Switzerland.

I'll call him.

So, how was dinner?

Mine was great.

Grandma passed on the couch and I had a can of frosting.

Max, we didn't go to dinner. While you were changing your shirt, the police

called and we had to pick up Carmen and Jason.

No way.

You got arrested?

What'd you do?

Actually, Governor Schwarzenegger just passed a new law.

It's now a crime in the state of California to lie to your parents.

Is there anything you want to tell me, Max?

Max?

I've been drinking Carmen's clothes in the dryer so she thinks she's fat.

That's horrible.

Go to your room, bad boy.

Jason, your dad wants to talk to you.

What'd they say?

They're not coming back.

And they don't trust him to stay alone anymore.

They're going to wire us money so we can send him to Switzerland.

No, Jason can't leave. I'll never see him again.

Hey, if they send him money for first class, we'll send him back coach, would

you? I know, Dad.

Look, I'm sorry.

But if I leave, the Scouts won't see me play.

I might not get this chance again, please.

All right.

Jason's whole life shouldn't be ruined because of one stupid party.

Why can't he stay with us until the season's over?

You know, that's a great idea.

You guys can sleep in the same bed.

And I can get you one of those special lights that can grow pot in the closet.

You said the same thing when NSYNC broke up, but look, you're fine.

And so are Justin, Lance, Joey, Chris, and JC.

Whatever their names are.

Let me talk to your dad for a minute.

Come on, Angie, don't even start, please.

It would only be until baseball season's over.

I'm not going to have my 60 -year -old daughter and her boyfriend living under

the same roof.

George, keep in mind, he's going to be exposed to sides of Carmen he's never

seen. Cranky Carmen, moody Carmen, morning breath Carmen.

Hi.

You don't know what it's like to be a teenage boy with raging hormones.

When I was a freshman in high school, we had this girl, a foreign exchange

student, her name was Flexpa.

Didn't shave.

Didn't wash. She had a mole the size of a quarter on her forehead. It looked

like a bumblebee landed like that.

And one day in the hall, she passed me and she flashed this big cheesy yellow

smile and I thought to myself, You were a pig back

then. You're missing the point, Angie. She was the pig. I was a normal teenage

boy. He's not staying here.

George, wait.

You didn't talk to his dad.

He said, I guess we'll have to take him back.

Like he didn't even care about Jason.

But you know what, Angie? That's not our problem.

You know what Carmen told me? That even when his parents did live here, they

never went to any of his games.

They're not involved in his life. It's like he's raising himself.

Does that sound familiar?

What? Hey, how the hell can you compare my childhood to this rich kid's? He's

had everything handed to him. You saw his house?

They got a statue of a naked boy peeing in the pool.

That's money, Angie. That's classy like that. Hello.

Well, it may be a bigger house, but he's still alone in it.

Yeah.

Can he stay?

I'm going to go inside.

But, Dad. I don't want to hear it. Go inside.

I don't want you living in the same house as my daughter.

I understand.

God, I can't believe I screwed everything up.

There goes my dream of ever playing in the majors.

You know, when I was your age, I used to dream about playing pro baseball.

It's different, Mr. Lopez. I'm actually good.

I was good, too.

One time, bottom of the ninth inning, bases loaded.

I drove in the winning run. They even carried me off the field.

You hit a grand slam?

No, I leaned into a pitch and took one in the head.

Got my first kiss that day.

The paramedic said it was just CPR.

But she didn't fight the tongue, I don't like that.

Well, it doesn't matter now anyway.

Baseball's over for me.

I'm going to go hang out with Carmen while I still can.

Tell you what.

I'll make you a deal.

You stay for the rest of baseball season if you can knock a can off the fence.

Are you serious?

Yep. Or even call your parents in Switzerland and tell them you're

you got to do is knock off that can.

Okay, I thought.

Yodel -odel -ay -hee -hoo.

Look, I'm going to let you stay here so you can work on your control.

Thanks,

Mr. Lopez.

I promise I will not screw this up.

I'm going to go tell Carmen.

Yes.

Carmen.

Yeah, but I'm good.

Angie,

Jason broke your window!

I'm so glad your dad's letting me stay here.

I know, it's gonna be great.

When I go to bed, you'll be here.

When I wake up, you'll be here.

Maybe I'll come down for a midnight snack and you'll be here.

Carmen, I promised your dad I'd be on my best behavior.

Is he here?

Well, no.

No?