Original subtitles

Honey, I'm glad you're here. I have an appointment and Carmen needs help

preparing for her first meet with the debate team.

What? She made the debate team? Uh -huh.

Did they need a crier?

Testing makeup on animals should be outlawed.

Because bunnies are cute.

And it burns their eyes.

And then they're blind and they hop into traffic.

See, my mascara's running. They died for nothing.

Well, what do you think of my debate outfit?

Carmen, are you dressing like that because your ex -boyfriend's on the

team? Yep.

No one cheats on me without paying the price.

I'm going to distract Jason with my body and destroy him with my mind.

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

I'm distracted with my body.

I'm destroyed with my body.

I remember a time when I distracted one guy while I destroyed the other.

I remember that day.

You forgot to put a sock on the front door and I walked in on you.

That was not a good Mother's Day for me.

Okay, Dad, you're arguing for SUVs, and I'm making a case for hybrid cars. Okay,

good luck.

Resolved.

SUVs guzzle gas and destroy the environment and keep us at the mercy of

-rich foreign government.

Maybe. But my SUV's got a leather interior, a six -CD changer, and hybrids

bounce off me like bullets off Superman. What's that?

Resolved.

The floor recognizes Madam Hoochie.

While hybrids may be small, they are economical, and you can get a tax break

from the government.

And when presented in the driveway with a big giant bow on top, it makes a

memorable gift for your daughter's 16th birthday.

Madam Bat, may I rebut that?

The floor recognizes the gentleman with the monster truck -sized head.

That's not fair!

If you're so smart, Jason, tell us what happens when those resources are gone.

Uh... Hey, who's out of gas now at Rich Point?

Carmen, you have to concede that fossil fuel is cheaper than any other power

source.

Cheap? You want to talk about cheap?

How many times has America's trust been violated by someone

just going out and drilling some crude oil that a bunch of guys... already

tapped i will admit that sometimes we go

abroad to solve our energy needs and

the whole time right here at home we had such a precious untapped resource

that we'd do anything to get back

No one's tapping my country's resource until she gets married, I tell you that.

Look, I love my country.

And I want her to know I'm really, really sorry.

I withdraw my argument.

No, I withdraw mine.

Oh!

What do you mean, oh? He cheated on her. What kind of mom are you?

He's a kid.

Kids make mistakes.

So you would have forgiven me that easily if I had cheated on you in high

school?

Oh, honey, I know how many opportunities you had.

Thank you for being so loyal.

We'll find someone tonight.

Of course you could.

We'll go to the clubs. I thought me and you would be like Starsky and Hutch, eh?

You'll be my bait. I'll throw you out there like chum, and then I'll follow

behind.

All

my

friends know that I'm right.

I could cheat on you with the lady from the post office.

Uh -huh.

Or the big lady at the dry cleaner. She's always thanking me for being a

eater.

Uh -huh.

The girl at the bank.

Even when she's helping another customer, Angie, she can't help but

out.

She has a lazy eye, George.

Mom, Dad. Oh, Carmen, you got some more flowers from Jason.

Oh, yeah, it's our two -week anniversary.

He got you flowers for that?

Uh -huh, because I told him to.

This time, I'm calling the shot. He's going to have to jump through hoops

I can trust him again.

But when he broke your heart, Carmen, he broke all our hearts. I think I'm going

to stay emotionally unavailable until he gets me a putter. George.

And some cream for your mom's alligator elbows.

Mom, Dad, can you sit down? There's something I want to talk about.

Okay, Carmen, we talked about this, okay? You're not getting a car.

Oh, no, it's not that, but... I am turning 16 on Saturday, and I do feel

enough to... No tattoos either.

I want birth control pills.

What about a little butterfly on your ankle that says... That says virgin with

the wings closed, let them.

Dad, I'm serious.

Carmen, we're not getting you birth control pills. You're too young to have

Has Jason been pressuring you? No, no, this is my idea. I want to take

responsibility for my body. And when the time comes...

important, but they're not going to be enough. It's only 98 % effective against

pregnancy.

I want to be sure that I'm absolutely safe.

What do you mean, when the day comes?

Well, let's talk about that together.

How does March work for you?

I'm not going to pick the day my daughter loses her virginity.

And I'm sure as hell not going to...

approach what are the criteria i have to meet in order to have sex you have to

be married or have a letter from the pope don't

be such a hypocrite dad what were you married when you lost your virginity

mother was the first woman i was with and i married her so you've only had sex

with one woman don't say it like that that's the way it's supposed to be i'm

many women for your father

That's why you have the wigs.

Nice going, Angie. Cheer louder next time. The point is, your father and I

waited till we were of legal age.

All right, then. Let's compromise.

I won't have sex, but I'll still get the birth control pills. For what?

Well, they're good for your skin.

Your skin's fine. They think they might be good for your heart. You're 16. You

don't have to worry about your heart.

They help regulate your period.

Don't be so quick to give up the beauty of an unexpected period.

How about a nice cashmere sweater for your birthday? What color do you want?

You know, whatever color matches the cashmere shackles I wear in this house.

I know why the cage bird sings.

Well, you're dreaming if you think we're getting you a sweater and a bird.

You know who's behind this?

Jason. I hate him.

He left Carmen for that girl who had the reputation for doing everything. He's

got experience now.

Well, I think it's time Jason and I had a little talk.

Well, you better scare some sense into him, because I know at that age, when an

attractive guy pressures a girl to have sex, it's really hard to say no.

Sorry I pressured you, baby.

What?

In high school, you know, I might have come out a little too strong.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, that was tough.

Come here.

What's up, Mr. Lopez?

You know, we...

talk in a while.

Oh, I miss our talk.

So, still a virgin?

Uh, pretty much.

Come on, man. You left Carmen, you went over with that Cindy Leshen girl. Look,

I don't care, dude. I'm not her dad.

Tell me about it, stud. Watch out.

Look, Mr. Lopez, I'm new at this, but I... pretty sure that's not cool.

Are you a virgin or aren't you?

Carmen and I haven't done anything.

Oh, but you want to.

No.

Why not? She's a beautiful girl.

Okay, yes.

How dare you?

No!

Yes! I don't know.

What do you want me to say?

I want you to admit it, man. You're pushing my daughter to have sex.

I haven't even brought it up.

Don't lie to me.

I'm not, I swear.

Then why did she ask us for birth control pills?

Really? She asked for birth control?

No way.

No way should you allow her to have those.

So this wasn't your idea?

Look, Mr. Lopez, I'm walking on eggshells with Carmen as it is.

All right? I would never do anything to pressure her. I'm just glad she took me

back.

So was her idea.

All this time I've been worrying about boys pressuring her.

I even told her all the tricks guys would use to get her into bed. Oh, my

gave her a playbook.

No matter what she says, nobody just likes to lie there naked and hug.

Hey.

I just got paid for the Harris wedding.

and I'm in the mood to celebrate.

I know it's not the same as cash, but what do you say we get naked and roll

around on the check?

Not now. Come on.

Oh? Is somebody playing hard to get?

Well, I am not afraid to drag you upstairs and have my way with you,

This is why our daughter's a sexual predator. She gets it from you.

What?

I talked to Jason.

Carmen's the one who wants to have sex.

She's pressuring him?

That's what I said. You're so full of lust, you can't even hear right.

I don't feel good. My stomach hurts.

What did you eat, honey?

Well, I was in Carmen's room and I found some mints, but they didn't taste

right. Carmen!

What's up?

Oh, your brother ate some of your mints and he doesn't feel good.

What mints?

The ones in the little tin that's in your winter jacket under your bed.

Oh, my God.

Oh.

Those mints are probably just stale.

So how many did you take?

I ate five, Monday through Friday.

a month's worth on this wheel.

You're on the pill!

Well, so is Max.

Angie, call poison control.

Look, I'm sure everything's gonna be fine.

What's going on?

Uh, those weren't mint, honey.

They were birth control pills.

Oh, no.

What's gonna happen?

Your sister's gonna get killed.

And if you're anything like your mom, you may experience some tenderness

your breasts.

Poison control says you're going to be fine.

Are you having sex?

No. Then why did you go behind our backs to get these pills?

Carmen, we talked about this.

No, we didn't talk about anything. Dad told me what to do like I was some

kid. I didn't have any say in it. You want to have a say?

Say goodbye to these.

Where did you get the pills?

We went down to the free clinic. Unlike some people, they treat me like an

adult.

We?

Who went with you?

Was it Jacob? No, you know, it doesn't matter who it was because you're never

going to find out, so just let it go.

Max,

I'll give you five dollars, homeboy. You know anything.

I heard them talking.

Grandma Benny took her.

You're not getting a dime. Nobody likes a tattletale.

Just came in to get some snacks for the poker game.

We've already started, George.

You took my 16 -year -old daughter to get birth control?

You don't have to thank me.

Just give me 10 bucks for gas and we'll be even.

We have to talk. All right, before you say anything, I want to own up and take

full responsibility for driving her there.

was the one who told her about the free clinic and told her she didn't need her

parents' permission to get birth control there.

I've said it. Let the chips fall where they may.

To recap, it's Vic's fault.

Daddy, is that true?

Look, this wasn't easy for me, and I told Carmen that I did not condone her

behavior. But she said she was intent on doing this, and I told her about the

free clinic.

I did what any other doctor would do.

Of course, it's just information. It means nothing unless somebody drives her

there.

Your grandparents.

You're supposed to tell them what it was like when bread was a nickel, not pimp

them out.

Well, I stand by my decision.

Yeah?

Did you give Angie the pill when she was 16?

Absolutely not.

I gave it to her sister, Gloria.

Because when I said that sex was a sacred bond that should only occur

married man and his wife, you believed me.

She didn't.

Come on, let's get real here.

I got knocked up when I was 16. Do you want that to happen to Carmen?

Well, I just want everyone to know that I have not had sex yet.

And when that day comes, you will all get an email.

Okay.

Here's the deal.

They are our children.

We will raise them.

Our way.

That's right. So stay out of it. You won't be allowed back in this house.

game's over.

I have four aces.

Hold. Hold.

Okay. She's turning 16 Friday. She's already started taking birth control

We gotta do something fast.

I'm not talking to you. Fine.

Don't talk to me.

But this is something I know about and you don't. You've helped.

Enough, Benny.

Look, I don't want to say this in front of Carmen, but you can't stop her.

My dad said he would kill me, and I believed him, and I still went out and

it.

Yeah, well, Carmen's not you.

She's not willing to do anything for a cheeseburger and a ride home.

It was raining, and it was chicken nugget.

This is how rumors start.

We're going to find a way to stop Carmen. Oh, no.

This is going to happen one of two ways.

Planned and protected or hot and spontaneous.

Mom! Hey, both have their advantages.

One way, you don't get pregnant. The other way... Wow.

Does your mom always have to be so blunt?

I didn't want to say this in front of Carmen, but this is going to happen one

two ways.

Smart and with protection, or in a field of tobacco under a Cuban moon with the

gunfire of revolution in the background.

Wow.

I hate to say it, but they're probably right.

Don't back down, Angie. We're stopping Carmen.

for the emotional consequences that go along with a sexual relationship, and

clearly we are not emotionally prepared to deal with our daughter crossing the

threshold into womanhood.

That's it?

What? If you could teach Carmen to bore a guy like you just bored me, nobody

would want to be with her.

Well,

I'm not surprised there's nothing down here for my birthday.

I know you guys are so mad at me.

Mm.

We're not mad.

We talked last night.

We realize you're 16.

We can't stop you from growing up.

So?

We have a birthday surprise for you.

No, wait, where are we going?

To a Mexican convent.

You can only keep the car if you stay a virgin till you're 40.

George.

18.

You guys are bribing me? Yep.

It's up to you.

The car... or sex.

Are you kidding? The car?

I hear it's not that great the first couple of times anyway.

How can it be with all that? What are you thinking about now? How about now?

Now?

We're just showing Carmen her birthday surprise.

They got me a car!

Oh, this is an awesome surprise.

Yeah, well, there's a surprise for you too, fool. Tell them.

Oh, yeah.

They gave me a choice. I can either have the car or sexy 518.

Guess what I picked?

Oh.

Well, I already have a car, but... Yeah, that's cool.

Yeah.

Jason, why don't you take Carmen out for a nice...

birthday dinner you know what my man no curfew you'll be home early