Original subtitles

George, do you have anything for the charity box?

Oh, here.

I cleaned out my closet. Take it easy.

This?

This is what you're giving to the needy at Christmas?

The thing that stamps your name on golf balls?

I've been slicing the ball too much, Angie.

I'm tired of guys coming in from the parking lot with bloody foreheads

Are you George Lopez?

I gotta pretend I'm like that. No, I can't talk right now, please.

Here, this is all the stuff I don't want anymore.

Why are you giving these away? Half of them aren't even open.

Because I need room in my closet for all my new Christmas stuff.

Oh, here's a list of what I want this year.

A list?

A paintball gun?

A poster of Dave Miro? Who's that?

Dave Miro?

BMX games.

Oh, right.

He's one of those grown men on a little bike. He let that one check.

Okay, back to the list.

A new bike.

Seven video games. An MP3 player.

A monkey.

Small, hairy animal.

Disposable thumb.

I know what a monkey is.

That's just one more thing you're going to get tired of. I'm not going to be

down here next year dropping a dead monkey in a box for charity.

No, if you got me a monkey, I'd use it. He could take out the trash from me,

make my bed.

He could brush my teeth while I play video games. Watch out, I'll be like

Yeah, maybe he could go to school for you, too. You might actually get a B

year.

I have a question about the list you gave me, Matt.

He gave you a Christmas list, too? A week ago.

But I can't find this monkey cage game.

It's not a game, Daddy. It's an actual cage. He asked us for a monkey.

Hmm. That explains why he wants diapers on a tiny accordion.

God, I hope so.

as greedy as Max.

I just want some nice outfits from real clothing stores.

Here's a hint.

If you're pushing a shopping cart and Dad's eating a corn dog, you're in the

wrong place.

Don't be such a princess.

When your dad was a kid, he wore clothes from the county corner's thrift shop

and he never complained.

You can't take it with you.

Who's going to bury their kid in shorts?

Oh, that reminds me. Dad, I saw this hand -painted short -sleeved dress from

this really cute boutique. It's on sale for $300. You have to get it for me.

What? Are you crazy? $300 for a hand -painted dress?

Carmen, I was walking around in haunted pants.

You know what? We spoiled you kids too much, and it's going to stop this

Christmas. You know what we're going to do? Each of you guys is going to get one

gift. No!

Isn't that kind of severe, George? No, Angie, you know what? They need to learn

to appreciate what they have.

Look at all this perfectly good stuff wasted on charity.

An ant colony.

A microscope. When you're poor, you don't want to see things tiny.

Your father's not wrong.

How about we make it one big thoughtful gift instead of a lot of gifts? And

we'll make it fun.

secret Santa.

Okay, everybody, write your name down on a piece of paper.

We'll put it in a hat, and whoever you get, you have to buy that person a gift.

Here you go, Daddy, Benny.

Well, you're including my mom in this?

She's part of the family, isn't she?

Well, I guess since our big talk about contradicting you in public, of course

she is.

Can I talk to you in private?

Are you crazy? You know my mom and Christmas, whoever she gets is screwed.

It's the holidays. We have to include her.

Do you really think your mom would purposely ruin someone's Christmas?

Are you kidding?

You know what I got when I was fixed, Angie? A comb.

Notice I didn't say a new comb.

George, the only reason I agreed to this is so the kids understand what

Christmas is really about.

And maybe, by putting faith in your mom, you might learn something, too.

Yeah.

Let's see how much faith you have when you get a dirty, broken comb with dead

kids' hair in it.

Everyone's names are in the hat, but you and Angie. Okay, give me yours, Angie.

Okay, everybody pick one. In the spirit of Christmas, I'd like to say a little

prayer.

Dear Lord, please let my rich grandpa pick me. Carmen!

That's mine.

And the last one is yours, Mom.

Now, how about we all decorate the tree together? Come on, Mom. Do we have to?

Hey, you heard your mother. Decorating the tree, that's part of being a family.

You too, George?

What did I do?

Vic, Vic, let's switch.

No way.

That jerk son of mine rigged it so I would get Angie.

I swear to God, I'll go to the coroner's thrift shop. They're a...

of people her size who can't handle Christmas.

Fine, just drink.

Oh, him.

I know how to take care of him.

Hey, aren't you going to come in and help decorate the tree?

Oh, no, no, no. I gotta go to the grocery store and get ready for the

I'm almost out of eggs.

I'm a low rider.

Hey,

look at your house.

I got an angel I put up there every year. Where'd it go?

I'm starting a new tradition.

You know, when I first came from Cuba to America...

We could only afford a tiny little tree.

But we found that angel in a thrift store.

We polished its golden wings and put it on top of the tree, and behold, my angel

of freedom.

Right.

You know, there's a beautiful story behind my Jim Plunkett bobblehead angel,

too.

Twenty years ago, I filled up my tank with gas, and they gave me this for

That's my America.

You don't deserve freedom.

You don't appreciate it. Appreciate you got a dumb Cuban story for everything.

I remember the first time I blew my nose in America.

Behold, my freedom tissues.

You're not a cardiologist. I know this argument is causing stress for my heart.

So I must relieve it by saying estúpido, estúpido, estúpido.

Hey, Max, you want to watch some TV?

No, thanks.

Come on, man, we haven't seen The Grinch this year.

I don't need to watch it. I'm living it.

You don't need a pile of presents under the tree to have a good Christmas, Max.

It's not even going to feel like Christmas.

It'll be over in, like, five minutes.

I'm going to miss everyone opening their gifts, and Mom says, save the bows, and

you put them on your butt, and you say, unwrap this.

No, it's funny.

Before you kids were born, your mom would unwrap it. We'd be like that.

And

now

she just says, hey, you're wasting all the good bowls.

Look, I know this is hard on you, but maybe next time you get more than one

gift, you'll appreciate it.

Yeah.

That's good.

Hey, so who did you get in Secret Santa?

You.

I got you something good because now I know how bad your Christmases must have

been when you were a kid.

Angie, quick.

Are you Max the Secret Santa?

Well, I... Oh, nice try.

But you're not going to trick me into helping you figure out who got you.

Look, it's not about that.

Max is down. I just want to make sure his one gift is something special.

Oh. Well, then I have to tell you.

Lame!

Angie, I went too far, and I'm worried this Christmas is going to be ruined.

Well, in that case, the answer is lame.

Just tell me who got Max.

I got him.

Wait a minute. That's impossible. I rigged it so you'd get Angie.

You tried to rig it, but I traded with Vic.

What do you mean you rigged it?

Well, I didn't want to get a crappy gift and you're the one who wanted to

include my mom.

I thought you deserved to be punished.

You wanted to punish me on Christmas?

Okay, maybe punish isn't the right word. I wanted to... I wanted to teach you a

holiday lesson.

Who says I give crappy gifts?

You're right.

I really enjoyed the one year the school said I couldn't come back until I got

my vaccinations, and you said, all right, George, get them, but that's your

Christmas present.

What did you get Max?

Look, I took care of it. Max will be fine.

Look, Mom, Max is only getting one gift this year, and last year you got him a

three -pack of irregular T -shirts.

Did he wear them?

One.

But the armhole was so close to the neck.

Teacher thought he was asking questions all day.

Look, you're just going to have to trust me.

Angie did.

That's why she included me in the secret Santa.

Okay, you're right. I'm sorry, all right? I shouldn't have insulted you.

I'm sure you got something nice for Max. Too slow!

No wonder you always came home crying because they picked you last in gym.

Give it up, Mom!

What is your problem?

First, you're worried you're spoiling your kid. Then you're worried they're

getting enough. They should be happy with everything they get.

You know, when I was a kid, I got a black eye for Christmas, and I said,

you.

Okay, you're right. All right, I'm sorry.

When you put it that way, how can you not?

The girl with the one short leg got picked before me in kickball.

You know that my muscles didn't work right because all you fed me was

You will see this when Max opens it tomorrow morning. Screw you!

What's all the yelling about?

We weren't yelling. We were... We were reenacting the famous Christmas argument

between Joseph and the three wise men.

Who gives frankincense to a baby?

He's just going to put it in his mouth.

Screw you!

Honey,

thank you so much for letting Daddy put up his freedom angel.

Of course, baby.

I know what that means to your dad.

I would never make fun of his suffering in Cuba.

What did you do to Daddy's freedom nutcracker?

I turned it into Castro.

Tom Bick, see what will happen if you try to take back my island.

Just give me the nutcracker.

Now I got two of those upstairs.

What? I said Merry Christmas, my love.

Be my elf.

Did you get it? Dude, it was the last paintball gun they had, wasn't it?

Max is going to love this.

What are you doing?

Well, I know my mom's going to get him a crappy gift, and I want him to have

something nice to open on Christmas morning.

But you're going to show up your mother, and she's going to be humiliated.

And that's a good way for me to end my year. Watch out. Hello.

No, you can't do this. Then you have to wait till Benny leaves to let Max open

that gift.

Okay, but how am I going to humiliate her? George!

Promise me?

All right.

But if I smell a bad gift, ha!

I'm there.

What's Grandma Benny getting here?

Oh, she moves a little slow Christmas morning, Carmen. Last night she was at a

bar doing her traditional 12 shots of Christmas.

Anytime, we should read this letter from the family in Peru who received our

Christmas care package.

Daddy, would you translate?

Certainly.

Diego Wright, thank you for the gift.

The ant colony was delicious.

Did they like George's golf ball, Stamper?

Why, yes.

You'll be glad to know that all our llamas' ears proudly bear the name

Lopez.

So much for your penicillin and rice.

All right, I'm here.

Remember, George.

I'm waiting, I'm waiting.

Mom, why don't you give your gift first?

Does it feel like you'll like it and shut up?

Okay, change of plans.

Max, why don't you open something from Santa first?

That's not fair, Dad. He gets two gifts and I get one? Because he's a boy,

quiet.

What the hell are you doing?

Cool. This is the one that shoots 18 paintballs a second.

Hello, Peppleton.

You want to make sure that the safety is on.

My freedom angel.

She's hit.

My other present from Grandma.

It's a picture of Dave Mirra.

And he autographed a program from the first X Games.

Where?

Somewhere under the paint.

Okay, now we've got one present again. Are you happy?

Selfish?

Okay,

come in.

Come on, Mom. We all want you to come back to the house for Christmas dinner.

Why do you need me?

Don't you have a backup grandma that can shoot paintballs out of her butt?

All right, look, Mom.

In almost 40 years, you never got me or the kids one good Christmas gift. I

mean, how was I supposed to know this was the year?

Because I told you that I have it covered.

Do you know how much I dropped on that thing?

200 bucks.

Ruined. That was my whole Christmas bonus.

But you've never done anything like that before in your whole life. I mean, why

now? The kid was only getting one gift. I wasn't going to ruin a little boy's

Christmas.

Hello?

That was different. I wanted to do it right this time.

Oh, wait a second.

What do you mean, this time?

Are you admitting that you screwed up my Christmases? No.

Yeah, you are.

And you're trying to make it up to my kids.

I think your little Grinch heart grew today.

Shut up.

Give me a hug, Mom.

Watch it!

I got a gun under my pillow and it doesn't shoot paintballs.

All right.

Look, get your coat. Come on, Mom. Let's go back to the house and have dinner.

I forgot your Christmas present.

Who was my secret Santa?

I was.

What is this crap?

It's your bar tip from Thirsty's, Mom. I paid it off.

I can drink the good stuff I get.

Merry Christmas, Bat.

Even with the autograph covered up, this is still the coolest thing ever.

Thanks, Grandma.

Come here, you.

Oh, come on.

I love you.

I love you, too, Grandma.

She doesn't love you, Max. She hates me.

I'm sorry I ruined your present.

So your grandma and I made a stop on the way home.

Let's just call it a Christmas miracle.

No way! It's Dave Mira!

Merry Christmas. What up, Mac?

Can I have your autograph?

That's what I'm here for.

I want to compete in BMX right after I get out of college.

That's way too late. You sure you need to go to college?

Check it out, Max. Right now I'm making bank.

A lot of guys who go to college end up working in factories or something.

Just sign the paper, bike boy.

So, where are the rest of the orphans?

They're all gone, Dave. You know, they make good gifts.