Original subtitles

Did you get the rum for Daddy's cooking at Rum Shrimp? It is.

Hey, why do you cook everything with so much alcohol?

This isn't Cuba.

I'm not trying to disinfect some sick chicken that got hit in the street by a

-year -old truck.

Yeah, you Americans take your chickens for granted with your tender -fingered

nuggets.

In Cuba, I had to hunt my own birds.

Let me tell you, my friend, nothing tasted as sweet as a chicken you've

to death with an empty gasoline can.

Poor chicken. Probably never saw it coming.

Probably just thought you were stranded.

Hey, mister, did you run out of... I'll

talk to you for a second.

You know where I was talking about trying to find a better place to raise

kids? Uh -huh. One of my suppliers told me there's a factory looking for a

manager, so I checked it out online.

Look at that.

George, this is in Colorado. I know. Angie, check out the name.

Paradise Canyon.

We talked about moving to a safer suburb, not some tiny little town in the

middle of nowhere.

Look, we can't escape the problems of a big city by just moving a couple miles

out. Angie, look, this is in the Rocky Mountains, huh? There's pine forest,

running streams.

I think we'd get the water before they made beer out of it.

I used

it up teaching the Chang's dog not to poop on our lawn.

The recipe said add rum to taste.

I like rum.

I want the truth, and I want it now.

All right. You're not shrinking.

Ernie and I have been lengthening your work code. Not that.

We know you're moving to Colorado.

Who told you that?

You left your resume and the cover letter in the fax machine at work,

George, you already submitted a resume?

I don't want the job to get away, Angie. I think we should check it out.

What? I moved all the way from Miami to be close to you, and now you're going to

leave? How can you do this to me, princess? Daddy, nothing's definite.

We just think there's too many bad influences here.

Max and his friends beat up a boy practically in a gang. And Carmen's gone

through three high schools in three years. And she danced half -naked in a

video.

Does anybody here went to Harvard at the end of that story?

How could you just leave me?

I'm your best friend.

We always talked about getting married and living on the same block and raising

our kids together.

Carmen is 15 and Max is 11, all right? And you've had zero hits on maxidate

.com. I gotta go. Stop!

I just need a new picture.

I'm having my ears digitally reduced.

Hey.

So, how do your children feel about leaving their grandpappy Vic?

Leaving? Who's leaving? Are we going somewhere?

George.

Kid, how'd you like to do something special this Thanksgiving?

Oh, no.

Even better. We're going on vacation.

We're finally going to Hawaii?

We're going to Paradise Canyon.

Please tell me I can wear a cute bikini there. You can wear whatever you want

under your long johns and your parka.

It's in Colorado.

There'll be snow and lots of fun things to do there.

Why don't you kids go upstairs and see if you have enough warm clothes, huh?

I can't believe you.

Vacation. You just lied to your kids.

Look, I don't want to upset them, okay? We're just going to go check it out.

We're not sure we're moving.

Oh, yeah. So when you lie, you're protecting your kids. But when I tell a

white lie, I'm a bad mom.

Little white lie?

You said that my dad was dead.

You never told me I had a sister.

You said that rat in my room was a South American gerbil, Senor Chewy.

Senor Chewy loved you.

He would sit on your chest while you were sleeping and he wouldn't let

get near you.

He was protecting his kill. He thought I was dead.

You two,

knock it off.

Come on, Max has never been in the snow before. I just wanted to show him how

much fun it is. All right, look, I'm sorry, baby.

rest of the bear on the other side of the wall?

Think about it, Uncle. The other side of the fireplace is the parking lot.

Did you see a giant bear's ass when you got out of the car?

Yeah, I saw it coming out of the driver's seat.

Carmen, what are you doing?

Having a cookie.

You don't know what's in those. They could have been left there by a crazy

person.

Angie, relax.

You're not in the city anymore.

Max, taste your sister's cookie.

I heard you talking about my butt.

Hi, I'm Winnie Bellamy. You must be the Lopez's. Welcome to Paradise Canyon.

Here are your keys.

You're in seven and eight.

Mom, I finished all my chores.

Can I go sledding now? Honey, these are the Lopez's. This is my daughter, Sarah,

but we all call her Little Bit because she is my little bit of heaven.

Sir? Ma 'am?

Ma 'am?

You hear that, kids?

She called your mom ma 'am.

And not just because she's old, but out of respect.

We're on vacation.

Are we going to have to hear this crap all week long?

Ma 'am?

Hey!

Sounds like you folks have been cooped up in the car a while. How about a

bit takes you kids night sledding?

Cool. Can we?

I don't know. Is it safe?

They'll just be sledding down a big, wide -open hill.

Nothing can happen to them as long as they know they're left from their right.

Max, let your sister steer the sled.

We've got all sorts of winter fun around here.

Angie, you should take the kids skating tomorrow during George's interview.

Interview? What interview?

I thought we were on vacation.

We are on vacation.

I'm interviewing a dog breeder.

We may be getting a rare Rocky Mountain spotted tick.

Hound. I don't know. I said they were rare.

Wouldn't it become a trial, Johnny Cochran?

You guys get out of here. We'll meet you in an hour by the fire for some hot

cocoa and a sing -along. We'll be like that. She'll be coming around the

mountain with you guys.

Hot cocoa for four and I'll get my guitar.

Get out! You really do that?

Well, sure. You never had a sing -along back in L .A.? No.

The only time I ever heard someone sing around the fire was my mom during the

riots. I got a new TV!

I got a new TV!

I like it here, Angie.

The people are happy.

They're friendly. It's beautiful.

A month from now, I see myself whittling and telling stories over a pickle

barrel. I'll be like... George, we've been here 12 minutes, and you're all

to turn our lives upside down.

We don't even know if the kids like it here.

We don't know if the schools are good. We don't even know if you're going to

the job.

Well, first thing tomorrow at the pickle barrel, I'm nominating you for town

sourpuss.

I don't even know if you're going to like it here.

Did you see all that snow?

You'll only be able to golf two months out of the year.

Well, so I'll give up golf for the kids. I'll find something else to do.

You can always spend more time with your family on the weekend.

Yeah, well, don't worry about me. I'll find something.

I just want you to be realistic about this. Look, Angie, and I just want you

have an open mind.

I am.

Then eat the cookie.

I am not going to eat the cookie.

Angie, if you have an open mind and you still believe there are places in this

country where people are basically decent and don't want to poison you, eat

cookie.

That's a good cookie.

Oh, thank God, because I was starving, but I didn't want to die.

A real

lady

would turn around and allow me to cover myself.

what happened with the cowboy movies called A Mexican Tender.

Looks more like we've got a Cuban Missile Crisis.

Money, please.

Toss me Angie's jacket.

I don't care what you do when Angie and George are here, eh?

But when I am house -sitting, you call before you come over.

Aye, aye, aye.

What's that?

It's a pro -con list for moving to Colorado.

Pro?

Let's rhyme.

Con cold weather.

Pro a thousand miles away from Benny.

Con?

Only a thousand miles away from me. Please, please.

Hope you're happy, Benny. You are a major reason our children are leaving.

You didn't read far enough.

Pro, won't have to listen to Vic tell us how to raise our kids.

Con, will miss laughing at the way he says, a stupid.

What? They are the ones who are a stupid.

All I do is help and they never appreciate anything.

Oh, hey.

I'm just as insulted as you are.

Now, look, we can either whine about it or we can get back at them by drinking

George's good scotch.

I like good scotch.

Especially when I ordered the pay -per -view boxing on George's TV.

I'll show them not to take me for granted.

Victor Palmeiro has his pride.

I'm a man. I sit here.

and the housing is great.

We could get a huge house here for the same money we're paying in L .A.

Ten acres and a barn?

There's enough room to have horses and keep a stall open for when your mom

to visit.

What do you think, Angie?

My mom falling asleep with a cigarette in a barn full of hay.

George Lopez?

Yeah. Ed Donnelly, Donnelly Aviation. I'll be interviewing you this afternoon.

Hey, Ed, nice to meet you. This is my wife, Angie Lopez.

Hi, well, look, I don't mean to interrupt your lunch there, so go ahead

finish, and I'll see you in a couple hours.

Okay, honey, now I'm getting nervous.

I'm starting to like this place, but I don't want to get my hopes up if you

don't get the job.

Angie, I am going to ace this interview. I got it all planned out.

I'm going to take a nap, take a shower, put on my lucky underwear, shadowbox to

Eye of the Tiger, put on my pants, and go.

You know, George, I'm just thinking, you're here.

I'm here. Why don't we just take care of this right now? I'll get a cup of

coffee.

Actually, I'm not ready.

I didn't take a nap. I didn't take a shower. I got my second string chonies.

Don't freak out.

You know you're qualified.

All you need to do is present what you have to offer in a succinct and

manner.

Succinct and confident manner? Da loca, I need my underwear.

So, George, I was looking over your resume.

And the work experience is just great.

But there is one little thing that worries me.

How's a big L .A. guy like yourself going to adjust to life in a small town?

Well, you know, Ed, a small town is just what I'm looking for, man. I mean, I

love it here. This morning I went to a barbershop and let a man shave me.

Never thought I could trust like that again.

Well, the last manager said he liked it here, too. Then after a couple of

months, he split because he missed his friends and family.

Are you folks leaving any loved ones behind?

Well, there's Angie's dad, but I'm sure he'll come and visit.

And you, George?

No, no loved ones.

Both my parents died during childbirth.

Please, George, don't make me laugh, okay?

See, the last manager made me laugh, and, well, what can I say?

One minute we're fishing together in a stream, the next day I'm running

alongside a bus trying to touch the window.

It's a little emotionally raw.

Well, you know, Ed, I'm doing this for my kids, man, so if you give me the job,

I'm not leaving, I promise.

It's safe to laugh again.

I don't know.

Ed, the guy walks into a bar with a frog on his head. Please, stop it. I love

this one.

And the bartender says?

He says, uh, this started out as a warrant on the frog's butt.

What did I do to you, George? You've got the job.

and we're going to laugh together.

Welcome aboard. We just closed the deal.

And I'm pretty sure you can trust the napkins here.

You've got the job.

Congratulations.

Hey. Hey.

I guess it's time to tell them.

Let's do it.

Kids, your mom and I need to talk to you about something. Can you tell them from

the car on the way home?

Yeah. Let's just grab this account and get out of here.

Look, you need to learn some values.

So we're moving to an African village where we're going to build schoolhouses

and eat what the earth gives us.

What? No way.

All right, then. Let's compromise.

We're going to live here for the rest of our lives. You win. That's well played.

and it's safer here. You can walk down the street and not worry about getting

shot. Are you kidding?

I've never seen so many guns in one place in my life. There are gun racks in

cars, in trucks.

There's a gun right there on the fireplace.

But that's different.

Guns out here are only used for hunting and arming the militia in case the

people have to take back their government.

That didn't sound so crazy this morning in the barbershop.

You can't make us do this.

Oh, yes, we can.

Because we're the parents and you're the kids. So you might as well get used to

the idea because we're moving to Paradise Canyon.

This sucks. Come on, Max. We're out of here right now.

She knew we were smoking inside.

Yes, she hates it because the smell gets in the furniture and it will never come

out. Ooh.

What?

Can't believe they're stopping this fight.

Oh, come on. Didn't you see that headbutt?

It was just an accident.

Happens all the time.

Look, when you're a fighter and you're in the clinch and your head... clothes.

It is natural.

Want to kill five minutes and walk to the other

end of town again?

Yeah. Want to go look at that dead blue jay again?

Nah. I'm going to go in and buy a six foot licorice rope and hang myself.

I heard you guys are moving here.

I guess.

Is this what you guys do all day to get outside the mini mart?

We do a lot of stuff.

You want to go make snow angel?

Did it.

Gate on the pond?

Did it.

Cigarette?

No way.

Then we can go inside and get something to eat.

I'd have to take my snow pants off to get the dollar out of my pocket.

It's not worth it.

on the counter while you steal some chips. I can't do that.

I bet you there's a lot of things you can do.

Once I show you how.

You're Carmen Lopez.

Who wants to know?

I'm Tom. My dad works at the factory where your dad's gonna work.

Great.

So, we're gonna go moon the guy over at the drive -thru.

You wanna come?

No.

Not bad.

New butts always freak him out.

You wanna go break into the summer cabin and steal some beers?

No, I can't drink. I'm only 15.

So what?

You're in the country now. There are no rules.

There is a 10 -year -old driving that truck.

I don't know.

Look, everyone in this town parties.

So you want to sit here and freeze, or you want to have a little fun?

You want to stand there freezing, or do you want to have a little fun?

Are you sure doing this is the right thing?

Ma 'am, I'm just showing you to your room.

How you choose to tip me is your choice.

changing our whole lives and moving here with the kids. Come on, Angie. If we

were in Los Angeles, we'd be worried about what the kids are doing right now,

but we're in Paradise Canyon.

What could happen?

I guess you're right.

Now, let's go upstairs and warm up.

But I'm not cold anymore.

You're not cold anymore?

My baby's not cold.