Original subtitles

Matt, honey, help me whip up my wedding drink.

Why are you trying it on now?

You and Dad aren't renewing your vows for another month.

I'm trying it on once a week to remind myself not to eat anything that tastes

good.

I guess breakfast tastes real good.

Now, try this on so I can see if the flowers are even.

All right, I get the message. We'll spend more time together.

Mom put it on me.

I thought you left for work.

Forgot some files.

What are you doing back there?

I don't want you to see me in my wedding dress.

Oh, come on, Angie. Let me see. No, don't. It's bad luck.

Fine. If you're not leaving, I'm taking it off.

That'll show me.

Hey, kids, stay in your rooms. Your mom's going to teach me a lesson.

Oh, I'm sorry, Angie.

I didn't see anything that I'm going to remember the rest of my life.

It's all right, dude. It happens.

Someday you're going to get married, I'm going to look at your wife naked.

Oh, you can go ahead and do it, George, but mine's not going to look anything

like that.

Mom, phone.

Dad, I need to ride to Allendale so I can register.

Can't I just write a check for the $14 ,000 and then go in the garage and cry

like I did last year?

No, I missed regular registration when I ran away, so you and Mom have to back

me up when I tell them I was sick.

You know, Carmen, we lie to each other all the time, but lying together as a

family... That's nice.

Why aren't you hiding? I thought I wouldn't put you in a dress.

Doesn't matter now. La Marie went under.

I just lost my job.

Oh, baby, I'm sorry.

What am I going to do?

You'll find another job.

I've been there.

I've been out of work.

Remember we almost had to cancel Carmen's quinceanera?

What do you say to me every time I have a big setback? A door may have closed,

but a window's just opened with sunlight.

Am I really that annoying?

Let's not go there while you're down.

Look, Angie, you're young, you're smart, you're getting married.

Get your whole life ahead of you.

I can't renew our vows now.

We should postpone the wedding until I get another job.

You saw me in my dress before I hid, didn't you? That's when the bad luck

started.

Yeah, I ruined our run of good luck. You know, with our dyslexic son, our

runaway daughter, and my mother who shows no sign of aging or disease

whatsoever.

Holy cow, where did that come from?

I just see a window opening.

It's getting wider.

Hi, Assistant Principal Kaplan. Angie Lopez. We're here to register Carmen for

the year.

Oh, right. Let me grab your file.

Oh.

Hmm.

You need to talk to Principal Borden. She'll be back on Friday.

Talk about what? What's in that file? Is something wrong?

Yes, but I'm not allowed to tell you.

Well, why not? You're the assistant principal.

Yeah, but apparently I don't have the people skills it would take to tell you

that your daughter's been kicked out of Allendale.

Oh, there I go being all abrupt again.

But this has got to be a mistake.

Well, since the cat's out of the bag, uniform violation, six, parties, eight,

public displays of affection, 32.

Well, that can be explained. She's to date Jason McNamara. He's very hot.

You know, quarterback, brown hair, seafoam eyes. Dad!

You've got to look close, Carmen, otherwise they just look green.

Listen, Janet, you cannot punish Carmen just because she got thick and missed

her final.

Did she catch a cold when she ran off to San Francisco with her boyfriend and

hung out with rappers?

You know what? This is insulting. My daughter was thick. End of the story.

Have you seen this runaway?

Okay, here's the truth.

And it's hard for a parent to say.

But my lamb ran away.

Because she has deep emotional problems.

Scars internally that go way back. There's no reason to kick her out of

There's something else in that file, isn't there?

She appeared in a Chingy video having a pillow fight on a waterbed.

I didn't take cuttings!

Okay, stand behind me and...

Pez, we have a long waiting list of students who don't lie, run away, and

their finals. I think we can all probably agree that Carmen and Allendale

not such a great match.

Perhaps you should try public school again.

No. Um, no. I can't go back to public school.

They called me a whore.

Before you made the video?

You know what? Forget it. We don't need this school.

May I suggest St. Teresa's? They take the hard cases and they still hit.

Dad, no way. That's an all -girls school, okay? You know how girls hate

Carmen, look, you just got forced out of public school. You got kicked out of

private school.

You're running out of options. I can't go to Catholic school.

What's left?

Homeschooling. Mom could teach me.

Say, where should your mom be punished?

George, I do have time now since I'm not working and...

This is a crucial year for Carmen if she wants to get into college.

Angie, homeschooling, that's a big commitment.

You know that special moment every morning when Carmen finally leaves for

and you say, God, she's gone!

Dad,

I promise I'll work really, really hard. Carmen, you've said that before.

It'd save us $14 ,000.

Well, if it's that important to the both of you.

Hey, guess what?

My daughter's just been accepted to the most exclusive school in L .A.

That's right.

Lopez High.

Country Day Academy.

And my daughter's going to be the class president, valedictorian, prom queen,

all the things she can't be with those other kids around.

Vamanos.

I got a startup kit on the Internet.

This is all the coursework that Carmen needs for her junior year.

And I'm in an online bidding war with a Mormon mother of seven for an overhead

projector.

Wow, Angie, it's starting to look like a real school in here. All you need is a

bully outside smoking. All right, here he comes.

Come on, we're going to be late.

Hey, what is all this stuff?

Angie's homeschooling Carmen, Mom.

Oh. So the out -of -work makeup saleswoman is going to teach your

Look, at least she's part of her kid's education.

Huh? What about you? You wouldn't even help me with my homework.

That's because it took forever for you to read one page.

I was dyslexic.

Excuses.

George, I did the alphabet backwards with the cop's flashlight in my eyes.

Huh? And you cannot even figure out... that Frog and Toad were friends. Jeez.

Carmen, you just made it.

Have a seat. It's time to start school.

Oh, come on, Mom. You don't need to start this early.

Most teachers have 30 students, and that means we only need one -thirtieth of a

normal school day, and you can teach me how to figure that out after lunch. Bye

-bye.

Carmen, when I bring this...

I am not your mom.

I am your teacher. Now sit down.

Okay, we've got English, history, lunch, algebra two, chemistry, then if the

delivery guy gets here with our plastic flutes, music class.

You can't be serious. This is going to be like real school.

Well, if you don't like it, there's always St. Therese.

for you, my child.

Well,

I'm off to real school where no one can force me to learn.

See ya, sucker.

Hey, we can homeschool you too, huh?

How'd you like to go to the prom in the garage with your sister?

Are you kidding?

She's the kind of girl you meet after prom when you drop your real date off.

I've been teaching you for two weeks at seven and a half hours a day. If I teach

you for 52 weeks, by the end of the year, what will you have learned?

I've learned that good people can snap and children should not be tried as

adults.

Miss Lopez, are we looking for a second detention?

No, Mrs. Lopez.

Okay, can Dad just teach me now? I really want to know how business works.

Okay, she's yours.

But after your dad's lunch hour, I'll pick you up and we can continue with our

French lesson.

Au revoir, ma petite étudiant.

Now, class, the assembly line hasn't changed much since Henry Ford first

to mass produce... Dad, I could care less. I just wanted to get away from

What? Hey, I spent three hours on the Internet learning about production,

manufacturing, and industrial innovation.

What am I going to do with this crap now?

Dad, she's driving me crazy.

She's turning everything into a lesson.

She won't even let me use the bathroom until I ask her in French.

I want a little bit of oxygen right for the fridge.

Look, Carmen, are you learning?

Yes, but... Okay, well, that's what's important.

This is your education.

Okay, if your mom's going a little overboard, it's because she just lost

job, the wedding's been postponed, and she's got nothing else to focus on. All

right, so cut her some slack.

This may come as a surprise to you, but...

Your mother looks at you children as her greatest achievement.

So what are we to you?

You're definitely in the top five.

But if I ever chip one in from the trap, you're out!

I'll meet you in the lab.

Good afternoon, Miss Lopez.

Today we're studying chemical reactions.

I'm dropping antacid tablets into these glasses of water, each at different

temperatures.

You can't drink the experiment.

I'm sorry, but my stomach hurts because the lunch lady made crappy meatloaf.

on the periodic table according to weight. That's not fair.

Tell it to the chicken.

Hey, how'd homeschooling go today?

Horrible.

I'm not going to lie. I had two glasses of Chardonnay in the bathroom while she

was taking a test. That's the only reason she's not dead.

Maybe you need a little break.

If you want, I could give Carmen an auto shop lesson in my house.

Mom?

You're not going to use Carmen to siphon gas out of the neighbor's car again.

But Garcia's have a big RV. They never go anywhere.

That's because they don't have the gas.

Carmen, you're supposed to be taking a quiz. You can't go on the computer now.

know, but Kevin just sent me a text message and told me to check my email.

No, you could be looking up the answers.

What? You're accusing me of cheating now?

You know what?

in a Southern plantation style.

Carmen, I'm being tough on you for your own good. Oh, no, you're not.

This isn't even about me. You've got no job, no wedding to plan anymore.

Dad was right. You've got nothing else in your life. Carmen!

Hey, Angie, that's not exactly what I said.

Angie!

You just hurt the one person who was willing to give up all of her time to

you make something of your life.

I don't want to hear it. I want you to go to the garage and build me a

that looks like it took me three years.

What are you doing out here?

Same thing I've done with my life.

Nothing.

Actually, that's not true.

I'm oxidizing myself.

According to Carmen's biology book, every breath I take, I'm creating free

radicals in my system that will slowly kill me.

There.

A little closer.

Look, Angie, I want to apologize, all right? I never said you had nothing

on in your life. Carmen twisted my words around.

Apologize? She's right.

I got nothing.

No job.

Half -planned wedding, my kids barely need me.

I can't even homeschool our daughter.

Look, but that's not your fault, all right? Professional teachers couldn't

Carmen.

They're thinking about changing the slogan from no child gets left behind to

she's not looking, run!

Well, we better find some other way, because if I keep teaching Carmen, it's

going to ruin our relationship.

Our daughter's a moody, emotional brat.

I never thought I would actually hear you say that.

Now we're on the same page.

But you still have faith in the boy, though, right? Of course I do. Yeah,

me too. Very talented.

But this started way before Carmen.

Look at all the great stuff I did in high school.

Honor roll.

National merit scholar.

President of the French club.

Boy,

Angie, when you married me, you got on that elevator. You pressed down, didn't

you?

No.

Don't you ever say that.

I don't regret marrying you and having a family. I regret what I didn't do.

I could have gone to college and gotten my MBA.

I remember talking in high school like I was going to take the world by storm,

own my own business, become a millionaire.

You're going to beat yourself up about this again?

Look, Angie, at the time, bottled water seemed like a stupid idea.

Dad, what's wrong?

Still sleeping.

Hey, Carmen, there's something that we need to talk about.

I know.

I want to apologize.

I've got to change my attitude. I've got to work harder, and I've got to pay

attention. Good.

Maybe that'll keep the nuns from beating you like a tom -tom at Catholic school.

No, Dad, please don't make me go. I can't go to Catholic school. Mom, Mom, I

promise I'll never do anything again. Just please don't make me go.

Sorry.

That's right.

God's your new principal.

And I wouldn't mouth off to him.

The Israelites, they weren't wandering the desert for 40 years. That was

detention.

Honey, come with me.

I want you to see this.

Why are we going to the garage?

We're not going to the garage.

We are going to your new

Home office!

I love that you did this for me.

All right, Angie, it's not done yet, but when I'm finished, it's going to be

amazing. And all you have to do is decide on a career.

Angie Lopez, what do you want to be for the rest of your life?

I don't know.

Oh, hey, your phone's ringing.

Angie Lopez's office?

Yeah, she's here, and she'd love to help you because she's in the business of...

What's that?

Hope, please.

Oh, look, Angie Line 2.

Angie Lopez, hope, please. Oh, my God. Angie Lopez, hope, please.

Yeah, she's here, and she'd love to help you with her incredible supply of...

Service of...

Hand dips.

All of this for me. I just... I just need some time to think. Look, Angie,

think. Okay, go with your gut. What's the first thing that comes into your

Oh, God, no. The wedding. I forgot to call it for it.

Cancel the calla lilies. Look, Angie, forget about all that wedding crap.

Look, in the scheme of life, wedding details mean absolutely nothing. I hate

them.

I got it.

I want to be a wedding planner.

I'll support you 100%.

I'm really good at it. I have a mind for details. I love organizing things.

I can do this.

Then, baby, do it. All right?

Just promise me one thing. When your business takes off and you make it, then

can quit work and lounge around the house in my sweats all day.

Is that what you think I was doing?

I can never do nothing in this house!

Hey, Deb, want to play catch?

Later.

Later when?

I don't know. Later, later.

I'm not fixed anymore.

I know that later, later means never.

Good boy. Why don't you go, um, color?

Fine.

You ready for some football, Max?