Original subtitles

Hey, honey.

Hey, what are you guys doing here?

Birthday dinner, remember?

I'm kidding. Of course I remember.

Birthday, sweetheart.

I love you. Hey, the place called and the thing I got you is on its way.

From Paris.

It's not my birthday.

Well, then I'll hold on to it until April.

That's your birthday. Oh, I want a new putter. You heard.

Don't tell me you don't have any idea whose birthday it is.

Of course I do.

Happy birthday, you!

It's Grandma's birthday.

Oh, come on. Auntie, last year when I said we should go out for my mother's

birthday, I meant so that she couldn't find us.

George, here's my last time card. Okay, let's see what you did last week.

You vandalized the factory.

You gambled online with the company credit card.

You sold a bag of oregano to Slow Bill in shipping.

So even though you're the boss' son, you don't get crap. Watch out.

Well, since I'm not working with your dad anymore, what are you doing Friday

night? Going out with my boyfriend.

I would never go out with some jerk who trashes the place where my dad works.

That's right.

Look, dude, she's not going out with you as long as I'm alive. When did you get

a boyfriend?

I don't like the sound of this, George.

We haven't even met the boy.

Out. Come on.

Oh, Georgie.

No kiss goodbye?

Yeah, I'd love one. Let me bend over and drop my pants.

Finally. So, where are we going for dinner?

Someplace quiet so you can tell us about your new boyfriend. I don't really have

a new boyfriend. I was just saying that so you'd leave me alone.

If you don't have a boyfriend, then who were you talking to on the phone last

night?

I'm only a good kisser because I'm kissing you.

I can't wait until you finally get your

first girlfriend.

My kids are going to love walking it and feeding it.

So you are pregnant.

Butt munching, butt weeding, butt faces.

Carmen, why didn't you tell us you were seeing someone?

Well, because it's too early for you guys to meet him. When I was dating

you and Dad were all over us. It was impossible.

Yeah, but look, Carmen, you're still 15, okay? You can't date anyone unless we

meet him. Hey, and that's my phone.

Okay, happy birthday to me. Let's get this dinner over with. Come on.

So how old are you, Grandma?

How old was I last year?

my stinky business.

You remembered.

It was too soon to bring Noah here. Dad's gonna mess it up. Carmen, relax.

dad just wanted a few minutes to get to know him.

A few minutes?

It only took him five seconds to convince my last boyfriend that I was

without a tongue. And that this was a donor from a cow.

chew very slowly with your mouth open.

Well, congratulations.

I just finished my last history test.

You've been in class this whole time? It's six o 'clock. I thought you weren't

soccer practice.

No, the teacher let me stay a little longer to finish.

Hey, did you know that the classroom lights go out automatically if you don't

move for 20 minutes?

So, how'd you do?

Who wrote the Declaration of Independence?

Thomas Jefferson.

Seriously?

Well, now we wait.

What could they be talking about?

Carmen, your father's old -fashioned.

I'm sure he wants to know what Noah's intentions are.

You got your bun warmer, extra burner, temperature gauge, huh?

Rotisserie attachment.

Did I need it?

Now, do I use it? No.

Happy I got it? You bet your ass.

Dude, the steaks look perfect.

You know, son, the T -bone isn't an easy steak to grill. Because it's actually

two steaks in one.

That's right.

Hey, I was driving by. I saw the smoke. I got worried. I thought you might be

having steaks without me.

You must be Grandma Benny.

Who the hell are you?

This is Noah, Carmen's new boyfriend.

Carmen's told me a lot of nice things about you.

Yeah? Name one.

She says you can mix your own margaritas in your mouth.

Well, yeah.

You know, when you're babysitting, you have to find ways to amuse the kids.

Sure, sure, yeah. Excuse me. Excuse me.

Two cute boyfriends in a row.

You know what? Maybe I should start wearing my jeans real low like that.

Oh, look, Mom. It's all of America calling to ask you not to.

Better give this to Noah.

Oh.

What is it?

It's a text message.

Let me know when you get rid of Carmen. Can't wait to see you tonight.

He's cheating on my daughter.

Well, it's like my mother always said to me.

Get cheated on once, shame on them. Get cheated on twice, start putting out.

It does live higher.

Lopez, your cooking is delicious.

Thank you.

You're so sweet.

You know, we still have some corn and beans left.

Have a little of both?

Of course you will.

happy with just corn. No, not you, man. You gotta have a little beans on the

side.

You had better be careful.

Some night you're gonna be eating beans and you're gonna get all screwed up and

say, I love you, corn.

What are you guys talking about?

Look, I'm just saying.

Look, I made a commitment to corn 17 years ago.

So I like to go to a barbecue and see beans I like.

Baked beans, red beans, black beans, big plump garbanzos.

But no, I always come home to my sweet, sweet corn.

George, Benny, the corn needs a word.

Angie, he's cheating on Carmen. How do you know?

We saw his cell phone.

He got a text message. Let me know when you can get rid of Carmen.

Can't wait to see you tonight.

Okay, that sounds suspicious, but you know what? It could mean a lot of

It could be a girl who's a friend or a cousin who hasn't seen him in a long

time.

You just got the green light for side action because she will never figure it

out.

Okay, look, Angie, my daughter just got her heart broken by a guy that's

cheating on her, okay? I'm not going to stand by and do nothing. Honey, we

almost ruined her last relationship by interfering too much.

I don't think that we should do anything until we know for sure.

I know for sure that guy's a liar.

How? He said your cookie was delicious.

Good.

Either he's a liar or he's never had food. before no one's got to

take off yeah i got an early swim practice tomorrow oh i hope mr lopez

scare you away you know carmen's been through a lot lately and he's being a

little overprotective i completely understand mr lopez i promise

i will treat carmen right i will always be straight with her i will never ever

hurt her it's nice meeting everyone Thank you so much for dinner.

You're welcome.

See ya.

Bye.

So?

Seems like a nice kid to me.

You know what? You're right.

I guess I could learn from you and not always think the worst of people.

Get your car. We're going to follow that little maggot.

I did not need a car to catch your father cheating. I just went knocking on

neighbor's doors until someone looked surprised.

tub of popcorn I've ever seen and it still doesn't cover your head.

He's obviously here to meet a girl. No guy comes to see a walk in the Tuscan

meadow by himself.

Guy will do anything to get some.

It's not that bad. I saw it with Angie last week.

Ding, ding, ding.

My whole door's going off.

Too bad this isn't an action movie. We could use some explosion to cover his

screams when we kick his butt.

Don't worry, Mom. There's plenty of noise when the farm girl gives birth to

cheesemaker's kid in the barn.

It's a little nudity, pero sabes que es tastefully done.

That kid's a player. He's just playing for the other team.

Have some respect.

Matt, what are you doing up?

I can't sleep.

Your dad and I talked about this.

We know that you have worked hard all year and you've done your best.

If you get held back, you'll still be all right.

A lot of famous people never even finished elementary school.

Charles Dickens, Mark Twain, Thomas Edison.

How about someone I've heard of?

Go to bed, son.

Where have you two been?

Okay, Angie, you're never going to believe this.

We followed Noah to see if he was cheating on Carmen.

George, you're going to ruin Carmen's chances with this guy.

The only chances

Carmen has is if she gets a buzz cut or she starts... Packing some socks.

Angie, he's gay.

How do you know?

Well, we followed him and he went to see a walk in the Tuscan Meadow.

That doesn't mean he's gay.

I know one guy who saw it just to get his wife in the mood.

And then all throughout the movie, he kept nudging her.

Are you ready yet? Are you ready yet?

Wow, that was a triumph of the human spirit. Are you ready yet?

Look, Angie, we saw him kissing a dude.

Are you sure?

Oh, yes.

They couldn't have been a friendly peck on the cheek like they do in Europe?

Look, I've never been to Europe.

But if it's filled with gay teenage boys tongue wrestling, then yeah, it was

like that.

This is gonna kill Carmen.

I know. Where is she?

She already went to bed.

All right, well, I'll tell her about Noah in the morning. But can you believe

this punk?

Well, he is a jock.

Maybe he's afraid to come out of the closet, so he's using Carmen as a cover.

I can't even imagine what Noah must be feeling.

Well, I don't have to imagine.

I saw what he was feeling.

It was muscular and 17... Mom!

Morning.

Zach, what are you doing here? My dad's still home. I wanted to take you to

school. No, no, Noah's coming over to pick me up. My parents totally believe

he's my boyfriend. Zach, don't blow this.

Relax.

We'll call him on the way. Come on.

All right, fine. I'll meet you at the end of the block. Now go get out.

Hey, how come you never wear this tube top for me?

That's a headband.

Fine.

Then put this dong on.

That's a shoelace.

Work with me.

Carmen, can I talk to you? I'll be down in a minute.

Look, honey, this can't wait. Can we talk downstairs? I'm starving.

This is kind of private, so sit down.

Look, I know you don't like it when your mom and I interfere in your life.

Sometimes we have to do things that are for your own good.

Oh, Daddy, I understand.

I'm glad we had this talk.

Well, let me finish.

Carmen, there's no easy way to say this.

Your boyfriend's in the closet.

I know I don't like it either.

But just because Noah's gay.

It has nothing to do with you. OK, this doesn't mean that

you're ugly or stupid.

He was just using you to hide something that he doesn't know how to deal with.

Well, Carmen, look, there's no way you could have known. I mean, these things

happen, okay?

Mrs. Gonzalez down the street still doesn't know about her husband, Victor.

Mr. Gonzalez is gay?

How many straight men do you know that breed Labradoodles?

How'd she take it?

Pretty upset.

Poor Carmen.

She would feel so betrayed.

Yeah, the way you must have felt when you went out with that guy Brian in high

school.

Brian?

Brian wasn't gay.

Yeah, he was.

Do you really want me to tell you how I know Brian wasn't gay?

No.

I'm just playing. He was very, very gay.

Okay, that's all I'm saying.

Are you okay? Do you need to talk?

Too soon, Mom. Too soon.

Call her on her cell at lunch to make sure she's all right.

What about Chad?

He was gay.

Yes, he was.

Everybody before you was gay.

Okay, that's all I'm saying.

She just left.

You know, Noah, I went to see a walk in the Tuscan Meadow last night.

Saw the whole thing.

Didn't you love the ending when the cheesemaker comes home from war, but he

can't make cheese anymore because he lost his arms, but then his son shows up

and says, Papa, I'll be your hands.

He had.

That was really moving, but I meant the gay horseplay.

Mr. Lopez saw you... being very friendly with another boo.

Okay, we talked to Carmen, and it's all out in the open, okay? So nobody has to

sneak around anymore.

Well, thank God, because I thought you'd be mad at Carmen.

Why would we be mad at her? She can't help who she falls for.

Because she was sure you guys would freak if you knew she was seeing Zach.

Zach? Zach Powers?

Um,

actually... Wait, wait, wait, wait.

She was seeing Zach Powers behind our back and you were her cover?

Look, I'm really sorry about this. I mean, you guys were so nice to me. And

mother. I really enjoyed meeting your mother. She was... Enough of your lies!

I enjoyed meeting your mother.

I know I've said this a lot, but this time I mean it.

I am gonna kill Carmen.

I am tired of you not including me when it comes to parenting.

We are gonna kill Carmen.

So we'll have one kid left.

Max is a good boy. He'll be our future.

and we could raise them as a dog.

Then the neighbors would say, wow, your dog can read.

Kind of.

What is Carmen's diary?

Look, I know seeing Zach behind our backs is huge, but I don't feel good

this. You have a better way to find out what else she's lying about?

But once we open her diary, we'll be breaking a bond of trust.

If they're having sex, Angie, you could be a grandma.

I'll rip that lock off with my teeth.

Mom, Dad, I don't want... Hey, hey.

What's happening?

How often do you guys do this?

Every time there's an earthquake.

You didn't feel that?

Aftershock.

I thought you left for school.

I changed my mind.

Well, what's the matter?

I don't want to go.

If I failed, I'm just going to have to sit there like an idiot while everyone

else is all happy signing their yearbooks.

Okay, well, you listen to me, Max.

Okay, you could fail the fifth grade every year until we're old and senile,

okay?

Then you could dress us up in funny clothes and charge the neighborhood kids

write us.

And you will still be a better child than Carmen.

Now, son, go to school.

Oh, wait, wait.

Where's Karma's diary?

Taped under her desk.

Max, reading someone's diary is a horrible invasion of their privacy.

What's horrible is page 73.

I mean, I've seen Karma clean her ears. Why would someone want to put their

tongue in there?

What does it say?

I'm trying to find something about Zach.

What?

Oh, my God.

What? Did she sleep with him?

Is he on drugs?

Big news at the Lopez house.

Dad bought another stupid football jersey.

Hello, old man. You don't play for the Raiders. You never did, and you never

could.

I could have been in the special teams if I hadn't heard my knees stretching.

Look at this.

She was talking about Zach over a month ago.

Okay, well, find the last thing she wrote about him.

I love Zach so much, and I know he wants my first time to be special, but I

don't think the back of his truck is romantic, no matter how many pillows he

back there.

Hey, hey, hey, man, I thought we told you to go to school.

I know, but you can go through my room now.

I know postponing our marriage put a terrible hurt on you, and I'm going to

regret that as long as I live, but I needed some time to think.

I needed to be alone, so I wandered the desert four days and four nights.

You know, like the chosen people did, but shorter.

And that's when it happened to me. I was sitting on this rock, sweating and

meditating.

When all of a sudden a bunch of kids with glow sticks and pacifiers came out

nowhere and started dancing around me.

That's when I knew what I wanted.

First to get the hell out of there.

Then to marry you.

This is good. We're dialoguing.

Had it coming.

Ouch.

I'll leave, but this isn't over.

I know you're as stubborn as a truck stop.

Sure. Mel, do you know about your son?

If you were a Vietnamese cocktail waitress with a DNA sample, this would

heck of a deja vu.

Your son, Zach, has been sneaking around behind my back and seeing Carmen.

Wow. Man, that kid gets more...

It's Mark Classy Girls, and he deserves it.

Look, Mel, I don't want this to affect our relationship, but, you know, Zach

kicked out of school, and he got a girl pregnant, and I kind of don't want him

to see my daughter.

Ah, come on, George. You're blowing this out of proportion.

They're just a couple of teenage kids. Probably won't last more than a couple

weeks anyway.

A lot can happen in a couple of weeks.

She's a 15 -year -old girl with low self -esteem.

Well, who dropped the ball there, huh, Daddy?

Mel, tell your son to stay away from my daughter.

George, that boy doesn't listen to a word I say.

Oh, so you're just going to let him do whatever he wants because you're too

afraid to be a father?

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Watch it, George. I'm not afraid to be your boss.

Remember who you're talking to.

Okay, look, Mel.

Don't make me choose between my job and my daughter because I'm irrational right

now. También, I'm lightheaded.

And I just might pick the girl.

Is Carmen in back?

I need to talk to her.

No, my Carmen, she don't care.

But she just text me to meet her here.

No, she don't.

That's right, it's me, Ernie.

He's letting me use this place to deal with the problem.

My dad knows I'm here.

You know, my dad.

Your boss.

I don't care.

You don't want me either. I got $15 ,000 in the bank. I'll live off the

interest.

Ernie, that's $300 a year.

She's your daughter. You know, I shouldn't talk so big.

Listen, man, I warned you to stay away from my daughter, and you didn't. Okay,

so I'm not warning anymore.

I want to hear right now that you're done with Carmen.

Okay, Mr. Lopez.

Because you asked me so nicely, you have my word that I won't see her again.

Hey, hey, this is working.

Hey, listen to me, punk, because I'm not going to say it again, okay? You're

done seeing my daughter. It's over.

I think it'll be over when Carmen gets out of bed to make me a sandwich.

George! George, it's not working!

Next time, Ernie's not going to be here!

Man.

I remember when the nurse put Carmen in your arms and you said, Oh, my God.

She's so beautiful. When she starts dating, I'm not going to know what to

And I said, George, don't worry, man.

When that time comes, you'll know.

What's your point?

Well, I just want to apologize. You're right. You got no idea what you're

What are you doing here?

I saw Carmen walking up the driveway and wanted to catch some fireworks.

So, how did it feel?

15 years of bad parenting about to pay off.

15 years of hollow threats, furious, disapproving looks.

There's the look.

Mom, get out or else.

There's the hollow threat.

I don't believe you. Showtime, monkey.

You can't threaten my boyfriend. The fake gay cover boyfriend?

Or the boyfriend you've been seeing behind our backs for a month. You read

diary? I hate you.

I know.

It's written on every page in here.

I hate Dad.

God, I hate Dad.

Hey, old lady, hang up the miniskirt. You're not 15 anymore.

Oh, that one's about you.

You had no right to read this. You lost all your rights by lying to us. And if

we have to look in your diary to find the truth about Zach, we'll do it. Oh,

want to know the truth? Well, here it is.

love him and he loves me too carmen he doesn't love you he's just using you

he told me he was gonna dump you as soon as he gets you in bed wake up you're

lying you hate him so much you say anything to keep us apart yeah did i

that he vandalized the factory that he got a girl pregnant he didn't even

respect the girl enough to be safe no you guys don't understand zach his dad

never there for him and his mom's a bitter old drunk you have no idea what

that's like

End of discussion.

Okay, we didn't raise you this far so you could screw up your life with Zach.

there is no way in hell that you are ever going to see him again. You can't

me because I'm almost 16. I'm almost a woman. I could do whatever I want.

Not as long as you live in this house.

Okay, and if you don't like it here, go live somewhere else. George, please calm

down. Look, I'm not going to calm down, Angie. I'm tired of her disrespecting

us. Go see what it's like out there.

Send us a postcard. George.

And don't expect me to come looking for you.

I wish you weren't my dad.

you might want to stand up now because those pigs are going to be flying out of

your butt.

Carmen is locked in her room. She still won't talk to me.

You went too far last night.

Look, Angie, sometimes you have to give kids an ultimatum to scare some sense

into them.

And that worked when your mom did it to you?

Yeah. One time I remember my mom saying, Hey, if you don't like it here, I don't

like you here. Get out.

What'd you do?

I stopped throwing my peas up the high chair.

Honey, do you want something to eat?

No, I'm just going to go.

What's that for?

I'm sorry, Daddy.

I'm sorry I lied.

I'll stop seeing Zach.

Okay, well, I'm sorry I had to be so tough on you, but I only did it because

love you, okay?

I know.

Okay, well, I still think you're wrong about Zach.

But I guess until I'm 18, I don't really have a choice.

Honey, I know you have a broken heart right now, but I promise you will get

through this, huh?

Yeah. I'll see you at Max's graduation.

How about that?

Natural parent?

Book parent?

Instinct?

Opposite of instinct.

Benny,

don't say nothing. Just listen.

I told you I needed time to think.

But now I know I don't care about Amy. I don't care about having kids.

All I care about is spending the rest of my life with you.

Well, that's it, huh?

You expect me to just take you back because you have decided...

I knew this wasn't going to be easy.

So I called in a favor from my roadie days with the Commodores.

Benita, I have no choice but to turn to a song they wrote.

That sums up exactly how I feel about you.

You really think you're going to win me over with three times a lady?

I wasn't planning to.

What's going on?

Oh, Randy's just trying to win me back.

Well, say the word, Mom, and I'll kick his ass.

No.

It's all right.

That's good, because I love this song.

Just letting it all hang out. Come on. Yep.

She's going to miss Max getting his diploma.

Relax. She was running late. She wants to stop home and change out of her

uniform. She'll never get here.

She's probably going through every outfit in her closet.

Too fat.

Too thin.

No, he is.

It's true. I have a very hard time buying pants that look over there.

You're so cute in this cap and gown.

Make sure you take his picture because the next diploma that kid sees is going

to say transmission expert on it.

Moving on to middle school. You should enjoy it.

It's a good day for us. Gary, things could be worse.

You know what? I'm going to call and make sure she's on her way.

Gary Johnson.

Hey, Maxie!

Congratulations, little buddy!

Look at you.

You hate these things. Ronnie Kaplan.

Angie has taught me it's important to celebrate these moments because that is

what makes life the best.

Your scotch.

Oh, my God.

What?

The most recent picture of her.

Look, all we know is that she's with this Zach Powers.

And his dad said he disappeared this morning and took $5 ,000.

Look, we'll put your daughter's name in the database of runaways, but there's

not much we can do at this point.

That's it?

That's what my tax dollars are paying for?

Ma 'am, you look familiar. Have we met before?

George, this cop is never going to find your daughter.

He has arrested me three times and he still doesn't remember me.

You're the woman we maced who said, is that all you got?

Listen, if we hear anything, we'll let you know.

Mom, is Carmen coming back?

Honey, don't worry about it. Of course she's coming back.

How about I take her room and she can have my smaller room as punishment?

Anyone?

Let's get something to eat.

Honey, it's not your fault.

You were just trying to protect her.

I'm going to call some of Carmen's friends.

Daddy!

Can you help me put this together?

No, Carmen, I'm busy.

I'm gonna go find her.

Listen, we had a great season, and we want to thank everybody for watching.

Check out your favorite episodes during the summer, and be sure to join us for

an all -new season of George Lopez next fall. Okay, enough of the butt -kissing.

Who won the Disneyland contest?

Okay, for all of you who counted the Mickey heads and are waiting to see if

won $10 ,000 and a VIP vacation at Disneyland and Disney's California

theme parks, the winner is... My pal, 25 -year -old New York police officer Kirk

Lassman from Massapequa, New York. Mm -hmm.

Congratulations, have a great time, and good night, everybody.