Original subtitles

Hey,

you two.

How are the wedding plans coming? They would be going great if Randy would just

shut up and let me make the decisions. She's trying to make all the decisions

and not just the wedding.

Why won't you even talk about kids? We could adopt.

You want a kid?

Okay.

Fine.

Oh, look, it's a boy.

And when you hold him, remember to support that head.

Because you don't want that thing to snap off and fall on your foot.

Okay, so what is the problem with the wedding?

Oh, he wants to have a big, fancy ceremony, and I just want to do it in a

courthouse.

But not the Van Nuys Courthouse.

There's a judge there who thinks I'm in a wheelchair.

Benny, if I'm only going to do this once, I want to do it right.

I had my heart set on a proper church wedding with a pastor and a fiddle band

and my beloved dressed in white.

You know, it's a little late for me to be wearing white.

It was almost too late for me to wear white to my own confirmation.

Grandma, you should have a big wedding.

That's what I'm going to do.

It's going to be on a cliff overlooking the ocean at sunset.

And as soon as I say I do, a hundred white doves are going to go flying into

air.

No.

Carmen, your wedding's going to be in the backyard.

The only thing flying is going to be Aunt Sylvia.

All drunk, she's going to come back from the bathroom with her dress tucked in

her pantyhose. May I look at her? Anyone's looking at me.

I still got it. They're jealous.

Babe, I can only compromise so much. I mean, you got to give me something here.

Yeah, Mom, give him something.

This guy loves you.

He just wanted to spend the rest of his life with you.

He's seen you in the morning, Mom, and he's still here. Honor that.

If anybody makes fun of what I'm about to say, they're going to be picking up

their teeth from the floor.

Randy, you know, I don't feel comfortable showing my emotions in front

people.

But if you need for me to say I love you...

In front of the whole world, and you can just invite the whole world to that

wedding because I want you to be happy.

Oh?

I warned you, sister. You may be hard and crunchy on the outside, but

I love your sweet nougat -y center.

You know, a real wedding means someone needs a real bridal shower.

Forget the shower.

Hey, if Randy is going to have a bachelor party, I want a bachelorette

If something's going to be shaking in his face, I want something shaking in

mine.

You're a lucky, lucky man.

Listen, about the bachelor party, George, I don't want one like Benny's.

clean, okay?

I don't like having my car started if I'm not going to drive it anywhere.

I think it's so sweet that Randy wants a clean bachelor party.

Are you kidding?

When a guy comes to you and says he wants a clean bachelor party, it's your

to make it as wild and as nasty as possible.

How wild and nasty are we talking?

Well, come on. That's just not for me. It's for Randy.

You're the only one who starts my car, baby.

And sometimes I start it when you're out of town to make sure it's still

running.

So your mom's really tying the knot, huh?

Where's she registered? The Museum of Natural History?

That's a horrible thing to say, Gina.

Oh, but that's going to get a huge laugh at the reception.

Hey, Ernie, you still coming to Randy's bachelor party? I don't know, George.

Those things are usually crude and disgusting.

If they're planned right.

Well, don't get your hopes up.

Randy's serious about me keeping it clean.

Well, then you got to make it funny.

Get him like an old lady stripper, you know, as a joke.

That's the joke he's got to see every night with my mom.

But you know what?

I like it. Yeah, now all we got to do is find an older woman willing to take her

clothes off.

I'll do it.

I don't know, Gina, are you sure you want the guys from work to see you that

way? Hey, I work out two hours a day. I do yoga.

I didn't spend seven grand on laser surgery not to prod it out every once in

while.

I don't know, Jean. I mean, I'm your manager. Are we crossing some kind of

here? Oh, look.

I'll do boots, bikini, and paste.

Oh, don't get hurt. Okay.

I'll call you with the details.

Hey, George.

Who's finding out the house?

Look, somebody's hair grew back during the coma.

Yeah, I just wish I could see it.

That accident left me a little blind.

Man, how bad is it?

Well, I know you're waving your hands in front of my face.

So you can see movement.

No, no, everyone does this.

I'm so sorry, Amy. No, no, no, it's okay. The doctors aren't sure it's

permanent. They say the next 20 years are just really crucial.

We don't abandon our own around here.

If you need someone to read you the want ads out loud... Hey, just because I'm

blind doesn't mean I can't do my old job, okay?

All I did while I was in rehab was visualize working on my machine.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some airplane parts to make.

my machine, huh?

No, it's me, Ernie.

All right, everybody, back to work.

Hey, Amy, why don't we talk about your job in my office, okay? Okay, well, let

me just put my backpack back in my locker.

Randy, Randy?

Randy, can you, uh, can you help me back to my locker?

How'd you know I was here?

Well, since I lost my sight, my senses have been kind of heightened.

I smell you're chewing tobacco again.

Someone in here is wearing way too much collude.

How have you been?

Good. Sorry about your accident.

I'm sorry about what happened before the accident.

Randy, I never should have broken up with you.

Amy. Yes?

That was a long time ago.

I thought about you all the time. I tried to call you, but I kept picking up

defibrillator, shocking myself in the head. It was... Amy. Yes?

I'm sorry, but it's over.

But I don't want it to be over.

I still love you, Randall McGee.

Hey, George, about the bachelor party tonight?

And 80 bucks to pay for the cake I'm coming out of.

A cake? Isn't that a little old -fashioned?

Oh, trust me. Once I pop out of that cake, it's going to be boom.

Okay.

Do the cake, all right? But remember, Randy's a nice guy.

So nothing too extreme.

So no toys?

No, no.

Okay,

look, what the hell was that? George, I can explain.

Don't blame him. It is all my fault.

George, hey, can I cut out early to go to my bachelorette party?

Okay, Mom.

Hey, but don't do anything you're going to regret, okay? You're about to enter a

sacred bond based on trust.

Oh.

Well, I was just going to put a few singles in a fireman's G -string, but

Yeah, I got myself a keeper.

Okay, who'd she swat? Who'd she swat?

I didn't get a chance to tell you. Me and Benny are engaged.

Why would she care?

I didn't get a chance to tell you.

Amy and I used to date.

So?

Congratulate us, Amy.

Yeah.

Congratulations. Okay, well, um... I gotta get back to work.

Doris.

Okay.

How come you never told me about her?

Because I didn't want you getting all jealous over something that was ancient

history. I mean, come on, be fair. Have you told me about all your exes?

I told you about the hitchhiker.

What hitchhiker?

All right, you know, I can't stand around here jabbering all day. I got a

to go to.

Are we good here?

Yeah, I don't know.

I mean, it didn't look like ancient history when you were making out with

the hall. George, I swear to God, Amy is my past, and Benny's my future. I'm

marrying your mom.

Well, just remember, the last guy who hurt my mom is dead.

I know your dad died of kidney disease, George.

Did he?

Why am I just that good?

that for your grandma's bachelorette party. If there's any left, I'll give it

back.

Oh, George, your mom's party is gonna be great. We're gonna make her a wedding

dress out of toilet paper.

And then we're gonna play this game where we pretend to be a famous first

and everyone has to guess who you are.

Here, guess who I am.

Angie, I got a problem.

I caught Amy and Randy kissing today.

Does your mom know? No.

Randy says they used to date and she kissed him and he swears that there's

nothing going on.

Well, what kind of kiss was it?

You ever seen my mom eat spare ribs?

Did he pull away?

Not until he saw me.

I can't believe Randy would do that to your mom.

You gotta tell her.

Okay. Who am I?

I'm an... Angry short woman who just killed her fiancé because her son told

about a kiss that might have been totally innocent.

Okay. Who am I?

I'm a bitter old woman trapped in a loveless marriage because no one ever

me my husband still had feelings for someone else.

Hillary Clinton.

We're not playing the game.

This is your mother's life.

Look, Angie, you don't think I know that? I'm the one that talked her into

taking a chance on this guy.

He didn't pull away.

A long kiss means something.

Not necessarily.

You see?

Nothing.

You ladies really know me.

When is the entertainment coming?

Beef kebab?

Let's get this party started.

Why, yes.

I would like a beef kebab.

Ma 'am, I've told you for the last hour. I'm just a waiter here.

I'm the waiter. I'm waiting for those pants to come off.

Randy doesn't care if I have a little fun.

We trust each other.

He tells you everything?

Yep.

So, you know about Amy?

Oh, yeah.

It is what it is. It happened. It's over.

Wow. Your fiancé kisses his ex -girlfriend and you just let it go?

Really wrong, Benny.

What are you talking about?

Oh, God, George is going to kill me.

Not if you're dead already. Talk.

make it, man. Are you kidding? I wouldn't miss this for the world.

Happy birthday, son.

This is my bachelor party.

No, boss doesn't go to an employee's bachelor party. Wouldn't be appropriate.

Boy, does the boss love him a down and dirty birthday party.

Gentlemen,

it is time for the main event.

and grinding since the Cuban Missile Crisis.

Joe, trust me, you might want to leave those dirty.

She's not what you'd expect, but let's give her a big round of applause

Please welcome to the stage the lovely Gina La Cochina.

Okay,

this might be a blessing in disguise.

thinking amy this is the bachelor party for the guy who's gonna marry my mom who

shouldn't even be here ernie take her home but i'm gonna miss the show it's

oh that's true amy no no randy is making a big mistake marrying benny look we

know that all right but he loves her and it's his choice so let it go no can't

randy are you in here yeah i'm here

Look at me.

I'm wearing the same red dress I wore the first moment you ever told me you

loved me.

You can't give up all the things you said you wanted when we were together.

You said you wanted family. You wanted children.

I'm ready to give that to you now. And Benny, you said you wanted to grow old

together. Do you really want somebody with that much of a head start, Randy?

The next sound you hear will be me hitting you with a waffle iron!

Mom, back off!

Amy's leaving!

Not unless Randy tells me to.

Tell her, Randy.

Randy, tell her you're marrying my mom.

I do want kids.

Benny... I love you, but I need some time to think.

Take all the time you want.

Take a chance on the guy.

Come over whenever you're ready.

Oh, and if the lights aren't on, that doesn't mean I'm not home. I might just

reading.

Mad that I told her about the kiss?

No.

It's better that she found out now.

What are you going to say to her?

Well, I'm going to tell that you'll find somebody else.

I mean, Randy can't be the only guy interested in a cranky, 50 -something,

-smoking, factory worker. You know what? I'm going to lie. Yeah.

How you doing?

Never better.

You know, you were right.

Randy is a jerk, Mom.

But that doesn't mean that there's not somebody else out there for you.

They all turn out to be jerks.

I didn't learn one damn thing when your father walked out on me.

You are the only man in my life who hadn't totally disappointed me.

Really?

Don't get me wrong. You got your fault.

I mean, you're stubborn.

You spoil your kids.

You spend way too much freaking time on your hair.

And you let your wife lead you around like a mutt who's had his junk yanked.

right!

I'm glad you're feeling better, Mom.

Good night.

You know, if they would help, I'd go sit in a playpen with a...

diaper on and you could yell, this is all your fault, they hate you.

That's funny.

You thought that old aquarium was a playpen.

Think of a party last night, George.

Well, I'm glad you had fun.

Well, I had fun, all right. I took the party home with me.

I met a lady.

Congratulations. Don't need to hear any more.

Yeah. I had a lot to drink. I don't remember all the details, like her name

what she looked like or why there's a clump of hair missing from my back.

Please stop.

He left us in my car.

Stallion.