Original subtitles

Hey, babe. Hey.

What's all this?

Oh, I took on new sale territory and I'm plump. Can you take Carmen out Saturday

for her driving lesson?

You really want to put a 15 -year -old girl behind the wheel of a 4 ,000 -pound

truck?

Come on, Angie. Carmen still gets startled by her own hoop earrings.

Who's that?

What do you want?

Leave me alone!

She aced the written part of the driving test.

Look, I don't care. I don't think she's ready to drive. Well, the state of

California does. They gave her a learner's permit.

If I cared about permits, we wouldn't have a second floor in this house.

Guess what? Jason was just nominated for prom queen.

Oh, I remember when I was nominated for prom queen.

I was a shoe until I got that zit two days before the dance.

I withdrew from the competition, but I still got so many write -in votes, I

runner -up. In the yearbook, they called me the people's prom queen.

Glory days, huh, baby?

Oh, before Jason takes off, can you guys sign this?

Allendale tried this whole campaign about prom this year. It's promised to

safe. Yeah, they came up with these contracts where students promise to

abstinence and sobriety on prom night.

We've already signed it, and we'd like you both to sign it, too.

What's the penalty if you break the contract?

Well, it's a matter of honor.

They're trying to be responsible.

All right, fine, I'll sign it. Just need to add one little thing.

If Jason McNamara, henceforth referred to as the accused, violates this

or my daughter, I, George Lopez, henceforth referred to as the castrator,

will knowingly, willfully, and thoroughly beat you down.

Wouldn't it be great if every student signed a contract like this?

Yeah, but since they won't, there's going to be a lot of drunk drivers out

the road that night.

You know what would be smart?

We should rent a hotel room with a bunch of our friends, and then after prom we

can hang out there until it's safe.

Isn't it great? It's just like coming to me now.

I got a better idea.

How about you... Don't go to the hotel. You're home by midnight or you're

grounded for a year.

Isn't that great? Oh, my God, it's all just coming to me now.

We promised nothing would happen and we even signed the contract.

That was good enough for all the other parents. We don't care about the other

parents. You're not staying in a hotel.

Well, you know what? Jason and I are alone all the time. If we wanted to have

sex, we would have done it already.

He has a van.

We could have done it right before we came here.

Maybe we did.

Beatdown clause.

You're 15 years old and you're a sophomore, okay? You're lucky we're

go to the prom. I didn't go to my prom.

That's because you were way out of your league.

You were a five -shot bum.

And you were asking out eight and nine.

Come on, you gotta aim lower.

Six.

Ten.

I'll see you later, Cone. Bye, Jason.

Mr. Lopez, you're not a five.

You're a nine.

You're not staying in a hotel.

Later, four.

Oh, okay.

I'm taking Max to the arcade at the mall.

Oh, can I have a ride? I want to start looking for prom dresses.

Unless I'm too young to wear a dress and I should go to the prom in a onesie.

You'd like that, wouldn't you? Snaps at the crotch? I don't think so.

I think I crawled home about five or six in the morning. Did you hear that, Dad?

Yeah, Mom. Tell her what you were doing.

I worked a double shift at the factory.

Then I went to thirsty.

And then I went home to breastfeed your father.

You never breastfed me.

Hey, it's a win -win. You get to practice driving and I get to eat.

Grandma,

is that a beer?

Just keep your eyes on the road, princess.

You're drinking a beer and she's driving?

Why don't you just give me a pair of scissors?

Why are you slowing down?

Because we just passed a police car. Okay.

Be cool.

Maybe he didn't see the beer.

All right. There's only one thing to do.

Undo your top button and start crying.

Afternoon.

Are you George Lopez?

No, officer, I'm Jim Williams.

My wife and I just moved here from Salt Lake. I sell lumber.

Are these your children?

No, my wife Debbie is barren.

Carmen Max, are you okay?

Officer, what happened?

This one was driving.

This one wasn't wearing a seatbelt.

And this one had an expired registration and an open beer in the car.

I don't want to tell you how to do your job, man, but shouldn't that one be

cuffed?

I'm going to release the minors into your custody.

And you've got a date in court. Good job, officer.

You stopped a little old lady from sipping a beer. You know, why don't you

a crack house and make sure they're rewinding their videos?

It's going to be a pleasure testifying against you, ma 'am. You know what, Mom?

What were you thinking?

Where is your judgment? How could you drink with a 15 -year -old girl behind

wheel? Come on. I was choking on a french fry, and there was nothing else

drink. It was just one sip.

George, come on. You of all people know that I can drink a beer and watch a kid.

What are you talking about?

You never watched me. The neighbors had to pitch in to build a fence to keep me

from crawling in the street.

Carmen, we never gave you permission to drive with Benny. I know that, but

I've... I got my permit and I want to get my license in six months.

Someone's got to teach me how to drive and you never have the time.

Honey, I would love to do it, but work is really busy for me right now.

Can you take her out this week?

I don't know. Oh, please, Daddy, please.

Come on, honey.

You are the best driver in the family.

I know I'm the best.

All right, I'll do it.

Have Jason drop you off on Friday after work. Thank you, thank you, thank you,

thank you so much.

I'm getting my license.

Okay, now, if you had done that when the cop pulled us over, I would still have

my car.

Listen up, everybody.

As you know, this afternoon my mother had a court date.

The judge wanted to teach her a lesson.

So he sends her to public.

Humiliation.

Now, I don't want anyone to be scared by what I'm about to say.

Mom, take it off.

Ask me how I endangered my grandchildren's lives.

Turn around so I can see the answer.

It's over.

I'll give it to you.

Report it to me.

Because she could go to jail.

None of us want that, right?

Hey, Daddy.

I'm ready for my driving lesson.

Oh,

I've got one thing to take care of, Carmen.

I'm going driving with Carmen.

Okay,

turn the car on.

Okay, make sure the emergency brake is off.

And check your mirrors.

I can't see out my side mirror. There's an obstruction about two times the size

of a normal human head.

Thank you.

Okay, check the traffic.

Use your signal.

And he's onto the road.

No, I want to go down Van Nuys, cross Magnolia, then up Reseda. Oh, that's

We're taking the major streets so I can find a passing.

No, that way we pass three hospitals and a church in case I need less rights.

Man, I can't wait until I get my license.

Then I can drive myself over to Jason's, the mall and school and work.

Yeah, I won't need you for any of that anymore.

Well, that's assuming you pass your driver's test.

I'm passing that test.

Buy tickets to freedom.

To get out of that house and just go somewhere where I'm not being washed

like a prisoner by two cannibals with a human spirit.

I mean, you know, thanks for everything.

Okay, ease up. You're getting too close to that car. No, I was going to pass

him. Well, then you should have signaled 100 feet ago. I'll signal now.

What are you doing? Checked my mirrors and signaled. But you didn't check your

blind spot.

Where's my blind spot? You can't see it. Okay.

God, could you stop yelling at me? You're making me all nervous.

You're going over a double yellow line, Carmen. Double yellow, Carmen. Stop it.

Just please stop it. Look, pay attention or you are going to kill us. No, I

don't want to do this anymore. Okay, then pull over. Okay.

Watch out!

Oh, my God.

Baby, are you all right? I think so.

Not you in my truck.

Baby, talk to Daddy. I'll get you some help.

It wasn't my fault.

What happened?

Did you hit something?

Do we need to wash the car or bury anything?

What am I saying? You were here all night. We played charades. You got stuck

Star Wars and we all laughed.

Carmen wasn't paying attention.

She cut across two lanes of traffic and went up a curb.

Hey, I was paying attention. You just kept yelling at me and making me all

nervous. Am I making you nervous now?

with him for the kids, but we don't want him anymore.

What happened out there?

Angie, she can't focus.

She's a horrible driver.

I took her out driving last Saturday and she was just fine.

Yeah, were you focusing or were you puckering and glossing? Because I've

you drive like that.

Do you want a talk or a fight? I don't care. I'll fight because you know what?

just cheated death. I feel alive.

But if you want to talk, that's okay, too.

Yelling is not going to make her a better driver.

Look, Angie, I have to yell at her. Do you know how dangerous it is out there?

She's too cocky. She thinks she knows it all.

She thinks she'll be able to drive to school and to Jason's house like it's no

big deal.

I think she can handle that.

Not if she won't listen.

She's too emotional.

I say one little thing, it's, I hate you, stomp, stomp, stomp.

I'm not impatient.

You know what? This is not going to work. I'll just teach Karma because you

don't have the patience.

What? How did this turn against me?

Look, Angie, I got patience, okay? I got more patience than anybody.

Test me.

You can test me now or you can test me later because, okay, I got patience.

Okay, then start fresh with Karma tomorrow and don't yell at her. I bet

can't do it. I can't do it. Huh?

I'll teach her to drive. I don't care if it takes 30 years. And I won't yell

because you know what? I got... Patience.

Okay, fine. If you're that patient, I guess now would be a good opportunity to

tell you about my day.

Unless you want to watch the Laker game.

I would love to hear about your day, darling.

Garcia's partner, Nicole, is having problems with her boyfriend, Mark. And I

think she's just stuck in the same old self -destructive pattern that we were

talking about over lunch last Wednesday. But every time I point it out to her,

she gets mad at me.

So, who does she call in the middle of the night after the two of them are

having a big fight? And I tell her, you know what you need to do? You need to

stop with Alan, okay?

Because I know he's cute and he's got a good car, but that Brett... I'll teach

you to dress it!

Don't torture me, woman!

Why are you picking me up from school?

Listen.

I know you're upset because you hit something yesterday.

But your mom and I discussed it. And today I'm going to be patient.

Well, I don't want to talk. I just want to drive.

Okay.

A little fast for a school zone.

So how was your day? I told you I don't want to talk.

Carmen, what's going on?

It's not like you're going to care.

But Jason dumped me.

Oh, baby, I'm sorry. Stop sign.

Look, I'm not upset, but the guy with the cane sure was.

Why don't you pull over? We'll do this tomorrow.

You know, he's taking his ex -girlfriend Cindy to the prom.

Okay, stay on our side of the road. I'm passing.

Okay, now you've passed. Now pull back over.

Isn't it funny the way oncoming drivers trust you to pull back into your lane on

time?

How can you trust strangers when you can't even trust your own boyfriend?

I don't want to yell, but I'm not ready to die.

Okay, pull over now!

Okay, stop the car.

You said you wouldn't yell at me. Look, are you insane?

You're driving like a crazy woman. I had plenty of time to get over. I was just

mad. Why? Because some guy you break up with every other week is taking another

girl to the prom? Dad, he's been cheating on me for a month.

God, I feel like such an idiot.

Then kill him, not us.

Look, Carmen, Jason's a punk.

He doesn't realize he just lost the best thing that's ever going to happen to

him. Yeah, well, Cindy Lesson is 18. She looks like Jessica Simpson, and she

does everything.

Well,

if he wants to trade a good person for a good time, then that's just his... Shut

up, Dad.

You don't have to do everything to keep a boy.

You don't have to do anything. You don't even need a boy.

You don't even have to get married.

You can stay at home and you can play with dolls until we all die.

Doesn't that sound good?

What are you talking about?

You're growing up too fast. You want to drive.

You want to stay in a hotel room.

Look, you're 15.

I mean, what are you going to do when you're 16? Are you going to get a

and shack up with a fifth grader to feel young again?

I just got my heart broken and you're worried about keeping me from growing

Yes.

Maybe that's why I yell at you.

I mean, you're in a hurry to get out.

And I'm not ready to let you leave.

Oh, please. You can't wait to get rid of me. You think so? Yeah.

Look at this.

Why am I looking at a calendar?

You see what I have marked?

My birthday.

I've circled it because that's going to be the worst day of my life.

Oh, Dad.

Why'd you draw a potato next to it?

That's a boot. I was mad at you one day and I was going to kick your ass out.

I'm sorry I was acting so crazy. Hey, what are you doing? You're not driving.

Dad, you can start treating me like an adult and let me drive home.

Or you can pretend I'm still a baby and take away the keys.

Get in your booster seat.

Dad? After what you did? Carmen, you're a baby until I say that you're an adult.

Oh, I hate you. You're the worst dad ever. Stomp, stomp, slam. What?

Nothing I gotta tell you.

Hey.

How'd the driving with Carmen go?

He tried to kill them.

What?

She's mad because Jason dumped her. He's been cheating on her with Cindy Leshen.

The girl who does everything?

Word is, she does everything.

Mrs. Lopez, Mr. Lopez.

What the hell are you doing here?

I'll tell you what he's doing here.

He does this every time he breaks up with Carmen.

He changes his mind. He thinks a little apology is going to win my baby back.

One of these days, your charm is going to wear off.

And what will you have then, huh?

Just your looks, your brains, and your money.

Look, I just came over because Carmen called me.

She wants me to pick up my stuff.

Carmen, that cheater.

Is Cindy in the car?

Hello, Jason.

I've never seen that outfit before.

I got your stuff.

I've never seen that outfit before.

Listen.

I just want you to know that if it doesn't work out with Cindy and you want

call me, don't.

Now that you know what you're losing, go to hell.

God, that felt good.

You finally stood up for yourself.

Yeah, Carmen, we're really proud of you, honey.

Now, I never want a few dressed like a hooker again.

Go upstairs and put that outfit back in your mom's closet.

Hey. Hey, honey, how was your day?

Do you really want to know?

Absolutely.

Oh, it was crazy.

You have to hear this. Guess who's back with the boys.

Nicole, didn't I tell you that was going to happen?

Mm -hmm.

We had lunch together. We're talking about the new La Marie Summerline.