Original subtitles

Oh, hey. Hey, Daddy. Baby.

Don't schedule anything for Saturday the 29th. We've got a fundraiser at

Carmen's school.

Oh, I can't. I'm busy Saturdays for the rest of the year.

Doing what?

I'm a volunteer fireman.

No, you're not.

Yes, I am.

I didn't want to tell you, Angie, because I didn't want you to worry about

You know, out there on the front line.

That could be the station.

Lopez, unit 41.

What, Chief? There's going to be a big fire on the 29th?

Well, don't worry. You can count on me, Chief.

Chief said they moved your hair appointment to 430.

Dad, come on. This fundraiser's really important.

Look, Carmen, we can barely afford the 14 grand it takes to send you to that

school. But this is to increase handicap access.

But don't they have enough? Carmen, they got ramps and...

Parking and a head start at the LA Marathon, they're halfway done by the

everyone else starts. What else do they want?

To walk.

Well, I want to fly. Where's my fundraiser?

You know, the handicap bathrooms are nice.

Sometimes when you've had a few, that little railing, you know, on the side,

that's the only thing that keeps you from taking a header into the can.

Hey, Mr. Lopez.

Hey.

Hey, Carmen.

I thought it's up to do the kissing booth.

Are you sure you want to see me kissing a bunch of other guys?

No, you're taking the ticket, so I'm doing all the kissing.

Well, if it's the buck a kiss, what does the 20 get me?

Mom, you're not tall enough to ride that ride.

You going to be there Saturday, Mr. Lopez?

Look, Jason, I know your brother's in a wheelchair, and I know you think this

fundraiser's important.

Can I use your bathroom?

But I think it's crucial.

You must be Eric.

Jason's told me so much about you and your brave fight.

Well, I'm losing the fight.

Where's the bathroom?

Jason, why don't you show your brother where it is, huh?

It's right to the left.

Easy with the towel racks, Eric, because they're not reinforced.

All right, I'll go on Saturday, but I'm not giving him any money. They're not,

Al? They're asking for money. They just want us to work a booth.

So everyone's working a booth?

No, most families are donating money, but they understand a few families can't

bear the financial burden. Can't bear the burden? Screw that. I'm not going to

play the poor family for them, so I just got to write a check right now because

you know what? I'm not working in a booth.

They're asking for $5 ,000.

Our booth is going to make more money than all those rich people can make.

It's either ring toss or the squirt of clown. I'll make cotton candy.

I'll do it all. I'll be right there guessing your weight. I'm being with a

little thing.

There's only two booths left.

Fine. What are they?

There's the Fiesta taco stand. That's not going to happen. What's the other

booth?

Well.

Angie, we're never going to make enough money to show up these rich people.

Well, maybe it's because nobody knows you.

Usually they get to dunk somebody that they don't like, like the principal or

the math teacher or something.

Well, it's hard for me to be unlikable, but I'll give it a shot.

Yo, Dawson's Creek.

Come on, spend some of that trust fund money on something other than hair gel.

Buy a ball.

Yeah, Jason, take a shot. Maybe it'll get things started, huh?

No, I don't think that'd be good for my relationship with Mr. Lopez.

Relationship? I don't even like you, man.

Come on, quarterback. I saw your team go 1 -12.

Pretend that target's the other team's safety. I bet you hit it every time.

All right.

Hopefully. Careful. Don't break a nail.

It misses your ass.

You want to try again?

No, that's all right. I better get back to the kissing booth. Yeah, go back to

that kissing booth. I'd rather kiss strangers than Carmen, too.

Oh, now I'm scared.

I'll build you another ramp.

Hey! Hey! Heck -a -leez! Heck -a -leez! Heck -a -leez!

Where you going, man? They'll be selling corn dogs all day.

George! I don't want to go again.

Ladies and gentlemen, there goes the hardest working colon in high school.

Come on, man. Take another shot.

Yeah, well, perhaps if the target was a little bigger.

Like... your head.

Man, why you gotta go there, man? Don't hate, player.

Hey, Mom, if you're here, what are all the kids petting?

You know what? You just get ready to swim. Here you go.

These aren't for me.

They're for my new friend, Kenny Lofton.

Kenny Lofton?

Is the Yankee Center filled?

That arm, it ain't what it used to be.

Hang on, let me get your cutoff, man.

All right.

Well, you did it once, but consistency is not your strong suit.

Or else they wouldn't have traded you six times.

balls please oh that

was

cool here why don't you give it another try huh angie what are you doing in the

tank covering for you you said you were just going to the bathroom that was half

an hour ago

I didn't get dunked. Sweetie, why don't you save that last ball, and then when

Mr. Lopez comes, then... That's all right, it's Gilbert.

He'll be in Miami in two days.

Mr.

Lopez?

Yeah?

I'm Dr. Stoller. I'm the principal here at Allendale. May I have a word with

you? Of course you may.

Mr. Lopez, I believe you know Lawrence Baxter?

Did you make comments concerning this young man's weight?

This young man right here? No.

There were witnesses, man.

I was trying to get people in the booth. He took it the wrong way. Did you say

he has the hardest working colon in high school?

Well, when you say it, it sounds kind of mean.

Principal Stoller.

Hi, how's the fundraiser going?

She was standing right there. Ask her.

Chill.

Mrs. Lopez, did you hear the disparaging remarks your husband made about

Lawrence? Well, no. I only heard him say, good job, son.

That'll help raise money for our handicapped friends.

You know, did you know my husband was a volunteer firefighter?

It's too late. He said the big crybaby screwed him.

I used to teach Spanish.

apologize to him. He's right there.

I'm afraid it's too late for that. You see, we have a zero tolerance policy

for verbal abuse, and that applies to the parents as well.

You need to write a letter of apology. We will publish it in the school paper.

But until that time, I'm afraid you're going to have to leave the campus.

So you're throwing me out? Honey, don't make a scene.

Do you know how much money I made for this fundraiser?

I bet if I was one of these rich parents, I bet if I donated a library...

science lab. I could do whatever I want. I could say whatever I want.

Hey, Thurston, didn't you get the email? Stupid hat day is tomorrow.

Come on, Angie, stop. You're making a scene. Wrap yourself.

Hey,

honey. Hey.

Are you writing your apology letter?

Yeah.

How's this?

Dear Lawrence, this is an apology.

Do not eat this letter.

Just write a real apology. I don't want Principal Stoller to be mad at me. I

have to face her every time I volunteer at the school library.

You know, Angie, when I was a kid, I got made fun of all the time, and nobody

ever told me they were sorry.

My science teacher never apologized for saying, kids, today I'm going to teach

you about an eclipse.

Lopez. Put your head in front of the sun.

And then it got dark and nobody could see my tears.

Honey, I love your big head.

Look, it has its own gravitational pull.

Today was the worst day of my life.

Let me guess.

I made fun of some kids, so today they made fun of you.

But honey, isn't it possible that they were just going to make fun of you

anyway?

No. Look what's posted on the school's website.

All right, some kid put a picture of a hot chick in a wet T -shirt that looks

just like Angie!

It's me getting out of the dunk tank.

You could see right through my shirt.

Well, nobody does this to my wife. Somebody's going to pay for this.

Oh, yeah.

I know a lot of guys who'll pay for that.

If I wanted people to see pictures of my wife like that, I would have married a

playmate.

Yeah, that's what stopped you.

Hey, Jason. Hey, Carmen.

Hey, Mr. Lopez. Hey,

Mrs. Lopez.

Jason, it's okay. You can look at me. I didn't see the picture.

Then why can't you look at me?

Okay, I saw it. But only because one of the guys on the football team made it

into a life -size poster and put it up in the shower.

All right, that's it. I'm going down to that school. I'm going to bust some

heads. Whose heads?

We don't even know who's responsible.

Actually, that's why I came over.

You know that big kid Mr. Lopez was making fun of?

My brother saw him at the dunk tank with a camera phone.

Lawrence. Angie, he did this to get back at me.

You had to open your big mouth and insult everybody that walked by.

Hey, I was doing that for the disabled.

Sometimes you have to hurt some kids to help others.

So who are you trying to help when you hurt me?

You don't know him, but he's very nice.

Angie, I'm going to get that directory and I'm going to take care of Lawrence.

You're not going to...

I will handle this.

But, baby, I got this.

You always say that, but you never have it.

Ever.

Sometimes I have it.

I just don't always brag about it.

Sometimes I just have it.

You just click one.

Easy to put a head on someone else's body.

Oh, see here?

That's Michael Jackson dangling Carmen from a balcony.

All right, that's great, Max. Scoot over.

Hey, Ernie, you got Lawrence's picture? Yep, right there.

Where are you going to do that? Okay, watch this.

All right, see the mama pig suckling her ten little piglets?

There's Lawrence suckling ten little piglets.

Put his head on the picture of those two pigs playing leapfrog.

The one where it says, making bacon.

They're not playing leapfrog, Max. Those pigs are... Okay.

Here's five bucks, okay? You were never here.

Let's go to the Allendale website and post this.

Because you don't mess with George Lopez's lady because I'm hard like that.

That's right.

George, what were we looking at?

The news?

Oh. I'm really concerned on how this mad cow thing is going to affect the Nikkei

Index. Yeah, you know, speaking of mad cow, I told my mom I'd be home by 6, so,

uh, later.

So how did it go at school?

I met with the principal, and she's going to talk to Lawrence.

And tomorrow, I'm going to work at the library like nothing ever happened.

I'm not going to let some stupid teenage prank change my life.

Good for you.

Thank you for not interfering.

I had to do this my way.

You're right, baby. Look, you have your way and I have mine. Okay, if we both

respect that, I'll never have to sleep on the weight bench in the garage.

Any better today, honey?

Well, um, during the morning assembly, the prince... the bull pointed at me and

told everyone to stop making fun of Carmen Lopez.

That helped.

I'll go upstairs and talk to her.

Oh, thank God. I thought it was my turn.

It is your turn. Yeah, but you're already right there by the stairs, so

Maybe we should go.

Yeah, I don't think Carmen's in the mood to hang out. People were giving her

crap about that picture all day.

Yeah, well, don't worry.

They'll be talking about another picture tomorrow.

Check this out.

I just posted this on the school's website.

Whoa.

Hey, that's Lauren.

He's nursing Piglet.

Who knew he was such a nurturing mother?

Mr. Lopez, it's kind of harsh.

The guy just made one mistake.

What mistake?

Did you see what he did to Mrs. Lopez?

Let him suffer.

But, I mean, he already gets teased a lot because of his weight.

Well, he should have thought about that before he took that picture.

But we're not really sure he did it.

I thought you said you saw him with a camera phone.

Well, I did, but that doesn't mean anything. A lot of people have camera

Look, I just sent out pictures of this kid as a pig because of what you said.

I didn't know you were going to do that.

I wouldn't have said anything.

Do you have a camera phone, Eric?

ramp down.

Not so fast, Ironside.

What's going on, Eric?

I took the picture.

I'm really, really sorry.

You little... Okay.

Fair fight.

Roll into this.

What is going on?

It was him, Angie.

Eric took that picture of you.

What?

Why? would you do that?

I don't know. I thought it'd be funny.

I'm really sorry, Mrs. Lopez.

I feel terrible.

Well, as long as you understand what you've done is wrong, I guess

we can let this go.

Mrs. Lopez, if you don't treat him like everybody else, you're not doing him any

favors.

You drooling little weasel!

for his money to make your life easier and this is how you pay me back?

I have half a mind to tie your hands behind your back and push you into a

That would kill him.

Well, tomorrow morning I am taking you to the principal.

I wouldn't be surprised if you got suspended.

Can we go in the afternoon?

I have neuromuscular therapy in the morning.

Well, let's just forget this ever happened.

Thank you. It was just a dumb prank.

I never expected all those kids to tease Carmen.

Oh, and that picture of Lawrence Mr. Lopez put on the internet.

What picture?

Let's remember who the real villain is here.

The kid in the wheelchair.

What picture?

Angie, there is no more noble action than to defend the honor and virtue of

woman that you love.

I put the boy's head on a picture of a mother pig offering one of her many milk

nozzles to her young.

I dare you to find fault with that.

To the weight bench.

Angie, do I have to?

Yes, you do.

Right, but if you go out there and you don't see me and there's a big lump in

Lawrence's throat, call the cops.

You wanted to see me?

Yes, I did.

Listen, Lawrence, I was way out of line, okay?

And what I did was insensitive.

And I wanted to call you over here to tell you that I'm sorry and to give you

a...

Autographed picture of Kenny Lofton.

And?

And a picture of Michael Jackson dangling me over the balcony.

I look scared, but I'm not.

What else you got?

A very heartfelt I'm sorry and goodbye.

Your wife says you have something special to give me for what you did.

What, are you holding back?

My wife said that?

Yeah.

All right.

Here are two courtside Laker tickets I got for my birthday. Are we cool?

Wow, Mr. Lopez, thanks, man.

Hey, man, if you can't find anyone to go with you... Yeah, yeah, man, we could

have hot...

Popcorn, cotton candy, everything, right?

Well, too bad. This big L don't roll like that.