Original subtitles

Oh, hi, Brenda.

Oh, my God.

That's terrible.

Well, I had plans, but I guess I can help you out.

Okay. Bye.

You don't even know what it is.

I don't care. Keep dancing.

Kathy Stein, the district sales manager for Lumry, has meningitis.

Yes!

Meningitis!

Dance!

No!

That's not the good part. She can't make it to the Lumry sales conference in Las

Vegas, so they asked me to go.

Vegas, all right!

I'm going to Vegas. I'm going to be like that at the casino. What you like?

No, you're not.

Why not?

Because someone has to watch the kids and that someone is... You

know, I think I might be coming down with meningitis.

What are the symptoms again?

Swelling of the brain lining.

I've had it since birth.

George, it's just a...

and the kids are at an age where they can almost look after themselves.

Give me that letter or I'm going to kill you. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Like it kills a piece of your heart every time you and Jason are apart?

Everybody hates you, you loser.

Oh, wait, you hate going to sleep because eight hours without Jason makes

weep?

I'm going to beat you with a bat.

The way you beat Jason, that's not in here. Oh, oh.

you two fighting.

You're not going to the dance on Friday, and you, say goodbye to the skate park.

That's not fair, Mom. He stole my letter. So what? It's just a stupid

She hit me with a bat, Mom.

Hey, don't look at her.

She agrees with me.

Yes, I do.

Now go to your rooms.

Now.

I do not agree with you. You were too harsh with them.

That dance is really important to Carmen, and you don't have to take away

skate park.

apologize. That's it?

Look, Angie, we're being way too easy on these kids.

You know what my mom would have done to me if I pulled any of this crap?

She'd make me sit on my hands until they fell asleep and then she'd slap me with

them.

Hey, Max, these trucks are expensive. You better not be driving it off the

table. Don't worry.

I wouldn't do something that stupid.

So you can destroy them. But I'm going to get more.

Do you know there are kids in the world, Max, who don't even have toys?

And there are kids who have a lot more toys than me. So it kind of balances

Sit on your hands.

What?

Look, never mind.

I don't want you wrecking another toy, okay? And I want you to clean this up

right now.

The built -in camera. Ha!

Carmen, you can't get a cell phone without asking. Dad, don't worry.

The phone is free.

I have to call Taylor and tell her my phone came. I want to show her how

I was when I opened it.

Carmen, the plan you signed up for is an extra $20 a month.

And you're locked in for two years. That's like $480.

Dad, the phone is free.

You know what? The phone is free, because we're sending it back.

No, Daddy, I really want this phone.

I mean, it's super cool, and look, you can even press this button, and it'll

record your own voice. No way!

Carmen,

you really want this phone, don't you? I really do, Daddy.

No way!

Hey, did you clean up the backyard like I told you?

Relax, I'll get it done.

Did I ever tell you you're doing a fine job with these two?

computer i'm downloading a song too late here's the new song move your feet lose

your feet damn it what's the matter with you

two do you know how much this computer costs you have the protection plan right

no i don't have the protection plan

if i believed in protection plans neither you would be here

You guys are spoiled brats. You take everything for granted.

You don't know how good you have it.

You guys wouldn't have been able to make it through one week of my childhood.

Oh, please. They wouldn't last one night at my house.

You know, they would probably start crying the very first time they had to

water out of the tap.

Oh, it's slightly yellow.

You know what? Let's do it.

It's time I teach you two kids a lesson.

You guys are spending the week at Grandma Benny's house. What?

Do they have to do whatever I say? I

have complete control?

Yes. Okay, but no hitting.

And you can't make them hit themselves.

You're not serious.

Open your mouths.

Open them. Wide.

Welcome to my childhood.

Dad, we've been to Grandma's house before.

Yeah, well, you've been to the zoo before, but you never spent the night in

gorilla's cage.

All right, let's get a couple of things straight before Coco gets back.

You guys are going to live this week exactly the way I did when I was a kid.

So, no cell phones, no computer games, and if you cry yourselves to sleep at

night, save the tears so you have something to drink in the morning.

Oh, and just remember, you have no one but yourselves to blame.

You're horrible, horrible children.

All right.

I use your dad's old room for storage now, so you kids are going to sleep on

pull -out couch.

What time do we have to go to bed?

I don't care.

I got three basic rules.

Don't drink my beer.

Don't touch my smokes. And don't sneak up on me when I'm sleeping.

I got a gun under my pillow.

And I sleep au naturel.

What are you doing home?

Stupid Kathy and her meningitis.

They canceled the conference.

What happened?

She died.

Oh, it's too bad.

So, kids drove you out of the house?

Um, kids aren't here, Angie.

Where are they?

Look, listen, before you start, let me tell you that Carmen and Max were acting

so bad that I actually thought about sending them to my mom's for the week.

That would have been the dumbest thing you've ever done.

Okay, then this next part's not going to be easy.

Oh, my God.

You sent them to the house of the woman who's responsible for everything that's

wrong with you?

Look, Angie, you weren't here, okay? You didn't see the way they acted.

Nothing that kids could ever do would justify sending them to Benny's.

the right day okay i see what you're doing you just wanted the kids out of

house so you could hang out with ernie but that's not true okay i'm teaching

them something so you're teaching with a six -pack and a videotape

what's the tape ernie oh nothing

what's the tape hey i didn't

Like he's got no legs.

I don't believe you two.

Listen, Angie.

He puts his legs to a bed or something that's underneath him.

He's got legs.

Yeah. Basically, you know...

bennies to make sure the kids are all right look angie i'm sure they're fine

come on we let my mom babysit here all the time yeah and the last time she

babysat we came home found her drunk and passed out on the couch with a lit

cigarette in her hand angie the kids would have put out the fire

all right what's next on grandma's list

Do you want to clean the hair out of the drain or sweep up the dead ants?

Grandma, aren't you going to answer that?

It's probably Randy.

Aren't you getting married to him in like three months?

Yeah, but when I don't answer, he gets mad.

I like him a little mad.

Oh. All right, fine. Here.

Take half.

I don't like mayonnaise.

Eat crap, then.

No one's home.

This is just great.

Angie, you're overreacting. No, I'm not.

The only reason you did this was because I wasn't here to stop you.

This... It's total betrayal.

You want to talk about betrayal?

You saw Celine Dion, didn't you?

You knew I wanted to see that show. How could you?

Name one of her songs.

They're all beautiful. Don't make me choose.

How about the one? She's like that.

consult each other before we do anything with the kids.

But this time, you parented behind my back.

I would never do that to you.

How do I trust you after this, huh?

All right, Angie, listen.

I got mad.

Okay, I did it in the heat of anger.

I should have called.

Yes, you should have.

Now I'm going to keep calling Benny's until someone's home.

Well, we got the House without the kids.

The fight's over. Maybe now would be a good time to, you know.

Put up the shelves in Max's room that you've been promising to do for a year.

You sure this isn't just about you wanting to see me in my tool belt?

You really want me to do this, right?

That's why they're extinct How do I trust you after this?

That's what I'm talking about

Max made a list of things to blackmail Carmen with.

Number one, Carmen failed her math quiz.

Number two, Carmen took $20 out of Mom's purse.

Number three, Carmen wears a thong to school.

George, how do we know Max isn't just making things up?

Remember when I said that Carmen's virginity was hanging on by a thread?

Calm down. Why should I calm down? Look, we told her she couldn't wear thongs

and she did it behind our backs.

I'm going to my mom's. Well, I told you no one's home.

I'll wait out front.

I want to see the look on her face when I tell her that she's grounded for a

year. You can't do that.

Why not?

Because I gave her permission to wear the underwear.

What? When?

You just don't remember. You never listen to me.

Oh, no.

Not this time, Angie.

Look, I might not pay attention when you talk about work or family or your

feelings.

But you say the word song, the rest of the world melts away.

the two, wearing a thong at her age isn't a big deal anymore.

Well, it's a big deal to me.

George, I wear thongs.

Angie, when you wear a thong, you're spicing up a 16 -year -old marriage.

When Carmen wears a thong, she's starting a pep rally in every 16 -year

boy's pants.

It's not about sex.

It's about panty lines.

You know what? You can be so...

rigid sometimes.

It's the tree that bends that doesn't break.

Yeah? And there's that tree that's bending over wearing a thong, because

the tree all the monkeys are climbing on.

One thing. I did one thing behind your back.

And what about Karma's new cell phone?

Did you know about that?

Or do the kids think they can do whatever they want? Because when I tell

no, you go behind my back and you tell them yes.

Well, I can't help it. The way you were raised, your first instinct is to say no

and to punish. And that's not always right.

No. Look, we agreed to be a team.

Look, it's us against them, Angie. If we're not unified, they're going to walk

all over us.

You're right.

I'm sorry.

From now on, we don't go behind each other's backs. We fight until someone

Okay, the phone goes back when Carmen gets to wear a thong when she's 16.

47. 17.

66, and it's a retirement thong.

18, she should be out of the house and should be able to wear whatever she

wants. Fine.

If she really moves out when she's 18, she can wear plastic wrap and a cracker

for all I care.

You're back early. Hey, George, do you have any rubber gloves?

Apparently. Some of my cleaning products burn the skin.

Benny, where are the kids?

Oh, relax. They're fine.

When I left the house, the boy was rewiring a lamp, and the girl was

the couch sobbing. You know, kid stuff.

All right, let's go get them.

Oh, hey, Mom, let me ask you something.

Huh?

What do you think about a teenage girl wearing thong underwear?

Well... I used to think it was pretty trashy.

But Randy likes it and...

It's pretty damn comfortable.

You're right.

They're not sexual at all.

What's going on?

Sit down.

Yeah, sit down.

We made you dinner.

You guys cooked for us? Mm -hmm. We wanted to show how much we appreciate

guys. We're sorry for how we acted.

Oh.

Huh.

Seems like maybe these children have learned a lesson.

All right. Maybe a day at your mom's did do them some good.

Angie, everything's perfect.

The kids made us dinner.

They learned a lesson, and Carmen's not wearing a thong anymore.

VPL.

All right, we made you your favorite lasagna.

And Mom's favorite dessert, bread pudding. Oh, everything looks delicious,

A little garlicky.

It's Friday night and time for more TGIF comedy.

A new Mary to the Kelly starts right now.