Original subtitles

We're late, Auntie. We had a ton of traffic.

Oh, I haven't started cooking yet. I'm learning the new Lum Marie makeup line.

Benny, let me try some of these colors on you.

No.

Look, I'll cook you dinner, but first, let me make you gorgeous.

Oh, great. We're never going to eat.

Wait. You know, I bet cinnamon swirl would look good on your lips.

You know what would look good on my lips?

A big piece of chicken.

Why are you trying to sell that stuff to my mom anyways? I thought we agreed.

We wait till she dies, then you can make her up however you want.

Wouldn't it be great if the coroner pulled her out of the fridge and she

like the drummer from Kiss?

I'm trying to stall her until Randy gets here. It's their six -month anniversary

and I helped him plan a big romantic night for her.

No, Angie, why are you encouraging him?

I don't know why he's going out with her anyways.

Eventually he's going to get over this phase and go back to women.

Why can't you accept the fact that your mom's got a man?

Because it's weird.

I don't know why he's with her.

Any normal guy who's over 35 is looking for a younger woman so that he can feel

good about himself.

Not me. I got the truck.

Angie, the Duke of Hazzard is here.

Evening, George.

Randy. My God, you look so handsome.

Doesn't he, George?

Why do you put me on the spot like this?

You can tell me, George. I can take it.

By the way, you look very nice tonight.

Thanks. I'd like, uh...

I like how your beard starts from inside your nose.

Hey, Randy.

What are you doing here?

Hey, babe. I'm taking you out on the town tonight. I got you a new dress to

and everything.

Happy six -month anniversary, Angel.

Six months?

Well, what kind of a fruitcake celebrates a six -month anniversary?

Robin, the casket every day is a gift.

Benny, why don't you put the dress on and I'll do your makeup?

You want to get going. You got a big night ahead of you. I don't want to go

anywhere. I don't like surprises.

And I don't have my big night underwear on.

Come on, it'll be fun.

We're going to a wine bar that Angie recommended. Don't worry, I called

They have beer.

Then we're going to... Going to a great seafood restaurant that Angie

recommended? Don't worry, I called ahead. They have chicken.

And then, after toothpicks, I've got a little anniversary present for you.

What is it?

Oh, not here, Benny. When I give it to you, I want the mood to be right.

Well, wait, let me get an empty jug and now two jars of carton music right here.

All right, you know, let's just cut out the romance and just give it to me.

Okay? Here?

Hang on, babe. Let's do this right.

I love you.

What's this?

It's the key to my apartment.

Metaphorically, it's the key to my heart.

I think it's time we take things to the next level, Benita.

The next level, huh?

Well, it was bound to happen sooner or later.

I tell you what, I'm just going to go shimmy into this little number and then,

you know, we can just head out.

I don't deserve you, Randy.

Why would she do that, George?

Wait, we don't even know if that was her.

That could have been the neighbor's car.

I'm going to go check.

Mother?

I'm sure this will all work out.

Hey, why aren't you on the floor?

Oh, um, I met a girl at Thirsty's last night, and, uh, I might have given her

the impression that I have my own office with my own phone line, so... Go to

work, and I'll get you when she calls.

Well, you can't answer the phone, Powers Brothers Aviation.

Why not?

Well, I might have given her the impression that, uh, I was an insurance

adjuster.

That's your lie to get women?

What, professor of lovemaking doesn't work anymore?

You can't sit here all day, man. Go back to work. Oh, no. I told her to call

before lunch, so, you know.

Oh, okay.

Hello? Uh, uh, big insurance company.

Get back to work!

Yeah, where were you last night?

I called like 20 times.

Then I came over to your house. Didn't you hear me pounding on the door?

You know my credit.

Somebody's always pounding on my door.

Benny, how could you walk out on me?

I opened myself up to you. I gave you my key.

And I threw it in the Pacific Ocean.

Well, I had to get rid of some used motor oil and paint anyway.

Why are you pushing me away?

Why are you trying to ruin what we had?

We were doing really good before you wanted to take it to the next level.

What do you want from me? More than I'm getting.

Why can't I spend the night for once?

Why do you always have to kick me out right after we have relations?

I'm tired of hearing nice work, pal, but I watch the news alone.

I wouldn't have to say it if you would learn to get dressed in the dark. When

cigarette goes out, then you should, too.

Jenny, you're going to deal with this. No, I'm done dealing with it. Well, I'm

not done. Well, you know what? You are done, because when I say you're done,

that's when you're done. If I'm done, then why am I still talking?

my office now.

I warned you two about bringing your forbidden love into work.

When you punch in, you're not my mom and you're not the wrinkle chaser dating

her.

You're an employee, so act like it.

And mom, bring back my CD player. That's not part of this, but Mac said he saw

it at your house.

I came here to work today.

He is the one who started this fight, okay?

You know, he is the only man in the world who's not happy that he can just

it and quit it.

Listen, I'm sorry about all this, George. I'm just a passionate man.

When I'm around your mom, my 116th Apache comes out.

Randy, I don't know what you want with my mom, but I'm going to tell you one

thing. Okay, you're not going to get warmth and affection.

I wanted it too when I was a kid and I didn't get it.

She's cold, man.

She used to take my temperature the other way just because she thought it

funny.

What are you saying, George?

She is who she is, man. You have to accept that or you're wasting your time.

I hear you, George.

Powers Brothers Aviation.

Car and house insurance.

Yeah, Ernie's here.

But, look, Ernie's really not an insurance adjuster, okay? The truth is

machinist. And he makes a good salary. He's a good guy.

And he lives with his parents, so he makes enough money to pay for a foster

with an alcoholic mom and... Hello?

What the hell did you say to Randy?

What was your problem now?

He just dumped me.

What? Don't you act all surprised.

If you hadn't opened your big mouth, he would have gotten over that take it to

the next level crap, and we would have gone back to the way we were. This is

your fault.

Oh, yeah, you're right.

This is my fault.

I'm the one who sleeps with a man young enough to be his son and then freaks out

when he wants something more.

Yeah, that's me.

All I want to do is sleep with him and throw him away.

That's right, Brad. Walk away.

This fur is pretty, but this kitty's got clouds.

Let's move on to hair care. Now, I need someone to help demonstrate the new

Lumry leave -in conditioner.

Well, how about you, Max?

Is that the junk that burned my scalp?

He's referring to the invigorating tingling that lets you know that it's

working.

Because, ladies, beautiful hair is what keeps your man happy.

a homeless problem in the neighborhood and sometimes they just wander in. Come

on, sir, I'll get you a warm bowl of soup and close you down in the front

I'm sorry.

Mom, what do you think you're doing? And she's got customers out there.

What is going on?

And why are you walking around in a robe?

Because I got no one to get dressed for. I got no one to get undressed for.

George. screwed up my relationship with Randy.

George, what did you do?

I told him he has to accept my mom the way she is.

What a horrible thing to say!

He never wanted me to date, and now he's made sure I won't.

Come on, Mom, there'll be other guys.

There's a couple billion on the planet. There's got to be two with the same

fetish.

Even if I did meet another guy, you would just screw it up.

I'm done.

Oh.

By the way, I brought your CD player back.

It's been skipping.

You might want to look into that.

George, I can't believe you did that. I've never seen your mom this depressed.

What's everybody going so crazy about?

What's the big deal about losing Randy?

He gave my mom an STD.

He drinks like a fish and half of his relatives are in prison.

That's a catch for her.

Look, Randy may not be perfect, but he's sweet as can be.

He's got you pulled too?

I'm telling you, Angie, something's not right.

My mom abuses him and he stays with her.

I'll tell you why.

He's going to marry her, put a big insurance policy on her head, and let

secrets do their work.

What if he really loves her?

What if he really loves her? What if he really loves her?

What if he really loves her?

Well, then I was wrong, and I ruined the remainder of my mom's life.

So?

So, you better be damn sure you're right about Randy.

Oh! And here's another thing.

If she's alone in her old age, she's going to end up living here in this

for the rest of her life. And your next wife is not going to like that.

Salma wouldn't mind.

Salma said extended family is very important to her.

Salma? Salma Hayek.

My second wife.

I walk in with hair like this and buy those.

I'm George Hayek.

That's right. You don't know.

She could love me.

Hey,

Randy, you got a minute?

Sure. Just sharing a little misery with Shelly here.

Tequila.

What's up, George?

I know you and my mom broke up.

But I can't take the chance of you two guys fighting on the factory floor

I tried to keep my personal feelings out of this, but I couldn't.

So I'm going to fire my mom later.

What?

Are you crazy?

Benny's been there over 35 years.

If you've got to fire somebody, fire me. Look, I can't afford to lose you,

Randy. And Gina's going to do my mom's work.

Hey, what about Gina? She's even older than my mom.

Nice condo at the marina, brand new titanium hips.

Look, Benny doesn't deserve this.

If you don't want to fire me, I quit.

So you'd actually quit for her? I just did.

I would do anything for that woman. George, I love her so much.

If I could, I'd lock her in a cage and show her off.

Like an exotic bird that no human hand should ever soil.

Hey, Randy, if I help you get her back, do you promise me that you will lock her

in a cage?

Wait a minute. You're not firing her? I was just making sure you were for real.

Okay, I'm sorry.

Randy, your ex just walked in. All right.

Let me take care of this.

I want him out of this bar. This is my bar.

Everything can't always be your way, Benny.

Look, he's got just as much right to be here as you do, Mom. Okay, come over

here. I want to talk to you. No.

George, this is where I come to forget my problems. I don't want to see him

here.

I've been coming here since he was in diapers.

Since you were in diapers.

I even changed your diapers on this pool table.

I used to powder your... butt with the blue chalk.

Every story makes me closer to you.

This guy really cares about you, Mom.

You're making a big mistake.

You're blowing this.

You know, George, he's the one who gave up his good thing, okay?

He knows where to find it if he wants it.

Look, Mom, he's not going to do that.

You've got to give him something.

Show him that you care.

Well, maybe I don't care. Oh, you don't care. That's right.

So if Shelly's been hitting on him for the last hour, and he's going to take

out on Saturday night, that wouldn't bother you?

Big deal.

I need a smoke.

Randy, I think I'm getting through to her.

So, open up that cage door and soil yourself.

what you were saying with the thing.

Crazy like this if you didn't care about him.

Get over here. I want to show you how much I care about you.

Why do you have to beat up on the people you care about?

I'll tell you why.

Because I'm going to get them before they get me.

So what, you think Randy's going to be like my dad was?

You think he's going to run out on you and treat you like crap?

Sooner or later, that's what they all do.

So you know what? What if you're wrong?

What if he's just a good guy?

Then I don't know.

My truck!

What happened?

I thought you were flirting with Shelly. She's crazy.

You destroyed my truck, you crazy, pint -sized Mexican groundhog?

Smash up your windshield and George wouldn't let me.

Marry me.

Dude, what are you doing? She's still got the tire iron.

Okay.

Okay, what?

Okay, I'll marry you.

Ready to take it to this level.

We really have to go out to dinner with him?

George, this is huge. Your mom just got engaged. We should celebrate.

Evening, George.

Randy. Oh, you look so handsome.

Dothn't he, George?

We already went through this.

Is Benny here?

Oh, yeah. She's upstairs getting changed. She'll just be a minute.

So, Junior.

Oh, my

God.

Oh.

You know what?

We're going to give you guys a minute. We'll just be in the living room.

Children.