Original subtitles

Hey, what's that?

Oh, it's one of mom's memory headache masks.

So that stuff gets rid of headache? Yep.

Let's see if it'll work.

No, the pain's still there.

Depression, possible side effects, waking up in a field with your panties

your head.

George, come here. We just got an email from Max's school.

Wait a minute.

Okay, I'm ready.

From his teacher, Mrs. Reynolds.

She wants to come to the house to discuss Max's behavior.

What do you think he did?

Oh, Angie, does it matter?

I'm sailing on a cool wave of lavender.

I don't even have any kids.

George, this is serious.

Or a wife.

Hey, guys, maybe you should wait outside for a minute. We need to talk to Mac.

Oh, it's okay, guys.

If it's what happened at school, they already know.

It's just a joke.

Mac?

What did you do? I stuck a pencil up my nose.

Here.

Oh! Max!

Ketchup? Oh, yeah.

Sweet.

You did that in class?

Yeah. Miss Rummel freaked out and fell back on the globe.

Did you know?

Two -thirds of the earth is covered by Miss Ronald's butt?

We do not high -five bad behavior.

We should be high -fiving good deeds.

Like today. I helped an old man to his car at the grocery store. Huh?

George? I don't get it. Do you squeeze it from the bottom or do you use the

pencil?

Guys,

maybe you should wait outside.

I need to talk to your dad.

I don't like what's happening with Max. He's getting real mouth on him, and now

he's starting to act out.

Come on, Angie. He's just being a boy.

When I was his age, I pulled all kinds of stupid pranks.

One time I hit a dead shrimp in the lining of Bernie's jacket.

That's not funny.

It's not. funny when your friend is running the bases and kickball and all

cats are chasing them and everybody in the school is yelling go stinky go

that's not funny i

don't know who i married

hey

hey hey why don't you three go play in the front it's my yard i can play here

i want

Okay, okay, here.

Why don't we play a new game?

It's called Get the Ball from the Neighbor's Rottweiler.

No, I got a better idea.

Why don't you take your tired ass home?

Max,

are you all right? Benny. Angie, I got it.

Come on, honey, let's go inside.

Hey, you don't hit Max.

George, you didn't hear what he said. to me. He told me to take my tired butt

home. He's lucky I didn't have a pool cue.

I'll deal with him later. Okay, but you don't hit my son ever.

What's wrong with you? What, now that I'm grown up, you need somebody else to

smack around?

Please, I never hit you.

What?

You just hit me all the time.

At the clothes for less, you used to pull me in the dressing room and hit me

the cameras wouldn't see.

Come on, let's go inside.

right that's your answer look my head is never supposed to be this big this is

all swelling george you're lucky you don't know how many times i wanted to

you and i didn't you know i said i would never hit a woman you get one more hair

on that chin and i'm taking you down get out

I'm so sorry I missed the meeting with Max's teacher, but we got caught up with

this big fuselage turbine adapter thing.

Right, Ernie? Uh, yeah.

Basically, there was an explosion and a fire, and I was trapped

underneath my machine, and George pulled me out by my feet.

And that's why we're late.

I knew you'd try to get out of this, so I told you the wrong time on purpose.

Max's teacher should be here any minute.

You lied to me?

Well, I think I'm too upset to go to the meeting now.

Hey, hey.

Your mother's here.

She better be coming to apologize to Max.

Are you kidding?

When I was thick, she'd be with the car in the driveway and never apologize.

Ran you over and she didn't say she was sorry? Nope.

She just cracked the window and said, why are you crying?

You know where I park the car? Walk, ride, show off. And I was like that.

I remember that.

There was a big dent in the car with black hair in it.

And she told the whole neighborhood she hit a bear.

apologize to Max?

I came over to find out when my son's gonna stop acting like a big baby and

me back in the carpool.

Right now. My car's in the garage. Why don't you go start it, Mom, and wait for

me?

You know what?

Max should be apologizing to me for what he said. He will.

Because George and I talked to him.

And we took away TV for a month.

Wow.

A month without the stupid talking sponge. That's gonna hurt.

You don't hit my kid.

You know, I just gave him a little smack.

It's not like I'm the only one in the world. Trust me.

Nobody is giving their kid a time out in China.

Well, actually, children in China are a lot more respectful of their elders, so

a time out would probably work.

On the other hand, And if they have more than one infant girl, they smother

them. So you got your good and your bad.

Thanks for the beer, George.

Do you have any idea what you did to Max?

Look, Angie, forget it. You're wasting your time. No.

You humiliated him in front of his friends. And worse, you hid him in his

identity.

Now, I am pretty sure that's about two feet lower.

Now, this.

This is who you are in the world how you connect to everyone around you and when

you hit a child here It's like you're hitting who he is.

I Didn't know that

And don't come back till you're ready to apologize.

Mom, Dad, Max's teacher's here.

All right, I'm out of here. You're never going to see me again. Oh, no, I'll see

you again.

I'm sure one day I'll get a call from the morgue to come by and identify you.

That's her.

Cold.

Why don't we wrap her around the keg and start this party?

My husband, George.

Actually, I don't think I've ever seen you at school before. I didn't even know

you were married, Angie.

Come on.

You don't remember me at all the school plays? Back row, third seat from the

aisle? Maybe this will help.

Did we score?

Now you see where my son gets his sense of humor.

Mrs. Reynolds, we're really sorry about what Max did with the pencil up his

nose. It won't happen again. Thank you for that, but there is a bigger problem

than the fact that the children now call me Earthbutt.

That's not funny. It's hurtful.

Max has been acting out to get his classmates' attention, and I think that

doing this because he's falling so far behind academically.

Falling behind academically?

Max has gotten a few bad grades, but he is still struggling with his dyslexia.

It's not just a couple of bad grades.

I mean, he's turning in blank pages. He's not even trying.

Right now, Max is at the bottom of my class.

Well, if he slipped so far behind, why did you wait so long to talk to us?

I didn't. I sent home a note. He brought it back signed.

I never signed a note.

Nor did I.

Mrs. Lopez's signature.

Oh, thank God.

Look what you did.

I don't believe this.

He forged it.

I'm worried that Max's behavior is only going to get worse. So I think what he

needs to do is to sign this schoolwork contract.

It says that he'll do his work, and if he doesn't, it spells out the

consequences.

May retain.

Wait, you might flunk him?

No, don't think of it that way.

Think of it as a year -long opportunity to review the material.

Yeah, he might flunk.

Well, that's not going to happen. We'll work with Max every night if that's what

it takes. That's right. He's not going to fail the fifth grade.

No one in my family has ever failed the fifth grade.

If this was the sixth grade or the seventh...

or a sobriety checkpoint, we'd be having a different conversation.

But this is the fifth grade, damn it, and this is where the Lopez's shine.

And if you don't believe me, I'll take that. George!

Max,

get down here.

Now it makes sense why Max was acting this way, why he mouthed off to Benny.

How did I not see this coming?

Maybe I was working too much. I should have been on top of this.

Well, I'm glad you said that, because coming from me, they might have found it

ugly.

Max, what's this?

It's a piece of paper with Mom's signature.

Oh, no!

I'm falling behind academically!

Why didn't you show me this note?

We just met with Mrs. Reynolds, and she said you're behind in all your

schoolwork and that you're not even trying.

Max, if your grades don't improve, they're going to hold you back a year.

So? You'll lose all your friends. They'll all move on.

I won't lose my friends. They think I'm funny.

Well, then you should keep failing and failing, because you know what's really

hilarious? An 80 -year -old fifth grader trying to play hide -and -seek.

from your teacher. It says you promise to work hard for the rest of the year

we want you to sign it. But I don't care about school.

I still don't even have to go.

Don't walk away from me. You are going to sign this contract and then you're

going to start doing your homework.

What's the point? It's too hard.

What's the point?

Let me handle this.

Look, I know school's hard, but you still have to go.

Everybody does.

Why?

Because what kind of job are you going to get if you don't go to school?

I can be a pro skateboarder.

Really? Because I don't see a lot of pro skaters coming into the house saying,

Mommy, my elbow, kiss it.

Okay, but I can still work in a skate shop.

So you'll make a couple hundred bucks a month.

A couple hundred bucks?

That's awesome.

I mean, I can get a cool car, a big house.

You can't get a car and a house on your salary.

I mean, you could if you moved into a bad neighborhood.

I don't live in a bad neighborhood.

Oh, but they just stole your car.

No way.

You could run after them.

Yeah, I'll get it back. Oh, man, you just got shot.

Dad, I know what you're doing, but you're not going to trick me.

I'm never going to be good at school. I'm just stupid. Look, you are not

You have a learning disability.

Look, I know what you're going through.

When I was in school, I remember taking tests and just sitting there because I

didn't understand any of it. And I had to work twice as hard as the other kids

just to get by.

And I could have dropped out, but I didn't. Because no one in our family had

ever graduated from high school, and I wanted to be the first one, and I was.

Gee, so if I work hard and graduate high school, I can get some loser job at a

factory like you?

You know what?

I don't care.

Do whatever you want.

I give up on you.

Where's Mike?

I don't know.

Living his life.

I can't get my son to pay attention in class, but for 39 cents, I could send a

kid to medical school in Peru.

And they're grateful, too, Angie.

They send you a letter every month.

Thanks for the stethoscope and wheat.

So you're still handling this?

I tried.

Max can do whatever he wants.

So if Max fails, he gets to do whatever he wants?

If I fail geometry, can I get my belly button pierced?

If you fail geometry, I'll pierce it for you.

Pierce it for me.

Hey,

Matt.

Got a minute?

People know I'm out here.

Listen, if you hadn't mouthed off, I wouldn't have hit you.

Well, that's the way I was raised, okay?

Things were different then.

What we called discipline is now child abuse.

Keeping an eye on your man is now stalking.

Well, at least it did to me.

Okay, never mind.

I guess what I'm trying to say is...

Here's a 20. Are we cool?

Yeah, we're cool.

I'm sorry for what I said.

Nah, forget it.

We all say stupid things.

Hey, Grandma?

Yeah?

Did your dad ever say he gave up on you?

Where'd that come from?

I'm messing up at school, and Dad said he's giving up on me.

Well, you know, my dad might have beat me like an old blanket, but he never

up on me.

That is...

Cold, dude.

You know, you might want to get your crap together.

George!

Yeah, I know. The sky is pink, orange, and red. It's the most beautiful sunset

ever. I love you, too. I'm watching a hockey fight.

It's Max.

What now?

Come on.

What are you doing?

My homework.

Yeah?

I'm not going to be held back.

Don't give up on me.

Oh, man.

Look, Max, I'm sorry I said that.

The cat was angry.

I'd never give up on you, son.

I believe in you.

I have faith in you.

I'm signing this legally binding contract.

You know, I still hate school, but I'm not going to let you down.

We're not going to let you down either. Because a family is only as smart as its

dumbest child. So let's make that Carmen again.

Hey! Quiet, I'm teaching here.

And we're going to help you out. Because if you fail, we fail.

I'm going to change my schedule. I'll work with you after school on Mondays

Tuesdays. And Wednesdays I can blow off happy hour at Thirsty's and come

straight home to help.

You go to happy hour at Thirsty's?

If you're going to use that tone, you're damn right I don't.

What are you doing here, Mom?

Oh, relax.

We're a big happy family again.

Max and I are fine.

Did she apologize to you?

No.

But she gave me 20 reasons to get over it.

You just paid him off?

Yep.

You can't do that. You can't just buy family.

All those celebrity lesbians do it.

I accidentally threw out your favorite Raiders jersey.

I'll get another one.

My mom's having her house tended, so she might have to stay with us for a week.

I'll buy more beer.

Remember that time we went to the lake and it rained the whole weekend and we

stayed in the room?

Yeah.

I lost that video we made.

What?

Time for a new mask, baby.