Original subtitles

Hey, George. Hey.

I know it's still a few days till Christmas, but I wanted to give you

You know, for everything you've done for me.

Oh, man.

This is really expensive, Ernie. This is the good stuff.

Hey, you're my best friend.

You know, I got you something, too. I just haven't had a chance to wrap it.

that's okay. I'll take it now.

You know what's really amazing?

That we're such good friends, I got you the same scotch.

Wow, this is amazing.

Was yours on sale, too?

No.

George?

Come on, Carmen, pick up the phone.

I miss you, too.

Wait, somebody's calling.

But I can't click over. I'm mishearing your voice.

Aw, I'm mishearing you too.

I'm glad we're back together again.

You're so sweet for saying that.

Oh, come on, I better go.

Why? I just got an email from you and I'm dying to read it.

Okay, then we'll both sing up at the same time, okay?

On the count of three.

One, two, three.

Yeah.

Okay, for real this time, okay?

One, two, three.

Finally.

Man, I used to look up to that guy.

But you're adopted.

And when you turn 16, your head will explode, just like your real mom said.

Hey, hey, hey, hey! What are you two doing down here?

He was listening in on my phone call with Jason.

Max, I told you, no more eavesdropping. It doesn't hurt anybody.

It violates their privacy.

You know what?

Christmas is coming up. I'm tempted to tell Santa and let him deal with you.

please don't tell Santa. I'll stop.

I'll have to think about it.

But right now, no more video games for the rest of the week.

Okay, but please don't tell Santa.

Jason? Yes, it's Jason. Listen, we talk on the phone too much. I don't love you

anymore. Get your mother!

It's Dad.

My dad.

I wanted to talk to you before you went out to get the rest of Max's presents.

Hold on a second.

Go to the other room. I need to talk to your father in private.

Why

don't

you have time to do the shopping?

I went on my lunch break.

I got Max everything on his list to Santa.

the monkey.

We could just lock my mom in the yard, throw some bananas out there, and watch

her through the glass.

Ho, ho, ho!

Have you been naughty or nice?

Save it, you big...

Okay,

you two, break it up.

But we're not doing anything wrong. You kiss Mom in front of people all the

time. Okay, that's different, all right? We're married. It means nothing to us.

If it means nothing to you, then why do you close your eyes and lift your leg?

You know, you shouldn't be kissing at work anyway.

All right, fine. I won't do it here.

I'm on break.

Come on, J -Mac.

A girl her age should not do that stuff in front of people.

I thought he owned a van. What's he waiting for?

Well, I'm going to put a stop to this. Honey, honey, relax, okay? I don't like

it either, but Carmen's a teenage girl with a great boyfriend.

She's just trying to send a message to the other girls that he's mine.

Well, I think Jason's brain is sending a message to his fans. Make room.

What are

you doing?

I'm playing the video game.

No, you're not. That's your punishment for eavesdropping.

Do you want me to tell Santa you were disobeying now?

Yeah, I do.

Why don't you tell Santa right now? He's sitting right next to you.

What?

I know, Dad.

heard you on the phone with mom you're santa come on max you think i'm santa

yeah all right look i'm gonna tell you something and no one likes to say this

public but santa is white come on

look a mexican was driving around with a bag full of presents he'd get pulled

over every two seconds

Tell him the truth.

Santa found out you were listening in on phone calls and he put you on the

naughty list so we had to buy you gifts.

I'm your mother. Have I ever lied to you?

Shots don't hurt.

It doesn't matter if you want to lose.

Dyslexia is a gift.

Well, I gotta say, Max, you've got a lot of guts.

Because if Santa finds out you don't believe in him, you're gonna lose all

presents. Are you willing to take that chance?

Are you?

to believe anymore.

This is like when the tube fairy left that note that said, this 20's for your

whole mouth. We're done here.

Who do you got of friends to get a burrito around here?

What are you doing? That ball is keeping me up.

I'm trying. stay awake.

I'm gonna sneak downstairs and catch Dad putting out all the gifts.

But what if it's not Dad, huh?

I mean, what if it really is Santa?

No, he is pretty sneaky. You might not be able to hear him. Well, I'll hear

I have a narrow sauce in the cookies.

If Santa takes one bite, he'll fly back to the North Pole on his own butt power.

But what if the wrong person is...

I think that's a great plan.

Got him! I got him! Go, go, go! Get him!

Hold him, George!

Hold him!

Hold him!

What's happening?

Your dad popped Santa Claus. Really?

Did you see him, Max?

Did you see Santa Claus?

No, he wasn't here.

I had him by the beard and the feet of his pants, but he broke out of my grip.

He's quick, Max.

He's like one of those big guys that can move like... Jack Black.

You really had him?

Yeah.

And this is all that I got.

Listen, I know it's not the same as seeing Santa Claus, but you can have it

you want.

Wow.

This has been all over the world.

I bet elves made it.

Yeah. I bet some little people in a crowded workshop somewhere made that.

Thanks, Dad.

This is the coolest thing ever.

Okay, kids, that's enough excitement for tonight. Everybody back to bed, huh?

Wait, why don't we open the presents now? I mean, Santa just left them.

fresh.

No, we have to wait till tomorrow morning.

Hey, can I open one of my CDs? I can listen to it tonight.

Well, who said you were getting CDs?

Huh?

This could be that diamond necklace you asked Santa for.

To bed.

Dad, do you think Santa knows that I didn't believe?

No.

Don't even worry about it, son.

Good night.

Oh,

look at my man.

Yeah, that's right.

Wouldn't it hurt on Santa?

That man tries to slide down my chimney? I don't think so, I think.

Easter Bunny Tambien of Tooth Fairy Old Man Kwanzaa Column. I'll be right here.

You've been so good about watching what you eat.

Yeah, you're right.

I'll go get you rice cake.

Rice cake? That look like rice cake.

Oh, my God!

Hot!

Hot!

But before Santa got away, my dad got me this.

It's time to be in the dam someday.

That's the dumbest...

You know, it doesn't hurt when my teacher says it, and it doesn't hurt

say it.

Jack's full of crap.

He just did it to keep you believing in Santa. No, he didn't.

You got punked, dude.

Give me that. Make me.

You know...

Why is that?

Because all the other players were slapping you on your butt.

By the way, good game.

I'm going to go upstairs and put on that sweater you got me for Christmas.

Okay.

Jason, outside.

that you care about my daughter.

But whenever I see you kissing or touching or holding her, I see me

killing, and burying you.

I'm not into public affection either, all right? It's embarrassing.

Come on, you know what it was like in high school?

Girls, they just want to hang all over you.

Yeah, that's what it was like.

Non -stop kissing.

Girls kissing me.

Josephus, what am I going to do?

I mean, I want to stop, but I don't want to hurt Carmen's feelings.

You know, if only we could find someone who would be willing to hurt Carmen's

feelings.

Oh, forget it. I'll just do it. Oh, really?

Yeah. You know, she may get mad at me. She may even... God forbid, stop talking

to me.

Thanks, Michelle.

Okay, next time you guys get together, get Carmen to start all that kitchen and

stuff, okay?

And I'll take care of it.

George, I need you in here!

Later.

What happened?

Kenny Tolentino said you tricked me about Santa Claus.

Even after I showed him the beard and the piece of Santa's suit.

So he hit you?

Uh -huh.

When I wouldn't say there wasn't a Santa.

He knocked me down and started punching me.

But you didn't do anything?

I made him bleed.

I moved my head and he punched the sidewalk.

You know, that never worked for me. I would move my head and they would just

punch another part of my head.

He says he's going to beat me up every day after soccer until I admit there's

Santa. Well, how many more soccer games do you have? Honey.

Maybe it's time.

No.

Look, Max, you don't listen to that kid, okay? He doesn't know what he's talking

about.

Max, go upstairs and get cleaned up, huh?

Take this and keep it on your eye, and I'll be up in a minute.

What are you doing?

You want him to get beat up every day?

No, Angie, I don't want him to get beat up every day.

But I'm not going to let some bully ruin Santa Claus for my son.

Look, when I was a kid, my mom didn't give a crap about Christmas. There was

magic, there was no wonder, nothing.

You know what she would do?

Every Christmas, you'd make tamales. You know why?

So on Christmas morning, I had something to unwrap.

Is it a puppy?

No, it's pork.

All right, I get it.

I'll look in the student registry and email the Kenny kid's parent.

No, Angie.

Not one of your strongly worded emails.

Your words are like bullets. No.

There ought to be a waiting period on your keyboard.

We can't just do nothing.

Relax. I got it all worked out.

In 20 seconds. Trust me.

Honey. Angie.

I got this!

Hey, get us a little helper.

Hey, he's not real or you're going down.

I see you have band -aids on your knuckles.

You might want to remember where you got this.

Say it, slow face.

Santa isn't real.

No, my dad wouldn't lie.

I guess you're just going to have to learn the hard way.

Hey, Michelle, what's going on?

None. We're just looking for a movie to see.

Oh, yeah? Let me see that sports page.

Oh, your hair smells so good.

Like...

Peaches. That smell good.

You know that I only want my head to smell good for you.

Look,

that's enough.

What is it, Mr. Lopez?

Look, I'm tired of all this public affection. It's got to stop. But we're

doing anything wrong. We're just showing that we like each other, Dad.

Well, you know, I really like pizza, but you don't see me rubbing it all over my

chest and sticking it in my back pockets.

Look, Carmen, I'm your father, okay? And I make the rules. No more kissing.

No more touching.

That is so harsh, Mr. Lopez. End of discussion.

But Dad, that sucks.

This is going to be so hard for me.

Because wherever we are, I always want to have you kiss me or call me Honey

Bunny.

It's too bad.

Hey, we can still do all those things, just not in front of my dad.

Let's go down to the mall.

We can go by the fountain and ask them out here.

The nose thing?

Yes, honey bunny.

Oh, this is so hot.

Just ran an errand with Ernie.

Okay. It's the truth. That's where I was. Call him. I'll tell you the same

thing.

I know it was you, Dad.

What are you talking about?

Kenny tried to beat me up today, and some guy dressed as Santa Claus pushed

into the bushes.

No, Mac.

That couldn't have been your father, because as an adult, he knows it's

to assault a minor.

And that... I've got this!

...isn't a defense in a court of law.

I know it was you, Dad.

All right, Mac.

Sit down.

You're old enough, I guess, for the time we had to talk.

Don't talk to me.

Talk to Santa.

He's the one that's going to be mad at you. You can't just dress up like him

go pushing kids into bushes.

First you tear his coat and then this.

What scares me the most is you're not even thinking.

You know what?

You're right.

I'm sorry.

And I'll write a letter tonight to Santa and explain the whole thing.

Thank you.

Oh, and next year, tell Santa less socks, more monkeys.

Am I good or what? I can make anybody believe anything.

Max, Carmen, you.

You don't lie to me anymore.

I lie to you before I even know what I'm saying.

You guys are backed up like planes waiting to take off.

I'd love to go shoe shopping with you. Your stories about work are fascinating.

You know, this house could use some more candles.

There goes one now.

You don't have to do this. Look, I'm telling you, it was the real Santa.

I'm going to go make you some coffee.