Original subtitles

I mean, George, please. The music inspires my cooking, Jacob.

Lean over the stove some more. I didn't get enough gray chest hair last time.

Angie, your dad's been here a month. How long is he going to stay?

We can't kick him out while he's still getting over the divorce. He's staying

here as long as he needs to. End of discussion.

All right.

Now I know what you've been knitting.

A to -go bag for my son's wevels.

Hello, everyone.

Hey, honey. I had the best day at school. Thank you so much for sending me

Allendale. You guys are the best parents in the whole world.

No.

No what?

You want something and the answer's no, you're just too young.

You don't even know what it is.

What is it?

I want to date.

No, you're just too young.

Angie, I got it right.

Mom, I think I'm ready to date.

Carmen, we've had this discussion. You're 14.

That's too young to be going out alone with boys. But I'll be 15 next month.

Well, I didn't start dating until I was 17.

Yeah, but you've been trying for like five years.

Stop telling her things.

You want to see what happens when you start dating boys too early? Oh, Daddy.

That.

You know what? I wasn't so much dating boys at 15 as... Mom!

Having sex with them. What did you think I was going to say?

I'm not going to have sex, but everyone's dating at Allendale.

You want to start dating?

You bring home a boy with straight A's who doesn't drink.

No piercings, no tattoos.

Then we get to interview them for three hours.

Yeah, you don't like that idea much, do you?

But if you want a date, that's the deal, so think about it.

Jason, they want to meet you.

How you doing, Mr. Lopez?

Mrs. Lopez. Hi.

Finally meet you.

Wow. Mom!

If I was 35 years younger, he would have been your daddy, George.

own a car?

Sometimes my parents let me borrow the van.

Does this van have shag carpeting, huh? A black light?

A water bed in the back?

No, most of the back's taken up by my brother's wheelchair.

Your question.

Is Carmen your first girlfriend?

No, but it's not like I've dated a lot.

Do you have a transcript of your grades on you right now?

Dad, he gets straight A.

And I'm a responsible driver.

And my parents would kill me before you guys had the chance if I ever did

anything with Carmen.

So your parents are violent.

All right, let's think about this rationally, huh?

If we had to pick a boy for Carmen, he's the one.

A quarterback with straight A's who drives his disabled brother around in a

Can't she do better, Angie?

I say we give Carmen our permission to date.

Maybe... Dating probation.

Fine.

I mean, what if this kid is just telling us what we want to hear?

It's like when hot women say they're into sports.

And then you marry them and ten minutes into the sports center, it's like, let's

talk about us.

I still like sports.

Yeah, but you used to sleep naked, too. What happened to that?

We talked.

You guys can go out.

That's great.

Thank you.

But you pick her up at the door and you're in by ten.

And pay for her movies, dinners, and all of her school books.

So, where are you two going to go tonight?

Oh, I don't know. Whatever Jason wants.

I'm fine just hanging out and watching some TV.

Orale, that works for me.

Me and Ernie are watching a game.

Carmen and Jason are on a date.

Again?

Don't you guys ever want to go out for pizza or to a movie or the mall or

something? Thanks, Mrs. Lopez, but we've got everything we need here.

Isn't he dreamy?

Help me put these in the kitchen.

Hey, Daddy, what are you doing?

Oh, now that I am a single man, I have to practice my irony.

Maybe you could practice closing that rope.

I'm starting to catch a little plantain action out of the corner of my eye.

Herman and Jason have been dating for three weeks, but they've never gone out.

Don't you think that's weird?

Yeah, it's weird, but who cares?

I can keep my eye on them.

The only groping on that couch is when Ernie dropped a chip down his shirt.

They're up to something. I just don't know what it is.

What did you want when you were 16?

Sex.

It's what all teenage boys want.

They spend all day plotting ways to get sex.

Even when you're older, you still plot.

You think that massage I gave you last night was because I cared about your

muscles?

You think I actually fell asleep during the massage?

Oh, you know, it doesn't make sense. I mean, we told them that they could go

if they wanted to.

Something else is going on.

He's gay.

What? Jason just wants people to think he has a girlfriend.

Could be.

But, Ernie, if you wanted people to think that you had a girlfriend,

you take her out and show her off?

Ed and I don't really understand what's going on between you two. We gave you

permission to go out and to date, but you never leave the house.

Relax, you guys. We're going to the homecoming dance Friday.

Isn't that considered going out?

I guess.

He was supposed to pick you up at the front door. Like a gentleman.

That's not how it works anymore.

This isn't the Stone Age.

I wish it was. We would have eaten you during winter.

I'll just walk.

No.

We're driving you. No, no, you guys. I don't want you guys to take me. It's

embarrassing. Well, you're not walking.

Okay, fine. Then all you have to do is drop me off, make a U -turn, and drive

away really fast.

We tried that when you were three, but you kept finding your way home.

Just please, just stop me right here.

J -Man!

What's up, homeboy?

What's up, man?

Go ahead, sweetie.

Jason!

Wait up for Carmen.

Carmen?

Oh, yeah.

I've seen you in the cafeteria.

Nice to meet you.

That's how you treat your girlfriend?

Girlfriend?

Yeah, right.

I'm going home.

Carmen!

Follow her and make sure she's okay. I'll deal with Jason.

He's bad enough to ignore my daughter, but I thought we had something. What's

up, man? I don't think so. Yo! Breakfast club!

We need to talk.

Everybody out.

Now. No.

Let's go, man.

Squeeze and waddle. Move.

What happened out there?

Why did you pretend not to know my daughter? Mr. Lopez, I really like

Come on, you gotta believe me. I know it must have looked bad out there. Bad?

Jason, you humiliated her. But I didn't want to.

See, okay, Carmen's new, and I... And my friends, we already have our

group. And I honestly intended on taking her out, but, you know, who she is and

who I am. Come on, man, get to the point.

We really can't be seen together in public.

Look, my daughter deserves respect.

And since you can't give it to her, you're not allowed to see her anymore.

you understand me?

Maybe it should be that up to Carmen.

Not yet.

You know, man, I knew cool guys like you in high school.

You know what happened to them?

They peaked at 17.

And the rest of their lives was all downhill from there. So go ahead,

Protect your big reputation while you can.

Because I'd hate to see where you're going to be five years from now.

I have an early admission to Stanford.

You couldn't get in any schools around here, huh?

All right, then where are you going to be ten years from now, fool?

I hope to open a charitable organization to assist people in wheelchairs.

You tired of driving your brother around, huh?

Selfish. You disgust me.

Go ahead.

Hey, that better not have been my last beer.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I mean, I would give it back.

But now it is coursing through my alimentary canal, pushed forward by

a geocilia.

You know, everyone hates you here.

What?

You're a burden to everyone. You get in everybody's way. You've been here too

long.

No one has told me this.

I don't want to be a burden on anyone.

It's too late.

Hey, wait a minute.

You are always here.

What's your excuse?

I don't just mooch off this family.

I have a purpose here.

Hey, Grandma, you left your cigarette in my room.

Can I keep the matches?

Well, you certainly may.

I'm a caregiver.

and open up. Go away. I already told Mom I don't want to talk about it.

I talked to Jason.

What did you say to him?

Don't worry.

I told him it was over and that he couldn't see you again.

Why would you do that?

I'm helping you.

You know what he said to me?

That he couldn't be seen with you because you're not one of the popular

That was our deal.

What?

He was trying to... protect me.

Jason is super popular. If the popular girls found out we were dating, they'd

really mean to me.

So when other people were around, we would pretend not to know each other.

He didn't want me to get hurt.

Oh, well, thank God there's a logical explanation.

I mean, I thought you were being used. You're right. He's sweet.

I just don't understand.

Carmen, this kid doesn't care about you. He's embarrassed to be seen with you.

What's your self -respect?

I'm gonna call him.

No!

Carmen, no.

Listen, your mother was a lot more popular than me, but she took me

no matter how ashamed she was.

I'm gonna see Jason again.

Where? He won't be seen with you in public, Carmen, and he's not coming

He'll find a way.

Sometimes you're dumber than the dog.

The song ended.

Love you.

Carmen seems better the last couple of days, doesn't she?

Yeah. I think we can start giving her a knife for dinner again.

Did Jason call?

No.

I'm sorry, honey.

Carmen, you're better off without him.

No, I was just stupid to think he'd ever stay with me.

How did this happen?

Our daughter has no self -esteem.

I say steer into the skid, dye her hair blonde, and send her to stripper school.

I have something to say.

Vic Palmetto, It's not a burden.

I'm leaving your home.

What?

Daddy, no.

We're going to need that key back, bro.

Daddy, you don't have to leave. We love having you here.

Don't worry.

I found a condominium in 1 ,000 Oaks.

I'm staying in Los Angeles to be close to my family.

Daddy, I'm so glad you're going to stay.

Yeah, but I will have my own life because I'm putting an ad on

.com.

George, tomorrow I will need you to take an action picture of me in a tank top.

Great. It's going to be over here all the time.

I married you, Angie. I didn't marry your father.

Why should I have to suffer?

Whoa. Time to take these puppies off the leash.

Jason, are you crazy?

What if the super popular kid saw you?

You might lose your reputation and be forced to eat lunch with the debate

I'm captain of the debate team. Oh, get lunch.

I'm sorry for the way I treated your daughter.

And with your permission, I'd like to tell Carmen I'm sorry.

Carmen!

You never called me back.

You made me go through hell for a week.

You really hurt me.

I know, but I want us to be together again.

Okay.

I mean, I want to take you out in public.

Okay.

I mean, that's up to you.

Want to come to football practice and watch me?

Okay.

Can I go, please? Can I go?

Okay.

Let's go.

Thanks, Mr. and Mrs. Lopez.

For everything.

We did a good job with Jason, Angie.

Boys going to Stanford.

Great. Our daughter with unbelievably low self -esteem is dating the most

popular guy in school and she'll do anything to make him happy.

See any trouble down the road there?

And now, gentlemen, please welcome on the main stage...

TGIF continues with a show the New York Times calls terrific.

A new Marriage of the Kellys is next on ABC.

George, this picture has to win over the women at CubanCompanions .com.

It has to show all my style.

I want to be serious, but lighthearted.

Sexy, but sophisticated.

Mature, but with a puppy -like playfulness.

Okay, I can get that.

Oh, I almost forgot.

Did you hear the news?

Castro died.

What?