Original subtitles

This is gonna be so cool.

I'm gonna be the only one with a motorized skateboard.

Hey, how fast do you think it's gonna go?

Ron, if my calculations are correct, with a couple of minor adjustments,

be able to go this fast.

I WAIT!

Come on, lunch is ready!

Okay, here is this week's... Monday is Max's soccer game. Tuesday is

Carmen's dance class.

Wednesday is my birthday.

Thursday is the day after my birthday. Friday is two days after my birthday.

Saturday, if we have not celebrated my birthday by then, I'll be known as the

Widow Lopez.

Angie, I know Wednesday's your birthday.

Yeah, I know it is, too. I saw a bunch of empty boxes of hair dye in the trash.

Kids, notice how at feeding time the old dominant chimp challenges the young

beautiful one?

You know what?

Call me whatever you want.

I'm eating your food, I'm drinking your beer, I'm watching your television.

Yeah, I'm the monkey.

Do you have anything planned for my birthday?

Angie, please.

I got... Don't say I got this.

I will do my best to get this.

What are you going to get her, Dad? I have no idea.

Just give her something from the heart, something only you know she likes.

She likes tea.

I've seen her drink it.

You like the couch. I've seen you sleep on it.

I can't screw this up. I gotta get her something she's gonna love.

Well, he's been talking about this charm bracelet she really likes. Really?

What's the story to that? I don't know. I'll go check the receipt.

That's right.

I bought it.

Yeah, you're gonna buy it, all right. Why don't you try to stop that

George, that was a great birthday dinner.

But I still think you spent way too much money.

Come on, that place was a big rip -off.

The whole steak is stuck right here in my tooth.

Grandma,

if you finished your steak, then what's in the swan?

I don't know.

Some lady was dumb enough to leave it on the bathroom sink.

You're just a big Mexican hillbilly, aren't you?

Angie, why don't you come over to the couch, my love?

It's time to open gifts. Your birthday's not over. Who's first? I'll go. I'll

go.

Happy birthday, Mom.

Oh, you wrote

me a poem?

A single -page, 30 -page poem?

Get the stuff. Who's next?

I'll go last.

Okay, I'll go get my gift.

Mom, why don't you give Angie yours?

It's a homemade video.

George, is that our trip to the lake? Because the kids can't see that.

Just watch.

Happy birthday, mija.

Oh, it's daddy.

Your mother wanted to say happy birthday, too.

But she's volunteering at a dermatology clinic in Guatemala.

There is somebody else here, though.

Hey, sis.

Happy birthday.

Oh, my God, my sister.

How did you get her to do this? We're not even talking.

If we were, I'd tell her those bangs were a bad idea.

Oh, yeah?

Hey, how do you think your dad looks?

Well, if that mustache were any bigger, he could smuggle Cubans in it.

This no talking is ridiculous.

I miss you. And George called with this fabulous idea for your birthday. So turn

around and you'll see your present.

Turn around?

Just turn around and kiss your hairy father.

Don't anybody move. I'm going to get my camera.

Okay. This is kind of a combined birthday slash let's make up gift.

So, happy birthday, Ange.

Oh, my God.

It's beautiful.

It's Chanel.

I can't wear it again. I... I wore it out of benefit and I was photographed in

it.

Oh, you show up on film now?

Listen.

What I said about Richard, I'm really sorry.

Angie... No, let me say this. I never should have tried to stop you from

marrying him. And I wish he was here so I could apologize to him, too.

Well, he would have been here, but he's kind of busy.

Divorcing me.

What?

Only two years.

Richard was perfect.

Professional, wealthy, handsome, Cuban.

I'm stupefied.

How can you and Richard be getting a divorce when these two are still

There must have been some way you could have worked this out.

How do you work it out when your husband's never home? How do you work it

when you feel like there's a stranger in your bed? How do you work it out when

you're changing sheets and you find the stranger's panties?

I'm a little confused here. Were they his panties?

Gloria, you keep going for these hot, sexy, rich guys when you should be going

for a guy like George.

Cosmo says boring and hardworking is the new hot and rich. It is for me.

Hey, my mom.

Stop it.

Your sister has a broken heart.

Come on, Gloria.

Every cloud has a silver lining.

Remember what Dad said to us when he walked us down the aisle?

Hold on to this one and never let him go?

You said to me when you make waffles, you always throw out the first one.

I tailor my message to the moment.

Well, Dad got it wrong.

I'd be happy to have you on marriage.

I'm sorry. I've got to stop.

This is Angie's day.

Let's all go outside and make this a party.

Dad, help me with the plates.

George, can you bring out the rest of the cake? Sure.

I'll be right out. Okay.

George, you have a little icing there.

Where?

Right there.

What the hell was that all about?

What? What she just did.

Dude,

that's my sister -in -law.

Oh, yeah, right.

Oh, well, Max, it's complicated.

I mean, sometimes people love each other, but it just doesn't work out.

That's sad.

It can also be pretty funny.

Like that time Mr. Ortega chased Mr. Ortega down the street with a plunger.

That was my first mega lady.

Yeah, I'm sorry about that, Max.

At least her breath covered most of her body.

All right, it's getting late. We'll finish this tomorrow, so get up to bed.

I'm in here.

Oh, hey, hey, lingerie.

I'm sorry. I just came out for a smoke and I thought the light was on.

I thought you quit smoking.

I thought Richard quit secretaries.

Since we're here,

can I confess something?

You wore the Chanel dress more than once, didn't you?

knows.

When Angie first brought you home, I thought you were a huge loser.

Okay, I'll confess something too.

I was in the kitchen and I heard you say, Angie, this guy's a huge loser.

Well, I just want to say I was mostly wrong.

Hey, thanks.

I'm actually a little jealous of her.

You want to know something?

I think she's actually a little jealous of you too.

You're right. I should turn off the lights. No.

So you want the lights off? No!

You want me up on the bench? No!

I want you to remember I'm married to your sister.

Oh.

Orale, not you too.

Mom, I need to talk to somebody.

But since you're here, look.

Something happened last night.

Oh, just flip the mattress over. No one knows.

Angie Fisher came on to me.

What? I'm serious.

Gloria tried to kiss me last night.

Oh, my God.

I don't believe this.

You're saying my Gloria tried to kiss you? Vic, I don't... You don't even

understand how you got one Palmetto woman and you think two are after you?

Where's my wife, eh? Is she in your pants?

Just keep your little fantasies to yourself, eh? I don't want my girls

because your ego is so big you think everyone's trying to kiss you.

Are these kisses, eh?

Is this good for you?

I think maybe you should buy me dinner now because we are kissing!

Imagine, there's an island of people just like you.

You believe Gloria kissed me, right?

Oh, yeah, I believe you. She flirts with everybody.

She would tongue a cow for cream in her coffee.

So what do I do?

If I tell Angie I ruined her relationship with her sister, and if I

her and she finds out from Gloria...

Then it looks like I was trying to hide something.

No, I say don't tell her. Sometimes you have to lie in order to protect someone.

Okay, remember that little dog, Monkey, you had, and one day it was gone, and I

told you that he got hit by a car?

Yeah. Okay, well, that was not true.

He ran away.

So he could still be alive?

Well, he came back, but I had to take him to the pound because I didn't want

to think that your mother was a liar.

and you cannot get that girl out of bed.

No kidding.

Look, Angie, about your sister... I know she's got her problems.

But last night after you went to bed, we stayed up talking.

For the first time in I don't know how long, I felt like I had a sister again.

And I have you to thank for that.

So you're happy?

I'm really happy.

Well, that's the most important thing.

I'll go get Max and we'll finish the skateboard.

George, can you do something for me?

Sure. While Gloria's out here, I really want you two to get to know each other

better.

I think that's happening, Angie. I really do.

Dude, ready to finish that skateboard?

I don't care about this skateboard anymore.

This skateboard's going to go 40 miles an hour. The guys from Jackass wouldn't

even ride it.

Why were you kissing Aunt Gloria?

What? I saw you.

Matt, I wasn't kissing Aunt Gloria. She kissed me.

I love your mother.

And this family is everything to me, and I wouldn't do anything to hurt you

guys, okay?

Okay.

Good. Now, come on. Let's go down and work on your skateboard.

Are you and Mom going to get a divorce?

No.

You know what?

Wait right here.

Oh.

Don't you ever wear clothes?

Did you knock on my door to find out?

Max saw you kiss me last night.

He wants to know if Angie and I are getting a divorce.

Oh, my God.

George, I'm sorry.

I'm not letting you mess up my family, so put on all the clothes you have until

it resembles a tasteful pantsuit and go down and talk to Max now.

Hey, can I come in?

You don't have to talk to me.

My dad already did.

Okay.

You're mad at me.

Why'd you kiss him?

I don't know. Why did I marry Charlie Sheen for a week? You have to ask my

therapist.

Hey, Max.

I wasn't trying to take your dad away or hurt your mom.

I just broke up with my husband and... I don't know. Maybe I'm sad.

And seeing how happy your dad makes your mom, I guess I wanted some of that

happiness.

Hey, someone could see.

I'm sorry, Matt. I couldn't help myself.

You are so cute.

My dad said it's the hair.

How'd it go?

Good.

But, um, I think I should leave.

Yeah, I think you should.

Oh.

Oh, God.

She walked right by you.

Was that a quickie?

You never have to worry about your mom and me getting a divorce.

Okay, I grew up without a dad and would never let that happen to you.

Are we gonna tell Mom?

Yeah, I think we should.

Okay, let's go.

Whoa!

I didn't finish.

And I think it'd be better to wait till Aunt Gloria leaves.

Okay.

You know, she tried to kiss me, too.

Should I tell Mom that?

No. But why don't you tell Grandpa Vic?

I think he might get a kick out of it.

I wish you didn't have to go. We were having such a good time.

I know, but the police want me to file a report on the break -in. It's a big

hassle, but I need to be there. Yep, gotta go. Big emergency.

Carmen, Max, come say goodbye.

That was a kiss goodbye.

Here's a hug.

And then people are going to walk by the house and say, yeah, that's where those

people live.

And the property values are going to go down. And eventually the cops are going

to arrest me in the front yard with no shirt on.

So I didn't hear a lot of yelling. What happened out there?

We talked.

She confessed.

She apologized.

And then I gave her her hair back.

I was going to tell you as soon as she left.

George, if there's one thing I know, it's that I can trust you.

Angie, I'm so sorry your birthday turned out like this.

Oh, it's not your fault. It's Gloria's.

She's so competitive, it's disgusting.

So, who's the better kisser?

Mr. Needles.

Once you get past that breath, it's a wild ride.

Put some music.

I'm feeling nostalgic.

How about a classic?

All right.

Iron Man by Black Sabbath?