Original subtitles

Mac! Oh, I'll go through it out. Hey, hey, you crazy? It's too good.

Mom, how do you like your steak?

You never asked me that before. What's wrong with it?

The dog licked it.

I fed you worse. Medium rare.

I got the letters from the private schools. Keep your fingers crossed.

What if they're all rejection?

Then we'll figure something out, okay? You are not going back to a school where

the kids harass you.

Here goes.

Owens, prep my first choice.

We're sorry to inform you. Oh, sorry, honey.

Wait.

Bet you've been summarily rejected.

Hold on.

Nope. Not getting any better.

Open the next one.

Hilltop. Okay, this one's really my first choice.

Hey.

Nope.

Well, there's still another one, honey.

It's Allendale.

How much is it? You know she can't go back to the school where the girls are

calling her a whore.

Under five grand, she goes to Allendale.

Over five grand, we buy her heels, a skirt, and embrace this whole whore

$14 ,000?

I know.

Hey, you know what? For $100, I can buy her a fake ID and she can start serving

cocktails.

Hey, come on. We all know she's headed there anyway.

Both of you, stop it.

Whatever we have to do to get Carmen a good education, we are going to do, and

that's that.

We're probably going to have to get a second mortgage on the house.

No way.

You never risk the house, ever, unless one of the kids is sick.

And I'm talking new liver sick.

Well, then you're going to have to get a regular loan, and Miss America here is

going to have to get a job and help make the payments.

No more sitting around eating croissants. with the ladies.

George, you know, I'm ready to get a job.

I know, honey, but we're still gonna need a loan.

We'll go to the bank tomorrow.

I can't wait for the Allendale open house.

Oh, my God! Hello, Chip!

It'll just take a minute to run your credit report. You won't have any

We pay all our credit cards on time.

And we only pay the minimum, so you people make a fortune on it.

Well, this isn't about us making money, Angie. This is about us building a

lifelong relationship.

We're not just your bank. We're your friends.

Well, Brenda, it's nice to have a friend like you, because my other friends

don't have 14 grand to lend me.

Here we are.

Okay, this is fine.

Ooh.

What? What is it?

Well, in the last month, you've defaulted on three credit cards and you

a car repossessed.

No, that has to be a mistake. That can't be us.

Actually, it's just the accounts in your husband's name.

Wait a second. These aren't my accounts.

Well, is that your date of birth and your social security number?

Yeah.

Maybe somebody's stolen your identity.

Oh, come on. Who'd want to be me?

Well, if this really is a case of identity theft, you're going to have to

it up with a credit bureau. We can't help you.

We're not friends anymore, are we, Brenda?

Not really.

We've been banking here for ten years and this is how you treat us?

How about if we take all our money out of here and put it in another bank?

George.

I'm okay with that. I

know,

huh?

Right now, right now.

Yo!

Listen, I told the man who connected me to... the woman who connected me to you,

that the charges are not mine.

I'm not that George Lopez. I'm this George Lopez.

No, don't put me on hold. Don't put me on hold.

Who can it be?

Who can it be?

How's it going?

None of these people believe me.

This is going to take forever.

Who can it be?

We need that money for Allendale. You know, it's $14 ,000 a year until Carmen

graduates.

We could be talking six, seven years.

Hello, this is George Lopez.

No, man, don't send me another form.

What?

That's not my business address. That must be the other George.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm sorry, that's my address.

Just say it again. I want to make sure you got it right.

2796 Van Nuys Boulevard.

Thanks a lot.

I got him, Angie, I got him. Okay, George, take it easy.

There's a thief over at 2679 Van Nuys, and I'm gonna kick his butt. George,

you're...

Lopez?

If we're playing 20 questions, it should be 20 different questions.

How's that working out for you, man? You having fun being George Edward Lopez?

I didn't say my middle name.

No, you didn't, did you?

Look, buddy, I got a button right here behind the counter. Hey, press it.

I want the cops to come because I'm the real George Lopez.

Dude, what are you talking about?

You went on the internet, got my information and stole my identity.

You ruined my credit. What the hell is your real name?

It's George Lopez.

Anybody could get a fake license. Quick, what's your social security number?

I'm not giving out my social security number.

Why not? Somebody might steal my identity.

All right, I'll tell you mine.

We'll say it at the same time.

Ready?

Go. 849 -220 -6460.

Oh, no,

you're good.

Look, I don't know how this mix -up happened.

I got some credit problems, but I'm not a thief, man. Okay, here's what you're

going to do.

Be at my work tomorrow at 9 a .m., I want to see your birth certificate, or

calling the cops.

And if the cops don't find you, I will, and I'll kick your ass.

You can kick all you want, dude. I skateboard, I can't feel anything down

I'll be there.

George, I wonder if there's another Ernie Cardenas out there trying to steal

my...

Hey, I wonder if he has a better life than me.

I think he's probably killed himself by now.

Look, there he is.

I can't believe the dude showed up.

Got your birth certificate?

Yeah, you got yours?

In here.

copy because when your dad left us he stole the original how come you never

me that well i tried when you were two i tried again when you were three but

you were so busy learning how to eat with a spoon i just gave up so is this

original oh my god yeah that's it that's right

second the doctor told me I could drink again, I drank.

Well, maybe you should stop drinking because that's my birth certificate.

No, George, this is yours.

You know what? I bet your dad sold it to this guy's dad.

My dad didn't buy anyone else's birth certificate.

So I suppose your dad's name is Manny Lopez, too.

Yeah, it is.

This Manny Lopez?

Dude, how'd you get a picture of my dad?

Do you know what this means?

Yeah, that your father never learned how to use a damn condom.

He had another son, Mom.

We're half brothers.

I got a half brother?

Wow. Hey, why don't you find three more and maybe you can be on family...

of her, right?

Already I'm jealous of you.

So my mom told me my dad was dead.

Then I found out he was alive from Aunt Cecilia, and I've been looking for him

everywhere, man, on the internet, around ads in a bunch of newspapers, and she

even calls every Manny Lopez in California, but it's impossible to find.

Oh, he's in Phoenix. He's in the book.

And so ends a 35 -year -old Five -year journey. Who wants pudding?

But if Georgie's father needed a birth certificate to make you legal, then that

means he wasn't a citizen.

Well, that can't be right. He'd have to be a citizen.

He was married to my mom.

Well, uh... You weren't married?

I tried to tell you when you were two.

told me one thing that was true. Are you my mother?

Are you even a woman? Because there's been talking. I'm getting tired of

defending you.

We got married.

I just wanted to wait till I was pregnant enough to fit into my mom's

dress.

You know, this is an amazing story.

Oh, yes.

It's like a fairy tale.

A guy knocks up a 17 -year -old girl.

up another girl.

And in the woods, there's some animals at sea.

All right, men.

You've got to tell me about our dad.

I know enough about your dad. Let's talk about your mother. Exactly how big of a

puta was she?

It's okay.

Now I know why Dad named our dog Benny.

You know what?

Bob!

What can I get you, George?

George, whatever you're having.

Hey, Ernie, what are you doing here?

Just another night in my 20 -year campaign to go home with a bartender.

Hey, you want to go home with me?

Sure. Meet me in the middle of the freeway at 2 in the morning.

I'm not falling for that one again.

A couple beers here, Kate?

Man, you know, growing up, I always wanted a brother.

My mom was always working, so I was always alone.

You had me?

Yeah, but you had asthma.

It's no fun playing hide -and -seek when the hamper's wheezing.

George, how did you... Find me.

You got great hair. Hey, right back at you. Why don't you marry him?

one good thing from our dad, huh?

What do you mean?

Well, I didn't want to say anything in front of your kids, but, uh, dad wasn't

exactly a good guy.

Compared to what?

I was raised by Joan Crawford.

I'm telling you, man, you got the better end of the deal.

Did I?

How do you think it feels to find out your dad just didn't leave you?

He left for another family he wanted to be with more.

Hey, he didn't care about us either, man.

He was always wasted.

He couldn't keep a job, so we had to keep moving.

We lived in the car a couple of times.

I had to drop out of high school just to support us so you don't forget about

college. I mean, it has taken me half my life to undo all the crap that he did

to me.

I didn't realize.

I guess I wanted to believe he was a good guy.

Yeah, well, I'm still trying to hold down a job.

I'm not even sure I'm going to make the rent this month.

How short are you going to be?

About 500 bucks.

Hey, you know, don't worry about it, man. I'll work it out.

Hey, have you tried the lottery?

You've got to be in it to win it.

Yeah. Tell you what, I'll talk to Angie. Things are kind of tight, but, you

know, I'll see what we can do.

I appreciate it, bro.

Hey, listen, I'll get us a couple of shots of tequila, and who knows, maybe

melt the ice princess over there.

He doesn't have a chance.

It took him ten seconds to make her laugh. Why can't I do that?

Ernie, peacock has its feathers, a buck has its antlers, and then

there are the Lopez's.

I wish I had antlers.

You know, Angie, it's kind of nice having a brother around.

Some family.

Somebody to take Max to those 8 a .m. soccer games on Saturday.

I scraped together the $500 for your brother, but I think he's going to need

lot more help than that.

What are you talking about?

Well, I was clearing up our problem at the bank, and it's going to take a

but we're going to get the loan for Carmen's school.

Hooray! We're in debt.

But while I was straightening up whose account with whose, an old student loan

caught up with your brother.

He owes Arizona State a lot of money.

No, he didn't go to college.

I know it's kind of a party school, but ASU is still a college.

No, Angie told me last night he didn't finish high school.

But George, it was a four -year loan.

Why would he lie about something like that?

Wonder what else he's lying about.

Max, in 1999, Tony Hawk did his first... Max, your mom wants you.

Sure.

Want to give it a try, bro?

Put the board down.

What's up?

Are you my half -brother?

Do you even know who my dad is? Where'd you get the birth certificate?

What are you talking about?

You went to college, fool.

Your student loan caught up with you.

I can't believe a word you say, man. Who the hell are you? I'm your half

-brother, okay?

I didn't tell you about college because I didn't think I'd get a whole lot of

sympathy from you. I didn't think you'd help me out.

And what else did you lie about?

We weren't poor.

What?

We didn't really live in a Monte Carlo. We kind of summered in Monte Carlo.

Our dad's rich, man.

But if you're rich, why do you need $500 from me? No, no.

Dad's rich, okay? He built this huge construction company.

You know, I screwed up and he cut me off, man. I ran out of my trust fund

last year.

You're a spoiled rich kid?

And our dad's not such a horrible guy.

He gave me a lot of chances. He's actually a pretty good dad.

Do you?

He's done nothing for me, nothing for my mom.

We struggled our whole lives.

I can't afford to send my daughter to a good school, and you were going to take

$500 from me because you blew through a trust fund?

Man, get out of here.

I'll tell Max you had to leave.

You hungry?

I could eat.

You want a barbecue?

This is the last time we're having meat until Carmen graduates.

No, it's going to be okay.

Fund the coupon in the paper, $14 ,000 off bologna in private school.

I'll get it.

Hello?

Yes, it is. Can I ask who's calling?

Okay, uh, hold on.

It's your dad.

The other George gave him our number.