Original subtitles

Hey, Angie, great Valentine's Day mixer. Well, I didn't want anybody to be alone

today, so I thought why not invite all the single people from the factory over

to the house?

Yeah. Oh, by the way, you forgot to put on the guacamole and the women.

Oh, no, Angie, we left a bag of women on top of the car when we left the store.

We're probably all over the freeway by now.

Oh, here come the girls.

Let's get this party started.

There's nothing here.

Well, great party. Thanks for coming by, guys.

You know what? We can still have a Valentine's party without women. I know

ways to make you forget about being single. Boggle, Pictionary, and Trivial

Pursuit.

Guys, run!

Whenever you have to go to see a woman at a bar, a strip club, a Mommy and Me

class, just get out!

Honey, the guy's left.

No.

Look, I know the party's a bust, but that means we can start our Valentine's

earlier. Oh.

I'll clean up, because I ain't going home. No way.

It's the one time a year my parents get romantic.

It takes all day, and it ends up with my dad drunk and crying and my mom playing

the accordion.

Take five, homeboy. We're doing our Valentine's gifts.

Bounce. Oh, wait. I got to get mine.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Oh, happy Valentine's Day, baby.

Oh, Angie, this is amazing.

But you know, I wanted a humidor.

See? I had it engraved.

To my heart, my soul, my ending, my beginning.

It's beautiful.

I hope you like what I got you.

Oh.

A hat.

It's for when you go.

See, it's got a solar -powered fan on it.

Yes, it does.

Try it on.

How do I look?

Mom, will you be my Valentine?

Suck up.

You got the ones with my birthstones?

Uh -huh.

Garnet.

What is with the hat?

What is with that sweater?

Your father got me a gardening hat for Valentine's Day.

Oh, I get it. The real present is buried in the garden. I bet it's those

earrings with your birthstones you kept hinting about.

Some people get hints.

Some people don't.

Because I might be getting that for someone special on her 16th birthday.

George.

Kids, your father works really hard. He doesn't have a lot of time to shop.

But he is the most romantic man that I know.

George, I think they're old enough now.

Come on, Angie. That's just between us.

Is it dirty?

I want to see it.

It's not dirty.

But...

I think you kids can handle it.

Okay.

It was the end of our first date.

I asked your father to the Sadie Hawkins dance, and it was really late, and I

was ready to go home. But he said that he wanted to show me something special.

What could be more special than this giant corsage?

In fact...

If you take me home right now, I'll plan it, and the tree will always remind me

of our one date.

Behold! My monument to a full -on fox!

Who's that?

That's you.

I painted it for you.

Oh, my God.

It is me.

You captured my body part. Perfectly.

You painted this?

Yeah.

For me?

See?

G. Lopez.

George, it's beautiful.

Still not as beautiful as you are.

Come on. I'll take you home.

Wait.

There's no hurry.

And that was the moment I fell in love with your father.

It is the most romantic gesture ever.

How could I even look at another man after that?

Beat that, little Romeo.

So, how did you like her hat?

She wasn't crazy about it.

Every year I try to get her the right thing, but I'm just not good at the gift

stuff. So, you in the doghouse now?

Oh, dude, please.

I still got the mural.

Hey, I wonder if the guy who really painted it has gotten as much mileage

it as you have.

Come on, man. What's wrong with you?

So, where are we going to dinner tonight?

I don't know. Where do you want to go?

It's Valentine's Day.

You didn't make a reservation?

No.

But I made the mural.

Yes, you did.

Impressive, huh?

Wow. Let's go out and see it. Yeah, let's get out and stare at the top of

mom's butt.

What's going on with all this construction?

It's probably like Stonehenge.

You know, you want to keep it open, but sooner or later you have to protect it.

Let's see what's going on.

That doesn't look like mom.

Oh, Max, it's my interpretation.

You see, when a man really cares about a woman... He thinks her breasts are

enormous.

What are you talking about?

That's me!

Yeah, right.

Listen, my husband is the artist.

When you tear down the wall, can you at least save me the part where he signed

it? I'll try, but this is stucco. It crumbles. I may not get the whole

signature, Chato Perez.

Who's Chato Perez?

The guy who painted this. The signature's over there in the leaf.

The artist is G. Lopez. It's right there in the corner.

Nah, Taggart did that.

It's graffiti.

It's spray paint.

I

can

see why you'd buy it, though. He looks like he's got the soul of an artist.

Looks like they're tearing down the mural, aren't you?

Mm -hmm.

I could tell.

You hardly touched your dinner.

But look, they're tearing it down, so what can we do?

I don't know.

You could repaint it.

On another building?

And then in another 18 years they can tear it down?

I don't think I could go through this again.

I know.

You can sketch it for me on a piece of paper.

It's not going to be right on a little piece of paper. I need a whole building

to show you how I feel.

Kids, why don't you go on up to bed?

Sending the kids up to bed early.

I guess seeing the mural put us both in the same mood.

Honey.

Yeah?

I want you to go upstairs and get into bed.

Yeah?

Then close your eyes.

Yeah.

And swallow a handful of sleeping pills.

Wow. Then what are you going to do?

Have sex with Chato Perez, the man who painted my mural.

What are you talking about? I know.

worker told me. Oh, Angie, please. I can explain.

I'm listening. Not now. I need some time.

You didn't paint that mural, did you?

Not all of it.

Well, what part did you paint?

The butt crack.

Your butt had no crack before I came along.

God. It was just one big cheek.

No, what's not right is that my husband has been lying to me for the last 18

years.

Look, I couldn't believe a girl like you would go out with me in the first

place.

You were so out of my league.

And I was afraid if I didn't come up with something big to win you over that

night, I'd never see you again.

You know, I'm not good with this romance stuff.

My mom told me being romantic was sticking around for the birth.

was desperate. Then I saw the mural and it kind of looked like you. This means

that the moment I fell in love with you was a lie.

Angie, baby, I'm okay with that.

Good

morning,

Chato.

She told you?

Dad, here's a tip.

Don't bite in the kitchen.

Under the vent.

Hey, is Mom up yet?

I think she's in the shower.

Or maybe she's just crying so much it sounds like the shower.

What are you doing?

I don't want you taking credit for any of these.

Sit down, my love.

I wanted to make you breakfast in bed, but you accidentally locked the door and

put the dresser in front of it.

Heart -shaped pancakes, heart -shaped ham steak, heart -shaped omelet.

Hey,

you're breaking all my heart.

Hey, Ange. Hey, George.

Now's not a good time, dude.

Oh, I guess somebody's still celebrating Valentine's Day, huh?

Man, somebody was feeling romantic last night. That painting on the garage is

pretty good.

What painting?

That painting of you.

What did you do?

Ernie, what did I do? Trust me. Come on.

Yeah, I gotta say, George, you did a good job on this.

You painted this?

He sure did.

Do you like it?

It's not great.

Since you painted it, it means something to me.

Baby, I just want you to forgive me.

Marisol, what are you doing here?

I gotta talk to Ernie.

There was a problem with that thing you gave me.

I counted it in the car, and it was 50 things short.

Marisol, is that paint on your hands?

I don't know.

Is that paint on my hands, or am I getting my 50 things?

George, you didn't paint this.

Marisol did, and Ernie paid her for it. Not yet.

Ernie just sprang it on me. Angie, I didn't know anything about it until I

walked out and I saw it. Then why did you say it was yours?

I just went with it.

You lied to me again.

Angie, this is my fault. George called me last night and he felt terrible.

No, it's mine.

I should have just told you I didn't do it. But I panicked.

Angie, I can't stand you being mad at me. I'm not mad anymore.

I'm more disappointed.

In all our time together, I never lied to you.

Never.

I'm sorry, George.

I didn't know Marisol was coming back.

I tried to paint it myself, but halfway through it started looking like a monkey

with boobs.

I know one monkey with boobs that owes me some money.

Oh, yeah? Well, get it from Mariah Carey, because that's who you painted.

What am I going to do, man? From now on, Angie's going to think everything I

tell her is a big lie.

She'll get over it. Man, she's never going to trust me. Never.

Hey, I wouldn't say never.

And she shouldn't say never either.

What are you talking about?

Well, I didn't want to tell you this because I really love Angie, but she

to you, man.

She told you a big lie.

One of the kids isn't mine?

Is it Carmen?

No.

Now, remember the Sadie Hawkins dance? Your first date with Angie?

There was a reason we were both assed out.

George!

I got a G in chemistry!

What'd you get?

Dude, who cares what we get in chemistry?

We're not a play instrument to rap music and sing, and our band Sabotage takes

off. We're out of here.

Shut up!

George, George, we're being watched.

We're being checked out.

Hey, hey, they're coming over. What do we do? Be cool.

Take your hand out of my belt loop.

Hey there, um, this is Carla, and I'm Angie. I know.

I see you at the games cheering.

I love your work.

So, are you guys going to the Sadie Hawkins dance?

Dance at Suck.

Then, um, you wouldn't want to go with us?

Did I say Suck?

I meant rock!

Well, okay then. It's a date.

So do I get to be with you?

Hey, hey, let the ladies decide.

Take that one.

And that one.

Okay, then.

We'll meet you outside the dance at 7 .30.

Oh, my God. They're so pathetic.

Oh, I don't know if I can go through with this. Everybody's going to see me

him. Hey, it's a dog fight.

You want to be the only cheerleaders who don't show up with losers?

No. And with these two, we've got a chance to win.

Totally.

She felt guilty.

She said I was probably a human being and deserved to be treated like one.

So how come you never told me?

Well, I didn't want to hurt your feelings.

Besides, you and Angie fell in love. It worked out great.

You know what this means.

I undermined the very foundation of your relationship.

No! She lied first!

What are you doing?

I'm in a chat room complaining about men.

LesbianTownHall .com.

Is anybody defending me?

Yes. The 13 -year -old boy pretending to be a lesbian thinks you're cool.

Everybody else suggests counseling.

You know what? That's a good idea.

Really? Yeah.

I mean, when your relationship starts out with a lie, it makes you question

everything afterwards.

Sure does.

And the person who lied first, oh, man.

How can they ever, ever come back from that?

I don't know, George.

Hey, why don't you see if you can find a counselor who specializes in nasty

cheerleaders who make bets about going to dances with losers?

What? I know!

Carla told Ernie, and Ernie told me, and doing this hurts my voice, but...

18 years ago when I was a teenager, a stupid cheerleader. I didn't know what I

was doing.

So I was just a big joke to you? No.

Are you denying I was a loser? No.

Then I got to know you.

So what else did you bet on? What about the first night we made love? What were

the odds in Vegas?

Well, let's step away from the vent.

Well, I wouldn't be so high and mighty. You lied to me, too.

Twice. My lie was because I wanted you. Your lie was to cover up your evilness.

Evilness? If I hadn't done that, we would have never got together in the

place. And if I hadn't done what I did, we wouldn't have gotten together either.

So our love is built on lies.

Yes, it is.

Our love is built on wonderful, beautiful lies.

I'm proud of those lies. Those lies have led to a great marriage, two beautiful

kids, and this killer crib.

Come on, Angie.

I'll tell you one thing I never lied about.

I love you.

And I love you, too.

Let me tell you something, mister.

Now that you've lost your mural, you are so on the hook for

Valentine's Day, my birthday, Mother's Day, and our anniversary.

You got it, baby.

Tell me when those things are.

Yeah,

that's right, George. I got all this money to give away in my will.

I just can't decide if I should give it to Carmen or Max.

I'll get you your beer.

I'll rub your feet.

And we have a winner.

Yes.

Oh, man, I'm going to earn every penny doing this.