Original subtitles

Mom, look!

We found a tree!

Is that the sound of pine needles hitting my clean kitchen floor?

That's just Christmas!

Come on, your parents will understand if you pine needle. George, they're

doctors. They're used to everything being sterile.

Besides, they've never seen the new house and I want everything to be

Oh, is that a crumb -producing food item?

Yeah, I guess it is.

That feels good.

Wow. Hey, do me.

Oh, my God. They're here. I'll get it.

Here we go. Here comes all the kissing and the hugging. Here come the loud,

emotional Cubans.

George, that's just a stereotype.

Hello, hello, hello.

We're here.

Oh, my God. Look at you, Max. You're so big.

There, it's over.

That's it!

That's my little princess!

Oh, Melina!

Man, you're lucky you're deaf.

George! Vic!

Melina! Hi.

How are you?

Hey, George!

I was wondering why Angie was so skinny, but now I know where the food's going,

huh?

The kids are so beautiful.

One day, Carmi's gonna be the princess of the Cuban Day Parade. But I'm only

half Cuban.

That's not your fault, honey.

And this one, eh?

So strong.

We're gonna need that strength to take the island back from Castro, eh?

It took you a whole minute to mention Castro. Vic, you're slipping.

Mom, Dad, let me show you the rest of the house, huh? Hey, did you see that

Barbara Walters interview with Castro?

Why didn't she just start making out with him?

Max, want to see the veins on Grandpa's forehead pop out?

Yeah. Tell him how great Castro looks for his age.

Grandpa!

So, what do you think of the kitchen? You have to forgive me. It's such a

Don't worry.

From this place clean, you'll be able to eat here.

Thanks, Mommy.

Hey, I like the little tree for the kitchen.

When are you getting the big one for the living room?

Oh, um, I'm picking up tomorrow.

They cut it today, but it takes all night to fall.

We're getting two trees for Christmas?

Cool! Are there going to be presents under both?

Hey, I don't see why not.

You know, I got a little Paul with Santa ever since I treated him for that

myocardial infarction.

I'm going to do the apparition if he can't even say the word.

Myocardial infarction.

You know, your grandma treated Rudolph the reindeer at a dermatology clinic.

Do you know the big red nose?

I lasered that off. It's a vicious mole.

Wait a minute, wait a minute. What's this?

Hey, all these bills are crumpled.

I might as well throw them away, unless I can get someone to take them off my

hands. Oh, let's take them off.

I think you shouldn't do that. Ah, don't worry, George.

I didn't forget about you.

Treat my daughter to a nice dinner.

But this isn't right.

No, it's not.

I respect you more than that, George.

Thank you, Daddy. We really appreciate it.

You know, why don't you go upstairs and let the kids show you your room, huh?

Look,

we've been married for 16 years, and your dad's still giving me money.

Look, it's his way of trying to help.

Well, it's insulting, Angie.

He's disrespecting me in my own house.

As long as I've known your dad, he's always looked down on me.

You know, I'm managing the plant now. I don't need his pity money.

Come on, George. He'll be gone in a week.

put up with your mom every day and she never gives me money?

Actually, I even think I've seen her going through my purse.

But Angie, it's a whole week of George. It's not too late to go to college.

George, Angie's old boyfriend is a millionaire.

George, say hello to my little friend.

My dad is not Scarface.

Come on. Just one week with no fighting.

All right.

But if it stays longer than a week, I swear I'm going to have a myocardial

infarction.

Come on. It's funny. Try it.

Myocardial infarction.

No, really. Try it.

Out right now.

Come on, let's give it up for the bosses.

I haven't seen these guys crying so much since they raised the minimum wage.

All right, thank you. Don't forget to tip the welders.

Oh, what's all this?

Hey,

where you been?

At the mall. My parents want to take Carmen and Max shopping.

Oh, my God. What is in this?

Rum, brandy, and enough vodka to make you drop your panties for a candy cane.

Ho, ho, ho.

George, my parents bought a lot of stuff.

Some stuff that we were thinking about getting.

Like what?

They bought Max's big present.

They bought him the BMX bike? No!

Angie! I stepped away for two seconds and stopped my mom from buying Carmen a

fur.

And when I got back, my dad had already bought Max the bike.

He should have asked us first. I bet he did this to make me look bad.

What's he going to buy Max next? A car? A yacht? A monkey? You know he wants his

own monkey.

George, you know my dad. He's always got to be the big spender.

And then the kids think whatever we do isn't as good as what Grandpa does.

So what are we going to get Max now?

We're not getting him the monkey.

You know, get the next thing on his list. What's that?

A wolf.

I think somebody's gonna be under my mistletoe.

I'm coming!

George, can we see in the office for a couple minutes?

Oh, I'm getting flashbacks from my birthday spanking.

George, you've done such a great job running the plant. first this year, and

this is just our way of saying thank you.

Ta -da!

A turkey for a bonus?

Check the charity!

You know, the kiss was enough.

A turkey, Weisenheimer. There might be just a little something -something.

How much is this? It's a thousand bucks, George.

Damn, a thousand bucks. Wow, thanks, guys.

George, you just work so darn hard. And we just hope you go out and blow it on

something fun.

Oh, I will.

I'm going to rub my father -in -law's nose in this money like a dog who pooped

on my carpet.

That sounds great.

Merry Christmas.

making me feel like a charity case, so I'm going to prove to him that I can

throw around more money than he can.

Oh, my God, George!

Merry Christmas!

That tree big enough for you, Vic?

George, I have to say, that's a hell of a tree.

But doesn't this angel belong at the top?

Cuban Casanova.

Emelina, that's a nice possum you got there.

I like your coat, too.

Did it come with the shopping cart?

You know what?

Girls, girls, girls.

You're both pretty.

Now, if everyone will follow me in the backyard, I have a surprise that will

fill your hearts with Christmas joy.

Count me out.

I don't want to be there when Emmalina's cult wakes up.

Ladies and gentlemen, come with me as George Lopez presents... Hold on,

I've got a delivery for Vic Palmaro. Hey, it's finally here.

Got him the monkey. Got him the damn monkey.

It's not a monkey, Dad.

Is this what I think it is?

Ladies and gentlemen, Victor Palmetto presents the Cuban Christmas Pig.

George, they got us a pig. Oh, I haven't had lechon in years.

I'm going to build the box and we are going to smoke it in the backyard.

Just like when Angie and her sister were little.

That's great. We're having ham.

Ladies and gentlemen, prepare yourselves as George Lopez...

No, we forgot the mojo.

What's mojo? It's a Cuban marinade for the pig.

He doesn't know what a mojo is. Forget the mojo!

Look at this.

Whoa!

Whoa!

Welcome to my winter wonderland.

And of course, overseen all of...

inside and rinse his mouth out?

No, it's 70 degrees, Duke.

So, pretty impressed about Vic.

This is Christmas.

Well, look, I wouldn't have said this in front of the kids, but is this the way

a man on a tight budget should be spending his money?

Who are you trying to impress?

I'm trying to give the kids a good Christmas, Vic. Isn't that what you're

I'm spoiling the kids. I'm a grandfather.

But look at this junk.

Christmas is this.

Here we go. Giant candy canes and dancing Santas and plastic snow.

This is a department store at Christmas.

There's no culture.

There's no tradition.

There's no mojo.

Well, that's why it's so great that you guys are here for five more days,

George, and it's winter the shortest days of the year.

I can teach them everything I know about Cuba, but who's going to teach them

about their Mexican heritage if their own father won't? Hey, hey, I got their

Mexican heritage covered.

I'm down with La Raza.

I have something very special planned for all of us for Christmas Eve. Well, I

can't wait.

Let's go cut the pig open.

George, how much did all of this cost?

My Christmas bonus.

You spent all $500 on this?

Yeah.

Honey, you can't let my dad bait you like this. He's never going to let you

He always has to be the big dog.

Not in my house.

I'm the big dog here. I'm going to show Vic I can handle anything he throws at

me. He wants culture, I'll show him culture.

By tomorrow?

Edgy, please.

You don't have anything, do you?

No!

Mom, I'm gonna buy it. I got two hours to get some Mexican traditions to shut

Angie's parents up. Is there any way you can make some Christmas tamales like

Ernie's mom used to?

Oh, you know, I would.

But I gotta hang my jalapeno lights on my Christmas cactus.

We don't have any special Mexican Christmas traditions.

Hey, come on. We had some nice Christmases.

Yeah? What about that time you made me put out milk and cookies for Santa?

And then when I got up in the morning, they weren't even touched.

So? He didn't come.

You know, sounds like your beef is with Santa.

Look,

I know this is crazy, but I'm desperate.

Marisol, does your family have any special Mexican Christmas traditions?

Traditions? Hey, you're an old Mexican. You tell me.

You know, you could be a little nicer around the holidays.

I know, huh?

Look, my brother's going to be in a Christmas play.

Why don't you take your family to this?

The Cesar Chavez Teatro de la Comunidad, in association with Tenochtitlan. Itlan

Productions presents a Chicano Christmas Carol starring Moctezuma Cuauhtemoc.

Doesn't get any more Mexican than this.

This play is the real deal.

Feels right being here.

Great.

You better let some air out of that head before the play starts.

Bienvenidos. Welcome to our Christmas carol. It's Christmas Eve in the barrio.

Wait. Here comes Roberto Cratchit and Tiny Timoteo now.

Merry Christmas.

Feliz Navidad.

Hey, that's my brother.

You go, Roberto!

Papi, can you get off work for Christmas tomorrow?

Oh, I don't know, mijo. I have to ask my boss and your Scrooge.

Here he comes now.

Feliz Navidad, Senor Scrooge. Ah, humbug.

Say that again and I'll pop a cap in your ass.

Keeping it real.

Well, I made a lot of coin for you today, jefe. And being that it's

tomorrow, I was hoping I could spend it with mi familia.

Are you out of your mind, Holmes? I'm a businessman.

You think people stop getting high just because it's Christmas?

Too much.

They're keeping it to, you know.

Real? Uh -huh.

Just give me the money you make today and get back out on the street.

Get down! It's a drive -by!

Help me, please!

Tiny Timoteo's being shot!

They shot Tiny Timoteo in the first two minutes? Where do they go from here?

to see what they do with the nutcracker.

I can't believe they shot Santa Claus for wearing the wrong colors.

Nice play for your children, George.

I'm sure if we stayed, there would have been a very uplifting message.

But I think leaving after the pit bull mauling was a good call.

But we're just going to move on and we're going to have the best Christmas

George, why don't you help my dad with the pig?

So, some tradition you got here, George.

What are we going to do on Christmas Day?

Open our presents in a whorehouse?

That's it. Put it down.

I only took everybody to that play to impress you, because you've been on my

back since you got here.

Oh, so now the play's my fault.

Yeah. I'm happy with our Christmas.

You know what our Mexican -American tradition is? We open presents and spend

time together as a family, but that's not good enough for you.

George. No.

I can't win with him.

No matter what I do in his eyes, I'll never be good enough for you.

Are you done?

I think the pig's getting cold.

No, I'm not done.

It's time you stop treating me like the 19 -year -old kid who siphoned gas out

of your car.

What's it going to take for you to admit I didn't ruin your daughter's life?

Angie, help your father with the pig.

He's right, Dad.

You too?

Look, I know you wanted me to marry a professional and a Cuban, but I gambled

George. Gambled?

For 16 years, he's made me happy. He's taken good care of me and the kids.

I gambled on me. I gambled on you.

Do you realize you've never once said a nice thing about George?

Maybe I can lick this myself. Dad, say something nice to him, or you're going

have to leave.

Or you could tell me on the way to the airport.

Every time you visit, I get this huge knot in my stomach, and I am not going

play peacemaker anymore.

If you're not going to say something nice to him, get your bags and go.

I thought you were going to screw up, but you didn't.

Congratulations. Now help me with the pig.

Thank you.

God bless us everyone.

You think it's so easy?

Angie's my little girl.

And she'll always be my little girl.

And you'll always be the guy who took her away from me.

What you're coming shows up with some long -haired loser in a black Sabbath T

-shirt.

Hope for your sake, he turns out as good as you did.

Thanks, babe.

Okay. You can stay.

George, shake hands and get that pig in there before your mom eats my mom.

We're not done here.

What now?

I want you to say something nice about Black Sabbath.

I'd rather listen to Black Sabbath than have a myocardial infarction.

And that was a free one.

Carmen, can you get me some milk?

No, I am not going anywhere near that fridge.

I don't want to see that pig again. The pig's long gone.

See? I'll get the milk.

Can you get me some cereal?

Dad,

how could you do that to me? Because I thought it'd be funny like it is.

Listen, let's just throw it out, okay? Give me a trash bag.