Original subtitles

Hey, there she is.

How was your dance class?

Cool. Want to see some hip -hop moves, I learned?

Wait, let me get my posse together.

Mom, turn around.

Who's been watering her chichi?

Whoa, when did that happen?

I don't know. But if they see their shadows, we got six more weeks of

So, what do you think?

I think you should go upstairs and put on a sweatshirt.

And another sweatshirt, and then a sleeping bag.

Dad, relax. It's just a crop top.

Well, the crops are growing too fast.

What happened?

A minute ago, she was my little girl in pajamas clutching her teddy bear.

And now there's no room for the teddy bear.

What are you going to do about this, huh?

What am I supposed to do?

Well, I'll tell you what my mom did to me when I hit puberty.

She slapped me and she said, that's in case you do something.

Then she slapped me again and said, that's in case you like it.

That's terrible.

She was old world, Holmes.

Hey, Mom, how old were you when, you know, your crops came in?

I was 16.

Yeah, but you got pregnant at 17.

Angie!

Angie!

Listen, I'm right in the middle of Mr. Needle's hydrotherapy.

Angie, have you seen what Carmen looks like in her dance shirt?

Which one?

The one that's got the big breasts in it.

Do you have to use that word? Keep it clean.

Chi -chis.

You're just noticing Carmen's chi -chis?

Hey, I don't look there.

All right?

You're the one who's home all the time. How could you let this happen?

Angie. Carmen's gifts obviously came from my side of the family.

Five generations of women.

Not one drowning.

You know, this changes everything.

The boys at school are gonna be all over her now. We gotta do something.

Let me have a talk with her. She's at a delicate age.

Okay. Be delicate.

Be sensitive.

Be gentle.

Just ruin sex for her.

I'll be home before dinner. Honey, can we talk for just a second? Sit down and

have a cup of tea with me.

No, the last time we had tea, we talked about my special friend coming to visit.

Oh, and by the way, you forgot to mention she comes with a couple of

Crampy and Bloaty.

Okay, forget the tea. Let's sit down.

I want to talk to you about boys.

What's there to talk about? I can't date until I'm 16 anyway.

Well, that's not going to stop the boys.

You're developing a woman's body, and the boys are going to start to get

excited.

And when boys get excited, they're going to start putting all kinds of pressure

on you to do things.

But don't listen to them.

The boys who really like you will still like you.

You should wait, so that way your first time will be really special.

Oh, it was special, all right.

That was for Dad.

I'm not listening.

Guys aren't even looking at me. You're worrying for nothing.

Look, I just want you to know that I'm always here for you and that we can

always have an honest talk, okay?

Okay.

So, when was your first time?

My wedding night was very special.

This honesty thing, it's a one -way street, isn't it?

You can go now.

I just want to add one little thing to what your mom said. Men are pigs.

They just want to go to bed with you. And if they say they love you, they're

lying because they just want to go to bed with you. And if you're stupid

to actually let them go to bed with you while they're in bed with you, they're

thinking about going to bed with somebody else. Trust me, I know what I'm

saying. I used to be a man before I got married.

Thanks for not picking me up in front of my house. My parents are freaking out

about boys. If my dad knew about you, he'd kill you.

It'd be worth it.

Why don't we go off Poetry Club and go for a drive?

That's cool.

You know, my dad says all guys are pigs.

Well, most of them are.

It's a good thing you found me.

I know, huh?

Remember, you remember.

Where you at?

Right now, right now?

Look at these chicken breasts. They're huge.

Would you like me to have a talk with the chickens, too?

No, because then I just have to have a real talk with them afterwards.

Wait a second.

What talk did you have?

What did you say to Carmen?

Look, Angie, I know you meant well, but somebody had to tell her the truth.

All men are pigs, and they only want one thing.

George, when you make stupid generalizations like that, kids know

and you lose all credibility.

Then they just go do whatever they want.

Look, it works.

When I was growing up, my mom used to tell me if I ever kissed a woman or even

touched a woman, she'd get pregnant. And that kept me from ever trying to touch

a woman. And that's obviously bull, so now I gotta talk to Carmen and fix it.

And when you get this chicken out of here, I can't think with all these

in the house.

Excuse me. Oh, can I help you?

Yeah, company. Gotta read your meter.

My dad says you should put a meter on my butt.

You'd make a fortune.

I like your dad's sense of humor.

Your son's adorable.

But he's not my... You know, you've got to have a sense of humor to be a single

father in today's world.

Not a lot of guys can handle it.

I'm no hero. You know, I just know what's important in life.

This little guy.

You know, I'm not due back again for a month, but if there's a leak or

something, maybe you could call me.

Maybe I will.

You know, you can't be too careful with leaks.

Being a single father and all.

That's right.

Bye. Bye.

All right.

That's too bad, because if I were you, Dad, you could get all the ice cream you

could eat and a $5 allowance.

Make it $10.

Deal. Daddy!

I'll get my wallet.

Hey there, Maximilian. How you doing?

Have you been wrestling?

Oh, my God, Adam.

Listen, Carmen, I went a little overboard this morning, okay?

Not all guys are pigs.

There are a lot of good guys out there, like Tom Hanks.

The Pope.

Regis seems friendly.

Carmen, your father's right. Not all men are pigs.

George, take down the hood. I think she's got a hickey.

Oh, my God. Who did this?

No one.

Oh, no one.

So you just used a corner attachment on the Hoover to give yourself a hickey to

prove to everybody that a... would kiss you what don't turn this back on me who

did this to you who did this to you you're making it sound so horrible it's

a hickey why are you being so dramatic no that was shock this is dramatic you

have lost every privilege except breathing you're never leaving this

have to go to school not anymore we're homeschooling you from now on whatever

we don't know you don't know when did the korean war start

reformation sorry out of luck george calm down carmen come

here i swear to god i will break you i want a name and i want it now we're not

done we're gonna find out who it is no you won't hey uh

i was walking down the street and i found this book with someone's take

test in it and it seemed important so i'm going door to door to find out whose

it is is there a Carmen Lopez here?

Angie, does that moron have a hickey?

You're a cop. Who do you chase?

The car that runs a red light or the Latino guy chasing the car yelling, I'll

kill you?

Is that his antenna?

Yep. You touch my daughter, you go back to A .M., fool.

Can you believe Carmen has seen a boy who drives?

His name is Adam Connors. He's 16. They met at the poetry club, and he's

sensitive, deep, and beautiful in a way we'll never understand.

Apparently, her new chest is stealing blood from her brain.

Where is she?

Center to her room. I told her that from now on she is on a tight leash.

We're driving her to and from school and keeping her home at night.

Yeah, but what about while they're at school?

You've got a car in the parking lot. There's five minutes between classes. A

can happen in five minutes.

Max happened in five minutes.

Four.

Look, you knew going in it was going to be a quickie.

Carmen.

Well, we tried talking to her.

We tried yelling at her.

She thinks she found somebody special.

I guess our job is to guide her through all the mysteries of young love.

This is gonorrhea.

And these are genital warts.

Not so happy you're talking to that color printer now, are you?

Bread really pops.

What are Mom and Dad talking to Carmen about?

You remember cooties?

Yeah, you get them from girls.

Well, they're talking to Carmen about super cooties.

What makes them super?

How you get them.

Look, here come two more. Come on, back to work, back to work.

Hey, can you give me that frisbee?

Me and my dad will play and catch.

Sure. Thanks.

Hey, where's your dad?

He doesn't live with us anymore.

Max!

Max!

Are you bothering these nice people?

Oh, he's not bothering us. He's adorable.

Hi, I'm Ernie.

And this is Max.

Or as I like to call him, the light of my life.

I'm Cindy, and this is Michelle.

Hey, is it okay if the kids play Frisbee?

Sure.

Thank you, Father, for devoting your life to me.

Single parents?

Yeah.

Me too. It's not easy, is it?

Tell me about it. All those sleepless nights, all those dirty diapers.

Max is still in diapers.

I'm taking care of his grandmother, too.

Hey, it looks like the kids are having fun.

You know...

We just moved into the neighborhood. I'm sure that Michelle would love to have a

play date.

Great! Great, let's set it up.

So, what school does Max go to?

Um, Roosevelt, Kennedy, Luther, King Elementary.

Middle.

Well, we've got to get going.

Call me. Great.

Come on, Michelle.

Am I going to have to go on a play date, too?

Only once.

Then you get to go live with your mom and a rich new husband, and I turn to

Cindy to comfort me.

I didn't know you had to lie so much to be with a woman.

Max, if I taught you one thing today, I'm proud.

Look, here come two more. Come on.

And this one's name is Chlamydia.

Her turn -ons are ignorance and horny teen.

or antibiotics.

I can't look at these pictures anymore. I get it. I'll never have sex without a

condom. See, that's not what this is about.

Condoms can break.

And then there's other diseases you can get, like... Angie, where are my genital

herpes?

They should be in your lap.

No, I just...

Some of these diseases can kill you. I'm not going to get a disease. I can

control myself.

Yeah, control yourself.

Try that with a wine cooler in your belly and Smokey Robinson on the radio.

Brenda, you're not helping.

You're right.

What do I know?

Hang on, Mom.

Tell her. Tell her what?

Tell her about being 17 and pregnant.

Tell her how I ruined your life. Oh, you didn't ruin my life.

This is no time to joke Your

father didn't ruin my life

I ruined my life look You fall in love with the guy, and you think it's going

to last forever, so you forget about what's right or wrong. You get caught up

the moment, and you go to bed with him, and it's pretty good.

Mom!

I'm not going to lie.

But then he doesn't turn out to be the guy you think he is. The next thing you

know, he dumped you, and while your friends are hanging out having fun,

all alone raising a kid.

Working two jobs?

Up to your stretch marks and dirty diapers?

I gave up all my pretty years for this.

You ready for that?

I'm not going to have sex. I know I'm not ready.

And you're not going to see Adam. We don't want you to be alone with him.

All right. I won't be alone without him.

Good.

Can I go now? I have to babysit the Kogan twins tonight.

Yes, you can.

Thanks,

Mom.

Can I go now? I have to babysit the Coors Light sex tuplets.

Isn't that over?

It's only going to get worse, right?

Yep. There'll be more guys, more lies.

Oh, yeah.

I think they had it right a couple hundred years ago.

You get married at 14, and by 30, you're dead.

Hey, guys.

Hey, honey, how was the park?

Good. Look, you're earning eight playdates next week.

What?

The kid is a single mom magnet.

You can't be serious.

Oh, come on. You can't let all that cuteness go to waste.

Max has got maybe two or three adorable years left before he starts looking

like, you know, you.

George, will you talk to him? I'm going to go check on Max.

All right.

Let me get this straight.

You've been using my son so you can score with strange women you meet in the

park? Uh -huh.

Dude, that is brilliant.

Hey,

little guy. Is your dad home?

Yeah, he's right there.

But I thought he was your dad.

I have two dads.

Oh.

When you said you were a single dad, I...

I guess I made a mistake when I gave you my card. No, no, no, no, no.

It's not what it looks like.

It better not be what it looks like.

I was out of town for one week and this happens. You better pick a team, mister.

I'll give you two some privacy.

No, don't. Wait.

Why chase after that when you got all this?