Original subtitles

Oh, God, we're calling. He's going to be a few minutes late. Well, yeah, when

you see him, tell him I said... Hey!

How come you didn't say hi to me?

Hey, man, I went like that.

You turned away before I came back up.

Wait for me.

What time you at?

Right now, right now?

Let's go!

Okay, you guys all know the drill.

Today's my birthday, but it's nothing special.

It's just a Wednesday, just like any other Wednesday.

Oh, come on, Dad. You're no fun. You never let us buy you birthday presents.

What are we celebrating, anyway?

You're another year closer to death.

Congratulations. Here's the tie.

George, before you say no, I have a little something for you. Angie, no.

Relax. It's just something I made on the computer.

This certificate entitles you to win one fight.

Even though you are clearly losing because you are obviously wrong.

Offer not valid in public.

Come on, Mom. That's not what he wants.

Crappy birthday, Dad.

Thank you.

Okay, so much for Mr. Sunshine.

Max, you're the big 1 -0 next week. How about this year we have your first

really big birthday party?

What are we celebrating anyway?

I'm just another year closer to death.

Okay, but double digits is a pretty big deal. Don't you want to do something

special? Nope.

I don't either.

That one we're raising right.

What kind of kid doesn't want to have a big birthday party?

That is the saddest thing I've ever seen.

When was the last time you saw my mom in a swimsuit?

Well, you know he's only saying that because he wants to be like his dad.

What's wrong with that?

All kids want to be like their dad.

I'm a good driver like my dad.

Difference is, when I leave for work in the morning, I don't keep going for 35

years.

But with your promotion, we can afford to do something really special this

We could get a magician and a bouncy house.

Angie, come on. We've always had small parties for the kids.

Just because I'm making a little money now doesn't mean we should start

them. But you see how he lights up when he goes to parties and they've got games

and trampolines and cartoon characters?

But do kids need all that stuff?

Angie, think about it.

When I was 10, there wasn't trampolines and cartoon characters. I never went to

Chuck E. Cheese.

My mom said, you want to see a mouse? Pull the refrigerator out.

There's about five Chuckies running around back there.

Okay, how about we have a party, but we keep it simple.

12 friends, Spider -Man, a few presents, chocolate cake. No.

Three friends, no entertainment, one present, and a baked potato.

I'm starting low.

What's up?

Hey, George, George, wait a second. Stand right there. Right there, right

My wish is that we all don't die in a blazing inferno.

George, it doesn't come true if you say it out loud.

Come on, Ernie, we've been friends a long time, man. You know how I feel

my birthday?

Well, yeah, but you're manager now, and everybody's going to do something for

you, and I didn't want to be the only one not sucking up.

On a totally different subject, you smell fantastic.

Shut up.

All right, everybody.

cupcakes. If you really want to do something for my birthday, you'll help

a new safety record.

If we make it two more days, I'll be the first manager to deliver a full month

without injuries in the history of the company.

On a related note, drug testing will resume next Monday.

Hi, everybody.

Good to be back.

Hey, everybody, look.

It's accident Amy.

arm you got from the drifter.

Oh, you guys, my arm got crushed, not torn off. See, everything is okay.

Listen, Amy, while you're still recuperated, why don't you spend the

days working in my office where it's nice and safe?

I thought I was going to go back onto my machine, you know, get back on the

horse. Like they say, you crush my arm once, shame on you, crush it twice.

You're like a moth, aren't you, Amy?

Don't worry, it'll still be there in three days.

Good to have you back, Amy.

Hi.

These are from the gang.

We tipped in $25 for them.

Well, I accidentally counted you. Oh. But, you know, you can pay me whenever.

Okay. Okay.

Okay, I got Danny Boy on line one and some guy from your credit card company

line two.

Give me Danny Boy.

bucks on party catering.

No, I didn't use my card for that either.

How much for decorations?

Oh man, I see what's going on here.

It's Angie.

She's throwing a big party for Max and we agreed not to.

Oh, your wife too?

I know, it's awful.

That's right, she's gonna spoil him.

No, I wouldn't call my wife a lying tramp.

I don't care if your wife is selfish in bed.

worried your boss might be monitoring this call?

Oh, hi, Phil.

Thanks for the ride, Mom. See you tomorrow. Bye.

I'm not going anywhere.

You're going to fight with Angie.

I'm not even going to go out for a smoke because I don't want to miss the

beginning of the fight.

Come on, Patch. Do your thing.

There it is. Yes, the love I never got.

Uh -oh, your father's home. Go hide these bags in your room.

Mom, why are you throwing Dad a surprise birthday party anyway?

I mean, why don't you put Moulin Rouge on and dance around for him like you did

on your anniversary?

How'd you know about that?

Oh, hey, don't worry about it. You're a good example for me. I mean, you're a

loving couple.

My friends thought so, too.

No more sleepovers.

Showing your father a surprise birthday party because he never had one as a kid.

He's going to love it.

Hey, George.

Benny. Showtime.

Everything okay?

Let's talk in the yard. My mom wants to smoke.

Angie, do I look like a stupid man?

What? Do I look like an idiot? Do I look like a moron?

Do I look like a buffoon?

Hey, no one's forcing you to go to Supercut.

I just got a call from a credit card company.

$500 worth of party stuff?

Oh, no. Oh, yes.

George knows.

George is smart.

Wait!

George is talking.

Hey,

what happened to communication and trust and all that crap that was in our

marriage vows?

Why don't you say anything?

Does this mean I won?

The $500 worth of party stuff was all for you.

I just wanted to give you the birthday party that you never had as a kid, you

big stupid jerk!

Like a freeway off -ramp.

I was going to get you some oranges, but I couldn't do a U -turn.

Come on, Angie. I thought I was wrong.

George, you always do this. You jump to conclusions.

Remember the time I came home late and you thought I was cheating on you?

I was insecure back then.

I couldn't believe a woman as beautiful as you would be with a guy like me.

I thought you had to stay with me a month to win a bet.

And every month since then has been double or nothing.

put you up to this?

No. Lie and you go to hell.

It's already hell here with all the yelling and everything.

Couple of notes.

You came in a little early and I didn't believe you at the end.

But nice try.

I was trying to do something. special for you and you ruined it why are you

doing it you know i don't like birthdays because for once in your life you

should do your birthday up right then max can copy normal behavior hey what's

not normal about my behavior you're all screwed up about birthdays no i'm not

okay what's your best birthday memory this one

it's been an enormous amount of fun

ruined birthdays for you, and now you're ruining them for your son.

Hey, my mom may have been wrong about a lot of things, but in this case, she's

right on the money.

She didn't spoil me. I'm not spoiling Max, and you know what? I'm not spoiling

you either.

No makeup sex.

Unless you want it.

Lighting is responsible for 50 % of the accidents in the workplace. Did you know

that in 1992?

I see it. I see it.

In 1992, there was a study that... Are you okay?

Yeah, yeah. My leg broke my fall.

Damn, Amy, how old are you?

30.

How?

George, if you need my truck to move your stuff out of your house, you know

can.

What are you talking about?

Well, your mom's telling everybody on the floor that you're getting a divorce.

No, I just had a fight with Angie last night, that's all.

Oh, okay.

Well, you know, you can still stay over at my place for a while.

Yeah, it'll be great, man. I got chips, beer, a satellite dish.

And my mom goes to bed about 9 o 'clock, so we can watch whatever we want.

It wasn't that big a fight, Ernie.

Oh.

Well, you think she'll let you sleep over anyway?

Stop telling everybody Angie and I are getting a divorce.

She wanted to throw me a party, and I didn't want one. That's all.

Why does she want to throw you a party?

Mom, do you have any idea what yesterday was?

Yeah, Wednesday.

And I know who the president is, too.

You're not putting me in a home yet.

Oh, Mom, think back.

Think back 36 years ago from yesterday.

Think back to how you got the name Mom.

No, it was your birthday?

Why does Angie want to ruin it with a big party?

Once those Cubans get off the island, they want to celebrate everything.

No, Angie's got this hang -up about birthdays. Like, they got to be this big

deal. I told her, hey, I wasn't raised that way.

You damn right you weren't.

You give a kid a big birthday party, you know what comes next?

High expectations.

You got that right, Mom.

You think life is going to give you everything you want.

You know, first it's the bouncy house and the clowns. then that's not enough.

No. Then you expect to go to high school and graduate and get a job.

It does not stop there because now you're spoiled. Now you want somebody to

marry you and love you for the rest of your life.

All because your mommy threw you a birthday party.

Wait a second.

Is that why you never threw me a birthday party so I wouldn't expect to

happy?

George, if you expect a dog to bite you, You'll be happy if all he does is poop

on your shoes.

Mom. Huh?

You are one twisted old vieja.

I gotta go throw my kid a party.

Oh.

There's your phone call.

I answered the fan.

Damn, we were so close to the record.

It is 5 o 'clock.

You only turned ten once, so we went all out.

Hey, Mr.

Birthday Man!

It's me!

Dos Equis, the clown!

Hey, look at his funny nose and his giant ears!

Hey, these are my regular ears.

Oh, now look, it's Dos Equis, the sad clown.

I think I'll open my gift and go back to bed. Wait, wait, wait. Before you open

that, you've got a choice to make.

You can have that present or what's behind the blinds.

I don't need a cake or a bouncy house.

I just want to be surrounded by my family.

In a brand new car.

Deal. Right after a big screen TV flies out of my butt.

Hey, come on, Dumbo. I need your ears for shade.

Does no one notice the nose?

Look how happy Max is.

I'm glad we did this.

Me too.

Sorry I blew up at you.

You know, there are still some surprises left.

Yeah? Well, you know, I was going to have that party for you, and I thought

would be great if I could get one of your childhood idols.

You're kidding.

You got Eric Estrada?

Even better.

Oh, my God.

This is just his very first birthday party. I wish he was drunk.